The Luxury of Grief

Grief is a very personal thing. I have seen grief up close, and so have many others. Not many have the time to allow themselves to grieve, they have to continue with their lives. My grief led me to feel that I was seperated from the world. That I was alone in it. That I had no future in front of me. Imagine a scenario at a party where your acquaintances are gathered and you feel seperated from all of them, despite them being your mates technically. I have grieved losing my world, my future. I have grieved trying to get away with my loved ones just because my anxiety won't let me have a future and I thought distancing with my loved ones was the only way to have a future. I later realised that I would never do that, I would never trade my loved ones for a better future, but that I thought about it caused me a lot of grief. Now, imagine, there are villages in this country in which men solicit the women in their homes for prostitution. It is their generational way of living. The women in the house sell their bodies to feed the men in the family and there are so many villages like these in this country. I can't even think about the kind of grief it must bring to those women and men, and I suppose they take solace in the fact that it is their traditional and generational way of making a living, or probably they don't grieve at all, probably they process grief totally different than we think about it. Queen Elizabeth II had said

Grief is the price we pay for love.

Normally we connect grief with death. It is true, but it is not only when someone we love dies, but also when something intangible dies. Like in my case the death of the future I had imagined. I grieved, I tried to resuscitate my dying future and I grieved its imminent and ultimately death. I loved the future I had in my mind for myself. Though after a long time I realised that it doesn't really exist in the first place and it was a delusion in my mind, but I suffered what I suffered. Freud had said

Love and work... work and love, that's all there is.

I love a lot, I work a lot. I do not like wasting my time and I have learnt to love the right people with time. I used to think that living is grieving but it is not, it is the principle for the majority, but the majority is smart and recovers from the grief because most of them can't afford to grieve. Survival overcomes grief, though the grief stays in the corners of heart, when survival comes to the fore, grief takes the backseat. Grieving is the luxury of the ones who have not the problem of survival. There is a lot of grief in the world, and despite what people say, I do not think that empathy is a good thing, because those who cause suffering to others in this world would never empathise and those who are capable of empathy and choose to empathise would suffer more. People who love, invariably go through more grief than the ones who do not, and for people who love it is hard to believe that there are people in this world without an iota of love within them. Vincent Van Gogh had said

I feel that there is nothing more truly artistic than to love people.

And look how tortured he was. I have come to terms with my grief because as matured I realised that there is an indescribable amount of grief in this world and most of it, if not all of it is designed. I can't waste my time grieving on fake shit. In fact, I find myself lucky that I have the luxury to grieve about things, which the majority of people in this nation and the world do not have. 

A Slice of Life of 21st Century

What is the true image of world at present. Woke people arguing that people people with XY chromosomes are females because they identify as them and vice-versa, and people doing antics on the internet till they become famous enough to sell things. The former unfortunately and scientifically is a mental disorder hidden beneath rubble of inability to face one's demons and political correctness and the second is survival and now a valid profession which makes you thrive as soon as you start getting those brand endorsements. You have to be politically correct to survive, in this world, so you have to accept that an individual with XY chromosomes is a woman just because they identify with it, to me it's just decency, to not to hurt someones feelings but then it all now has taken a radical turn. I thank my small town upbringing where, still, there are just three genders, male, females and eunuchs. Eunuch is not a correct term for intersex people but then that's what they identify as in small towns of this country. They have their livelihood but their lives are hell, and yet you see them accepting their identity. And here, in the civilised world the men are feeling like women and women feeling like men. These unfortunate young (or old) men and women can't be blamed, because those who know the truth about why is it happening, know that it is not their fault. Internet has evolved, since the days of Yahoo Messenger it has grown and it has been commercialised and weaponised both. Earlier it was a source of information, it is still, but now a big chunk of information on the internet is useless. That the internet has been commercialised and weaponised tells a lot about the real social and political nature of the world. Isaac Asimov had said

The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom. 

It is both true and false. True because it is still happening and false because humanity never learns, and whatever new comforts, technology or ideas come forth, they mutate like a virus to create new problems. However one can take respite in the fact that all of this mutation is in fact created, assisted, promulgated and reserved for the lower rungs of the society. Nature always keeps peeking from behind the society and the food chain is always working. When you are aware of what is happening in the 21st century, you would think that the slavery of 19th century and before that was better. But it is better to not be aware of what is happening. H.P. Lovecraft had said 

Life is a hideous thing, and from the background behind what we know of it peer daemoniacal hints of truth which make it sometimes a thousandfold more hideous.

I find Lovecraft a bit extreme, but knowing and having read his writings I know that he was a rational man. Truth affects everyone in a different manner and to a man as sensitive as Lovecraft it affected like this. Our collective truth is that we are searching for our heavens, which is pleasure for the beastly, happiness for the humane and God for the ones who have realised that there is no point in running after pleasures and happiness. God has two modes, blissful and political. The smart ones seek the bliss and the majority seeks survival, which is due to the political nature of God. Emmanuel Swedenborg had said

Love consists in desiring to give what is our own to another and feeling his delight as our own.

Lucky people get to experience love in their life, while the majority experiences love in some form or the other, not everyone is lucky enough to experience love. The problem with love is that although it can cause immense bliss, it is the cause of immense pain too. And it is here that 21st century had overdid itself, by weaponising and commercialising love too, at a scale that is just discombobulating. Parenting is not just love anymore, it is something that has to be learnt from books. Earlier generations turned out to be pretty fine with just love, but then the world was not like this back then. We have knowledge of the world at our fingertips and yet we are unable to choose the chromosomes assigned to us by nature, if only for the sake of commitment to our own physiology. 

A Writer's Wakeup Call

What is it to be a writer? I wanted to be a writer in my teens, and now I write. When we are young we have dreams, and when we mature we realise that they were exactly what they were, dreams. The truth of the world is such that even the ones who have made it have to suspend their belief to enjoy what the world has to offer, if they are not delusional or monsters. Anton Chekhov had said

There is nothing new in art except talent.

And I realised that a bit late. I realised that everything has been already said before. What matters is how you say it. I like literature of late 1800s and early 1900s because I have a belief that writers of that era were honest. My writing goals went through a lot of phases, at first I wanted to write noir, then a fantasy, then a crime fiction and then magical realism. I realised that despite the nature being magical, only magic in the world is politics. Politics uses magic to propagate itself and then culls it so that the common man doesn't experience it. Only magic the common folk experience is love and sometimes religious experience, that too if they are lucky, otherwise their whole life is spent in trying to earn bread, clothing and shelter for their loved ones. What is the truth if not bread, clothing and shelter? Nothing is free in the world except air. If I write noir now, how would it be? How would noir suit a place where people do not know to flush toilets in trains? You mature when you realise that all of it is intentional. And after knowing that writing crime fiction would be demonic. Conan Doyle had said

There is nothing more deceptive than an obvious fact.

And I have lived long enough to know how facts are created. I do not believe in facts anymore; I believe in intent but I have realised that in the world of today even the intent of the individual can be diluted or in fact can be replaced by an artificial one, and the way it happens is like magic, but it is actually technology and in the end it is politics. It was strange to see that this kind of politics had no goals except exploitation, depravity and sadism. The control is not for order and justice but for slavery and exploitation. It is hard to digest after we study such high and mighty philosophies in schools and colleges, but then when truth expresses itself, such as in healthcare setup, that healthcare is just like a one up system in videogames. If you have money, you get a one up, otherwise you have to vacate the seat on the planet. The problem is not that. It is still a very benign system when compared to what I have experienced. And I'm not as skilled as a writer yet to be able to explain what I have experienced in words. What I would say, though, is whatever controls this nation and the world, is nothing short of demonic. William Gibson quite sometime back had said that

The future has already arrived. It's just not evenly distributed yet.

The truth is people do not need the future because anyway the comforts of future are just used as a dangling carrot. People just need love and peace besides bread, clothing and shelter and they do not even get that because individuals in the future are demonic sadists. The truth is I can't write what I wanted to write anymore. There is no romance, no sci-fi, no fantasy, no noir, no crime fiction and no magical realism. All that is there is here and now. Art now is just skill because hearts of people have been subdued. We are living under a providence that farms us. All that remains is creating good memories, and that too is only for the fortunate, chosen ones. The rest of us have their destinies already pre-written. The magic of nature, the flowers, the fruits, the green grass, the waterfalls have all become something that are only enjoyed when we shut off the truth, or are delusional. 

Cupcakes and Nietzsche

You buy a book of philosophy of Nietzsche and Freud and Iliad by Homer. It was a decision back then to read classics. How can one be so disconnected with the nation I would think now, and I realise that I was not disconnected with the nation, I just didn't know that the nation was a penal colony. You read The Varieties of Religious Experience by William James and had a religious experience yourself. Here is a quote by James.

Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.

A decade later after buying Freud, Nietzsche and Homer, you know what William James had said is true. You just couldn't believe it that shit could get real with you, but actually it had got real a really long back. A decade later you know that it was not misfortune, but slavery and torture and you know the reasons for it. The reason is that there is no reason required, but reasons are produced to make the torture look reasonable. Still, there was no need for this level of torture for a person who just wanted to help people and earn an honest living, but then you look at the majority, suffering tremendously and daily. How could you not suffer when everyone around you is suffering? Philosophy and theology turned out to be smokescreens. What turned out to be true is neurology, exploitation, depravity and torture. Here is a quote by Freud

Being entirely honest with oneself is a good exercise.

Now this quote tells a lot, but it doesn't tell in which language does one have to be honest with themselves. In this country (India) social classes have are stratified according to class and linguistics. Each social class has its own linguistics. So, if you were sodomised in childhood, in the upper strata it would be poor you who got sodomised, but in the lower strata you would just be someone who got his ass fucked, and the design of stratas is such that the ones who get raped in the lower strata are thought to be deserving of getting raped. How is it possible? It is possible when criminals rule the society. So, in short, in India, criminals rule the society at a neurological level. Though after the spread of the internet it looks like they rule everywhere. Here is a quote by Nietzsche.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.

In this day and age, I can talk about this country, hope has been weaponised. People have no privacy and personal agency and hope is used as a dangling carrot by whoever is in power in this country to lead them to either hell or their extinction. People will continue to hope because movies and motivational books have glorified it, but then it is only of use when you have been selected to taste the fruits of this planet, for beasts of burden, which is the majority, it is just a dangling carrot that pushes them further in time and prolongs their suffering and they can't even end their suffering because of the people they love. 

Comics in Post-Truth India

I have always loved comics and graphic novels. I think one of the best thing a child can do in his or her childhood is sit and read comics in a cozy corner of the house. I was lucky enough to do that. And as I grew up I realised that not everyone has that luck. Many children, especially in India, have to grow up too fast, since child labour is still prevalent. But those who have read comics in their childhood know how it has enriched their lives. But now little children have Instagram accounts. I hope their parents have the sense to buy them comics too beacuse popular culture of this country has deteriorated to such an extent that at present, at least, it seems beyond redemption. How difficult it is to have a bunch of friends and talk about comics and pop culture with them in this country? It's been more than a decade and I have not been able to do so. So maybe it is a fault in me despite trying hard, or maybe it's the fault in the places I've lived at or it can also be that the problem is with the country. I have seen the design and internal curfew in this country, so I know the truth actually, but still I hope that there are people who are free to talk about pop culture in this country and that the design of totalitarianism is employed specifically on me, but then there is also the social media which shows nothing but frustration of people with culture as well as pop culture. What was wrong with a bunch of nerds sitting and talking about comics? There was nothing wrong, just that it's not the design. The design is crabs in a bucket. It keeps people at the top, safe. What if these kids read the comics of Alan Moore and become enlightened and realise that they are being extorted, manipulated and exploited every second of their living life? I have had the absolute pleasure of reading comic books in a room cooled by a desert cooler in a hot summer. I have had the pleasure of collecting comic books and reading them while eating my food even though reading while eating was discouraged at home. These were the simple pleasures of life. It is much later in life I realised that people have not-so-simple-pleasures in life too, and they consume people who believe in the simple pleasures.

There is a bit of resurgence in the Indian comic industry post Corona, but it would be curious to know how long it would last. Reading and collecting comics is an expensive hobby and not everyone can afford it now when the comics which could be bought in 8 rupees in the 90s have costs ranging from 80 to 600 rupees. So, dream of poor children being able to read comics in a cozy corner of their home is a dream that has become even more distant. I know why is it happening though. It's happening because earlier just study was study and now we live in the times of any knowledge is knowledge. So the poor kids watch low grade propaganda on the internet. Every strata has their kind of propaganda now and thus their own kind of delusion. Comics has just become something that the well-to-do manchildren of this country pursue because it reminds them of the beauty of the 90s. Unfortunately or fortunately, I'm one of them.

 

A Paradise Lost in Politics

There are numerous philosophies so as to how the world came into being.  Religions have their own stories and science has its own Big Bang, at least as of now. If we think about it, we can't deny that it's magical. Stars in the sky, plants, animals in the wild and how they survive, it's all like magic. Humanity has a magic of its own until you realise the slavery you live under. The world is a beautiful place until you realise the politics of it and the technology that is used to enforce that politics. Carl Sagan had said

    It is far better to grasp the universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.

So when one comes to know about the slavery one has to come to terms with it. It was hard for me to come to terms with the slavery. I just didn't want to let go of all the beauty my childhood had. It is hard actually to accept the world it really is. And truth is, one should only accept slavery when he or she can do absolutely nothing about it. Unfortunately, with the technology, that time has arrived. Some will ask, isn't it better to die than live like a slave in this world? It is actually. It is better to die. But then there is love. Love makes you stay in hell. It is the loved ones who make you live on your slavery. Love is a tool for exploitation and the most potent one. Aleister Crowley had said

    The pious pretense that evil does not exist only makes it vague, enormous and menacing.

It is actually hard for good people to believe in evil, but the truth is they live with evil all their lives, in fact their whole lives are designed by evil. How funny is it that Aleister Crowley earned the title of the wickedest man in the world, while behind the curtains each living breath of ours is being controlled by the wicked. I do not have an opinion on Crowley, for I have understood by now that people can be what they seem or can't be what they seem. And when Crowley talks about being the Chief of Staff of the devil, I believe him, because he was a man who knew what he was talking. Unfortunately, the devil did not accept him and branded him as the wickedest man alive, forever. It was hard for me to accept evil despite seeing it throughout my life, but then I had a decade worth of experience with it and realised that people like Aleister Crowley were kids in front of what actually controls this nation and the world. Philip K. Dick had said

    The basic tool for the manipulation of reality is the manipulation of words. If you can control the meaning of words, you can control the people who must use the words.

And this is what is happening in the world of today where there are gadgets and computer programs that can do your work for you, but no peace and belonging. I had a first hand experience with manipulation of words, and it was done with me not because I was in the wrong but simply because it could be done. Like Abraham Maslow had said

    If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.

This quote has could be interpreted in a twofold way. One that if we know only one solution we tend to apply on all of our problems and two, that if we have power over something we tend to behave that there is only one way to deal with things. It's odd how these simple explanations fit on complex things. Power makes people mad, but in this country people express that madness by murdering and raping people from the inside, and I think it could be true of other countries as well. In the end, from what I have witnessed in the past decade, every religious philosophy has been falsified in context of this nation, and what actually remains is beastly pleasure derived on the expense of lives and unexplainable pain to others, and it is done in a manner so covert and at such a level that it cannot be even explained to anyone. 

Videogames and Sacred Games

 Videogames have an effect on the minds of kids. They are a great escape from the drudgery of life. When I was in my teens I used to play videogames, I still do sometimes. One of my most favourite games in my teens was Max Payne. It introduced me to the genre of noir, which is my favourite genre till date. In this game you play a detective whose wife and daughter are killed and he, then, sets out on revenge. In short it was a great game. I envy the kids and adults who still can be in the world of videogames. I can't and by God it's awful. That time was great, before Max Payne I played plethora of other game, the names it's hard to remember but I can list some of my favourites like Half-life, Tribes 2 and Motocross Madness. It's irony of nature that a quote from Half-life

    A right man in the wrong place can make all the difference in the world

turned out to be true for me and here I am (not really), making all the difference in the world. The time was great back then and one could escape into the world of internet. Now, there is no escape. You can't roleplay a Harry Potter character in a Harry Potter chatroom like you used to do back then in the Yahoo Messenger days without looking like an idiot. The respite for introverts has been snatched already. Yahoo Messenger people have been subdued by 4channers. And now the internet recommends you things based on your thoughts. Is it really the phone microphone? Or the apps really showing you exactly what you were thinking about. It all can't be a coincidence, not everytime. I think the world had already changed when Half-life 2 showed City 17. It just reached India a bit late, like every other thing. Now, people's lives are a videogame. You have had personal experiences of City 17, and from what you have seen, the whole world for a person can turn into City 17 in a fraction of a second. In a world like this, you have to pay money to feel better. Depression is a constant state of mind for good people. Only for good people, because assholes make up for lack of happiness by deriving schadenfreude from misfortunes of others. There is a quote in the game Max Payne by Max Payne

    One thing you can count on: You push a man too far, and sooner or later he'll start pushing back

Well, this is exactly what happened with me. I mean how much oppression and torture a person can take? Well, a lot. If I see myself. But then a little pushback is necessary even in a foolproof demoniacal totalitarian setting of torture and depravity like this.

A Strange Time In The World

World is a strange place. You start reading public domain classics which you had already read in some form or other and your world starts changing. This is what happens when you live in India, a democracy on the outlook. But then you realise that the setup is global, and you stumble across The Memory Police written by Yoko Ogawa. George Orwell and Aldous Huxley had already written enough, but you couldn't expect this kind of Big Brother setup in India where people do not even have the basic necessities to survive. Orwell had said

    If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face—for ever.

The difference between India and other countries is that though people in other countries also have boots stamping on their faces, they at least know how to flush a toilet. The more you know about this country, the more it disappoints you. But then in the outlook things are so ethically perfect that no one can question it, and just suffer on the inside. Orwell had the right idea even back then, during the World War 2 era. Is it safe to assume that technology of mind control was present even back then? How did Huxley get the idea of Brave New World? He had said

    Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means for going backwards.

We know that in 21st century nothing can be more true than this. In 21st century everyone is a slave, and the narrative is controlled and contributed to by paid propagandists and idealistic idiots. Idealistic idiots however are just cannon fodder and who would be done away with when time comes. Who would have thought that movies are not made for providing entertainment? I hadn't. Still, they provide entertainment and people watch them for entertainment. To an enlightened mind, movies are useless. Movies play a multifold role, they entertain the cattle class, they gaslight the enlightened and they delude the young, not to mention that they earn money for people who make them. India is becoming progressively worse and the internet is contributing to it. People's online activity is recorded and would be used as a ledger of things to blackmail them or their progeny with. There is not much hope, but then being incurably hopeful is the only way to survive in this country and world.