The queen

May 21, 2016

Some women are like queens and that too generous ones. They make you feel so humble with their generosity that you get amazed. You know that you can’t get them but then you decide to guard them with all your might. You become the queen’s guard.

Love is a commodity and in these sad times when you get such a woman even just for some time you decide to protect her fiercely. May be she doesn’t need you but deep down you know that she does. At least in today’s world, at least one person who has dedicated his life to her.
She holds you in her arms because she is knows that guards need protection too. All you want is for her to be happy. Everyday of her life. You want to keep her safe. Keep her children safe. No matter to whom she belongs, you belong to her and this is enough.

She gives herself to you and you know that she is binding you forever in an invisible bond that is impossible to break.

The lucky ones get whom they love and the luckier ones get to dedicate themselves to her. The queen.

Examination of a manimal

Dec 5, 2015

Man is a social animal. We are taught this thing in school. I am a man, and thus a social animal. If a man is not social, is he an animal? This is a point to ponder on. If a man is social and still not social ; if a man doesn’t like other humans but still loves them based on their individual qualities, what would he be? Almost social animal?

There are a thousand things to be grateful about, and so many more things to be angry and sad about. Corruption is the right of high and mighty, and sin and a crime for the lower ones.
Some things are corrigible, they can be amended in right time to prevent damage, other things are way beyond any sort of repair.

A positive outlook of life is what humans and animals are designed for. But then life is designed by god to test humans (peace be upon me), and thus negativity invades the psyche. Some people have the tendency to swim against the current, and some have the not so special talent of going with the flow. A careful assortment of qualities and vices to engage oneself in different experiences and at the same time aiming to be completely reluctant to assuage the effects of it on one’s tender self.
A continuous self-examination, and pushing one’s own limits tends to corrode the self, and make one prone to disdain of others.

Sometimes in a vain attempt to kill or conquer one’s ego, one scatters it in a thousand places. Each dismembered piece of the ego becomes an artefact, and much to other people’s consternation this intricate wreck still manages to function under the unclear boundaries of normalcy.
It is here the difference between man and animal becomes clear, and the biblical fact that god made man in his own image becomes amusing.

Help

Dec 3, 2015

Natural disasters, terrorist acts and other calamities. People lose their lives and and their possessions, but the ones who survive are filled with a sense of immense gratitude, most of the times.
Why do people help each other in bad times? There may be different motivations. My personal motivation is that i wasn’t helped. People are helpful though, if they think you are a stranger, or grateful, or if they are good people.

We are generally like a bunch of crabs in a bucket. But crisis has an amazing way of binding people. Women and children crabs are the first. Good crabs are the last. And the best one are left in the bucket to rot with no one to push or pull them out of the bucket.

Why do good people help? Because it is their nature. Why do assholes help? Because they would take advantage of this favor later. Some help for social recognition. Some help for showing off. And some want to help but can’t. Humanity survives because of help. But there are some screams which get muffled in the noise of the crisis. A few have an eye for that. A crisis is a crisis. Doesn’t matter what kind of a crisis. If you save a life, you are saving a hope of saving many other lives. Rescue a fireman or a doctor in a flood and you are saving many others by that one deed.

Even a retard is intelligent for himself and would save himself if required. That means every person is capable of helping at least one person. And if by chance they are not, they need someone. Some one like you.

Unworthy snippets of randomness

Nov 1, 2015

We should live in the present, most of the smart people and wise men tell this piece of advice. I live in present, and future and even in the past at once. It may not sound as wise as a wise man’s advice but it is fun. It is like a curry with lot of spices. You may not enjoy individual flavours but you will enjoy the experience and seldom will you get bored.

People have individual choices and likings. I have my own of the same. Some people go straight, some go round and round and some prefer running on a treadmill and sweating without moving an inch. With so much variety in the world and with so many individual choices, how smart are we to expect someone else to have similar choices as us. And if by any chance we happen to get such people we thank our stars for it. Our star is sun. Thank you sun.

It is amazing that everything is beautiful in the same proportion as it is ugly. The beautiful sky, the rivers flowing towards the sea, the land with various characteristics at various places, the changing seasons; looking at all this, one almost becomes sure of existence of god.

Money is like artificial sweetener. It can give you lighting but not sunshine. It can give you air-conditioning but no cool breeze. It can get you women but not necessarily their love. Real wealth is not money. Money is just a survival tool. Real wealth is to be able to live as you wish. It is good to have individual choices. But a man is richest when he doesn’t need money. This is actually possible, although extremely difficult in today’s scenario. Economics and finance are two of the few subjects we just peed on. Now just don’t tell me that pee is liquidity.

My heart is gasping..

Oct 31, 2015
I am a kind of person who likes to spread happiness. Not that obvious by the kind of content i write, but depressed stuff is more like just giving back to my dear society.

I was a happy go lucky kid, mostly into science, comics, and gully cricket. But as i grew up i saw some terrible things happening and couldn’t take it. Growing up is a tough job, especially if you are a kid.

I have always been in love and awe of the decade i grew up in, the 90s. Sometimes i start feeling suffocated in the 2000s and just want to go back in the classic time i grew up in.

The 90s, when i was free to think anything because television and Internet were far less powerful. When movies meant feel good movies like the Karate Kid. The time when i could pee in my flower pots and no one would judge me.

What a suffocation it is that we can’t unlearn what we know. Ignorance is bliss and i haven’t felt that bliss for quite sometime now. Neither will i ever feel.

90s bollywood was crappy but still amazing; i still can remember arre re are ye kya hua and the taste of soy milk that i was drinking at the time when i first heard that song.

Growing up is not for everyone, and certainly not for me. The kid in me refuses to die, and the adult in me is a dead man walking. I miss that time and i miss not realizing that i am just a mass of cells on a planet of an insignificant star of an insignificant galaxy in an infinite universe.

Dil hoom hoom kare, ghabraaye
My heart is gasping, it shivers in fear
Ghan dham dham kare, darr jaaye
The clouds are thundering, my heart becomes afraid
Ek boond kabhi paani ki mori ankhiyon se barsaaye
A drop of water sometimes flows from my eyes
Dil hoom hoom kare, ghabraaye
My heart is gasping, it shivers in fear
Teri jhori daaroon, sab sukhe paat jo aaye
When I spread (open) your bag, all the dry leaves come
Tera chhua laage, meri sukhi daar hariyaaye
When you touch me, my dry branch (body) becomes green
Dil hoom hoom kare, ghabraaye
My heart is gasping, it shivers in fear

Oh women

5 jul 15

Women. If we look at the patterns, women represent need. Like darkness, like vacuum. When humans are considered women represent negative. But negative is such a relative term. Men have lack of wombs, so in this men represent vacuum. But in the world of physical power, where everybody is fighting to gain power, women portray the negative. Like the yin and yang. Like darkness and light. Women are physically weaker than men in majority of the cases, also carrying the womb is an added disadvantage which led men to overpower women. But the women, overpowered by men control them. The intelligent ones among them rule the world through the men. Women are the real truth. They are the darkness, the lack. Anything that lacks something is feminine. Men are the scattered presence. Women are the unending void.

In Bible a woman was the reason for the woes of Adam. Anything that lacks, tries to fulfil that lack to achieve stability. Women take men as standards and try to compensate them. Which is wrong. Women don’t lack anything if they don’t compare it with women.

Women create. Men are just instruments of creation. Women don’t need raw power to rule. They have their minions who are in a delusion of ruling the world.

Anything which achieves stability had their positive and negative in equilibrium. A man should have enough femininity to be kind. He should be tender and still hard when needed.

For a man like me it is necessary to become tender along with the hunter, protector approach. The people who choose to be alone have to have feminine qualities to take care of themselves.

A person who has achieved harmony is aggressive like a man and tender like a woman.

Now after this higher sort explanation I would like to look into my personal experiences. I would like to ask your pardon for my prejudiced view because I would be looking on my experiences from an essentially male perspective.

Women due to whatever reasons, resemble need, the major need is of protection. Which is in our society is expected from males. For males women mean pleasure, comfort or support.

My idea for a women is someone who has been shattered and built again, just like me.
My previous experiences haven’t been so fulfilling and mostly satisfying. Since every individual’s needs are different, I with my women was able to gauge their needs and fulfil them, but when you fulfil needs without being asked, it loses its importance. I kept giving pieces of my heart till I was heartless.
Now I am in harmony. Women for me are goddesses, but not all women, only the ones who are capable of being my goddesses. They are the goddesses and I am the sacrifice.

Dark warriors of light

4 jul 15
The time passes on and we keep changing from one person to another with the same essence and in normal cases, identity. So much happening around us that we can only bother about ourselves. Decisions made by us decide our future and these decisions may be voluntary or forced. One strives to be happy. Happiness is a great state of mind. It is like light in the darkness. But light has to be lighted, it has to be produced. Darkness is eternal, darkness seems to be the real truth of the universe with light scattered in it. I am not fond of darkness at all. Vacuum, emptiness, desire, want, greed are all form of darkness. I like light. There is an old Indian saying which states that a lamp has darkness under it. More strong the light the lamp gives, darker is the shadow under it. Light needs energy. And darkness is lack or want of energy. Warriors of light burn to give others light. Some take the energy from others. Some burn and exhaust themselves so that in the end only ashes remain. When one is totally exhausted of giving light to others and gets engulfed in their own darkness. When their hearts are charred after burning for others, it is then they realize that everybody is their own lamp. Darkness is tempting at this time. And one feels like turning to the dark side. But a chosen few at this time still choose light. With empty eyes and charred hearts they are the dark warriors of light.

Beyond knowledge

3 july 2015

Knowledge is sin. Because it is dangerous for people who set rules. The powerful and cunning do not want people to know, which may be true as not everybody is good enough to possess the knowledge. Knowledge is a precursor of power and power should only given to the ones who can use it wisely. Power corrupts so it should be handled with care.

I have noticed that most good people with knowledge are almost helpless. May be that is the defense of their nature which prevents them from getting corrupted.

Also, there are scoundrels who use their knowledge to maximum to their advantage and to the disadvantage of others. The count of them is increasing day by day. May be the future belongs to them.

People who gain the knowledge are prone to become cynical. Cynics do not believe anything, because when you know enough you realize that all of what we see are merely perspectives and assumption, sometimes close enough sometimes not so.

Anyone who is powerful and has someone under him forbids them to eat the apples from tree of knowledge. And thus it seems that Satan is best friend of knowledge and science is evil.

There should be a balance in darkness and light. A harmony must be achieved. Science should be able to decipher but not destroy. The cycle of creation and destruction goes on. We can only hope that there’s some power which is working for the balance. A power which is beyond good and evil.

Spilled thoughts

16 june 15

I’ve held on to long, for what is not actually fear, but can be called as fear. I don’t think love and hate are opposites, love and fear are. Hate is merely a reaction due to the incapability of coping with the loss, or due to the anticipation of it. What we hate in others is actually what we hate in ourselves. This may be an old theory but in many cases an effective one. My expositions to myself are mostly useless practically, though they are useful in understanding the problems. 

The biggest issue is when an active person becomes passive he becomes actively passive. I can reminisce about the active days and pass my time. I rebelled, against everyone one of my beliefs i considered wrong after gaining the truth. my rebellion is passive, and somehow i think that it is not because of cowardice, i think it is because the realization of worthlessness of everything. How good is it that everything that gives us pleasure has been made hard to achieve. I do not want shortcuts to pleasure, I want to achieve my pleasures and own them. 

How important is it to enjoy ourselves as much as we can? I think it is most important. When pain remains for too long you start enjoying it. So it’s pleasure and pain and fear comes as a hindrance in the very act of enjoyment of pain. Like an expert bartender you need to know the mix. Just the right amounts of pain, pleasure, fear and love, unless life wants to knock you out, will make a heady cocktail 

Spilled thoughts

14 June 15

I’m taking a sabbatical from the throes of my life. Most of the times i feel like a destitute, walking through the glittering aisles of a supermarket. My self feels like my nemesis and the answers it gave me ambiguously led to my destruction. It is not a pushover, and my desires are not a diktat. I could never guess the cause of this rebellion but since it happened i suffered it quietly.

I am not very attached to materialistic things. But somethings are like my talismans, they act as metaphorical paraphernalia to my personality. I am very susceptible to external influences, i am truculent and jilted. I spiel wisdom in a form which looks like bullshit but actually solves conundrums. I am in a melee with my own thoughts, but this mumbo-jumbo imbroglio in my head is something which makes me me.  

A spilled thought

A belief, that is what it takes to change a life. You have to take an idea and believe in it wholeheartedly. Sometimes things are frightening. Sometimes they are worrisome. But the basic deal in this situation is to fight the problems at their own level. You can’t make tea at your house from your office. You should be busy in solving your problems, in spite of what idiots are thinking of you. Because you would be judged, and you will be affected. But moving on is the most effective option, Hypocrisy is the most basic skill to be a human. You must learn the tricks, even if you do not do it. Though you may want to give it a try sometime. 

Spilled thoughts

A disordered thought process. Entangled thought. Emotions present but absent. Numb but hypersensitive. Cruel, still highly empathetic. One has to suffer the damage if it is done. When things go awry, one has to remain there to collect the broken pieces. Things break into two, and then more, and then each of the broken pieces have their individual voices. Is this process reversible? I don’t know. But it is worth a try. Breaking is not necessarily due to weakness, but because the forces opposing you were stronger than you. I have a habit of fighting with my handicaps on. Using my full potential is not my habit. But it should change. I should gather the pieces and fix them together. Giving pain to others is not my forte. I get embarrassed when some body gets embarrassed in front of me. I do not fear, except the ones who are mindless, animal like. I fear the mindless, bestial, stupid ones. But I fear them to a limit. I pray that they never cross that limit.

A lonely musing

I probably think that things should get better, but i am not sure if i feel so. You gotta feel it to get it better. In the end all that matters is your idea about yourself. You sit in your room typing away your thoughts, and loneliness is miles away from you. As Kafka had said, “as long as you have food in your mouth, you have solved all your questions for the time being.” I think he was spot on. My tummy is full and I have work to do when I wake up next morning. What more can I want? You need a meaning to live, and when circumstances snatch that meaning away from you, you get restless, anxious, worried. We are all programmed to do things. A warrior is programmed to fight. To be nervous, ready, paranoid. If not anybody else, then himself. When you get to know life, you realize that there is nothing to fight in actuality, still you have to give a meaning to your life. You choose to wage a war against something, something that is not like you. Something that is really wrong. So that you can justify that the damage done wasn’t in vain. There are animals out there, and being a human being among them is hard and dangerous. Tread carefully, or you’ll be hunted. Be ready, be nervous, be paranoid. Be the dark warrior of light. 

A musing

A time when you have to let it out. Everything. Your realities are like shattered pieces of glass, ready to pierce your skin and make you bleed. You are a better animal, and you are a god. The skill that is required to be a human is hypocrisy. You are weak when it comes to it. But everybody grows. Exist, earn your daily bread, and live the life you always wanted. A life of absolute freedom, which looks impossible but is actually possible. You can get the freedom, though the absolute won’t be that absolute, but good enough to provide peace. 

Shade is best enjoyed by someone who has suffered the wrath of the sun. Water tastes sweet to the warrior who has spent hours in a battle. You can be ‘practical’ and survive, or you can be you and become immortal as a cosmic dust particle. 

In the mean time, you would need things to keep you occupied, you will need to select them, and do those things, because time passes and you must do something. 

People don’t get food. They have no shelter in the scorching sun. They are poor, and helpless. This is because we are greedy, and they are in a delusion of helplessness. You can do nothing. Though you can do, but you have an option not to do. Selfishness never sounded this ‘not’ guilty.

If you wanna help, ‘catch them young’ and make them what is best for them and for the world. Make them free, and feeling; logical and thinking. Don’t breed animals, neither protect them; make humans, and turn them into gods.

There was a biker

I used to motorbike often earlier but it has got very infrequent now. When you get into a daily job your hobbies tend to suffer. Now I bike just to commute from my house to clinic. When I was a teenager I had a wish to own a dirt bike, but I can’t really afford it even now.

I love the experience of biking. After my diaease, my coordination has not been really good and my biking not as confident as it was, but it is pretty decent still, all thanks to muscle memory.

I have had several bikes, and I love exploring places on my bike. Personally, I have never liked big and heavy bikes, as they take away the fun of the ride for me. But i do not dislike them either. Enfields can give you a joy of a ride you’ve never had before, but they are heavy and if a person is travelling alone, like I do, it may become much of a hassle.

Since I have started working, biking is out of the window as work takes up whole of my time, and this is why I have written this post. RIP biking until you live again.

Strawberries of pain and cupcakes of realization

That unfeeling feeling of immense loss. When you lose something or someone very important and can’t even share it with anyone. The world continues moving at its pace but your life stops. Pain becomes your friend and ultimately you get so addicted to it that it becomes the drug you thrive on.

The loss sometimes gives thoughts of revenge, sometimes you get angry, you hate yourself for being helpless, and you blame god. The loss is so tremendous that it wrenches your heart of all emotion. The heart wants to make up for it. But it is impossible. You can only try to compensate but never fulfil it. A permanent vacuum in your heart, a feeling of emptiness stays with you wherever you go. You try to compensate, with each and every means possible. You had heard somewhere that love can heal pain, it can soothe, it can comfort. The suffering is so excruciating that you would want the pain to be alleviated, and thus you search for love. But love is a business; and here, double realisations. And it dawns upon you in the worst time it could possibly have. Now you have nothing. Your heart is empty and your eyes devoid of tears. Pain has turned into numbness and you have turned into an unfeeling automaton just trying to compensate for the loss in any way possible.

You said compensating for loss? World is indeed a market and everything is business. It is barter. Love for money. Sex for love. Care in return for protection. Have you become abnormal? Or have you started to see things clearly? The world acts this way. Why didn’t you see it early? It was never about god, never about religion, nor about the society. It was not about your family or country, and not at all about your job. It was not about your passion, nor about your calling, neither it was about the higher purpose of your existence. It was always just about you.

The B and C of betrayal and cheating

Betrayal is not a sweet thing. In my opinion it is ugly. I have been on the receiving side numerous times and may have been on the giving side unintentionally.

The real picture of the world is cheating and betrayal. The ones who do not cheat and betray, will be cheated and betrayed till they are dead. The sacrificing ones will be made to stand on the podium and encouraged to continue with their great work while selfish ones rip others of their skin and bones. The sacrificing ones will be betrayed into throwing away their lives for others which is actually good for them because their self-destructing instinct wants the same.

World is an intricate mesh of systems designed to make cheating look like honesty. An ideal world of honesty, truthfulness and of being able to accept one’s responsibility is only possible theoretically. The law can see things as black and white but reality is different. The law fails most of the times because the black and white many a time depends upon on what angle the light falls upon the object.
Innocence and goodness is bound to suffer in this world, and consequently would continue to produce self-sacrificing idiots whom the self-serving assholes will trample to achieve their goals.

We are being betrayed every moment. We are being cheated every moment. And we are doing the same to others because we are free to do so. Behind this facade of greatness, sacrifice, care, love, tenderness, all we are doing is serving ourselves. The best we can do here is to stop cheating ourselves.

I follow strict moral codes when it comes to others but my personal codes do not bind others to not to cheat me. I can’t let go of my codes, and whenever any mistake happens, i feel terribly guilty. The guilt trip is one of the most favourite hunting device of social predators. And these social predators with their self-serving ideals are being most true to the nature.

If you can’t go according to nature, it is your fault and you are going to suffer. And that suffering will ultimately get you on the right path. But among all this,even the most vicious ones are better than you, because they do not betray themselves.

God is alive and kickin

This is how i pay for being true, honest and kind. This is how the design is. I had well understood this as my suffering had begun. We carry our individual hell with us, at all times, and our paradise too. The satan walks with us, and the angel too, but for me, the God is dead.

We have individual rules for our hell. One hell can be different than other, by having more complex and difficult rules. Achieving some heavens can be so difficult that they may be almost impossible.
Failed to help someone even when you wanted to? You are going to burn in hell forever. In another hell it is not even an offence, even snatching food from a hungry person is not an offence there, may be it is the pre-requisite for the heavens.

When i failed to understand the world, biology became my bible. And Nature, my god. I am the son of Nature, the Natural Jesus or NJ who gets on the cross all the time for other beings. And yes, Jesus loves you.

I am just fed up of the facade of our dear society, but then it is necessary to keep people deluded because not everyone is sensible, and not every one is Jesus.

I have had my experiences with God, before i started believing in Nature like a pagan. God basically helps those who help themselves, and he helped me too, till the time i was able to help myself, then i suffered some problem and couldn’t help myself. My bad. I have nothing against God. The day i realized that God is dead, everything became God for me. And specially the nature.

God is the rising sun, the falling leave from the tree, the blooming flower, the drops of rains in the monsoon, the innocent smile of a child, the chivalry of a man, the beauty of a woman. Shiva, Parvati, Ganesha, Allah, Jesus, million other Gods of Hinduism, the pagan gods, the Greek gods, the Norse gods, the chinese, japanese, i am free to believe in all of them. I can scream and tell the deluded ones, that their god is dead, but mine is and are alive and kickin’.

A little dash of Nihilism

Knowing oneself is difficult. But we can know the basics, or the essence. We are work in progress, and we can keep building ourselves till we reach our deathbeds.

I consider myself a strong person but then Einstein had talked about relativity and a person is only as strong as the forces opposing him are weak. A tortoise can’t be harmed through its shell but has its vulnerabilities. I had my vulnerabilities and the damages were spot on, and continuous. Sometimes i wonder that a person as sensible and useful to the society as me, why he had to go through so much trouble, but then i realize the futility of this question. We as humans are so self-obsessed that we fail to see the bigger picture. But if you decide on seeing the bigger picture, it keeps getting bigger and bigger and never ends.

It is all about acceptance in the end. How much ever damage you undergo, accepting the damage and moving on would be the best approach.

I failed to accept the damage. Couldn’t do it because i did not deserve it, and it was not my fault. I am basically a stubborn person, and that tends to aggravate my problems.

When you end up knowing too much, you start sharing Lovecraft’s view of the world. But then humans are not designed to be Lovecraftians, not all of them. We are designed to be deluded to release enough serotonin, and keep ourselves happy and to be able to pass our time till we reach our deathbeds. Let us not forget to be a work in progress till then.

Nonsensical on love

What am i trying to do? Am i trying to stitch imagination and reality together? I may tell you things about love, but you won’t be able to get it unless you yourself have been in love. The whole world just disappears and the one whom you love becomes the world. It is so fascinating, this process. In a world of so many people, a person becomes so important to you that it becomes difficult to breathe without their presence. You want to hold them so tight that they get into your skin and bones. Each and every thing about that person looks and feels so special. Being a physiologist, i can give scientific reasons for all this but why to ruin things?

Man wants to find out reasons for everything. I want to find out the reasons for everything. Knowing reasons as a race helps us in our development, and as an individual gives us an edge over others.
But in case of love, even if you know the reason, it is not going to help much. To love one must be able to feel. And most of us are capable of feeling. Some of us are so good at feeling that constant disappointments render us incapable of feeling.

We all want our paradise. But in hurry to reach there we board the train to hell. There is no one out there in the world made just for you, saying this will be a cruel and wrong thing to say. There may be someone just like you out there. But what are the chances they will meet you? Till then you will have to be with people, whom you decide to love, and do your best, and most of the times fail. Constant failures in love lead to a reluctant approach. And sometimes it’s not even love. It is just two people trying to act like they do in movies.

Love i think is a luxury, which is available to all in some form but to a very chosen few in all forms. The problem is the devastation which happens after withdrawal of this luxury.

drifter talks

It is all about taking the opportunity. If you do not take it, things are going to be difficult. One is basically the choices made by him, or the choices made for him by others. The reality is a little not too sweet and that is not an issue. Circumstances and fate also play an important part in the life of an individual, and sometimes they may play much bigger part than choices.

We generally try to mold the world as we want to see it from the things we know about it. It is always incomplete, and it always will be.

I never wanted to delude myself. I stripped myself of all my defences and experienced the world, and sadly it is all so mathematical. So, i made my choices. I have my things, my interests, my passions and i pursue them. At a time i decided to let go of beliefs and acceptance of general population and walk on my own individual way but it is a very difficult thing to do. I have been doing it for very long, and this way of life is a part of me now, but surprisingly still, i am able to mingle with people easily. But i do not like people much, and it is very rare that i like someone.

Loss teaches you a lot. And the kind of loss i underwent was a cruel joke. I am very clear in my head, and i tend to follow a set of rules to prevent myself from going astray.

Right choices at right times prevent damages. Events happen in a series, in a string. Sometimes you get so tired that it becomes an effort, and this is where you need to be passionate enough to carry yourself well.

Life and friendship

Life is one hell of a complex thing. If you set out to understand life, you are doing nothing but trying to court insanity. Life is meant to be lived and to be lived without inhibitions, except the necessary ones.

Life can be simple if we can take it in a linear fashion. We live through our interactions with the surroundings.

My life is dependent on the interactions with people and places, everybody’s life is. Going to my friend’s place from my solo lifestyle. Uncontrolled, reckless for a few days, cartons of cigarettes scattered everywhere, rolling grass, and participation in my group. Songs being played on music system, trippy, soulful and popular music playing, in strange order.

Sometimes i feel like playing Pink Floyd and going to the depths of Comfortably Numb.
Beautiful memories with my friends stringed together. Memories at different places, on beaches, at hills, at farms. I always feel that the presence of people keeps lingering at those places even after they leave. I feel that presence of us, at every place stays there. We are captured in that time frame in infinity.
The burning fags, the rolled joints, chips packets, empty bottles of booze are the glues that keep the friendship together, even though tend to harm us individually. Friendship holds us like nothing else, though if we think properly, it is all just in our head.

Life is complex if not taken simply, same with friendship, though it looks a lot easier. Some say friends are the closest enemies, and still some tell to keep enemies closer. How will you believe anyone?
Anyone and anything can be a friend. Places, things, people anyone and anything. Also, life is great if you are friends with yourself.

मैं बस में बैठा खिड़की से बाहर देख रहा था। दुनिया वही रहती है, फिर भी कितनी बदल जाती है। दो विरोधाभासी सोचों के साथ जीना कठिन है, जो सच है वो सच है। इसीलिए विचारधाराएं बनी हैं। जब आपका खुद पर से विश्वास उठ जाए तो आप विचारधाराओं पर विश्वास करते हैं।

सत्य और असलियत का फर्क क्या है ये कहना मुश्किल है। जब आप दर्द में होते हैं तो सोचते हैं की किसी और को ये दर्द न देखना पड़े, पर दुनिया बड़ी होती जाती है और आप को पता चलता है कि आप कुछ नहीं कर सकते। सिर्फ इतना करने के सिवा की जो आपके पास हैं और जो आप पर निर्भर हैं आप उनका ख़याल रखें और उनको तकलीफ न होने दे। वैसे यही चीज़ करना काफी कठिन है।

गुस्सा एक नकारात्मक भावना है, पर कुछ गलत होने पर गुस्सा आना लाजिमी है। कभी कभी गुस्सा ठन्डे बस्ते में डालना पड़ता है क्योंकि उसके आड़े प्यार आ जाता है। प्यार और गुस्से में मुझे कुछ चुनना हो तो मैं हमेशा प्यार को चुनूंगा।

भावनाएं कमज़ोरी हैं, और समाज के जानवर इसी कमज़ोरी की वजह से शिकार करते  हैं। मैं भी शायद वही हूँ, कमज़ोर और भावनाओं से मजबूर, पर अपने अहम् की हत्या करने के बाद काफी चैन पड़ा। अहम् की हत्या के बाद जीवन को हर नज़रिये से देखने की कोशिश कर सकते है। नज़रिये आपके ही होते हैं, कोशिश अलग अलग तरीके से देखने की होती है।

हर दर्द के अपने इलाज होते हैं, फरक बस इतना होता है की वो आपकी पहुँच में हैं या नहीं। कभी कभी कुछ मर्ज़ लाइलाज होते हैं। प्रकृति में दया नहीं है, और प्रकृति में कमज़ोर को जीने का हक़ नहीं है। पर मनुष्य की प्रकृति ही प्रकृति का विरोध करना है। मैं दया से मज़बूर हूँ, और मुझे इस बात की ख़ुशी है, क्योंकि अगर मैं मजबूर नहीं रहता तो गुस्सा प्यार पर हावी हो जाता। जैसे किसी व्यक्ति ने एक बार कहा था कि इंसान को बलशाली होना चाहिए, पर अपनी कोमलता खोये बिना।

The old music teacher of my school was a man expert in Hawaiian guitar. The way he used to play the guitar was incredible. Me and my bengali friend used to go to him in recess where the bengali used to play drums and i used to play the Spanish.

He was a good man, the music teacher, his speech was with a lisp but when he sang nothing of that sort was noticed. When the management of our school arrived to the school from london we were the ones selected for singing a bhajan. A bhajan called 'prabhuji tum chandan hum paani'. While we were standing there singing the bhajan our music teacher looked at as nodding his head giving us silent instructions 'jaaki ang ang baas samaani' he silently sang with us. The school got over. He kept on tecahing, speaking with a lisp and playing his favorite instruments the Hawaiian and the mandolin. I look back and still see the man engrossed madly in his mandolin playing 'tujhe dekha toh ye jaana sanam'.

सरकार और समाज

रोग और लोग। सरकार और समाज। आज़ादी के इतने सालों के बाद भी अभी बहुत कुछ बदलना है। मेरी समझ में भारत का संविधान शानदार है। मैं हमेशा स्वयं को एक देशभक्त मानता हूँ, क्योंकि हर वो चीज़ जो आपको जीवित रखती है उसके प्रति आपका कर्त्तव्य होता है।

भारत अपने हिसाब से प्रगति कर रहा है, तेज़ या धीमे जैसे भी। कुछ चीज़ें हम बदल नहीं सकते, और कई चीज़ें बदलना संभव है। मैं हमेशा एक ऐसे विश्व की कल्पना करता हूँ जहाँ कोई सीमाएं न हो, परंतु ये एक मुश्किल बात है। जब तक स्वयं को दूसरों से बेहतर समझने वाले लोग रहेंगे तब तक ये मुश्किल रहेगा। लोग बेहतर होते हैं पर उनके कारण होते हैं। इसीलिए मैं सोचता हूँ की जीवन में इतना बुद्धिजीवी बनने का कोई अर्थ नहीं।

क्या हम सच में दूसरों के बारे में सोचते हैं? शायद, जब हमारी अपनी ज़िन्दगी हमारी नज़र में ख़राब हो जाती है, या फिर तब जब हम महान बनना चाहते हैं। सब अपने अपने अनुभवों को शब्दों में ढालते हैं, और सीख देते हैं, अपनी विचारधारा बनाते हैं और दूसरों को उसपर चलने को मजबूर करते हैं।

विश्व का सत्य, धरती जा सत्य नहीं है, और यही सत्य मैं जानना चाहता था। हम सोच सकते हैं की कोई शक्ति हमारा खयाल कर रही है और साथ ही ये भी ख़याल कर रही है कि हम ज़रूरत से ज़्यादा न जाने। ऐसा हो भी सकता है और नहीं भी। भय शांति लाता है, पर अंतर की नहीं। अंतर की शांति आती है संतुष्टि से। मैं विश्व का नहीं, पर मैं सांसारिक हूँ, मैं धरती से नाता रखता हूँ। मैं उचित को जानता हूँ और अनुचित को पहचानता हूँ।

जीवन बहुत छोटा है, और कुछ करना या न करना मन पर निर्भर है। लोग अपने नासमझी में जीते रहेंगे, और समझ वाले लोगो को उनका ख़याल रखना पड़ेगा। क्यों? क्योंकि उनके पास करने के लिए कुछ बेहतर नहीं है।

यथार्थ

यथार्थ का महत्त्व
कहानियों में घुला
अनंत से शुरू
अनंत में चला
सत्य की परख
मिथ्या का तत्व
धैर्य की महत्ता
सामन्जस्य की अशांति
प्रेम की सत्ता
घृणा की भ्रान्ति
यथार्थ का अंत
मिथ्या का सन्दर्भ
अनंत का जन्म
शून्य का गर्भ

GSome things are difficult to articulate. You keep alternating between the back and the front bench and know the best and worst of the both worlds. Some times you think you are delusional enough to believe in yourself but life teaches you that whatever you are, you are the only person whom you can trust.

You sit besides the window and see the rain pouring down hitting the dusty ground. The wind sprinkles water over your face, and you are all make believe.

You drive on the highway, and see the the white divider lines passing by endlessly. The flyovers bypassing the mundane life of people and making you believe that you can bypass the mundane and go to a special territory where you have the power to choose.

The power to choose and the power to believe are almost superpowers. When combined they become something difficult to beat.

Driving on the sleet covered mountain roads where the tyres are slip to let you know that your car actually has ABS. You see the deodars and know that things aren't that bad still. You smell the pines and the misty forest air and realize that somethings can still make you fall in love.

It is all here and now. While the head concots stories which you feel too lazy to write, you look into your heart and see the truth you were searching for all your life.

You miss the coarse palms of the old women, who though gruff, are masters at dispensing motherly love.

The cooler with the smell of khaskhas in the summers of june , while one sips rasna and watches cartoon network lays a foundation for your upcoming fight with the world.

Dexter is never going to win from Deedee and Courage will always remain the cowardly dog inspite of his courage in every episode.

While countries destroy each other, and children starve to death, you keep yourself busy with downloading the latest movies. Because you believe that it makea the world better, at least yours.

You discard your dream of playing indian classical on the guitar because if a guitar playing rag malhar could bring rains, Jimi Hendrix born in Vidarbha would have been a life saver.

The stale pakoras at that small station are famous, and you wonder why, but still get down everytime to get them because you believe that they are good, and that out of no reason.

Time is passing everyday and world keeps getting unreal. Sometimes you feel that you do not want to know more about anything. A quiet corner with a lantern, a few books, and people to love would be enough.

But here, enough is never enough, and this is why your dreams would be snatched by others. The pieces of the jigsaw your dreams are will be stolen, to complete somone else's dreams. Keep dreaming still, and as always keep it real.

4th wave

I am a staunch supporter of women equality, some people equate women equality with feminism which i find kind of funny. Women and men are different, physically, mentally and their roles in the society are different. Women had to bear children so they lagged behind men and the men evolved to gain control and establish a patriarchial society. Now women have equal rights and men are sorta losing their extra powers they had over women. No body likes losses but then it is all about equality and it has to happen.

I have always thought that women have always contolled the world and they have had this real twisted method to rule the world, that is through men.

Everything in the world has been made either for women, or due to women, directly or indirectly.
Now when men and women are equal and some are still cry babies demanding equal rights, you the women should realize that it is you who bring the fellows with penises hanging between their legs into this world. There is no point in being crybabies if you instead of getting radical because you couldn’t get enough attention in college and that beautiful dumb chic got, or due to your excessively cocky nature because you need to control things and the way you find is of manipulating good women who are content with their jobs and family into vicious bitches who fight for a cause that doesn’t exist, instead you could have paid attention to that little fella that grew up to become a mega asshole. Do protest, but do not militate against men. Assholes are not just masculine entities. And you won’t be able to change them, because once an asshole is asshole forever. You can work to send them behind the bars if you will, and you can go to Afghanistan and Iraq to help the real oppressed if you got real guts. Armchair bullshit does much in fucking with people’s head, i can’t even say it doesn’t do anything.
The way feminists want to evolve women, the women will turn into men. That’s how evolution works. You need testosterone to face the world as a man does. You won’t remain a woman. And men to compensate will then become feminine. Ultimately binary fission or hermaphrodite reproduction will remain as the method of choice for reproduction.

I dream of a world where ladies are treated as ladies. Where they are soft and strong as they actually are. Where they are motherly and caring and made of iron as they actually are, where they don’t have to get PCOD or turn into a man to survive. A place where they rule the world, and where there is no opression from either side. Where all the militant feminists gets enough love, attention and dicks to shut their mouths and fill the holes (in their hearts).

Mad Ramblings

Mar 112 min read

I wonder how it should go. There is so much reality that being delusional is not much of a thing. I look at her daily and it pisses me off sometimes. She is just too out of way. I do not like such people, who are too good at theirand too cocky and extremely selfish at the same time, but isn’t it all the ingredients for success? I was like that once except the extreme selfishness and cocky part. She is right most of the times, and i can’t let her see my perspectives so that’s a no go. Remedy needs to be on my part, why am i being troubled is due to the opportunistic and rude behaviour which gets on my nerves but then it is an epidemic now a days or as i suspect since always.
There is a remedy to this and that remedy is the single remedy to all the situations. Implementation is important and as much as it is important, it is to be done correctly. Finding out the reason is important because if it is important enough to trouble me, steps need to be taken.
‘Do not’ is the thing here. At any cost.
My days are just passing and there is a lot of work to do. I need to finish my work and presentation because college is getting tough these days. And then i have exams too. Jaundice fucked my semester along with other things which includes my own disinterest which stemmed out of conditions. So basically its a topic per day and it will be done with. I hope. The thought and the reason should fuel this. This is cool.
Mar 12

There is no substitute to hardwork and their is no substitute to pushing the wall. To be really clear about the principles, information and values is not that difficult. Afterall being a master means that. So here when the fear tends to creep in the heart, one is reminded of environmental studies. It is funny how judgemental people are, and survival of the fittest seems to be the motto of all those who are either fit or wicked. I avoid playing with people especially lower class fucks but then i love it how they put all their energy into peaking in other peoples soul. Thanks to my x ray vision that i do not have to peek a boo much and it is all like a naked dance which people do in front of me.
Subjects give a fine dopamine release, but it should give serotonin too.
Cells, respiratory, circulatory, and so many more system arranged so neatly and connected with fibers and chemicals to perform one function that is survival. It does sound like magic.
The problem is on whole different scale and there is no need for solution. The desire forces you to seek the solution and you know that you won’t be able to know it ever but seeker needs to seek. Need is the word here.
Mar 132 min read

The worst thing about not knowing is that you can not know what you do not know, not at the time you do not know it. Things can be better or worse but when barriers are lifted, it feels like a release anyway. The road looks clear, and the horizon looks as if we can reach there.
The level at which things are, i can only imagine. Skills do not have end, they may have limitations but they are endless. The amount of botherance that is taken, is unbelievable. For the controllers, control is keeping the others ignorant, and if you can’t do that make them afraid or confuse them. We may believe in one god or a bunch of controllers. The nature of controllers and the skills are divided for every department. This is how it is in hindu and greek philosophy. Gods divided according to philosophies.
In the system, anarchists are always demons. Gods in hindu mythos live in utopian settings, where it is all fun and pleasure. Demons do not live in hell. Hell is a factory for demons. It is where they are produced, not the original ones, the factory made ones. Original demons have godly qualities. Factory made ones are disfigured and ugly.
A strange thing would be to be demigod with a demonic curse. The one from the mythos who suffers due to fate. Paradise and heaven are not the same thing.
Anarchy is a truth, just as how control is. It should be known. But you can not practice controlled anarchy, can you? And i really doubt if there is anything like respobsible anarchy. Anarchy is just chaos, and i think this is what it is meant to be. The fun thing is that it is difficult to deny the order in the chaos.
Mar 132 min read

This gets on this level. The thought travels through nerve imulses and chemical messangers to bring about changes. Belief works like that. Things work like this. The potential unleashes like this. It will feel different at first. I am not this but this has already happened and from here who will take the reigns is the thing that matters. Let everything and everyone do the part of work that they a required to do. Getting down on this level and when faced with the thought and the setting, the thing to know is to decide and to do it and to have a choice is an option. And when the reality is not working, while going back it is necessary to face the setting in a better way since the other original setting is causing a closure the best option is another extremely and if possible best suitable setting should be used to dwelve deeper and to steer according to wish. It is true that originality will lack but it will be complete in its own way.

The hatred for disordered means an extreme fondness of order. Is order stability? Or stability a form of order? It gets difficult to know.
Something being too heavy that it crushes. It crushes so bad that the effect goes down a few levels down.
The option here is either taking away the force for rebuilding or creating an alternate universe where the force loses its power or the effect. Other thing which also could be done is rebuilding while fighting the force and pushing it further while gaining so much strength that it can’t crush or even break anymore.
Mar 162 min read

So i take up this heavy work and hope to continue it. I think i should not only hope but also do it for sure. It matters a lot to me and when i REALLY take up a job i tend to finish it.
The past year has been a hiatus, an incubus upon me. I have had made my presumptions and am unsure if my assumptions are right.
I can work according to my plan or completely change it accordingly. It has been extremely risk and i am totally aware of the lack of smartness it contains with in itself.
Planning was never my thing as far as my personal life was concerned. I plan my assignments, my work, my cases but i do not plan my life. I tend to throw myself in, which ofcourse like all things has a reason.

It has been a long long time and the awareness refuses to settle down. I have actually reached somewhere in this thing and i think it will do pretty good.
I have a little priorities of my own. Whenever i go home i am reminded of what should i be actually doing instead of doing all the other things. But i have done those ‘actually’ things so much that it has bored the shit out of me.
The level of escapism that i wish to find out is extremely difficult. After so much of a struggle a little escape from a bored pathetic life is not bad.
Escape to the lala land. As i had decided earlier. Lala land is fun and frolic, actually.
Mar 21

I want to pursue somethings, but deep down i know that it is all about pleasure and pain. A culture which is so suppressive, so oppressive but still a good system. I have worked, fought, have been misunderstood, have mistaken myself and still persisted. What to do with all this pain?
One answer you should take me for sure, whatever good doing, greatness, efforts for others people do, it is all very selfish.
I am so good that i was almost destroyed. This is what people do to goodness, they trample it. One can only escape, either by fighting, running or crushing the competition. Now when the competition is more what people do is whine. Seeing thing as they really are is a difficult thing. One got to be very practical and pragmatic about it.
Mar 27

If i have this belief now and all of tbis that has happened to me is actually reality then how shall i take it. This is a great time to be alive and i have done much effort now to prove myself right.
It was when i still used to feel the same pain and the reason behind it was seething slowly continuously. It is a harm which is only a harm because of a belief and a desire. This has come to this level now and it gets even better. Pain tends to be fotgotten but my best moments are all pain. They are painted in pain, twisted in a strange manner which i would really find awkward. I must have thought of it as shameful sometime but shame has a very short halflife with a reptilian brain functioning in the background.
Banks, paperwork, stamps and such things and here the real problem comes to picture.
This is solvable and first requirement is limiting it. Self-limiting things and diseases have way to much in common. Now what is responsible should be responsible and thus when we think of the background and ideas arising with it, we can have much fun with it.
It was all about doing it and then having fun. Before that it was all conditional and this is how you do it. This has one option and this is the option.
Well fuck this shit. Crazy men should walk on the face if earth with their balls hanging beyond the rainbow. I am good enough to know that he is being good. It was all deep and dead. Nobody knows how something like yellow soil gets around.

Naked bodies lying around. Nakedness and such things. Nakedness is a process of unhiding. Only when one is strong or has nothing to lose or is extremely brave.
Be naked. Get naked. Show off the organs you hide but the ones that detoxify you and give you a new life. People are fucked up. Just as the way they are. People are really fucked up.

Vaginas and penises walking around in the world. Copulating for various reasons. Sometimes just for fun. Many a times just for fun.

Hot chics with nice ass as they call em. Women are meant to smell good to men. Many of them.

It happens like this and one can get fucked beyond repair.
Now it is like humans can have emotions and fight the wrongs and can see how strange it all is. What does it matter? People do matter. Only reason one can fight beyond any reason and reasonable doubt. In the light of the day beyond a reasonable doubt i should right one page a day to return to the light saber we have.

संसार और प्रकृति

एक बेहद एकाकी अंतर्मन में कहीं कुछ उथल पुथल है। ये गुफाओं की तरह है, ये मन। गहरी स्याह गुफाएं। एक अकेला योद्धा अपने पथ पर बढ़ता हुआ। मैं क्या कर सकता हूँ ये सोचने वाली बात है। संस्कृतियों का मेल हो रहा है और अब सब कुछ आपस में मिल रहा है। मैं क्या हूँ मैं ये जानता हूँ पर स्वयं को पाना और बनाना ऐसी चीज़ें हैं जिनका कभी अंत नहीं होता। मैं डरा नहीं और मैं चलता रहा। मैंने स्वयं को ऐसी चीज़ों का परिचय दिया जिनको सहन कर पाना मेरे लिए कठिन था। मैं रुका नहीं और न ही मैं डरा। जो सत्य है वो है, और हमेशा रहेगा। मैं क्या हूँ ये न तो मुझे दूसरे बताएँगे और न मैं सुनूँगा।

आगे बढ़ने के लिए लोग कई चीज़ें करते हैं। मैं भी कई चीज़ें कर रहा हूँ। पर बृह्माण्ड और संसार का सच जानते हुए भी सत्य के लिए लड़ना ही मकसद है। प्रकृति कमज़ोरों के लिए नहीं है और संसार का सच प्रकृति का सच नहीं है। प्रकृति का सच जानते हुए भी संसार के सच का साथ देना ही मेरा कर्त्तव्य है।

साँसे आगे चलती रहेंगी और मैं एक दिन मिट्टी में मिल जाऊँगा। उस दिन तक सत्य और शांति के लिए लड़ना ही मेरा लक्ष्य है। सत्य कड़वा होता है, पर उसे मीठा बनाना मेरा काम है। प्रकृति का सच न सही तो संसार का ही सही।