I worked, overcame the issues i had and got ready to help people with similar issues, but i was young and naive. There are no issues and people with suffering with keep suffering. I have been damaged beyond a point where it has become difficult to live. Had it not been the family, i would've had no reason to live. I overcame my fear, and for that i was told that i'm a psychopath. I've lived my life with integrity, and loved everyone in my life with deepest of my feelings. This is an unfortunate end to a mammoth struggle which can't even be defined. People die everyday and i will also die, what hurts me the most is the reminder of the Herculean struggle i've done. World was not for me and now i know this. I was just the opposite of everything i was portrayed as, but it won't matter anyway and anyhow. The damage has been done, my image has been tarnished. It's just that my self image has not been harmed and that keeps me happy.

अपने अनुभवों को अगर मैं लिखने बैठूं तो शायद शब्द ढूँढने पड़ें। किताबों की बातें किताबों तक ही सीमित रह जाती हैं। अगर ईश्वर होता तो शायद वो मुझे समझता, पर मेरा सुकून छोटे छोटे पत्थर के ईश्वरों में ही है। कहते हैं सत्य की विजय होती है, और अगर ऐसा है तो कितना भी घुमावदार क्यों न हो उसकी विजय होनी चाहिए। मुझे मेरी विजय नहीं चाहिए, कभी चाहिए नहीं थी। लोग ईश्वर पर विश्वास करते हैं, और अगर उनका ईश्वर है तो वो सत्य जानता है।

मैंने सत्य की खोज कर ली। ईश्वर की खोज के लिए मेरे सत्य को सामने आना होगा। परिणाम जो भी हो, मेरा सत्य मैं जानता हूँ। इस पीड़ा का कोई अंत नहीं है, और विज्ञान के युग में मैं ऐसे किसी चमत्कार की अपेक्षा भी नहीं करता जो मेरे सत्य का लोगो को अनुभव करा दे।

निरर्थक प्रयासों के बाद, ईश्वर से मैं ये ही चाहूँगा की मेरा सत्य सामने आये, क्योंकि ये सत्य सिर्फ देखने का ही नहीं, अनुभव करने का  भी है।

Probably in death i may find an answer. To confide in something or someone in the time of a crisis would be great but the design is perfect. I wish to end it, finish it once and for all. But, there are things which need to be fulfilled that make me stay. The complexity of it all and my inability to get out of it, not the things done but my life as a whole has been tiring. One thing go wrong and then the chain reaction starts. There is no escape from this, and i so want to take the final escape route.

Even with a scientific attitude it feels as if my whole life has been jinxed and there is no way out from this incessant suffering than the final goodbye. The wait for it is too punishing, but because of being betrayed by life itself.

This is a never ending loop that will continue forever. It has scarred me and my experiences. It has taken away everything i had and more. At least i know of my hardwork, courage and goodwill for  people and that should be enough. I had thought i will pull myself out, but no, i can't because one can pull himself out when he is alone, or when there is someone for pulling him up. Life has always been unforgiving to me and this is a pattern that would continue, until i end this cycle myself.

Happiness is a thing that eludes me everytime i get a little closer to it. One ends of living a life that is exactly opposite of what he is, becoming the exact opposite of what he is. The heaviness of this is indescribable but i will have to carry the load as far as i can for the people who are still there.