जरिया

अँधेरे को चीरती रौशनी की एक किरण
दिल में उठी उम्मीदों की लहर
देर हुई पर आये दुरुस्त हैं
दर्द का क़र्ज़ चुका एक मुश्त है
लगता है जैसे रोशन हुई ये दुनिया
जैसे अधूरे कामों का मैं था एक जरिया

Payment for ones sins should be there. But what if the sins are done without knowledge? Some people sin not because they will but because they are dragged into it or they are unaware that the sins do exist.

There is lot of beauty in the world, we just need to see it. Sometime the eyes can't see the beauty because of the internal darkness but that's not a matter.

I feel helpless because of my blocks. I hope that someone will salvage me from this situation, i can obviously feel my ego here but may be that's how things were meant to be.

Laxmi and Vinayak were at Cafe Coronary where Mrityu was performing. Laxmi was a classical music kind of a person and thus the music was not going well with her.

They were sure that Trio was there too, but they hadn't found out yet. Shakti was eager to see Jay. The band had not come on the stage yet. Trio was not going to harm Jay, but she was sure of violence if she got to Jay first. The orders from Mackenzies and the University for getting Jay for themselves were issued at the same time.

Jay was essential for formation of Ashtabhuj so Laxmi and Shakti were ready  for violence if that had to be the case. Laxmi and Shakti were the agents of Saptak-5, and they wanted Jay for themselves. Shakti considered himself lucky that he was chosen for getting Jay to university.

Finally the band came on to the stage. Jay was there with his guitar. The band started with a sound which the leader termed as Khatarnaak, Laxmi smirked a little knowing that a headache was due because of the Khatarnaak sound.

Jay was shredding through the guitar with a cigarette in his mouth. So this oversmart man child with a cigarette in his mouth and guitar hanging in front of him is going to save humanity, Laxmi thought and smirked.

Shakti meanwhile was scanning the room for the traces of Trio and finally located them in the corner sitting and sipping on drinks. Shalaka was looking around when their eyes met.

Sometimes due to smallest of reasons we are left behind. Little reasons take monstrous shape.

Sometimes things have their own way of happening. I am a good person and God is with me, he has been with me all along and he led me to find hinself.

I have been severely sick. Why me? I kept on asking all this time but i never asked why they? Okay asked it a little but not enough.

On the topic of not acting i can only say that i couldn't do it, my memory has been a trouble all through out and it is the reason that created the trouble. I wish to get over the trouble.

Jay played guitar for a death metal band called Mrityu. After the band got disbanded and he recieved the parcel from the university, he came there and met the Saptak-5, one of the many seven people teams for operations against evil in the world.

It was said in the scriptures that addition of Jay in the saptak would make them Ashtabhuj and prevent the world from a major catastrophe.

After it happened the council of governments threw him in a time-trap because they considered him rogue and reckless, in short, he was a pest.

Jay was living in a town called Nainpur near the Amrit Valley where the university was situated opposite to the town Kalpa where Prithvi was living. 

In Kalpa Prithvi was doing organic farming and solving murder mysteries and paranormal cases from nation wide.

Jay was stuck in a time trap living at Nainpur and teaching small kids guitar. He was feeling lonely and left out Maya whom he called totto lived in a nearby town.

Jay, prithvi and Ali were good friends since University days since they were inducted at the same time and trained by their respective saptaks. Prithvi and Ali were 7th members of their saptaks while Jay was the 8th member of the Ashtabhuj. There were 10 saptaks all assigned with multiple duties in different specialities though they all were capable of taking cases of other specialities.

14:00

N was a lonely boy. He dropped out of college but to complete it again he got into another one. There he was lonely because of no company of his kind. There were no company and no methods by which he could express his hyperactive mind so he resorted to social network.

On the network he became popular. Thinking that life on the network is seperated from life in real he invented stories for his pleasure and happiness of people.

There he met two girls and started talking to them without revealing his identity. He talked to them and later when a family crisis happened he suddenly disconnected with the people he was talking without giving information, without bothering how would they feel.

It was very insensitive of him, but he couldn't realize it. All the people who believed in him stopped believing because he was a liar. Lying was his sin.

हाल

कभी कभी शब्द ढूंढना मुश्किल होता है
कभी  कभी हम खो जाते हैं
गहराइयों में कोई तो हो
जो मिले हमसे तो हम बताएं दिल का हाल
डर से भरे सपने जो सच न हो तो अच्छा
ख़ुशी से भरे सपने जो सच हो जाएँ

कभी कभी गहराइयों में खुद को ढूंढना होता है
कभी कभी लफ्ज़ खो जाते हैं
गहराइयों में कोई तो हो
जो हमसे हमारा हाल पूछे
जो जाने कि हमने क्या क्या नहीं सहा
इन सारे खुशनुमा सपनों को सच करने के लिए

The daily life and its chores. I wish to write on mindfulness and its effects. I have suffered greatly because of my disease and thus want to learn more about mindfulness and progressive relaxation.

These are the topics i wish to explore. Living in the moment doesn't cost much but sometimes we can't do it. I couldn't do it because of the entanglements of past.

Entanglement will not last much if we truly understand the things. My entanglement grew worse because of the grief caused by loss and FOMO.

I thought i missed out on things. In a deeper sense, i did miss out, but now i wish to make things better by trying to build the bridges i burnt.

नया प्रभात

सुन्दर फूल खिले बगिया में
नए प्रभात का है आगमन
बिखरी है छटा चहुओर
ललित हुआ है सूरज का तन

कलरव करते पंछी
उड़ते चारों दिशाओं में
नया सवेरा लाया हर्ष
जो फैला है फ़िज़ाओं में

A new start

I am begining a new life today, a life full of happiness and positivity. I wish to live happily and fill my life with positive thought. All is well.

I wish things to be good. I wish peace in the world. I wish everyone to be happy, and i wish serenity everywhere.

I want people to be happy. I want calmness all around. I want beautiful flowers, blue sky with white clouds. I want trees laden with fruits. I want things to be beautiful and serene.

दिनकर

असंभव को संभव करने चला
द्वैत को अद्वैत करने चला
भीषण पथ पर अग्रसर
करने चला वह सबका भला

भय स्वयं का उसको अनंत
स्वयं विजय ही भय का अंत
अंत में हो सबको आनंद
सोचता चला वह जीवन पर्यन्त

प्रेम का है दूत वह
अभागों का वह भाग्य
दीनों का वह दुःख समझता
ऐश्वर्य में वह वैराग्य

पीड़ा का करने वह अंत
चला वह उस पथ पर
जीवन के अंधकार में
बना वह उज्जवल दिनकर

समीक्षा

सत्य की समीक्षा
ज्ञान की परीक्षा
आनंद की भेंट है
प्रेम की है इच्छा

संपर्क सूत्र में बुने
स्नेह रूप में ढले
प्रेम ही वो तत्व है
जो दीप सा जले

धरा प्रकाशमान हो
ज्ञान का आह्वान हो
प्रेम रूपी सत्य से
दिशा गुंजायमान हो

अहंकार के विरुद्ध

लड़ता वह परिस्थितियों से,
जूझता झंझावातों में;
सारगर्भित ह्रदय ले कर,
अहंकार से करता दो-दो हाथ।

बोया गया एक पाप का बीज,
जो उगता एक पेड़ स्वरूप;
जैसे विषधर हो लगें चन्दन पर,
ऐसा लेता वह रूप।

बन के लकड़हारा वह,
काटता वह पाप का पेड़;
रात जैसी कालिमा छंटेगी,
और खिलेगी हर्ष की धूप।

Divine Mother

Divine mother
Grant me peace
Allow me to be free
Destroy my ignorance
And save my soul

O compassionate mother
Grant your child courage
To get through the twists and turns of life
Let me live with pride
At least till i'm alive

O mother of wrath
Pardon my shortcomings
And my mistakes
Grant me the power to endure
And hold me in your motherly embrace

The perfect mother

In the depth of darkness, alone and afraid
I was walking in search of light
Beyond time and space
I was searching for you
Oh my perfect mother

Hold your warrior child
Take your healer son in your lap
For he is wounded
And he can't fight anymore
The darkness within is swallowing the peace

You see beneath the facade
You correct the mistakes
You hold your warrior son
And kiss his worries away
O perfect mother - lead your warrior child to the kingdom of peace

O Mother

O mother
I am your foolish child
A warrior fighting the darkness within
Show me the light in this deep dark tunnel
So that i may see the light at its end

O divine mother
Save my soul
Save your foolish child
Grant me the divine conciousness
So that i may achieve Nirvana
So that i can be with you forever and never lonely

O kind mother
Save me from demons
Of my own and others
Grant me the courage to fight valiantly
Grant me the power to destroy evil
O mother, save my soul, save my honour
Save the warrior child of thee

Call to the Mother

O divine mother
I see nothing but thee
Help your child
To conquer the demons
Destroy the darkness
Within his being
And grant him your eternal light
O mother take your child in your lap
And save him from the world
O divine mother
Save your child
And feed him the nectar of your divine love
Destroy the evil
Just as you slay demons
O slayer of Mahishasura
O divine mother i bow down to thee

इतने सालों की भयानक मानसिक प्रताड़ना के बाद, वो भी तब जब मैं खुद अपने शरीर की प्रताड़ना झेल रहा था ने मेरी स्तिथि काफी बुरी कर दी थी. कभी कभी ज़िन्दगी ऐसी ही हो जाती है कि खुद को यकीन ही नहीं होता. मुझे लोगों से कोई शिकवा नहीं है, दुःख सिर्फ इस बात का है कि दुनिया का असल रूप मैं सह नहीं पाया. मैं यहाँ से वहां तक गया, मैंने अपने मर्ज़ का इलाज खोजने की कोशिश की और उस कोशिश के चक्कर में कई ठोकरें भी खायीं.

s

Thoughtspill

I want to thank the nature for giving me opportunities. World is full of shit and some have the cleaning job in this pool of shit. People, living like worms, like crabs in this bucket full of shit, guided by their survival instincts. You are also guided by the same but you know it. You do not give a shit if you survive or not, because you know what suffering is. You do not fear, because you did not ever want to take what you do not deserve. You always got less than what you deserved and this thing gives you strength. World doesn’t function on moral laws and you proved it scientifically. People are full of shit generally and you have proved it too. You have to clean yourself inside out. You have to clean others, the deserving ones in your proximity. You have to be a human among these animals. You have realized what has troubled you all these years. People having fun in pain of others, are the real problem, but you can’t help it. It is a choice. Everything has choices. And you have NEVER made a wrong choice out of available options. It’s not about loss and victory, it is about sacrifice, and sacrifice doesn’t mean anything to nature. The animals who will feed on you will never realize the meaning of it. But you know it. And that is what matters. You tried to find people like you, and they are there, less, but they exist. The ones that choose to fight. The ones who fight against odds till they die. You don’t expect a change but you will fight for it, in any way, in the smallest way possible for you. Continuously. You make mistakes because you are human. You don’t have to feel guilty for it. Because they are mistakes. Assholes are having fun. They are intentionally doing things and having fun. You are only committing mistakes. Forgive yourself and move forward. You can’t feel guilty and block yourself because you have to do many little things before your end or at least die trying. But for that, you have to be able. You need to take care of yourself. It’s all about persisting in an ugly, self obsessed narcissistic world. The sun is going to explode anyway. And before that the mountains will melt to consume everything human. But even before that you will do your little part and bleed to death.

September 27, 2015

I am

I am a philosopher, scientist and a physician. I am a warrior, a son, a grandson, a brother, a friend, a man, a boy, a human, an animal. I am not my religion, i am not my culture, i am not my nation, i am not my name and not my face and yet i am all of them. I can see through people, i can see their weaknesses and i can see their strengths. I feel happy when good humans are happy. I feel bad when scoundrels win. I am a fighter, and i am a traveller. I am a drifter, and a sage. I am the devil for the ones who deserve it. And i am God.

September 26, 2015

Warrior speaketh

I am a guy. A boy and a man. I have undergone the damage. I have been the gentleman in the face of adversity. I have persisted. I did not give up. I have lost and lost and lost and never gave up. I have fought alone without anyone’s help. I did NOT give up ever. I have won over myself. I have trained myself so hard that i became a rock. I have never lost tenderness of my heart. I have seen the worse, suffered the worst and undergone the worst. I have stood by my principles. I have never cheated, i have transgressed the rules of society. I have transcended my abilities. I have fought my demons and i have witnessed blood. I have feared shame. I have felt guilt. I have loved and lost. I have fought, and fought. I will fight still. Because that’s how warriors are. I am fearless. I am relentless. I am on all levels. I am the one with good heart and strong head. I am not afraid to take myself seriously. I am funny but not out fear but choice. I am not a comedian out of fear. I am not a philosopher out of need. I have tasted fear and swallowed its metallic taste to strengthen my bones. I have exposed myself to the sun. I have burned myself in the heat. I have suffered the cold. I have seen it all. I walk the streets quietly and you won’t be able to recognize me. I do not want to be recognized. I do my work silently. I fight. Day and night relentlessly. I will fight till i die, because the honour of the warrior is to die in the battleground. And till that auspicious day, no one is going to stop me.

September 19, 2015

Wounded warrior

It is not about courage. It is about courage at the right time. I think i failed because i failed to show it at the right time. I had to fail, because i was alone with that heavy burden. When you are being crushed with a burden and your both hands are occupied and your back cracking with the weight it is then difficult to save others. Sometimes i wonder that the guilt is for not being able to save somebody or a disappointment of not being able to show the world that you can save that person. You had all the power, if only you were not carrying that heavy fucking weight. It is a guilt ridden ride and you will have to forgive yourself. You still have to save many. You are a doctor. The first step will be throwing of that weight, and it is easy now. Very easy. This weight was such that throwing it off would give you a little extra agility. Your back is hurt, and injuries do take a little time to heal. Give yourself that time. Take enough time and then pick up your sword. Take rest. Sleep well, but keep your sword by your side.

September 18, 2015

Wording feelings

Ultimately it is about you and your place in the universe. I handle my daily life like a normal person, and i am very much a normal person except that intense feeling of dissatisfaction with humanity. I like order but the disorder in the society troubles me. Yet, long back i had learnt that disorder is order and order is disorder. I try to keep myself in order inside and be a little disorderly outside to match the outside society. I see everyone running and pushing around for their needs and wait for my turn. After some time i too get involved into that same running and pushing though i am mostly in a habit of coming last in these endeavours. Knowledge to me is more important than money, position fame and sex. Love is an expression of a variety of other things so i don’t believe in it as the world does but i believe in loving because i actually think that love heals. Love is a creative force, as much as fear is destructive. The more i know the more i realize that the prophets of olden times were right. Still i don’t believe in strict definitions of right and wrong as the society believes in. I believe if the needs of everyone is taken care of, there would be peace; also a sense of responsibility is to be inculcated in people so that they themselves refrain from greed. It is so difficult that it almost looks impossible. I have practised it myself and then looked at the world and started living the same way as others. But i realize that it would leave no difference between me and others, so then again i decided to take only what i need for my goal and calling and refrain from excess. It is a whole different point that excess has different definitions for different people.

September 14, 2015

A splinter in the heart

How does it feel when you come to know someone else has been touching, holding, feeling, smelling the person you love more than yourself. A person you have given all rights over yourself, a person you’d do anything to keep happy; can you imagine that person in someone else’s arms? To make things worse you know the other persons motives too. Men are dogs. They say. Men keep running after the flesh. That’s why they are dogs. But ask a man. Even though he is a dog, running after flesh, he knows to whom he is loyal to. Women, i am not trying to generalise, when they cheat, cheat you completely. And after all this time, i have realized that it is not their fault. They have options and they have all the freedom to take it. I never cheated. Like a fucking german shepherd doubt on my loyalty was out of question. And look what i get. Whenever i watch those seasons of breaking bad or walking dead it feels like someone has smeared chillies on my wounds. Loyalty like all virtues is made to be pissed on. Someone else smells those lovely hair, your fingers grip someone else’s shoulders, you say someone else’s name with the same mouth you kissed me with. I can’t hate all women because of you but sometimes i wonder if all women have something in common. May be that’s why i like strong women. I have no problems with you cheating anymore, and i would never commit and be on the receiving side from now on, you whore.

September 13, 2015

Miles to go

Opposing beliefs of other people in front of your carefully tailored beliefs. Your beliefs are optimum, based on win-win philosophy. You never trouble anybody and try to help others if you can, but others do not share your belief. You were afraid because you could sense the motives of people. You were sad because it disappointed you. This thought never leaves you. The demon in you wants to retaliate. But you have tamed him. The demon has become your dog, only to be used for a real war, a real forced war. There is a time when you fight yourself and then you stop doing so. Because you realize the futility of fighting yourself for a set of beliefs which aren’t even functional anymore. You have exposed yourself, fought, felt what it is like to be on the edge. You have experimented with yourself, tortured, and pushed yourself to the limits. You broke down and didn’t stop. Now it is the time to pick yourself up and be the man you really are. The training is over. Now it is the time to learn the business. You know that it’s not about pleasure but peace and happiness. Fighting or defeating people who have no idea what you are, is of no use, though sometimes wrong ideas of others may get in way of your self preservation. The thing to remember is if you are right, you will always morally defeat others, sadly this doesn’t work on psychopaths. Fear doesn’t make you strong. Fear makes you alert. Be strong, because you are fearless. Fearless weakness is most prone to perish and you have miles to go before you sleep.

September 12, 2015

Hope

You tend to estimate the damage. After all we all are humans and have a penchant for pleasure. Obsessing about good, bad, darkness or light isn’t going to make life better. Lions will hunt, deer will run, peacocks will dance during the rains. Life is so psychopathic this way. A neutral emotionless passage of time which doesn’t give a fuck whether you are happy or sad. That i guess is called nirvana. Kurt Cobain attained the final nirvana with a shotgun in his mouth. Gandhi attained it by taking his personal revenge on British on a national scale. If we really want to see what is going on, most of the shit going on is disgusting. Selfish, hypocritical people. No wonder most of the universe is darkness. You will have to choose your stance. Light a candle and move along in the darkness. Do not give a fuck, be neutral inside and good outside, hoping that someone is there some where to help you with the darkness buried deep within your heart.

September 8, 2015

Doctor inside

I may well start talking about my work than about the things in my head. People are boring, and people who talk about other people are boring too. People are just result of a process called life. We are all same at the very basic level and the differences we have are not so major, as far as nature is concerned. Though nobody denies butterfly effects.
I have been in love with human body since the first day i joined the medical college. The bones, muscles, body fluids, organs, they all have never ceased to amaze me. I compare this creation of nature and how natural laws work together to carry out the processes, and it always fills me with a sense of wonder. I love science, i have always been in love with it. I have experimented, proved theories i wanted to prove without fear and fail. Science is a relief from my overtly emotional self. It helps me to become neutral, non-emotional and logical. It helps me to know, it helps me in my pursuit of truth.
The basic truth is that human perception can never find out the truth. But finding as much we can is a boon in itself.

September 3, 2015

Tennis ball that doesn't matter

A ball of molten lava starts to cool from the surface and the surface starts growing ecosystem over itself, based on the chemical elements it has. Elements, combine to form molecules and biomolecules. Biomolecules form complex components of the cell. How do we define what is non living? Everything acts according to force. Everything fights for its stability. So why can’t we be selfish? I put others before me but i have understood that selflessness is either an excuse of weakness or an expression of despair. Sometimes it may be heroic but it is really very seldom.
Unicellulars evolved in thousand ways, multicellulars were formed and thus plants and animals and fungi and others were formed. It is creation, and ongoing. It is an unending loop. A line in a dimension in which we are moving forwards is time. The time passes and we get older. Our cells age and die. We age and die. The earth keeps cooling down further and we are worried about global warming. We are like a growing fungus on a dirty old tennis ball and that tennis ball is earth. We can believe in a god for all we want. But it is on a whole different scale. We are part of a system of reward and punishment but as you know more, it doesn’t even matter. It is not about money, neither about sex and not at all about social respect as you go higher. It is about nothing, which is everything.

August 09, 2015

Dr. Strangelovin

After six years of study of medicine and one year of work i am back to college again for post-graduation in medical physiology. That ends my work in a clinical setting and shifts the attention to the lab. I am a decent doctor because i am generally able to be close enough to my high standards in diagnosis and treatment planning, but people don’t want a decent doctor, they want someone who can give them injections filled with water. I was so filled with hope when i first joined medicine but by the end of the course this hope turned into disappointment. Medicine is necessary but personally in my case if i am hit and bleeding on the road, i would prefer dying. People are not like this and they want to be saved. They even want the shape of their nose, and lips changed. Not to mention the infections that affect human population, i don’t take antibiotics generally but i would take them if they are required. Though if my death is imminent, i would rather prefer dying.
I have become apathetic, and i am over with doing individual good. I would end my debt to humanity by doing general good from a lab because i have become too insensitive to help individual people. The sad part is i still help people against my will because i am forced to, by my principles.
And i want to avoid it. I know i can run but can’t hide. Lab is the place where i am going to run and hide before going all out.
Thank you Dr. Guyton.

August 1, 2015

Prisoner of peace

You place other people on a higher pedestal than you. Not because they are better than you or you consider yourself less than them. You do it because you try to respect them as much as you respect yourself. But the pre-requisites of respect in the society are predefined. People will judge you if you are black, if you are fat, if you are gay. They will judge you if you are kind. I am neither fat nor gay, and i am brown in a country of brown people. I have friends who are fat and who are gay. Society doesn’t give chance to the good ones. The rejects become evil. But not as evil as the real devils. Rejects become evil because they undergo suffering. And there are some who enjoy making others suffer.
I underwent transformation and saw the truth beyond the facade. I saw how the system works. I couldn’t take it. Leave the fat ones, the black ones, the brown ones, the weak ones, the ones with birth anomalies, with polio, with cerebral palsy, leave all of them alone.
I believed in justice, in equality, in a god. I never got rejected except by a girl. And that’s fine. Who wants to get accepted on this kind of society? In this place full of hypocrites and scoundrels.
I did a social experiment and found everything i had guessed about the world was true.
But i stick on to hope. I hope to make the world a better place. I’ll be in the society and follow its rules in a hope of a better future. I will not give into scoundrels and hypocrites. I won’t give them power to reject me. I reject them. As i have rejected myself for being like them. I will only accept myself when i am completely free, when i am independent of the societal influences. When i am free of anarchy, democracy, and monarchy. If i want to be a prisoner, i want to be a prisoner of peace.

July 27, 2015

Byronic Heroes

We are the afraid ones. The world has terrified us. We appreciate beauty more than others but know that it is a trap. We are brave but to kind to kill someone. We are emotional but we have realized that the world is mathematical. Emotions are chemistry in the brain which is physics on a deeper level and maths of 0 and 1 at the most basic level. It’s all business of balance. Everything is giving and taking trying to balance. And here, we emotional ones try to hold on to our emotions while the whole world is busy with its hypocrisy. We want to make a change and to make a change we have to be calculative. We will have to be monsters to defeat monsters. We will have to kill our emotions too preserve emotions of the innocent from psychopaths. We are the antiheroes. We are the villains who are the real heroes.

July 26, 2015

Man Decoded

There was a time when man used to roam in the wild, he used to forage and hunt. To exist and preserve himself he started living in groups.
Scientists say that man evolved from apes, and multicellular organisms evolved from unicellular organisms. Multicellular organism also developed from the same fundamental evolution. Unicellular organisms multiplied and assigned different functions to different cells to create a multicellular system. Everything wants to grow and while doing so wants to achieve a sense of harmony.
Man’s group grew and took different forms. Tribes initially in the wild and then castes, creeds, religions and societies.
As men we want a nice woman who can bear us good healthy children who has all the traits acceptable in the society and robustness for fighting the dangers of nature.
As women we want a caring and protective partner who can help in raising our kids.
Even if we don’t ‘want’ these things to happen we act according to them because these are the things which are programmed into our system.
All of our behaviours are perversions of our this internal programming. Overt sexuality is just a cry for help in terms of survival. Poetry (most of the times) is a productive expression of overt sexuality.
If every one is given enough food, a mate who resonates at their frequency, and other needs, then peace is possible in the world, but it won’t be long lasting, because desires, turn into greed and then need. And desires have no end.

July 24, 2015

Boney Allen

Joints, bones and sutures. After spending so much time with the human mind, I am spending time with bones. My knowledge of anatomy has gone weak, frankly speaking my knowledge of pre-clinicals in general has gone weak because of I have been focusing on practise of medicine and human mind since past two years. Bones are great and I had never realized it before. Yesterday boss was telling me about mechanism of action of xylocaine, one needs to have enough repetitions to be able to remember all these things. I think I will have to start again with general anatomy.
Physiology is my favourite subject and I hope it is going to be my focus in near future. I have had considerable experience in diagnosis of diseases but due to the nature of my studies the focus on pathophysiology has not been too deep.
I would like to work in the field of neurophysiology later but earning bread is a major consideration at present.
For now orthopaedics satisfies my basic needs. Since the hospital is not so big I get to do a lot of work from ER to ICU and my home ground the OPD. I think this much is enough for a person who tried to drop out in his third year of medical college. My future prospects are unclear but if I do nothing I’ll still be a physician sitting at a clinic. I think my double chin has started to show already.

July 20, 2015

Honest lies

People like honest people. But if people liked honesty, why would one need to lie. People like honesty which is good to their ears. Tell them something not so pleasant and all their liking for honesty goes down the drain. I am a terribly honest person. But with myself. I sugar coat my honesty to make it palatable.
If you know enough, you know that everybody in this world is delusional. All we have is approximation. The closer to reality we are, better is our approximation of it.
The ideals of humanity create losers. But humanity thrives due to these losers. These delusional people sacrifice themselves with the hope that one day everything is perfect. I think the scientific ones among these know that the sun is going to explode one day. Till then we can keep losing and sacrificing ourselves to make one for losers.
On tumblr we keep talking about a component called stardust. Apparently we all, especially tumblr folk are made up of it. Though most of us are too busy spreading this knowledge and have the least time to dust our room.
I am honest enough for my own bad. But since the time I have started sugar-coating my honesty I have been better. This sugar coated honesty is essentially a lie.

July 21, 2015

Spilled Thoughts

To realize the the animal in you who is ready to do selfish things on other people’s expense is terribly disappointing. But people are like that, selfish animals, it is the design of nature.
One can be a self-sacrificing idiot but the sacrifice should be worth it. My life’s not worth shit for me. But as I matured, I found that nothing is really worth it. Since some people have that warrior blood and can do nothing better than throwing their lives around they’ll have to choose at least something to die for.
I have things to live for, and things to die for. I may die in a battle but my enemy would never be able to defeat me. Only times I give up is to protect someone. I can be killed but not defeated. I can be killed because I would let myself killed.
Warriors are creatures of hell. They live in hell so that others can enjoy luxuries of heaven. Warriors do not fight for themselves, they fight for beliefs and for others. Rest others are just predators.

July 20, 2015

God's own pet demon

Caution is an exercise which is seldom futile. Sometimes excess caution can lead to delay in action but it is the part and parcel of the package. I try to be cautious, because I am trustworthy and as a result trusting. One sees in others the quality he has. Paranoia is a result of repeated damage to the trust, and that to the point that it endangers survival. To deal with animals you either need to have a gun, so that you can shoot them from far, or be an animal yourself. Gun is a privilege which not everybody can have. So to deal with animals you have to become an animal.
I love innocence. Innocence is ignorance of the ugly, and ignorance is bliss. Where ever I see innocence I try to preserve it and if I see that it is bound to be destroyed I take it upon myself to do it in a controlled setting. I had realized long back that I can’t change the world. But I can do my part. I am god’s undercover agent in the devil’s lair. I am no one, and I don’t even believe in god. But this ‘I am no one’ is a result of a deep rooted belief of I am someone and I want to be someone big. Though after knowing the futility of it, it doesn’t matter. I am the demon that works for god. Too bad he doesn’t exist.

July 16, 2015

Spilled thoughts

How great it would’ve been if we could express everything we felt. A particular culture, a particular country could be understood exactly as it is by people outside it. People outside a culture give new insights and views about that culture.
Cultures grow out of individuals. Individual is the functional unit of society. He makes things, invents, improves and brings about a change.
Individuals are affected by thoughts and thoughts grow out of ideas. Ideas transform into thoughts and thoughts into actions.
A complex thinking process is a result of entangled thoughts and opposing ideas. There are various thoughts of conflicting nature. The more you know, the more the conflicts with your earlier beliefs. Beliefs are ideas or thoughts which we think of as true. Like a belief in God.
I know who I am but then I know more and undergo a crisis. My beliefs are shaken and my soul is broken. I stop acting and become a mere observer. Should I act or should I not?
My belief in an all powerful and good, loving compassionate god was broken long back. I believe in duality, in dichotomy but I do not believe in a human specific all powerful being. This realization came as a shock to me and I don’t think I have recovered from it yet.
Everything what we do is out of selfish motives and there is no denying this fact. Even my writing this, has some deep rooted selfish motive. Life is too unpredictable to be lived according to ideals. Though ideals can be taken as guidelines.
The realization of yourself as an individual, alone in this expanding, immeasurable, infinite universe is a horror. You are a sentient being and you are an individual entity connected to others with different bonds.
I have lived this horror and I have survived and then I have to survive the mundane life which is too difficult to do after this realization. I like to ride my bike safe because when the truck’s tyre crushes a skull all the metaphysical concepts and talks about the universe are spread on the road in a gooey mass.

July 17, 2015

Spilled thoughts

If one wants to achieve something, first of all there should be desire. Sometimes what happens is you lose that desire. That mostly happens if you are too selective or your rose tinted glasses suddenly break or are removed. Places have their different essences which are imbibed by the people. You live at different places and imbibe different types of cultures and lifestyles.
There are specific solutions to specific problems and time is required for it. There are so many stories that must be told, but they are never told. Wrong perspectives produce wrong ideas. Wrong ideas produce wrong beliefs, and wrong beliefs ruin life.
I have been intellectualizing a lot. Intellectualization makes simple things complex and it is the way of sophisticated people. I consider myself a pseudointellectual and unnecessarily sophisticated person. Direct things are way better, and that’s why the illiterate people are happy or sad. But I believe that this unnecessary intellectualization is also a reason for growth of humanity. I want to believe in people but they are so predictable. Sometimes unpredictability comes as a surprise but it is seldom in my favour. It is more like when you can see through a jar, why would you open it. One scenario would be if it has cookies in it. But if your taste buds have been damaged even this scenario is not so tempting.

July 10, 2015

An exercise in internal harmony

July 8, 2015

I take things subjectively rather than objectively and this is fine but there should be a balance between subjectivity and objectivity. Harmony is essential for peace. Too subjective will attract internal turmoil whereas too objective will attract external problems. If you are trusting you are not going to change, you’ll just start trusting the fact that people are untrustworthy. There are so many things in the world, so much to experience that we are susceptible to experiential gluttony. Jungle seems to be the best metaphor for the world. There are rabbits, snakes and crocs, alligators and pigs, dogs, wolves and hyenas. You will see men with all these characteristics in the world. There are buildings created out of need and ornamented out of pride and greed. There are vehicles created out of need and improved out of greed. The best thing about greed is that it becomes a need later.
Now, I personally am a product of my pseudo-spinelessness. I call it pseudo because it is not my real nature. I was unable to take a stand for things because of some personal blocks. Not being able to stand against things I could not stand made my life hell. Not being able to take steps against wrongs filled me with guilt. Not being able to oppose the scoundrels and assholes not out of fear of death or shame but out of sheer internal helplessness. This guilt fucked my life. I became a mere observer. This inaction ruined me. My whole life became a burning guilt. But this inaction also taught me a lot of things.
Life is the most serious thing ever. And to take it seriously or not depends on you. I take it seriously, it may be foolish to some happy go lucky souls, and to me too when I am in a light mood but I need to take it seriously because it is the reason for my existence.

Nihilist's rhyme

Trust has rust,
Belief has lie,
Live to the fullest,
Before you die,
Pain is a drug,
Love is too,
Pain is better,
Bet you knew.

July 7, 2015

An exercise in harmony

I can be sure about these kind of things. One may or may not know these deep things but these subtle nuances can be detected by me. I feel trapped. I hear old Hindi songs of the 90s and I feel suffocated. I feel as if that time should come back and the realization that that golden time is past and will never come back comes as a horror to me. I want the 90s and would never get that. Things in the world are beyond my control. Things in the world are beyond control of the most powerful man. Not everything can be controlled by man. We are all Gods of things we are in control of. We all have our own universe which we can control. Then there is this world in our head. Multiverses in my head need to be unified into a universe. Not everything can go in. Storage capacity is limited. It’s just mass of flesh, one can’t be sure if it can connect to the exterior except with the five senses. If it does, it would be cool.
I remember myself fifteen years old practising taekwondo till I was drenched in sweat. I used to go to the stadium riding my bicycle with my bat hanging on my shoulder. I have seen the golden times. They may be personal golden times but they were golden. The world keeps changing and we keep losing things and gaining new things. Peace is cool but too much peace would end action and spy movies.
You have a concept of yourself in your head. Your future conception of yourself or even present concept. You shouldn’t lose that. You should know who you are. You should be who you are or what you want to be. Never lose that concept or if you do that redefine the new one according to yourself.
Dying is easy. Living is easy. Doing what you want is easy but for a few. It is a luxury. Fear gets better of you everytime. Fear is a saviour but sometimes it can be dictator. Don’t let the saviour be the dictator. Know the excess and control it. Be the moderator, be in control, but without being a control freak.

July 15, 2015

Monster

With the noise of blaring sirens of the ambulance we run outside the hospital. We open the door and get inside the ambulance to see two bodies lying motionless. The pulse is checked, pupillary reflexes are examined and CPR is done. No signs of life. I feel nothing. I come back sit on my chair and sip my tea.
Earlier these things used to make me angry. They used to make me burn from inside. Now it’s all ok.
There was a news in the paper in which an engineering student had commited suicide. The intelligent reporter had reported the news with a high res picture of the naked ass of the engineering student split into two by the train. I would like to recommend him to be given Magsaysay award.
Girls are raped daily in my country. So many are reported and a large number go unnoticed. Boys are raped emotionally first by the society and then by females.
And all this happens to the person who is the very definition of being human whether man or woman. This feeling, emotional, peace loving individual is raped daily. The only choice remains is to either be an animal or a monster. I think I am becoming a monster. Only difference is I am a monster courting insanity.

July 6, 2015