Zindagi(Shaitan).....

This song from the movie Shaitan aptly expresses the life......Zindagi

Haa..
Kal talak mein
Khudi mein khatha tha
Apni marzi ka khuda tha
Oh zindagi
Tere phike kaayton se judaa tha
Tere teeke sharton se khafaa tha
Oh..zindagi
Iraadon mein
Muraadon mein
Toofaan the
Khyaalon mein
Vichaaron mein
Shaitan the
Khyaalon mein
Vichaaron mein
Shaitan the
Ladh kar jaana
Gir kar jaana
Tera rutbaa
Mar kar jaana
Khush hua hai
Parwaana
Mein
Tera khilona
Khilona
Tu jeeti
Mein haara
Gazab hi sheh se maara
Giraya guroor mera
Iraadon mein
Muraadon mein
Toofaan the
Khyaalon mein
Vichaaron mein
Shaitan the
Shaitan the
Jala hoon mein
Sab tere hawale
Khyaalon mein
Vichaaron mein
Shaitan the
Shaitan the

वो बंगालन .......

मनु की डायरी के कुछ अंश (२०१०) 

१३/१/१०

आज का दिन बहुत अच्छा गुजरा. कॉलेज में बहुत मज़े आये पर शाम को जब मैं घर वापस लौट रहा था तब एक अजीब बात हुई. मैंने एक काली साड़ी पहने हुई औरत को देखा पता नहीं उसको देख कर मुझे इतना अजीब क्यों लगा.  उसके चेहरे पर एक ऐसा भाव था जो मैं बयान नहीं कर सकता. उसने माथे पर लाल रंग की बिंदी लगा रखी थी जो उसके सफ़ेद चेहरे की वजह से और चमक रही थी. उसकी चमड़ी पीलापन लिए हुई सफ़ेद थी जो उसकी काली साड़ी और काले बालों और काजल की वजह से और सफ़ेद दिख रही थी. मुझे देख कर वो मुस्कुराई पर पता नहीं क्यों उसकी मुस्कराहट से मुझे डर लगा. शाम से ही मैं उसके अलावा कुछ और नहीं सोच पाया हूँ. शायद यहाँ लिख देने से कुछ राहत मिले.

१३/२/२०१० 

आज एक महीने बाद मैंने फिर उसी काली साडी वाली औरत को देखा. उसी काली साड़ी वाली औरत को. आज जब में कालेज में लेक्चर सुन रहा था. वो खिड़की के बाहर खड़ी थी. मुझे पता नहीं वो कालेज क्यों आई थी. जब तक लेक्चर चला वो खड़ी हो कर मुझे देखती रही. लेक्चर के बाद जब मैं बहार निकला तब वो वहां नहीं थी. उस समय के बाद से ही मुझे कुछ अच्छा नहीं लग रहा. मेरे दिमाग में उसी का चेहरा घूम रहा है. ध्यान बटाने के लिए मुझे कुछ करना पड़ेगा. 

२६/२/१० 

आज ठीक तेरह दिन बाद फिर से वही औरत मेरे क्लास की खिड़की के बाहर खड़ी हो कर मुझे देख रही थी. मैं बार बार उसे देख रहा था इसकी वजह से प्रोफ़ेसर ने मुझे क्लास से बहार निकाल दिया. बाहर निकलने पर फिर से वहां कोई नहीं था. शाम को घर लौटते हुए वो फिर मुझे रोड पर दिखी. मुझे समझ नहीं आ रहा की उसे देखने पर मुझे इतना अजीब क्यों लगता है. 

१३/३/१० 

आज मैंने उसे फिर देखा. वो मेरे घर के बाहर खड़ी थी. मुझे पता नहीं उसे मेरा घर कैसे पता चला. आज मुझे पक्का हो गया की वो मेरा ही पीछा कर रही है. पता नहीं उससे मेरे से क्या चाहिए. जब मैं उससे पूछना चाहता हूँ तो वो मुझे कभी मिलती ही नहीं.

२६/३/२०१० 

आज जैसी मुझे उम्मीद थी वो मुझे फिर दिखी. वो फिर कालेज में खिड़की के बाहर खड़ी थी. फिर वो मुझे घर के बाहर भी दिखी. जब में घर पहुंचा तो वो मेरे घर के बाहर खड़ी थी. मैंने माँ को भी उसके बारे में बताया पर माँ ने किसी वैसी औरत को नहीं देखा था. 

२७/३/१०

 कल रात मैंने एक सपना देखा. मैंने देखा की वो औरत मेरे घर का दरवाज़ा खटखटा रही थी, जैसे ही मैंने दरवाज़ा खोला, वो अचानक अन्दर घुस के जोर जोर से हंसने लगी. उसको हँसते हुए देख कर मेरे शरीर में एक अजीब सी सिहरन उठी.  आज सुबह से ही मेरा किसी काम में मन नहीं लग रहा था. पता नहीं  क्या हो रहा है मुझे.

१४/४/१० 

आज मैं डाक्टर के पास गया था. डाक्टर ने कहा है की पढाई का ज्यादा तनाव लेने से कभी कभी ऐसा होता है. उसने मुझे दवाइयां दे दी हैं. शायद अब मुझे इस बीमारी से छुटकारा मिल जाए. 

२२/४/१०

कल रात में सोते हुए मुझे ऐसा लगा जैसे मेरी छाती पर कोई भारी वज़न रखा हो. ऐसा जैसे कोई इंसान चढ़ के मेरी छाती पर बैठा हो. मुझे बिलकुल सांस नहीं आ रही थी. जैसे ही मैंने आने आँखें खोली वो ठीक मेरे पलंग के सामने खड़ी थी. मैं डर के मारे कापने लगा था. फिर मैं चीख के उठा और मुझे पता चला की वो भी सपने का ही एक हिस्सा था.

२६/४/१०

अब वो औरत मुझे मेरे कमरे की खिड़की के बाहर भी दिखाई देने लगी है. रात में जब में सोता हूँ तो वो खिड़की के बाहर से खड़ी हो कर घूरती रहती है. उसकी लाल बिंदी और पीला चेहरा चांदनी में चमकता है. कभी कभी वो मुझे देख कर मुस्कुराती है और तब मुझे बिलकुल अच्छा नहीं लगता.

२९/४/१०

आज मुझे अपने कालेज के चौकीदार से उस औरत के बारे में पूछा. उसने किसी ऐसी औरत को क्लास की खिड़की के बाहर नहीं देखा था. उसी से मुझे पता चला की मेरे कालेज के बगल में एक घर में एक बंगाली परिवार रहता था. पति, पत्नी और एक बच्चा. पति पत्नी की एक कार दुर्घटना में मौत हो गयी थी और बच्चे को उसके चाचा ने गोद ले लिया. चौकीदार ने ये बात इसलिए बताई क्यों की उस बंगाली औरत का हुलिया मेरे बताये हुलिए से बहुत मिलता है. साला अन्धविश्वासी. 

३/५/१०

कल रात फिर मैंने उस औरत को सपने में देखा. आज उसके साथ एक बच्चा भी था. उसके चेहरे पर अजीब भाव थे जो मैं समझ नहीं पाया. फिर से मुझे सांस लेने में दिक्कत होने लगी. मैंने आँखे खोली तो सामने खिड़की के बाहर वो मुझे देख कर हंस रही  थी. 

 ५/५/१०

आजकल मेरी तबियत बहुत ख़राब रहती है. मैं शरीर से भी बहुत कमज़ोर होता जा रहा हूँ, थोडा सा काम करने पर ही मुझे चक्कर आ जाते हैं. आज मैं कालेज में चकरा के गिर पड़ा. आज फिर वो औरत मुझे नहीं दिखी. आजकल वो मुझे नहीं दिखती, पर मेरी तबियत ख़राब रहती है. पता नहीं मुझे क्या हो गया है जब देखो कोई न कोई दिक्कत.

७/५/१० 

आज मैं अस्पताल में भर्ती हो गया. मेरी तबियत बिगडती ही जा रही है. डॉक्टर का कहना है की मेरे अन्दर खून की कमी हो रही है. पता नहीं मुझे  क्या हो गया है.

.........................

डायरी बंद कर के मनु ने बगल की मेज पर रख दी. मनु के डॉक्टर आ चुके थे. आ कर डॉक्टर ने मनु की आँखें देखि. 

"मनु, हमने तुम्हारी साड़ी जाचें करवा ली हैं, उनमें कोई गड़बड़ नहीं है, पता नहीं क्या दिक्कत है, तुम्हारी हालत में ज्यादा सुधार नहीं है, हमें कुछ दिन तुम्हे यही रकना पड़ेगा.', डॉक्टर साहब ये कह बगल के मरीज़ के पास चले गए.

मनु लेट गया. उसने अपने बगल के बेड पर देखा. उस बेड पर वही छोटा बच्चा लेटा था जिसे उसने उस औरत के साथ सपने में देखा था.

"मिस्टर. साहा मैंने आज तक ऐसा केस नहीं देखा. आप के भतीजे को तीसरी डिग्री का ब्लड कैंसर है, मुझे इसके बचने की कोई उम्मीद नहीं थी, पर पिछले कुछ दिनों में इसने ऐसी प्रोग्रेस दिखाई है जिसने मुझे हैरत में डाल दिया", डॉक्टर साहब अपनी हैरत दिखा रहे थे.

मनु का दिमाग घूमने लगा. उसने आँखें बंद कर ली. जब उसने आँखें खोली तो कमरे में अँधेरा था. उसने उस बच्चे के बेड की तरफ देखा. वो काली साडी वाली औरत बच्चे के सिरहाने बैठे हुए मनु को घूरते हुए मुस्कुरा रही थी. वो एक माँ थी, एक डायन माँ. 

Showers.......

Shower in the green fields....


I hear the thunder, I run out,
leaving mother shouting from the kitchen,
I don't hear her, just listening to the thunder I keep running,
till I reach the green fields.


I reach the green field and look up at the dark clouds,
the bright green field contrasts with the dark sky,
sun is completely hidden by the clouds,
and lightening provides the light for moments.


I see my fellows coming running,
they are shouting and cheering loud,
I keep looking up like a thirsty bird,
the first drop falls on my nose.


Me and my fellows jump in joy,
just then with a loud thunder the shower begins,
mad with joy they are jumping and rolling in the field,
I let the madness take over me too.





 The shower of thought


I stand beneath the shower,
cool water falls in droplets,
travels all over my body and cools it,
I close my eyes, feeling my eyes getting cooler,
I feel a relief a satisfaction,

I open my eyes and see the water drops falling like pearls,
My mind keeps thinking one thing or the other,
my thoughts are just like water droplets,
they trickle as soon as they come,
from here to there, some place to the other they travel.

I point my face towards the shower,
I feel the droplets falling on my face,
the coolness spreads over my body,
a sense of calmness over comes my mind,
I close my eyes again and it feels like rebirth.

Love- good bad and ugly.....

 The Good.....

TOMB OF LOVERS

Years ago when I saw her, I got carried (away),
The thought of not getting her made me worried,
I had to get her so I hurried,
I got her for life, content with years spent together, now we both are buried (together).
 
The Bad....

BITCH

I thought I loved her, but now I don't...
Really? I don't know...
I tried to convince me that she was a bitch,
but.. 
When I had to live life without her I realized life is a bigger bitch than she is....


The Ugly... 


POINT BLANK

I liked her, she liked me.
I helped her, she helped me.
I loved her, she loved me.
I cheated her, she cheated me.
I shot her, point blank.

Reckless..

I am like that. You never know when I will do what. I am reckless. She was standing in front of my car, it was her mistake. She paid for it, with her life. I mauled her. I never did like her face. I never liked her behavior. I never liked her at all. Yesterday when she was standing in front of my car, I felt an uncontrollable impulse of…. well…., It was bumpy.

I know the police won’t be able to hold me in the lockup for long. My dad’s in the ministry and that makes me the dad of police. I have never been in lockup for this long. It usually took one or two hours earlier. I wonder why things are taking so long. I will better sleep than to sit and watch these khaki assholes.

Ahh.. It’s so cold here. They haven’t given me a blanket even. The cold is making me question my decision first time in my life. May be I shouldn’t have mauled that bitch. But she was so ugly, she deserved that. She deserved liberation from her pathetic life. It was fun when the car went over her and everybody still thought that I am drunk. Oh, I was drunk definitely, but not so much that I missed out the pleasure of hearing her bones breaking.

I am feeling hungry. Bastards haven’t given me anything to eat since last 24 hours. I don’t know why dad is not taking any action. I am dying here in this shit hole and he must be sitting in his A.C. office. My stomach is giving hunger pangs since long. I want to get out and get a huge subway sandwich, it will be like heaven.

I am sitting in the lockup and watching the khaki assholes doing their job, nothing else to do except for waiting for my too eased dad to come and get his son out of the lockup. One of the khaki dogs comes to me throws in a newspaper. I read the head line, ‘State minister Balwant Rai and family dies in a car bomb blast’.

 

Dad, mom and Tanya are no more. It was a terrible joke. I call the khaki dog near me and grab his neck from behind the bars. The bastard is struggling helplessly. More of them come to his rescue. One of them hits me with his lathi. World gets blurred.

I open my eyes slowly. I had been unconscious since long. I think about my condition. My family is dead and I am stuck here in this lockup with no one left to save my ass. Uncle will definitely not save me because he’s going to get all the property. Dad’s party people definitely won’t because I have been a source of trouble for them. That leaves me practically with no one. They are going to charge me with murder and throw me in some small, dark, damp, shitty place. I don’t want to spend my life like that. I had so many plans about my life. Now they are all gone.

 I shouldn’t have done what I did. I regret it. She was a nice girl. She always talked nicely to me. Why I did that? May be I was drunk. I shouldn’t have drunk that much that night. I don’t know what to do. May be I if I ask forgiveness to her family members they will forgive me. I should do that. I will do that. I will fall on their feet and ask for forgiveness. 

I was sitting quietly in the lockup when two of the policemen arrived. They are taking me somewhere. I don’t know what is happening. I question them but they are laughing. They throw me in the police jeep and the jeep goes on road. They took me to a secluded area where I see man in police uniform waiting probably for me. Finally someone got me out of that hell. I thanked God.

 

The man waiting for me smiles at me when I got out of the jeep. I smile back at him. He looked like an angel who had come to free me of my worries. He came back to me and asked, ‘Do you know who I am?’

‘No, but definitely you are the one who is going to get me out of my troubles’, I replied.

‘Be sure of that’, he said and smiled.

He then cuffed my hands and pinned me to the ground. It happened so soon that I couldn’t resist it. He then tied my legs. The headlamps of the police jeep bathed me with yellow light.

He smiles again, “I wouldn’t have been able to get you so easy if your corrupt father wasn’t dead. I would have got you anyway but his death made things easy, now I don’t have to risk myself.”

 He signals the jeep. It starts coming towards me. I look at his face closely again. It resembles her.

“I am her brother!” , He said with an expression of agony and hatred.

The jeep was coming towards me. He was looking at me. His face showed satisfaction.  The yellow light of the jeep made his face shine like an angel’s. A minute ago he looked like a devil but now he was looking like an angel; an angel who certainly was about to get me out of all the troubles. 

The girl whose exam went bad….

Like all the males in the world I too ponder upon this question sometimes. ‘What was God Thinking?’ I mean just think, are they really made from our own rib? One of the chief functions of our ribs is that they help us in breathing, how can someone originating from our own rib suffocate us? But they do and even God can’t help us.

Well suffocating is not the only thing they do. They are blessed with other super powers too. One of them is the ability to make you feel terribly guilty. But the story I am going to tell here is totally different then all this and I let it upon you to decide whatever.

I was sitting in the examination with the physics paper. Yes, you heard it right, sitting, literally. It was because the paper was such that even NASA guys would have taken at least four years to solve it. I was thinking of plans to get pass marks. I wrote all that I could and drew a few infinity to infinity optics ray diagrams and then sat to guess how much good a lenient evaluator can do to me. I counted the marks twice, thrice, four times and decided that if Mother Teresa checks my paper I may well pass. I Sit and go into a flashback….

Tringg..Tring..

“Hello”, I pick up the call.

“Hello, what are you doing?”

“I am trying to study, don’t disturb me!”,

“Oh c’mon can’t you talk to me for just an hour”, tomorrow there is my exam too.”

“I am too tensed to talk, call you later”

“If you keep the phone, don’t call me ever again.”

“What the f…. Ok…. Ok…. Tell me what you want to talk.

“Blah…..blah….blah…. Blah…..”

It went on two hours.

Tringg…. Tring…
Now this was the time up bell. I wake up in present, give my paper to invigilator and drag my sorry butt out of the hall.

She was standing outside the examination hall waiting.

“How was the exam?”, she asked.

“It was like shit”, I blurted out.

“Mine too”, She said with a sad expression.

 At least she couldn’t get away clean with what she did to me. I cheered up a little.

“Let’s go out and eat something.”, I told her.

“I will eat pizza”, she expressed herself.

I mean how could one choose what to eat just after screwing up an exam, I could’ve eaten grass right now. Anyway I followed the orders.
…
Days passed and finally the day of results arrived. I went to school school to check my result. 39 out of 70? Even Mother Teresa can't be kinder. I bless the  person who corrected my answer book and his whole family in one go. I was feeling genuinely happy and as soon as I turned back I saw her standing behind me. I hadn't checked her result yet.

"Hi", she said

"Hi,.. I passed.!"

"Shut up, I did not get good marks."

"Oh sorry,..", I genuinely felt sorry for her.. may be it was her mistake but means guy like me got more than expectation.

"How many marks you got by the way?", I asked sympathizing with her.

"I got only 64 marks", she told me with a weepy expression.

"what 64? out of what? 70?", My eyes popped out.

"then what dumbo", she said still maintaining the gloomy face.
 
"Oh I am so sorry", I blurted out. The vessels in my brain were about to burst. I looked at her she was genuinely sad.


"let's go eat pizza", I told her.

"every time pizza, I mean can't you think some thing good,.. I am so sad.... I want to eat panipuri",,,

I wondered about the realation between panipuri and sadness and then complied.

While walking toward the panipuri stall I was thinking the about difference between 39 and 64 and trying to find a rational explanation. Females use both sides of their brains while males use only one side,... I don't know exactly but I heard it somewhere,... this is the most rational explanation. But I am in doubt about myself, do I use any of the both sides?

I was thinking and watching her eating panipuri. Crunch!! I don't know why but I was able to feel the pain of the panipuri.

soaring...!!

 

team work by me and sukrut for photo competition "flicker".. 

The Failure.....

He saw his result and closed his eyes. He felt like his head is swirling around in circles. He had never expected that from himself but now he was one among them. He got the tag of a 'failure'.

Till now he had never tried to understand what the word actually means. It was ironical that the word 'failure' what he thought of an adjective back then now meant as a verb to him.

He remembered the back benchers of the class, some of them crooked and some with the expression of misery and helplessness on their faces. How funny he thought them to be. How rude he was with them and now he was one among them.

'I failed but I had valid reason.'
'Valid? what is valid? Nothing is valid in this world until you win. you be good and lose and see you are still a loser.

'I am not like them'
'Oh come on you are not one of them? What makes them like that? Have you ever gone into their history? May be they have gone through worse time than you do?'

'But they are losers!'
'hah! look who is speaking? who are you? Once a slut is a slut forever!'

Voices kept on talking in his head. He was unable to bear them. These were his own voices contradicting each other. He clutched his head with his hands. this was unbearable.

He knew what he had to do. He took a rope, tied it to the fan and prepared a knot for him on the other end.

He hanged himself.

Crash! The fan came down.

He failed in that too.

Laddu.....

People should have a little if not much humanity in them but that bastard didn't had any. I respect my elders, teachers and everybody,.. I mean that's what you call 'sanskar'. But he was a person who broke my rule. I feel really bad about myself when I hate someone but I hate that person with the bottom of my heart,... he made my life misrable and instilled in me a fear which took a lot of time to be overcome. And yes he was my teacher in school.

I don't know why people become teachers. Is it to show of the whatever little knowledge they have to the children who don't know anything? six years have passed but I haven't forgotten those days. I mean he totally believed in the concept of "catch them young and ruin them young", but he failed. The bastard is still alive and may be ruining more lives of innocent children.

i was blocked and i couldn't retaliate but things still linger....., some times i feel that how can I hate a teacher? But then i know... he wasn't a teacher,.... he was a bastard...

I gotta feeling...2

I am feeling like a freaking n00b in a quake 3 arena filled with experts. I have to save my butt from getting fragged. All kinds of Visors, Majors and Grunts ready with their plasma, chain, rail and machine guns.

It's the real most quake 3 arena you can ever think of. If you go well it'll be.......

Perfect..

Accuracy...

and all the others...

Why?

It's not just a question,
It's the word that defines you in my life,
Why?

Was I so bad?
Tell me my mistake?
Why?

You can't tell,
Can you?
Why?

It's a pain which throbs,
Each day each minute,
Why?

I know you chose me,
Was I special?
Why?

The Pain drives me now,
and it will make me answer this,
why.