Alha Udal on The Run

Portals are one of my favourite literary devices. Them and if we talk about space, wormholes. If I'm writing a story, portals allow me to keep the world that I live in intact and imagine or create different worlds. I noticed this in one of Anant Kushwaha's chitrakathas too, though he didn't use a portal but a tree, in his chitrakatha he used a tree which a bonded labourer climbs to find a whole new kingdom at the top. It was back in the 90s so back then the world still had a wonder, jungles still had mystique and magic was still possible so climbing a tree to find a whole new kingdom at the top was a good device. Magic, although it might exist, doesn't matter now because in my thirty five years of life I have realised that magic too only helps the privileged, if a poor man or woman contracts tuberculosis he is as good as dead and there is no magic coming to save them. I have had some experiences and I'm a rational man, so I didn't discard my experiences outright. I believe that any magic that is reproducible is science and the meaning of magic for me is something that can't be reproduced. Anything that has a structure and a process and can be reproduced is a science, just different than the normal internationally standardised science. Those who have seen cartoons in childhood know how witches in them used to create potions by different ingredients, mostly by odd ingredients like a bird's eyes or a rat's liver and such. I personally don't believe in witchcraft but I do get that systems might exist that are incomprehensible to the modern science and it is kind of fitting because I myself practice such a system. I read Harry Potter as a kid, it made my childhood great and magical. Platform 9 3/4 was a portal to the magical world and such portals as literary devices provide escape in literature which to me seems essential in the political era we are living in today. I am a physician so I know that there is no magic in real life, outcomes in real-life are pre-defined. If you get an infection and don't get treated you are dead from sepsis. Only real magic in the real-world is money. When you grow up and understand this thing you realise that you can mostly only make friends with people who have similar shared experiences as you, I mean you can befriend a genuinely good man or woman, but it gets easier if they have read the same 90s comics as you, or have watched the same cable TV shows as you or like the same music as you. Now, think about the people who didn't have money to buy comics, have cable TV or buy audio cassettes. You realise that it is all based on money. Our ancients had a system for them, it was called folk culture where they had their music, dances and stories and ways to recreate themsleves. This culture has now been destroyed by pizza eating, coke drinking motherfuckers and now they proudly present token remanants of the culture to whites and Arabs in five star hotels while enslaving those who practiced that culture. They did the same with the middle class, in North India they totally obliterated Hindi literature. My writing is not for sale, especially after realising the reality of the situation. It's open source so that people know the truth about the demonic assholes who govern our lives. I might still publish if I write fiction or fantasy but it won't be traditional publishing. I like the idea of Narnia's wardrobe and I like the idea of Alice's rabbit hole. We have to find our portals and wormholes because the earth doesn't have mystery anymore, it has been totally mapped by Google Maps. 

Mangal

I write on this blog because I faced severe writing block while writing fiction and fantasy and so I make do with writing a blog post about writing. If I had the drive to write fiction I wouldn't have been as direct as I am on this blog and would have used metaphors in my fiction as the published "authors" do. But as have realised in the past couple of years that time of metaphors has passed and anyway I like and enjoy writing direct even if it makes me a target of persecution as I personally know that persecution in this nation doesn't really need a reason and is totally of whimsical nature. Existence is basically about saving your ass as long as you can, of course it is a political design so that the ones who live in airconditioning can permanently live in airconditioning, well at least till the sun explodes which is still quite a long way to go. I was young, I believed in scientific journals, I believed in United Nations, I believed in terraforming other planets until I realised that UN, like my state of Uttar Pradesh is just on paper,  and scientific journals are at least seventy percent hogwash, and terraforming planets is of no use without freedom which will always elude the common man. In this process I also realised that most of history too is hogwash and at present it is primarily a tool for going back in time and finding reasons to oppress and discriminate against groups of people. When true reality of the world, which is of course of a political nature, confronts a person one has no option, if he is family man, but to give in to it. Love is the greatest force and the greatest bondage humans experience. As I have experienced life I prefer death and personally think it is a better option than to live in slavery but then love is something that keeps people alive, the safety of loved ones in the big bad world is the biggest motivator to keep on living. And since one has to keep on living why not live happily. I realised that all that matters is now, one has to learn to live happily in the present. Past might come to haunt, and if politics is involved, in more ways than one, but it is present that matters. Future is unsure. Like when I was a kid I used to think about flying cars in future and Artificial Intelligence and sure we have Artificial Intelligence but we also have Only Fans. Flying cars would have been cooler than Only Fans though. I realised that future is not going to be better, and I would love to be proven wrong, because life is already better for those whom it is. Future has always been here and it is rationed. Only way to access the future in this arrangement is betraying your own. My problem is not this though, my problem is that assholes neck deep in pleasures of all kinds and "psychological air-conditioning" (you can only understand this phrase if you are acquainted to it) prevent people from experiencing even the natural breeze, one most people would say God has made. The goal is not just having it all, the goal also consists of deprivation of others. It's sad but it is what it is. When I was a kid I had read a story about a bird having a nest to stay during a thunderstorm and two monkeys destroying it because they didn't have somewhere to stay. This story not only works in this country at a social level, but also at a level way deeper than that. Terraforming Mars would mean nothing if it involves hiring cheap labour from Bihar to go and die there first and that probably would happen. You might say I'm pessimistic but it's been more than 2000 years after Jesus and humanity has not only not learnt but from what I have seen, it has become demonic in ways that are hard even to express. Escape, then, becomes the only way. I advocate for healthy ways of escapism and not alcohol, sex and drugs. I escape with fiction and fantasy and people must find their own but healthy ways to escape. Happiness is of prime importance, and creating happy memories is the best thing one can do for their family and themselves. 

Vol. 2

It was early 2010s and I had gotten bored with women after realising that God (if He or She exists) had made a great blueprint but failed to execute it practically. I have had beautiful examples of women from my community but I hadn't been so lucky in personal life. The women I grew up around were filled with love and sacrifice, and it kind of forged myself for love and sacrifice. It's later that I realised that despite having such kind, generous and sacrificing women in my community, the control of my region and consequently control of women in my region is in hands of literal rapists and I think it's the case of most of India. Early 2010s was when I had stopped searching for a girlfriend and started hoping to find a mate. I wanted to find myself a girl with whom I could talk about the universe and wonders of nature, someone who was as broken as I was during that time so we could heal each other, at that time I was unaware of the political angle that a broken woman in this country means a prostitute. You live for quite a while and the political angle settles in. I have deep respect for femininity. Anyone who has had a grandmother knows what real love is. It was in late 2010s that I became aware that the hometown I loved so much is covertly a rapetown, it gave me a bigger picture about the state of this country but it was specially surprising to learn this about my hometown which I had seen steeped in tradition and it is here I realised that rape is a political tool which is used frequently for political intimidation and also because the motherfuckers involved are habitual rapists. I could apply the logic on the greater nation and the hypocrisy of this nation and the truth that we all know subconsciously but couldn't keep our fingers on finally came out for me. Rape, I realised, is never going to go out of fashion because power will always belong to those who use deception and brute force to acquire and keep it and they enjoy the sadism of inflicting humiliation and helplessness in the victim. The hidden structure that governs the lives of people in my region, I realised, is composed solely of rapists which I realised after direct confrontation with the power structure and obviously for no reasons. These motherfuckers aren't as skilled in their "jobs" (if at all we can call it a job) as they are in rape. I realised that different forms of rapes exist, brute force, coercion, raping and silencing through intimdation, I mean approaches are quite varied. I was a romantic guy but I gave up my romantic ideals after I realised that the deepest power structure of my region and this nation is composed solely of rapists. I have seen it so I know it. It means God in this nation is a rapist. There wouldn't be a girl with whom I can talk about the universe under the night sky and it anyway doesn't matter as I'm now as happily married as any common Indian man is.

Monopoly

Building fictional and fantastical worlds is something that I enjoy deeply. I also like to create superheroes for personal pleasure and even though I can't draw, I can use them in stories because there is no dearth of superhero literature in the West even if we keep aside comics and graphic novels. Superheroes empower kids and at present there is a dearth of indigenous superheroes. There have been indigenous superheroes in the past which still exist in this country though barely. I was travelling by train a few years ago and I saw a mom playing monopoly with his child, he might be eleven years of age. At that age I was reading comics bought from A.H. Wheelers and it kinds of sums up how this country is evolving, financially but not creatively. Kids do not read anymore, at least a majority of them which is evident by comics sales in this country. Most indigenous comics sales come from 90s kids trying to complete their comics collection rather than kids buying comics to read. Also, comics are incredibly expensive now, even Indian comics so they have gone beyond the reach of even the middle class and high class kids read Marvel, DC and imported Mangas and not indigenous comics. It was during a phase of terrible depression that I decided to create superheroes at a personal level to help me cope, these characters were made of my favourite traits and tailored to my needs, just like Lord Hanuman is for wrestlers. I like creating fictional and fantasy worlds, and I had thought about creating a space operas which got actively sabotaged during a low phase in my life. The point now is not about reading or creating fantasies or fantastical worlds, the point now is being capable of suspending the reality and actually being able to inhabit those fantasies or fantastical worlds. After the internet became from a tool of connecting people to a huge financial and propaganda machine, reality has been too on the face and the hyperreality and simulacra that had been built all through these years has, at least for those who are intelligent, collapsed. I have all the important fantasy series in my library from Tolkien's Lord of The Rings to Ursula K. Le Guins Earthsea novels and of course much loved Harry Potter series and even Neil Gaiman's dark fantasy books and yet I find myself incapable of escaping into those worlds like I could when I was a kid or even in my early youth. Only time I'm able to escape into fiction or fantasy now is when I am myself writing it which is not very often due to writer's block. I make my characters and superheroes, and I have lived with them in my childhood, Chacha Chaudhary by Pran, Fauladi Singh in Diamond Comics, the numerous superheroes of Raj Comics like Nagraj, Doga and so many others. I want to create and I hope to create something worthwhile, I'm not a monopoly kind of person and anyone who is knows that it's an unending game which ends up in murder. Superheroes don't murder, they save. 

Stranger Than Fiction

It was in early 2010s I used to think of becoming a physician-writer. While I was college I wanted to get into writing comics, and I used to write on my blog, musings and short stories. What triggered that thought in me was an issue of a comic magazine named Comic Jump by Level 10 Comics and my history with comics as I used to have a huge comic book collection in my childhood which I let go to focus on my studies during highschool. It is at the same time the outline of the novel I wanted to write started forming in my mind and I started to write snippets of it on my blog. A whole decade later, I realised that writing is redundant and while I wanted to write my masterpiece I realised that writing a masterpiece is not really possible given the political repression and sabotage of skills. What people get in the literary echo chamber these days in this country is actually either approved propaganda, substandard literature or literature that furthers the narrative. I realised this after I got enlightened about the literary and creative circles of this country by mid 2010s and I realised that they are basically circlejerks of snobs with connection and reach and making it in publishing, even if one manages to do it is not really worth it especially now when we live in times of people getting biases confirmed by individually tailored social media algorithms. I still write though to let out the truth I know and for creative pleasure. The masterpiece I wanted to write is not only a far cry now but also redundant as I realised that whatever you write will be co-opted and weaponised against the intent you wrote it with. Level 10 Comics has shut down and so have many comics startups formed in the late 2000s and early 2010s and even most of the old comic publishers except a few. People don't get indigenous fictional and fantasy narratives anymore and are for most part entertaining themselves through social media especially through YouTube and Instagram reels. Real human connection is difficult these days and here books come in picture as they stand as the last bastion of real human connection and honesty, I mean since I have read quite a few books I can say that about books until the 90s and especially about 20th century's European and American literature. I still write, for informing people and for creative pleasure through fiction, though I don't have any plans of traditional publishing anymore especially now when we are living in times that are stranger than fiction.

Dispatch 21

Having the experience of the actual reality is important. The actual reality of the country and the world is purely materialistic and political. Spirituality is of no use when only select few can access it and majority has access to it in the form of a dogmatic and deluding religion. It's about the intent though and in the past decade I have realised that the intent itself, in this country, is to delude people. Though it doesn't take away the fact that religion gives relief and community to a lot of people. I experienced the actual reality of this nation and when I entered the blackhole of the cruelty and detravity that is hidden behind myriads of delusions I decided that I would send dispatches outside so that people who read me can get a clear idea and prevent themselves, I mean as much as it is possible, from becoming a prey of conspiracies and delusions. For good men, at least for a major portion of them, getting exploited is inevitable because the arrangement is mathematical exploitation of anything that can be exploited, be it poverty, illnesses, handicaps, inferiority complexes, insecurities and self-doubts and it is at a level at which it can't really be fought back. Goodness and weakness will be inevitably exploited and when one knows this country well they realise that goodness in this country itself is a weakness. What keeps people deluded though is that this country and those who control things here keep a facade of benevolence which doesn't translate into practicality, the arrangement for men is basically slavery and for women it is a harem like situation and there is nothing that can be done about this. Though it might be that it is a situation particular to Purvanchal, but I highly doubt it. The arrangement itself is such that anyone who has seen it, if they talk about it seem crazy as people's lives have been individualised and their ability of rational interpretation has been dismantled for the most part, I still take the risk of being labelled crazy because this is the bottomline and once one makes sense of the things and yet is unsure they have an example to compare their own life experiences with. I leave my writings as lighthouses or lifeboats for people suffering without any fault of theirs, as a doctor I know that even if someone is incurable merely giving them the diagnosis of their suffering greatly reduces the suffering. In short it's not God that is testing you and causing you suffering, it's rampant political exploitation at a level where people think God resides and where it can't be resisted. I wouldn't have bothered to write this kind of shit because I have my own life to pay attention to but then I realised that these motherfuckers are doing anything to anyone at this point and hence writing about it became necessary for me. 

Pillars

Knowing your exact problem is important, it's like troubleshooting your computer. This is one mistake that I did in the early years of my youth. I worked to get better but did not focus on my exact problems. It is a way that is taught for medical practice, problem definition and problem resolution. I was able to define my problems by mid 20s but the actual enlightenment was when I got to know the source of all my problems, it turned out to be my hometown and region. I have lived and travelled throughout this country but it is later that I realised that it was local illiterate despots of my hometown who were defining my life and in fact sabotaging it and the origin of it is local hatred. Though once when I got acquainted to their nature post 2016, I realised that hatred is a way of life for them, it is a way of self-preservation and retaining political power and so is spreading their hatred in the society. India doesn't have issues like multiple races so discrimination is personalised and individual. It's post 2016 I ended up realising that the main goals of those who hold power in this country are sex and money, and resources and the way these individuals exercise power, it can't really be negotiated with or even protested against. It is here I realised that what poses as God in this country is basically politics and then I got evidence of complicity of religion in it because Varanasi the supposed spiritual capital of India is nearby. I love Hindu religion it's a beautiful tolerant and syncretic religion but by the mid to late 2010s I realised that it is not in good hands. My hometown and region has inflicted infinite suffering on me and has tried to humiliate me in front of outsiders and people from other regions it is a whole another thing that they couldn't because of the values and strength my family has imparted in me. It is in late 2010s I realised that one is, unless they are untethered by the ones in actual power in this country, bonded to their hometowns and not in a good way but as a bonded labourer or a slave. When you get enlightened about the actual political reality of this country you realise that there is no hometown or home region, there is no city that you can call your own. Only thing that you can call your own is just your own family and the people who love you and no one else. This ends up being the ultimate truth and for most, hometowns and regions just end up being another thing that they can be discriminated against. I realised that this country is ruled by hypocritical and selfish to the core, demonic exploiters and rapists who are doing anything to anyone at this point, and they get away with inflicting infinite suffering on people because one, the control is at a level which cannot be fought against, the control is invisible and for the most part hides behind God and religion, and because they are inferior. It can feel like God is controlling your life but for majority of people it's just a criminal rapist picked up from the lower class assigned to their family by the feudal-corporate nexus and your local invisible fiefdom. This setup acts as both intelligence and providence while the drama of astrology and kundalis goes on. The main goals are sex and money though and sadism, in some cases sustained release sadism. What showed me the cracks in this system is that these motherfuckers are more criminal than they are intelligent. I trained to heal people and I just wanted to do my job peacefully, which I still do but I was baffled when a newspaper the name of which starts with "Dainik" tries to gaslight me (and probably intimidate me) outside my own clinic in Varanasi of all places and it is here I realised that media of this country is complicit in the criminal syndicate posing as a providence in this country. The thing that saddened me the most is how pathetic these motherfuckers are despite having all the resources in the world. The whole business thrives on just a few things, blackmail, intimidation, victim blaming and gaslighting and a few more approaches as the need arises. It was an enlightening experience for me and I realised that public welfare is a scam and one has to bother only about themselves and their loved ones as this is what the setup is now and it's not 90s community oriented era. 

Fear That Gives Men Wings

Writing is not really about self-expression for me as much as it is about dispensing right information and getting my creative juices flowing but once in a while I sneak in a bit of self-expression which is refreshing after playing my roles in family, at work and in society. I'm a fan of noir, and I have been a fan of it ever since I played Max Payne when I was sixteen. I got closer to it during my early adulthood when I suffered chronic pain and in my mid to late adulthood this country and through it the world unfolded in front of me and I realise that noir as a genre is going to be alive and kicking for quite a while and it might even be forever. I was in college when I read the short story collection called Baum Plan for Financial Independence by John Kessel and it had a bunch of noir themed stories including the titular Baum Plan for Financial Independence, it was a great collection and I think it is among my favourite short story collections. I'm a fan of hard boiled and while I have books of Raymond Chandler, one of the proponents of noir and hardboiled I haven't really read them but my relationship with noir has been consistent since sixteen and continues. It's in my early youth that I got interested in transgressive fiction and got introduced to writers such as Chuck Palahniuk and Bret Easton Ellis, I retain an element of transgressive fiction in my writing though I try to use it sparsely and judiciously. In my late 20s I got introduced to the deep politics of this country, probably because of my writing and it is then I realised that the actual reality behind the facade of religion, traditions and social conventions in this nation is transgressive and it is so transgressive that it makes writers like Bret Easton Ellis and Chuck Palahniuk seem like cotton candy vendors. I realised that God doesn't really exist which I kind of suspected all throughout my life and especially halfway during my medical studies. Though I realised that we can manifest God through faith, belief, devotion and will power like I manifest my Divine Mothers but that's all God that there is in the world and rest is a mix of politics, business and crime and unfortunately it is in our minds and nerves. Noir is relevant today and looking at how things are unfolding it would probably remain relevant forever though I hope not, as much as I love the genre I just want it to be fiction. I like mixing noir with other genres and my writing, even in general retains an element of noir and hardboiled though I'm working on using it at will instead of leaving a trace of it in every writing of mine but guess no writing can be without a trace of a bit of self-expression. 

Teen Patti

When you realise that you can't do general good or that giving back to society is fruitless because of the general deep political setup of this country you then start to focus on your interests. I still try to give back to the society through my writing and I have realised that only good way that one can give back to society is by alleviating pain of others or give them money. But then money is the main consideration for everyone and it can't be parted with to ensure personal survival for the most part. In the past decade much has been said about Mother Teresa, that she was into conversion and money laundering but since I have seen, during my visits to Haridwar, lepers at Har Ki Pairi begging sitting at the ghats, I just refuse to believe the allegations on her. Would the babas who travel in luxury cars and at most just give advice to people which may or may not work wash wounds of lepers like Mother Teresa did? Can they with all their money give shelter to lepers, sick and dying like Mother Teresa did? Anyone who knows this country well knows that eventual endpoint of financial growth in this country is money laundering, it's an acceptable thing as long as you don't get caught by law enforcement agencies and you actually won't if you keep their palms warm or don't offend someone in power. An honest man has to constantly jump hoops of individualised conspiracies against him or her and honest work is practically impossible in this country so that one eventually becomes part of the corrupt political soul of this country. Honest people wither away in hand to mouth while politicians, mafia and their lackeys thrive by exploiting resources and people. So, a honest man has to learn to invest in this scenario and learn to invest well to attain financial security for him and his family. I have a healthcare and hospital administration background and so I know that hospitals in this nation are basically malls where you buy health and as far as government hospitals go except the elite institutes like AIIMS and few others, it is like playing russian roulette with yourself and which mostly doesn't end well for the poor though good for stomach pain and appendectomy once in a while. Financial security is health in more ways than one. I for one, at one point of my life decided to cut the crap and focus on the basics. I do my work and focus on my hobbies and interests, I like to see taekwondo tricking competitions on YouTube, bushcraft videos, I like motorcycles mostly cafe racers and dirtbikes and own an Xpulse 200, closest option to a dirtbike in this country and might invest in Continental GT, or even TVS Ronin for my cafe racers interest. I'm not a very materialistic guy but then I realised what the hell, at least I can get the basics covered. I like hatchbacks in cars and would buy a Toyota if it launches a genuine Totyota hatchback instead of rebranded Suzuki that is presently in the market and this is the end of my materialism. I enjoy Indian classical music, especially Carnatic music and rock music, sometimes I also enjoy 90s American hip hop and experimental genres such as dubstep and funk and others. I love comics and graphic novels and keep myself updated on them. The point is that you must not give up on your interests, it's not worth it. I gave up on my interests after bachelors to chase excellence and it was the most miserable time of my life. As far as Indian society goes, if I be honest, it doesn't deserve giving back to it because it is mostly composed of hypocrites and selfish gatekeepers and giving back to society loses its meaning when gatekeeping and exploitation is systemic from top to bottom, but if you are a good man you would be obliged to give back so you must do it only after cementing your financial and social position. 

Vibe Check

When I was younger life for me was about purpose and greater or higher purpose, now, as I have matured with time, it is about vibes and memories. Vibes and memories make a life and so you must ensure that you get exposed to good vibes and make happy memories no matter how tough the circumstances are. Vibes seem to be a very hippie term but they are real and my idea of it is a physical and psychological sensation that make us feel in particular way about an object or a person. Remember the first time you entered your college? It was you feeling the vibe of the college before going daily and getting used to it. In my belief vibe is composed of two components, one how an object really is and how we respond to it with our mind, body and memories and experiences and even feelings and emotions. I have had numerous experiences in the past decade and I realise that if we consider at a very individual level, behind love and family, there is nothing more to life than vibes and memories. Of course there is money and material wealth but that counts as survival. Greater or higher purpose might still exist but it is not really possible to execute due to the deep politics of this country and the world. I write, and I first started writing in college so as to not waste my time in useless pursuits and to do something worthwhile in my free time later writing became for me a way to tell the truth, educate people, make them feel and, sometimes when I write good stories, entertain them. It's in past four or five years that I started chasing vibes in my writing. My aim to create or recreate vibes that I like, hoping that others who have similar taste as mine might like them or even those who don't have similar taste to mine might get to experience something new. At present my goal is to create vibes of 90s Hindi comics and children's magazine, 90s general vibe and vibes associated with my favourite writers, a few of them would be, Conan Doyle, Lovecraft, Kafka, JK Rowling, and Premchand although there are many more and the list keeps, although not very fast, growing. I have a job that gives me satisfaction and I write for recreation, to unwind, to feel the joy of creation. I gave up my idea of conventional publishing when I realised that literary and publishing circles in India are propaganda syndicate and circlejerks and with it went the idea of commercial writing and earning through my writing. It's just a hobby, and an art I like to practice and I'm glad that I can deliver vibes and memories through this art. 

Immortals of Meluha

I sometimes feel like writing like boring depressing writers but that's not really my style. Though I'm aware that I write pretty depressive stuff but that's only because it's the truth. It's hard for me to write but I want to chase vibes. Writing, especially writing something new is almost impossible due to political repression, and I really do not know whether it is due to Purvanchal or this country. In 2011 my goal was to write an adventure novel and it was kind of formed in my head and it is in 2013 I started facing sabotage that I thought at first was internet based until I realised that it is at the level of mind and nerves. There is no cure for retardation when ideology is forced at the level of nerves, and especially if that ideology is sex and money. I was never a sex and money kind of a guy so it doesn't really agree with me, I was, doing my job honestly and then beer and cigarettes with friends kind of a guy but back then I didn't know that your hometown literally travels with you all the time and is practically a republic in its own right and with arbitrary and whimsical rules that facilitate sex and money. It's sounding strange, I know but it won't in sometime I hope because everyone deserves to know the real truth of this country. It's in mid 2010s that I realised that Uttar Pradesh the state doesn't really exist except on paper and the real machines are cultural and socio-lingustic and my region has shared machine with the state of Bihar just as West UP has shared cultural machine with Haryana. This is a case just for middle and lower class people though. These cultural machines have unfortunately been co-opted for exploitation and it was sad to see my culture instead of being a way life as it earlier was, becoming just a programming for exploitation. It's neuropsychological in nature so the control can't really be escaped and culture has ultimately become a tool for financial exploitation. That's not the end though, in the past decade I realised that these motherfuckers are doing anything to anyone just based on their whims, earlier I had thought there are some rules like religious or moral rules, there are not, if these motherfuckers don't like your face, they will torture and murder you. These are the same kind of individuals who in villages assert dominance by raping women in people's families for entering temples or some other real or imagined slight. Though one must know that just sixty years ago their daddies had cocks of the British in their assholes. I was able to decode the setup of Purvanchal because I have spent time with it. It's basically lower class criminals, especially rapists, and they have access of people's family histories and memories, it's basically neurosensory data and no matter how big you are unless you are among the big daddies they have access to your past, memories and mind and bodies. So, the question of an external intelligence establishment ends here. It is how people who complain of remote neural monitoring and gangstalking are declared insane, the arrangement is omnipresent so it's basically just whims functioning with religion being used as a tool for micromanagement and hence so many superstitions in small towns. This is the reason mental health issues are political issues actually. The ones above the cultural machine are rootless bastards and big daddies an example would be the inhabitants of Lutyen's Delhi and Bollywood. Bollywood especially surprised me because when i was young I used to think these bastards as artists when they are just voyeurs who steal from people's lives and sell it back to them and it has became even more evident post 2013 if you see hyperreal shows like Pataal Lok and Mirzapur and compare it to movies of the past like Chinagate, Raja Babu or any other movie even Karan Jauhar movies which are actually artistic. It's not the government change, government change is only responsible for "loot sako toh loot lo" exploitation that is going on at present real exploitation is free of Congress vs BJP and had been going on forever and at present it's just in a sandwich form where you can't really makeout who is behind this. Though one simple rule is that it's your local politicians and mafia and ofcourse assholes in corporate. It's a pretty direct country and once you know the basics it unfolds itself to you. Meritocracy is scam. So just focus on improving your skills and earning money while trying to keep your family together. Writing anyway becomes redundant in this kind of setting but I write just how I enjoy superhero movies, for fun. 

Rose Metal

I have been reading about prose poetry and flash fiction recently and given my short attention span I decided that they are what I must focus on and hence the reading. I started a flash fiction project on Tumblr and it's hard to create stories daily or even regularly but I mean to devote some time to that. As far as prose poetry goes I have started enjoying it as a form. As a poet, I have a muse, and my poetry is dedicated to her and since we have been out of touch I don't really write poetry anymore and prose poems is closest to poetry that I can be without writing actual poems. When I was younger I used to write a lot of romantic poetry and sometimes sensuous or erotic ones. Genuine romantic expression is not possible in this country anymore as it is either ridiculed or give away that you can be exploited. The conditions are dismal but this is reality and yet I love to write romantic prose poems. Sometimes I write surreal stuff based on the political experiences that I have had in the past decade and it's kind of funny because even about a decade back I used to write prose poetry and even surreal ones, Purvanchal my home region doesn't tolerate surrealism and I doubt they even have the intelligence to appreciate it, it got demonstrated to me some five or six years ago when I met an arts professor of Banaras Hindu University in a psychotic state as a patient. It's after returning back to Purvanchal I realised that there is covert rape going on in the region, it's not overt but covert, and institutionalised rape and religion coexist. If you visit Varanasi even a common man would give you detailed religious and spiritual intellectualisations while the truth is, not for common man, but the ones who propagate this shit that they are materialists as well as criminals with focus on sex in form of covert rape and money in form of exploitation which is in accordance with rest of the country just in a form that is not really aesthetic, it's not just rape but rape and silencing through intimidation and blackmail and this setup is centralised though invisible. After returning to my region I realised that the things I took pride in in my culture have been dismantled community bonds and love have been destroyed due to consistent and individualised conspiracies and totalitarianism. What's the point of deeper community bonds and love if they get exploited and people get emotionally tortured for them, they just end up becoming melodrama which is the present state. I had a patient who was the only son of an old mother and he was suffering with a condition and was unable to get employed, that was mostly just political torture, so this is the condition. People are deprived of mere basics and their wills are broken and families are micromanaged through individualised social engineering and micromanagement and old hierarchies are being dismantled so that just the invisible hierarchy remains. People are baited in the name of employment and then exploited. One of the modus operandis is to get people from the region humiliated and exploited by individuals from other regions and if you have noticed and are politically aware you might see the same pattern with Bihar. The truth is that as far as Purvanchal goes, things that were authentic and real twenty years ago have become totally performative. It's basically a bunch of extortionists in control which on thinking a bit was not that hard to digest. Though since I realised that in this country you can carry your personal psychological air-conditioning, these things stop to matter but I'm a man who prefers natural breeze. I think I have enough material to work with for my flash fiction project, and I would probably focus on Rajasthan and music videos of Bharat Bala that I saw on Doordarshan as a kid for some of my stories. There are longer works, such as novellas, too but I don't have mental bandwidth for them at present and looking at the political scenario I might not get the bandwidth at all. 

Dedh Shaana

Life has its complexities, which as you age tend to get simplified. I have simplified my life, family, money, profession, academics, interests and hobbies. I have done away with friendships that require effort, as one should know that friendships that require effort are not friendships at all. People have no idea the scale at which this nation is pathetic, I however have had my delusions promptly cured in the past decade. If I did not love the community and the land I was born in, myriads of cultures that are steadily deteriorating and the beautiful constitution we have, there was absolutely no reason to love this country but I would suppose that these reasons are more than enough. What I learnt in the past decade is that this country, the actual soul of this country doesn't even believe in giving people dignity in death, and here the actual soul refers to the collective souls of those who actually run this country. In countries like Persia you would be hanged at the city square if you offend the power, whatever you might say, there is dignity in that. Majid Kavousifar, an Iranian, was publicly executed for shooting and killing a judge whom he believed was corrupt. There is dignity in that kind of death. Take example of China, not only it has crushed India in progress but also even if there is authoritarianism people clearly know what kind of shit they should or should not do, even in North Korea people specifically know what they should and should not do. Now, as I have seen it let me tell you India's system, there is democracy and freedom of speech but real game is at the level of minds, there is individualised absolute totalitarianism at mental plane and the setup is that people do not have autonomy over their minds, bodies and relationships and yet are held fully responsible for their thoughts and actions. Corruption is so institutionalised that earning through hardwork is almost impossible and anyone who has had to deal with the bureaucracy know that but here the best part, the criminals and corrupt individuals you see getting caught are just caught either because they are scapegoats or they were just not good enough for corruption. The system is kept vague so that it facilitates arbitrary enforcement of laws which is aided by conspiracies at the deeper level. When in the mid 2010s I realised that this country doesn't even believe in giving a dignified death to people especially the ones they frame after hatching elaborate conspiracies, the true nature of the assholes who rule this country came in front of me. I mean it's not really cool and not really honourable, it is then I realised that these motherfuckers are thieves, criminals and rapists and most importantly cowards. Even if we consider people like Chanakya and Machiavelli, even they wouldn't deprive people of dignity in death. It's a sad state of affairs and unfortunately especially for good and weak people who are framed in conspiracies. The truth is that these motherfuckers are inferior and cruelty and cowardice of inferior individuals knows no end and it is infinite and they get away with infinite cruelty because of their inferiority. The fun part is that fate in this country is pre-decided and also real-time, and that means mood of "God" can change anytime and your fate can become real-time, courtesy politicians, corporate assholes and mafia, there is no real intelligence establishment in this country and your fate is basically whims of the rich. The best part of the ordeal I got to experience is that my region Purvanchal is actually inferior, I never believed it as I have seen my village, culture and community in childhood, until I got to see it in person and anyway I have no stakes in it anymore because my culture and the love in it have been raped out of recognition. If Purvanchal is like this, you can imagine the condition of Bihar, it might probably be the gutter of this country.

Bomb Shelter

It feels odd to keep writing when no one else does, but then others are making reels. I don't really write for self-expression, i write to try to preserve and because I enjoy writing. Thanks to my experiences in the past decade I have a fairly good idea of the actual reality of this nation and while it is not good by any measure I have realised that one can build their own corner even if there is constant threat of invasion. Privacy is a myth and I have gotten used to this fact and it was kind of expected from this country where people are treated as animals that their privacy will be taken for granted. It might not seem at face value but all the talk about end-to-end encryption is bullshit. Here is the trick for existence in this country: try to be the most authentic version of yourself while thinking and speaking shit that can't be twisted otherwise, I know thinking part is hard but it would come with practice. Things have multiple meanings and so you have to learn to say the thing that has exactly one meaning, the only meaning that you want to convey so that it cannot be twisted otherwise. Suffices to say that comedy is out of question in this scenario and most of the comedians you see are industry plants and if you have seen it you know that it's mostly shitty, and the kids who are making memes which are actually funny are going to have to make two choices, either sell their souls and become corrupt or get tortured for their sense of humour for the rest of their lives. If I know this country enough, and if it doesn't change from its present state, which I hope it does, the Gen Z you see, if they don't make right choices for themselves, the boys will either become hypocritical and wife beaters because of systematic deprivation from intimacy and the girls would become depressed aunties in maxis with their wills broken. Here is the basic: empathy is being intentionally and systematically eroded from the society and hypocrisy and selfishness is being systematically promoted turning people into exactly the beasts which the ones in power think they are. The standard delusion of everything is fine will go on but no one will believe it because it's actually not. The setup of torture and exploitation is individualised so people won't be able to empathise with each other in general as the threshold at which torture starts will be different for different people, a lower class person will get tortured for nothing while upper class would get away with murder though despite this the illusion will be maintained by selecting puppets from different classes and castes and thus illusion of meritocracy will sustain. The only thing to do in this scenario is to earn money and find places where you can escape, get hobbies, interests and things you can escape the shitshow that is going on with. You have noticed the pattern that everyone is reminiscing the old times, no one who is happy in the present reminisces the old times and it is how you can diagnose privilege. 

Paimana

There are some vibes that when you see them you just know that they are yours. Till now since the time I have been on the internet I have encountered two vibes that I thought I could build upon. One was from a blogger blog of a literary kind of a guy in Rajasthan who wrote Hindi literature and another from a poem of a Hindustani classical musician on Tumblr. Otherwise we encounter countless vibes on the internet but these two vibes stayed with me because they hit somewhere intimate in me making me realise who I actually was. I have lived under tremendous sociopolitical pressure for most of my life and that might be, in some part, attributed to my grandfather's political career but had that not been the case I would have been that guy, living with and in those two vibes which have a lot more in common than they are distinct. Those who are in touch with Hindi literature know that it has been almost obliterated from existence by now. Earlier in this country only lower classes were exploited but since the late 2000s the target also began to include the middle class, and what gave dignity to the middle class? Hindi literature, just like folk culture, music, art, dances and tales gave dignity to the lower classes. They eradicated folk culture, music, art, dances and tales from the lower classes and annihilated Hindi literature from the middle classes. When I was younger I used to think of it as a natural phenomenon, a side-effect of modernity. In the past decade as the actual political reality of this nation dawned upon me, I realised that it is intentional and the goal is to deprive the lower and middle classes of dignity and voice and turn them into slaves, robots and drones. In the past decade I also realised that there is nothing that can be done about it, as the control is omnipresent, absolute and totalitarian and the only thing one can do is be aware of it so that one can make peace with the slavery and try to do what actually matters to them. I choose my awareness of the slavery to build on the vibes that are dear to me. There is not much that can be done about Hindi literature anymore as it has been almost wiped out and even if you write in Hindi no one, and especially no one of consequence, who can bring about a change, would read it, and so I try to convert Hindi literary vibes in English. I'm aware of my slavery but I refuse to play the game of "my neighbour has bought an Audi and I have a Toyota."

Writing Update

I think I have enough writing projects for now. Two projects on Tumblr for flash fiction and imagery and four novellas on Wattpad, one novel, two story series if I choose to write them and my regular blogging on my blog. Among the story series is one unnamed project the name of which hasn’t been decided but it’s a medical or, to be accurate, psychiatric thriller which in some stories might also touch up on occult and second is Paranormal Diaries of The Indies, a short story series in the horror genre. One of the novellas, Into The Woods, is set in the same universe as Paranormal Diaries of The Indies. Another novella is Naraka Dwar, a science fiction, cosmic horror story the concept of which started as an episodic story by the name Hellseeker. The third and fourth one is Agnipunkh, a mythonoir thriller, and the one I’m writing at present is The Claw Machine, a magical realism sociopolitical thriller. I think I must start rewriting the draft of my novel, Ashtabhuj, on Wattpad itself and that would make the total projects to nine in number There are more than enough projects to last a year and I hope to complete them.

Intimate Despots

Choosing your worlds is essential. Unfortunately you can't choose your consciousness, which is decided by fate and the past decade made me realise that it is in this country chosen by criminals. What you can do is try to maintain equilibrium inside you and know that your deepest self knows the truth. Truth or lies don't matter in the setting we live in but knowing your truth is important because in the setting we live in you can be lied about yourself and so it's of absolute importance that you know your truth. My realisation of the actual politics of this country was simple, grounding myself in my family and at most community, it is to know that in context of places like Purvanchal and Bihar, caste is different than the community. This country is funny in the manner that tyranny is expressed at the psychological plane while the drama of democracy goes on outside. The pattern that I noticed in Purvanchal at the psychological plane is of breaking the will of honest and good people through sheer force at the psychological plane and co-opting the assholes to keep perpetuating the criminality while religion acts as a tool for constant repression and shit like you shouldn't drink water standing up and such shitty superstitions are perpetuated. There is a difference between traditions and superstitions. Traditions have benevolent reasons, superstitions are for deluding, controlling and exploitation. I have been experiencing false consciousness for quite some time, about a decade. Though thankfully I was able to access my real-self and while I was being told who I am, I already know who I am. When the game becomes about identity one should promptly know that it is politics. It is in the past decade I realised that's it is basically about sex and money, not for common people as they have a lot to deal with, the pain of survival, love, relationships, traditions, but for those who control their minds and effectively their whole lives, for them it is about sex and money. The hyperreality has collapsed and the motherfuckers controlling the narrative in this country have lost the plot, and despotism is going to be the last resort of these motherfuckers in some time. The Gen Z is intelligent and so they would see through their pathetic designs and then they wouldn't have any option but intimidation, blackmail, guilt tripping and victim blaming and creating tragedies in people's lives. Intimidation, blackmail, guilt tripping and victim blaming is, however the standard setting and for pious people it is done through religion and for people like me who have seen through the designs, it becomes direct though covert. The thing to know is that no one can really know who you are except the people who love you and especially the kind of assholes that have to resort to intimidation, blackmail, guilt tripping and victim blaming despite having access to people's minds, consciousnesses and bodies. People are ruled by moral and intellectual cretins who are rabid and I'm not talking about the government but the ones who actually rule this country. The narrative has collapsed and so has the reality of this nation and instagram reels can't really go on forever though people can trip on algorithms tailored solely for them for sometime. One thing I have realised that every person in this country and probably the world, belongs to nowhere. It's just an exploitation chamber wherever one is and when this thing has expressed itself, I think it's actually too late for bullet trains in this country. 

Thought Broadcast

I'm a physician and I talk about deep politics a lot on my blog? What must be the reason? I once wanted to be a psychiatrist, my prime motivation to want to be a psychiatrist was that I had suffered severe fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome during my early youth along with severe depression to the point of dysthymia yet those who have known me know that I'm a cheerful man in general. I wanted to help people suffering with mental health issues and diseases in general and so I prepared for it, ultimately realising that end point of all mental health issues is finance. I'm doing great, but many don't. They don't feel like waking up, they don't feel like doing self-care. Mental health is a purely political issue and is perpetuated by the deep politics of country. Sounds paranoid? Well it does, but unfortunately it is also true. It was my luck in 2013 that I was able to see the exact demarcation at which the society is stratified below which lives of people stops to matter. Here is the fun part, the assholes who have designed this setup didn't even bother to make this system complex so that it's difficult to decode, all that is required, for a fairly educated man, is to realise the level the control is present at after that the delusion falls apart. The truth is that there is an industrial scale of exploitation that is going on and at a level at which it is invisible and it's basically fear, guilt and shame based constant manipulation and exploitation in which religion plays a major role, the arrogance is such that the new masters of this country are the same assholes who own lamborghinis and hold corporate positions and the local mafia and feudal lords. Here is the exact phrase for what they actually feel for the masses behind the facade of benevolence: malignant ridicule, and in this country they aren't even the famed sophisticated and classy pedophiles, just straight up entitled criminals and rapists. Health is a far cry in this scenario and since about twenty years culture too. Isn't it funny that English is gatekept as a language of the rich when it is just a language and nothing else and especially a colonial one at that. I like English as a language personally because it is a language which has travelled the most, which has the most literature in the world and spoken by a lot of people in the world, but in this country it is the mother tongue of the rich and it is gatekept from the lower classes. Being a physician I know the suffering of lower classes but it was post 2013 I realised that all of it is inflicted, while these motherfuckers are simultaneously destroying cultures that sustained themselves for more than a millennia, the culture is not evolving, it's being smothered and being turned into a mongrel for further discrimination and exploitation. End point of all psychiatry is economics. It's basically a politco-socio-ecnomic setup where you are an animal, and if these motherfuckers are kinder, then a number, which I had the early access to know that they are not. 

Strawberry Doomsday

I have had the privilege to see this whole country as machine, it was not too pretty but it was what it was. The only reason why I could think is that I was a scientific minded poet who believed in treating mental health issues and cared about the civic realities of this country. As it turns out every ugliness you see in this country is designed, not very carefully, but designed. So the best option that remains is to stop thinking of greater good or public welfare and mind your own business and focus on making money, though that is definitely not a guarantee that you'd be safe. The truth was strange to me, and the realisation of the level at which the control is present made me think about the need to totalitarianism at the psychological level, but then I realised that this totalitarianism is individualised and sporadic and so people can't really empathise with each other. Everything has been taken care of, and now the goal is sadistic delight and schadenfreude, which was baffling to me at first but with a decade of seeing the system at work the reality finally set in. I don't know about existence of actual God, though I believe in Him or Her as an energy despite maintaining my stance of political atheism, I know that the real God in this country is feudal-corporate-mafia nexus. It is what it is and there isn't much to be done except putting your mind at doing your best, at what you do and of course earning money that is the basis of basics that is food, clothing and shelter, everything else is a filler. It might seem reductive but the reality is that majority in this country is living reductive lives and if you ask for dignity for people you would be falsely accused of being communist while the actual communists use iPhones. I have seen the real reality of this nation and it's worse than death so I am not really afraid of death and to be frank I have never really been afraid of death in my life except the natural instinctive reaction towards death. I have seen the shitshow and it's hilarious, a striptease of incompetence and entitlement, though I hadn't expected it at a level where God should be. Anyone who has really been exposed to this country knows that this country never really had quality of life for majority, but it had narrative that fed the delusion of everything is alright to the majority, with the internet that narrative too has collapsed. The best thing you can do, and I repeat it again and again, is try to be happy and master your profession and your art or at least die trying, and have hobbies if you can manage it. There is nothing more to this country and trust me I have seen into its soul. To many this might seem as mad rambling but I just write shit because when the actual reality of this country hits people they have tools to deal with it. Empathy is the key, but by rough calculations one can assume that fifty percent of population of this country is selfish and exploitative, even after leaving egomaniacal, megalomaniacal assholes who actually have the power. Empathy is sure to get exploited in this country and so you must know its judicious employment. I follow the rule of helping people only when they ask for it and I think it is the way to go the way this country is turning out to be and the way indigenous cultures that lasted more than a millennia are getting corrupted. There are still good people around though your relationship with them might get sacrificed on the altar of deep politics of this country. The way is to cultivate a lot of formal and professional relationships and carry only the relationships that don't require effort to maintain. These motherfuckers are doing anything to anyone at this point so having fun while you have it good is of prime importance. 

Affirmation

There is a spectrum and repression and self-expression are on opposite ends of that spectrum. If you are confused about your identity even if you are expressing yourself or think you are expressing yourself all you will express is that confusion inside you. This phenomenon is visible in the LGBTQ expressions these days, which is actually covert political manipulation and repression leading to expression of that confusion by the sufferers trying to assert their identity. If we think with an Indian philosophical lens and with the concept of Dharma, sufferers of gender dysphoria who ultimately transition to opposite gender won't exist, because with the concept of Dharma anyone who feels gender dysphoria would align with the dharma of the body they are born in no matter how dysphoric they are, and with ideological contentment. If we talk straight biology, transitioning is nothing but genital mutilation as your DNA doesn't change after transitioning. This is anyway just one type of political repression. In shame based societies shame is used to control people and cause repression. In a psychological context more shame based a society is, more the individual is prone to unconsciously use repression as a defence mechanism to repress her or his shame (that causes anxiety). It's the psychological equivalent of sweeping dirt under the rug, though the effects of that shame will continue and might take psychosomatic forms even if they are repressed. The individuals who are aware of the shame and have not repressed would try to assert their identity, just as it happens in the case of LGBTQ. How is it that for gays and lesbians their whole identity becomes about their sexuality, while for other people their identity is mostly their profession or education. It is just symptoms of covert oppression of people. If we talk biologically there are just two genders, male and female and if we see with a sociopolitical lens we can add a third gender for people who are born intersex or with hermaphroditism, there has been so much work done in LGBTQ theory which is actually bogus when we see it with scientific lens that return of these individuals into the mainstream seems very difficult. Cases of gender dysphoria which is a psychological or psychiatric condition are blown out of proportion and then surgeries are done to affirm the genders which change nothing except giving a false affirmation by creating artificial sex organs. The truth is that it is political repression, and it expresses itself in different people in different manners, some suffer social anxiety, some severe repression and PTSD and some psychosomatic symptoms. The only real remedy for all of this is learning correct psychological defences and good education, which kind of becomes difficult when political establishment itself acts like an enemy. 

Thoughtspill

Writing on Tumblr is not easy for me anymore. There was a time when it was. I was youthful and experimented once, I wrote like Kafka, or at least tried to, I posed as a lone wolf, wrote poetry with romantic longing and did all kinds of stupid shit until youth faded and I realised the true nature, the financial nature, of the world. There is nothing that can be done about it but we can stand by our business, which, for me, is writing. Tumblr was a sanctuary once, and it is still kind of, though it doesn’t have the same vibe that it had during the late 2000s and early 2010s. Tumblr had a depth once, but then lack of depth is a general problem these days and not just of Tumblr. I have few blogs and still I keep finding myself coming back to record my evolution as a writer and do my projects which I post on Tumblr.

I’m doing a bunch of projects at present, one project is a flash fiction project on this website and another is an imagery project, again, here. So Tumblr is handling two of my projects aiming at improving myself as a writer and at the same time creating something, if not novel, at least readable. I have done a bunch of projects on this website earlier and they were mostly supposed to be flash fiction projects and I don’t know how successful I was in it, but I discontinued them when it seemed to me that they had reached their end. I think it would be three or four projects, including one poetry project that I have done and completed (read: discontinued) here and at present there are two ongoing writing projects and I hope to achieve my goals for starting them. Tumblr is supposed to be my expression as a writer, and although it is not as successful in being so in the present but, in the past it was in expressing the artistic, angsty me, I hope to express the writer, or the writer persona, in me better in the future.

Elementary

When I was studying, I was inspired by Anton Chekhov, one of my goals was to become a physician-writer just like Chekhov and along with him I looked up to Conan Doyle, again a physician writer, and Kafka. Later as life became more complex other inspirations crept in like Lovecraft; and Premchand has always been an inspiration. There have been modern inspirations too like JK Rowling and Neil Gaiman, I appreciate the warmth in Rowling's writing in her Harry Potter series and although I'm not a fan of Neil Gaiman's work or as they say these days, content; I like his craft and style. There are other childhood inspirations like 90s comics writers and people like Anant Kushwaha and Western comics writers like Alan Moore and Frank Miller. My primary inspirations in writing however were Chekhov and Kafka and a bit of Conan Doyle. Chekhov got me into stream of consciousness writing and Kafka got me into the Kafkaesque. Later, Lovecraft became a major influence for me and I became fan of not so much weird fiction but cosmic horror, though I like weird fiction too. I have been reading short stories throughout my life and they are my first love as far as literature goes, and I deeply appreciate masters like Guy de Maupassant and O. Henry. I like Tagore too and one of the most cherished stories of him for me is The Postmaster. We are now living in times when everything is content and serious literature is just depressing literature churned out by circlejerkers of literary circles who most often than not do not have any other option than pimping themsleves at lit fests. The depth in literature is gone and as I matured, I realised why. When I was in college I used to think about going to literary fests such as Jaipur Lit Fest and Comic Cons. It was during my stay in Bihar, of course of all the places, that I realised that even these events are gatekept from people. It is while I was in Bihar I realised that even food items specifically Western food items like pizzas and croissants are gatekept from people, the thing I realised there was you have to be deserving to eat pizzas and croissants even with your own money, and it is then I realised why lower class people don't eat Western food items and even when they do it becomes a spectacle. My original goal was to do my work, which is my clinic, and for leisure visit lit fests and comic cons, which I still can do, but I realised that in a nation where people are systematically prevented from eating food items even with their own money, all these things become redundant. I write because I like documenting the human condition and in present times it has become even more necessary. I also prefer the company of my favorite authors because once you look back at your life and make sense of what actually this country is from your experiences you realise that much of Indian society and people are not worthy of engagement of course that excludes the people you are fond of. It's not fault of people though, everyone is trying to survive the exploitative machine that runs this nation and the basic design is fighting for food packets while they are being thrown from the helicopter. Until you are part of the establishment or have its hand over your head, this reality remains the same and even if you climb social ladders the fight for food packets remains the same just with airconditioning. 

Summary

The thing about conspiracies is that they can be created out of nothing. A common man has to continuously jump hoops around conspiracies of moral, legal and social origin and it is here simplifying life becomes extremely important. Here is what you can do: it's basically about food, clothing and shelter and family, health and money and with it social and financial security. There is a structure that works full-time to create conspiracies in this nation and the smallest unit at which this structure is deployed is village. It maps people's family relationships, social relationships, financial condition and creates problems to sabotage them, sabotaging relationships and finances when there is a chance of upward social mobility, it's as simple as that and everything else is a filler. The most unfortunate thing in this nation is that the major focus of control of people's lives in this nation are families. Family relationships are manipulated and sabotaged to deprive people of intimacy and emotional support, of course it is not the case for privileged families because it is them who employ the individuals in this structure to do what they do to common people. In a common man the control expresses itself as stress and mental health issues while in people more oriented towards action it expresses itself as social and legal consequences and a lot of times good people oriented towards action are framed like that. You can only exercise free will if you can access it, which is very hard to do and only some succeed. It's basically Foucaldian Biopower in a third world country. You can see that there is no God in picture, just invisible absolute totalitarianism. When you can exercise totalitarianism through people's minds and bodies then the drama of democracy can go on forever, it just gives these bastards more field to play their sadistic games and with internet you can see that, as it is clear in the videos of marriages getting ruined and drama of brides and grooms insulting each other and other such videos, it thrives on creating and sustaining drama and collecting moral, religious, ethical and social dirt on people so that it can be exploited. The individuals in this invisible structure exploit any weakness of the people, be it handicaps, illnesses, inferiority complexes even things like having a daughter is considered weakness and here you understand why there are cases of female infanticide and rape in this country. You can be exploited for your social class, region, culture, caste, family background and anything for that matter. When I had to face this structure I made modules of things that really define me to be a part of me. There is a module of Bhojpuri from my Nani's and Grandfather's village, there is a module of standard literary Hindi that I was exposed to during growing up, there is a module of my religious beliefs and there is a module of 19th and early 20th century literary English that has been a part of me growing up. It doesn't actually matter as these motherfuckers are genocidal rapists, acting as both intelligence of this country and the providence but if you are not clear and nuanced about your identity you are going to be exploited throughout your life. As far as relationships go, in the present political scenario, you have to let go of the relationships that require effort to maintain and focus on formal and professional relationships just for the sake of survival. Have no delusions, it's all about money, and it's the local mafia, politicians, old money and godmen of your region connected above to corporations, and the rich. The government is just a working arm. The thing to know it is that these individuals do not need any reason to exploit, they would create reasons if there aren't any and so simplifying life is of prime importance. The best part of this arrangement is that if someone talks about it, he or she looks like crazy but that's the design and that's how it is meant to be. Of course all of it here generalised and people's lives are nuanced, but it is supposed to be a summary of what you would find beneath it all. 

Write Concepts #17

There was a time I wanted to be a part of a creative collective like a musical band or a filmmaking crew, but as life unfolded in front of me I realised that I am better off writing alone because I saw rock bands breaking, movie makers having internal spats and later I realised that a lot (and not all) of these things happening are political in origin and have their reasons in deep politics of this country. As an independent writer I can write whatever the fuck I want and since I have seen that persecution and oppression don't need any reasons in this country and if there is any reason it could be as simple as someone in power not liking your face, I experienced a kind of freedom that most non-delusional NPCs do not feel. It didn't all have to be about money but it actually is and the common man cannot do anything about it except trying to earn enough to get him by everyday. I was watching someone play guitar on the internet today and I remembered when I used to play guitar and how I wanted to learn to play Hindustani classical on spanish and electric guitar and I had enrolled myself in classes twice but then life is hectic. I was inspired by Baiju Dharmajan, who plays Carnatic music on electric guitar of whom I have been a long time fan and I wanted to do the same with Hindustani classical. I was thinking how I could have utilised my creativity had I known to write music, but then I realised that even though I can't write music, I know to write words and I can explore musicality with words. I can still create, and create or at least try to create, good art with words. I can explore my musicality in poem, in the cadence of words and sentences. I write because I enjoy writing, and because I like to create; at present, since my attention span had deteriorated, I'm focusing on prose poetry and flash fiction and if my attention span improves I might work on the ideas of novels that are marinating in my drafts. 

Character Arc

Doing art is difficult when your mind is entrenched in science. I mean how can you express the beauty of the moon when you are hardwired for thinking of it as a satellite of earth that reflects the light of the sun and so the art you create has a bit of science and philosophy in it. I read books and I see literary writers working free of shackles of scientific thought creating metaphors and images that express beauty of the world. I would like to do that and I kind of work on that sometimes but science is too deeply entrenched within me to do it with ease. What I have expressed in the past decade is beyond any science fiction and it is hard to say if it is science but then even magic is science if you know about it and can reproduce it. Being able to produce imagery as an artist independent of science is a good skill and it must be developed by people who are too science oriented. Ability to express science and art expressed independently and together in literature gives the writer an edge that can be used to create more variety in writing. I'm a comic book fan and while I like most of the comic charcters, I have my favourites when it comes to characters in comics, top three would be, The Punisher, John Constantine and Batman. John Constantine is one of my favourite characters in comics, I have immense respect for its creator Alan Moore, and I'm a fan of writers like Frank Miller too. I like the antihero style of John Constantine and also the occult and mystical elements that are present in his stories. I like the idea of a cynical cigarette smoking antihero dealing with hell and demons and it might be one of my favourite archetypes. I like the character of Rorscharch in Watchmen, again by Alan Moore, and quite recently I liked the villain Muse in the series Daredevil Born Again, the character design of Muse was done well in the series and while he is a psychopathic killer, he is also an artist and a martial artist having the capability to fight. I like The Punisher for his violent and instant justice and punishing approach and while it looks good on paper, when one matures one realises that there are nuances to justice and to be like Punisher one must have the discernment to judge who is good and who is truly bad. I like the character of Doctor Strange too, though he is not treated so well as far as stories go in MCU, Benedict Cumberbatch has done justice to it as a character. Since one of my goals is writing pulp inspired from 90s comics I think building charcters with traits I really enjoy in fiction is going to help. 

Siesta

I love my culture but compared to the 90s it has gotten corrupted beyond saving. The issue with this country is that those who preserve the authentic culture are the ones who are tortured the most. I realised that there is no saving cultures in this country anymore because of the exploitation and because the deepest structure of control is corrupt and criminal and all the drama you see is centrally controlled and propagated. Authentic cultures of the land are now just used for one thing, discrimination and preventing social mobility and it's funny that those who control all this didn't even make any effort to preserve things that are being lost. The basic of this nation is simple, keeping people ignorant and then exploiting that ignorance. I hadn't imagined in my wildest dreams that things will be this simple but that's how things are and there in nothing that can be done about it anymore. One of the reasons I write is to make people aware. There is no escaping the exploitation but at least one can be aware of it. At an individual level I have seen what more than absolute totalitarianism looks like, and for that I think I have to give thanks to my supposed hometown or supposed home region, it was an enlightening experience nevertheless and it made me realise that those who run the show in my hometown and home region have absolute lack of self-esteem, which is quite similar in modus operandi with Bihar. One of the things that I noticed that those who run things in my region get the people of the region humiliated and exploited by people from other regions, it's kind of a standard and again it shares a lot of similarity with Bihar. It's an individual thing though, when you are capable you don't really get humiliated or exploited but when the very region you belong to tries it in the very least and its efforts are visible it's a heartbreaking thing. The ultimate realisation for me was my region is run by rapists, extortionists and criminals and a lot of them are actually uneducated, unintelligent and weak, and have masochistic tendencies when it comes to other cultures, regions and countries so they get people of the region humiliated as sacrificial lambs by other cultures and regions. I have never seen Bengalis and Malayalis doing this to their people. It's unfortunate but it's a reality that one has to live with when one lives in a culture which is superior by design but is controlled by inferior and cuckold rapist criminals with God complex. If I talk about the greater nation, the hyperreality constructed all through the 70s, 80s and 90s has collapsed today, the collapse started in early 2010s and I know it because I was a direct witness of the process. It's funny that all it needed to collapse the cultural reality of this nation and bring out its actual exploitative face was the internet, and it again is used for exploitation as is visible with the ongoing scams, and things like pornography being mass produced when it is banned. It's a simple process of rules only being for good people and in this scenario those who follow rules are bound to get left behind. I write because I had perceived the culture in a particular manner, which I later realised was my individual perspective, during my childhood, teenage and youth, and I want to share it. Also, I want to create and hence the creative writing endeavours. In an exploitative setting money becomes the thing to chase, but one must never forget to chase happiness, because the exploitation thrives on sadness and depression and actively manufactures it in the minds of people. The realisation that fates of people in this country are written by actual criminals didn't go down well for me but then it's a reality that I had to accept. What I can do is try to heal people and work on creating aesthetics that give some respite and beauty to tortured souls.

Murphy's Law

I ended up realising that existentialism and nihilism are nothing but responses, to be more accurate, political responses, in fact all -isms except religious -isms are political responses to political oppression, injustices and exploitation. Life is actually very simple, you taking care of your family and being happy, and being friends with those who share your worldview and being civil to others while living with mutual cooperation and in peaceful coexistence. See, the theory is so simple, and it doesn't even need -isms but the game must go on and so -isms of all kind must be there and so must exploitation, rape and slavery, now just behind a facade of modernity and normality. There are strata and by their thirties one must identify the stratum that's chosen for them, many fail to realise it and it gives them undue suffering. Murphy's law states: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. While this can't be a real law especially in science, it is in fact a real law in exploitative societies like India which are optimised for exploitation here the ones in power do not help in making things better for common people but make it worse for them. I wonder if there is one word for this but the concept of negative sum game explains this well, except that it doesn't harm or cause loss to those who orchestrate this game. When the setup is like this adaptation is the only way left, and the adaptation should be such that it causes minimum damage. In the context of present world, it is to be known that power is permanent but its nature is fickle and whimsical. In the past decade I came to realise the unfortunate truth that those who hold power, especially in this country, aren't even intelligent enough in addition to orchestrating conspiracies to keep people on their toes, suffering, and a lot of times making them meet their maker. The illusion of freedom is great while it lasts, but if you are intelligent enough it won't last, and I'm a firm believer that for every good man reality should dawn by the age of thirty and their illusion of freedom must dissipate by that time. Political torture has its methods, there were mediaeval times when political torture used to be physical and now in the so called modern times, the torture and reasons for torture are still mediaeval just at a level where it can't be escaped. When all of it is whimsical, the persecution, the torture, the sabotage, one realises that the nature of power remains the same and that end result of all power is exerting totalitarian control. It's just a human version of a dog wanting to piss on all poles that he can find. So in short, flying cars might be there but freedom won't and that's okay. It's just calls for a time for ditching all -isms, while learning for them, and embracing happiness. Always remember happiness is the natural state of being of humans and once you find happiness within you and bypass the layer of politics within to seek it, no one can take it from you no matter how hard it gets.  

Break From Reality

When I was younger I used to think of escapism as a stupid thing. People escape, some watch movies, some travel, some read books, some drink alcohol, some do drugs, some become fans of sports and celebrities and some go crazy, the ultimate escape from reality. After knowing the true nature of this nation and this world, I now don't think escapism is bad, you just have to pick good things to escape into. My choice is fiction and fantasy. I read books for escape and that includes comic books. Fiction and fantasy, including comic books give you a door, an access, to worlds that you can escape into and in today's time when the reality has turned into hyperreality, fiction and fantasy are as real as the reality. Batman fighting crime in Gotham is a valid alternate reality for nerds, and so is the alternate version of New York where Spiderman swings around. In an Indian context, Mahanagar where Nagraj, the Raj Comics superhero, resides; alternate fictional version of Mumbai where Doga, again from Raj Comics, eliminates crime, and alternate versions of Delhi which the superheroes Parmanu and Tiranga protect are as real as the totally made up reality that we are living in present. My personal style is witnessing and suffering the reality unfiltered and then when I want recreation, going into fictional and fantastical worlds of books and comics. I was really motivated to write an adventure novel in the early 2010s, and this novel marinates in my drafts. It was story about an unwitting young man getting embroiled in a conspiracy way bigger than him and getting inducted into an organisation for working with others to find magical historical relics, an example would be Sher Shah Suri's dagger, from all over the country and the world and they are competing in a race to find the relics with an evil corporation which has a history with the organisation going back to British era. It was a generic concept but when you know enough about stories you realise that every story is generic and it is the treatment and execution that matters. I waited for long to get the ability to execute the story to my heart's content and I'm still working on it. I have concepts of a couple of more novels. It is in mid 2010s I realised that I won't be making my writing commercial, at the very best I would be self-publishing because I had realised that the publishing industry in this country is mostly (not all) a propaganda circlejerk. I like pulp, and I prefer pulp more than depressive literary writing that wins Booker and Pulitzer prizes. I prize good pulp and my goal is writing good pulp, while I might write literary stuff too, pulp is where my heart resides. There isn't really good pulp anymore and most of all pulp now a days, if we consider stories on online audiobook and fm platforms, are not made with good intent. While I prepare for writing my novels, and don't know whether I would be able to do it I think it will be good if I'm able to write pulp fiction on platforms like Wattpad. I would love to write pulp that has literary value too. Wattpad seems a good platform to explore. People like Lovecraft have written for pulp magazines while having literary value and so writing good quality pulp has precedence. World building is important, there is MCU, there was DCEU and now DCU. People escape into these universes to take a break from reality, they enjoy escapism and the fandom. I think writing on Wattpad, and the kind of things that I want to read would help me in writing better stuff for my planned novels. I write for myself and purely for the joy of writing, of creating. Since I don't have monetary aspirations from my writing and my only motivation is writing the kind of things that I actually want to read, I guess that frees me from the obligation of pleasing readers. I want to create worlds that help people escape, and worlds good enough to make them escape and entertain them while not being obligated to please them. 

Neemiya Ke Daar Maiya

I had set a goal for one blogpost a day in which I was pretty consistent, but as it seems writing when one really has something to say on his blog is much better, though I get the itch to write quite often but since I journal daily I think it's better to write on the blog when I really have something to say and I hope that I do get something to say regularly if not daily. I write about the deep politics of this country quite often and that has its reasons. Since I got exposed to it in early 2010s, there was nothing I could do to unsee it and unseeing something that directly affects one's life is not required too. I'm from Purvanchal and it's funny that Purvanchal didn't have any role, or at least overt role, in my life until the mid 2010s. I grew up in West UP and only relationship I had with Purvanchal as a region was my family's culture, the community from my hometown and my village and I actively loved my community as well as culture, it turns out, and I realised it in mid 2016, that Purvanchal functions on exploitative totalitarian slavery, I'm part of this politco-cultural setup of this region and so it's everyone who is a part of this culture and region. It was funny to me that my hometown, and probably the whole region, that boasted of love and community in the 90s, and I was alive at that time to see it, has deteriorated to such a level that people can't even communicate to each other properly. It's been thirty years since the 90s and the ones controlling the region have destroyed the culture as well as the region in such a way that it neither retains authentic culture nor it is modern, it's kind of a depressing mongrel culture in which people who are preserving the authentic culture of my land are exploited and tortured the most. And since this is the state of Purvanchal, I can't even imagine what kind of a shithole Bihar must be and I realised that all the stereotypes about Bihar are true and it is sad that these stereotypes are not born by those who create and cement these stereotypes but the educated and empathetic of the lot but then that's just a common facet of systemic exploitation. It is post mid 2010s I realised that my lovely region and it's lovely people are controlled by genocidal rapists whose sole goals are money and resources through exploitation and sex through rape while depriving the common folk through demonic levels of repression, oppression and systemic deprivation and using their needs to bait them to write their destiny, and for a lot of them, not in a good way. It made me realise that Purvanchal is so called backward by design as this aids in exploitation of people and it's just sad that people's lives even in a backward region of a third world country is not authentic. These individuals are actively ending the culture and classy families of the region and there is nothing that can be done about it because of the level at which it being done, it's a covert system of totalitarian exploitation and it was totally baffling to see religion of Purvanchal that has deteriorated since the past, being actively used for it. I got to see it first hand that those who control the lives of people in the region don't give a shit about the culture and religion of the region, it is for them just a blueprint of control and exploitation which is unfortunate. When I realised it, I decided that I must write it all down whether people believe it or not, or they think of me as crazy, I don't really care. My actual writing goals are different, I want to write different things but when I saw, as a health professional, things that are equivalent to genocide which might not be genocide to common people who don't have knowledge of medicine, I decided that I must write it all out. I wanted to write fiction, fantasy and things like Chicken Soup for Soul and here I get embroiled in deep state drama and realised that my culture has been actively murdered through exploitation since the 90s. I think I have written enough about deep politics and now I can focus on things that I actually want to write about.

Fishes and Chips

Thoughts in the consciousness multiply like fishes in a pond. One thought takes origin from another, and simple thoughts give rise to complex thoughts. They can be divided into thoughts about things, thoughts about other people, thoughts about concepts and ideas and thoughts about other thoughts. Thoughts are important because it is them which translate into emotions, feelings, actions and, to say it more informally, vibes. From here comes the concept of thought complexes and emotion complexes. Everything we know and identify expresses itself as thoughts and emotions complexes. You come to know someone new, and he or she excites some thoughts and emotions in your based on your past experiences and then this chain of thought and emotion complexes continues according to their behaviour and actions and your perception of their behaviour and actions. So, if you love someone there are a lot of involuntary and voluntary emotions behind it, if you hate someone it's the same. This is to be known that people are more than cognitive psychology, they are spiritual beings, but in the Indian setup it doesn't matter because it controls them with Pavlovian psychology which, in humanistic terms, is worse than cognitive psychology. When you are targeted by the structure that governs this nation, which is essentially an exploitative criminal syndicate posing as providence it targets your sense of self and things you derive your sense of self from. The last and ultimate bastion of sense of self is family. It's not your religion, caste, nation, your hometown, your region, your state, the schools and colleges you studied in or anything else even though they will be thoroughly exploited as long as you are alive. When the question of sense of self posed before me while I was being sabotaged I focused it on two things, one my family and another as a human being on planet earth, because by then I had understood that rest of the things don't matter except as blueprints of exploitation in a setup which is essentially slavery. These things exist as markers and you should wholeheartedly accept them but last bastion remains the family. It is setup ofsegregation and stratification and it's whimsical and in many cases individualised. It's the same as a lower class sweeper knowing that he can never become an industrialist. But the catch is not this, the catch is inviting people to a party and then humiliating them. So the basis is not just prevention of social mobility, but also deriving sadistic pleasure from publicly humiliating and defiling them, and when the control is so absolute that social mobility without oversight and selective gating is not possible the whole game becomes about deriving sadistic pleasure and schadenfreude from pain and humiliation of lesser mortals, the unbelievable thing is why would individuals with such absolute power bother about humiliating and needlessly torturing the lesser mortal but that's the whole catch. The strength of this political system is that it is unbelievable and can pose as providence. Here I come back to the thoughts again, and let you know that it is not necessary that your own thoughts, the very thoughts that translate into emotions feelings and actions, might not be yours, and this is how hatred for totally innocent which has an origin in not the hated but the ones who hate and their upbringing and education translates into torture. Of course it is conspiratorial, all of it, and of course it is politics. And it is here that functioning on ideals and codes instead of emotions, and being ready for consequences becomes necessary, because consequences are going to be there anyway it's better to suffer the consequences for things you truly believe in and for the rational among you it's better that those beliefs are thoroughly vetted. It's a war of beliefs, and beliefs are like fishes too, the bigger and stronger one eats the smaller ones, even if that belief is delusional. 

Sahastradhara Quick Commerce

Love used to mean something. Or maybe it never did. You inadvertently make an enemy of the deepest structure that there is, that controls lives and minds and bodies of people. But you are content because you neither started it nor engaged in it. It all escalated, terribly, and you ultimately realised that it's normal, it just presented itself to you differently and by differently it means quite directly. The one thing to know is it's not how you actually are, but how the ones in power see you. The best, or the worst, part is that they don't have to be right. Power allows individuals to never bother to be right, and they can force you to carry the burden of their delusions. They can make sweeping generalised delusions about you and you would be forced to carry them on your back throughout your life. The kind of power being talked about here is not bureaucratic or political power, it is political of course, to be exact sociopolitical and even politico-economic, but the level it is present is deeper than that. It is present in your mind and your body, this colonization. This power decides the fate of you and your loved ones and it is whimsical, because if it can be whimsical to totally innocent people it can be said as whimsical, select few don't count. The game here is of giving the illusion that it is not whimsical, that the way this power affects you and your life has a basis, especially in your thoughts and actions, but that is not the case. It's torture for deriving pleasure and this torture is made analogous to your thoughts and actions. This realisation is the first step to become free of this power, and the truth is that it's only the good people, people who believe in God, morality, law, social conventions, religious tenets and rules and regulations who are not free. The realisation that dawns with ultimate suffering, with God being absent while one is repeatedly humiliated and defiled ultimately brings freedom, and while the choice to embrace this newfound freedom comes with the danger of eternity in hell or being born as animals in the next lives, it is this fear that the ones in power exploit. Embracing the freedom that comes after immense suffering is a choice that everyone has to make for themselves. It is a way to deal with the constant cycle of suffering victim blaming, gaslighting and guilt-tripping. When the truth is mediaeval, modernity fails to sustain itself and one has to create his or her own system to deal with this mediaeval setup that poses as providence while it is actually in many places nothing more than a criminal syndicate. There is no respite in this life, and one can only hope that there is respite in afterlife, if there is any. Hell is here but some people prefer hell of suffering than the hell of uncertainty. Some people prefer certainty of doom than uncertainty of future, and it is better for them to be certain especially when fate can flip anytime and that flip is dependent on ignorance and innocence. It is to be known that if flipping of one's fate depends on their ignorance and innocence, it is in fact not God but criminal exploitation.