The girl whose exam went bad….

Like all the males in the world I too ponder upon this question sometimes. ‘What was God Thinking?’ I mean just think, are they really made from our own rib? One of the chief functions of our ribs is that they help us in breathing, how can someone originating from our own rib suffocate us? But they do and even God can’t help us.

Well suffocating is not the only thing they do. They are blessed with other super powers too. One of them is the ability to make you feel terribly guilty. But the story I am going to tell here is totally different then all this and I let it upon you to decide whatever.

I was sitting in the examination with the physics paper. Yes, you heard it right, sitting, literally. It was because the paper was such that even NASA guys would have taken at least four years to solve it. I was thinking of plans to get pass marks. I wrote all that I could and drew a few infinity to infinity optics ray diagrams and then sat to guess how much good a lenient evaluator can do to me. I counted the marks twice, thrice, four times and decided that if Mother Teresa checks my paper I may well pass. I Sit and go into a flashback….

Tringg..Tring..

“Hello”, I pick up the call.

“Hello, what are you doing?”

“I am trying to study, don’t disturb me!”,

“Oh c’mon can’t you talk to me for just an hour”, tomorrow there is my exam too.”

“I am too tensed to talk, call you later”

“If you keep the phone, don’t call me ever again.”

“What the f…. Ok…. Ok…. Tell me what you want to talk.

“Blah…..blah….blah…. Blah…..”

It went on two hours.

Tringg…. Tring…
Now this was the time up bell. I wake up in present, give my paper to invigilator and drag my sorry butt out of the hall.

She was standing outside the examination hall waiting.

“How was the exam?”, she asked.

“It was like shit”, I blurted out.

“Mine too”, She said with a sad expression.

 At least she couldn’t get away clean with what she did to me. I cheered up a little.

“Let’s go out and eat something.”, I told her.

“I will eat pizza”, she expressed herself.

I mean how could one choose what to eat just after screwing up an exam, I could’ve eaten grass right now. Anyway I followed the orders.
…
Days passed and finally the day of results arrived. I went to school school to check my result. 39 out of 70? Even Mother Teresa can't be kinder. I bless the  person who corrected my answer book and his whole family in one go. I was feeling genuinely happy and as soon as I turned back I saw her standing behind me. I hadn't checked her result yet.

"Hi", she said

"Hi,.. I passed.!"

"Shut up, I did not get good marks."

"Oh sorry,..", I genuinely felt sorry for her.. may be it was her mistake but means guy like me got more than expectation.

"How many marks you got by the way?", I asked sympathizing with her.

"I got only 64 marks", she told me with a weepy expression.

"what 64? out of what? 70?", My eyes popped out.

"then what dumbo", she said still maintaining the gloomy face.
 
"Oh I am so sorry", I blurted out. The vessels in my brain were about to burst. I looked at her she was genuinely sad.


"let's go eat pizza", I told her.

"every time pizza, I mean can't you think some thing good,.. I am so sad.... I want to eat panipuri",,,

I wondered about the realation between panipuri and sadness and then complied.

While walking toward the panipuri stall I was thinking the about difference between 39 and 64 and trying to find a rational explanation. Females use both sides of their brains while males use only one side,... I don't know exactly but I heard it somewhere,... this is the most rational explanation. But I am in doubt about myself, do I use any of the both sides?

I was thinking and watching her eating panipuri. Crunch!! I don't know why but I was able to feel the pain of the panipuri.

A sense of humor.........

People used to tell me that I have a great sense of humor once. People do tell me this sometimes now also when I am in state of hypomania. Man had a tail once, and the appendix also used to function once to digest cellulose when we used to eat cellulose content like cows do. I had a sense of humor once and one of the greatest, it has become like an appendix not yet a tail though.

I think serious man. People still consider me funny. I am some serious fun for them I guess. Well its just my belief that I am something great something like Plato and Socrates, Its a fucking delusion. But those guys were also humans and had the same brains(morphologically, anatomically, physiologically, chemically and all that)inside their brain vault. Am I funny, am I? I mean It's just something like Travis Bickle from the Taxidriver, "you talkin to me?". I am funny? Oh yeah I am. I have the most serious sense of humor if you have got some bloody intellect. I mean if you haven't got enough brain cells in your brain, I aint funny and that's totally cool with me because I don't want to be funny.

Now since I am doing some serious homoeopathy in some serious college sense of humor is up in my arse. I have become a serious phiosopher reading homeopathic philosophy from H.A. Roberts, Stuart Close and great J.T. kent. Reading psycho analytical works of freud and busy coping up with some serious personal shit in my college. I mean when the study is up in your arse and you can't cope with it and atmosphere the sense of humor you tend to have ascends to your portal circulation from your arse and gives you shocks at unexpected times. You can't control it can you, who cares? and who wants to be called funny? That word is made for clowns.

Shit!

Different versions of shit!

College Guys- "oh Shit man!

College Girls- aww shit!

Video game playing guy- shiit! darn!

Rikshawwala- oh sett..

Guy relieved with shit - shit.... yess

Hollywood movie - Oh no shit!

Hollywood movie dubbed - dhat teri ki (oh shit)

Some village boys playing cricket and missing a ball - oh satttt yaaar

Sophisticated aunty - ohh ouch shiat!

Guys falling from a bike - bullshit!

Lectures and Notes....

Don't give me a lecture mom! Yes, we can say this to our mom but we can't say this to our professors. You sit in the class listening to the teacher. It goes on well for a few days but you don't revise what is taught and then the other lectures of the same topic go above your head. You try to listen properly, stare at the presentation, look at the black board but it all goes above your head like a Sukhoi. Now the new topic begins and the same thing repeats. Dude/Gal no one can help you. No one helped me too.

There are some intelligent/diligent students in class who make proper notes from the lectures. They know what is important and what should be noted down. They make point-wise notes which helps them revise in exam.

There are some super-human personalities also present in the classroom who note down each and every word of the teacher. Even if the teacher coughs or burps they will try to note it down. These kind of people get paper and ink free of cost ( i guess) and end up writing more then what is given even in their textbooks. When the exam comes they easily manage to finish one chapter out of ten chapters of the syllabus and confidently go to the examination to show that they will be camping in the same class.

Practically speaking we can't pay attention on lectures everytime (if you are not intellligent/dilligent one of your class) and can't write up everything (if you are not a superhuman moron).

Just imagine a mid-topic lecture in the after-noon just after the lunch. Your whole body weight has concentrated on your eyelids. You can only hear the sweet sound of the moving fan. The voice of the lecturer sounds like a lullaby. You can't make notes like this. So for you people some easy tips:

1. Don't make notes : Its a waste of time. You can listen to the teacher properly in the time you try to write. For notes you can:

A) Make the girl who writes the best notes in your class, your friend.
B) Ask old notes from seniors. Carefully choose the senior you are lending notes from, he shouldn't be a jerk like you.

You can try and write the most emphasized points while listening the lectures, that's not at all bad.

2. Read directly from book : Some people don't like their own hand writing so if you are one of those and even if you are not one of those, try and read directly from the book because in the end they can ask anything for exams.

If you are a super-jerk then i need not explain these tricks to you. I know you have devised your own tricks. Dude/(no gal this time) your attendance is gonna screw you. Attend the lectures for God's sake.

The Hostel

Most of us at first live in hostels when we go to college. Let's see few must haves for a college hostel.

1. A resident (evil) warden : This is a person (male or female) who is bent on making your hostel life a living hell. He/She has received  his training from Hitler and is constantly searching reasons to screw you.

2. Totally non-edible food : This is another speciality of college hostels. Chapatis like papad, sometimes in various colours like black brown, grey etc.Paneer is such that you can use it as an eraser. And yes these are on special days (obviously you get paneer 2 or 3 days in a week only). The normal food(on non special days) tests your ability to taste.

3.Chowkidar(the watchman) : This guy is a real asshole if you ain't good to him. You need to keep his pockets warm or at least be sugar sweet to him otherwise he will burn your ass out. He is the one who always knows at which time you went out of the hostel, when you returned and all other crap, so just keep him in good terms.

 4. Assholes : these are special creatures found almost in every hostel. These are of various types:

a) Informant assholes : These are the spoons of a big bowl called warden. You gotta beware of this kinda assholes because they can rip your own apart by transferring the valuable info like what you said about warden or teachers.
b) Simple assholes : They don't do anything much but you don't like them. You just hate them for no reason ie. you simply hate them. That's why they are known as simple assholes.
c) Shitting assholes : Now they are real problem, whenever you are getting late for college and you have to get ready, they are already in the bathroom. When ever you feel you can't hold your defeacation reflex, they are already in. They always keep shitting or bathing and mostly when it is extremely urgent for you.

5. Naukrani (the maid) : Mostly female(well maid is always female by the way) this person does all the things like cleaning the corridors, the shitpot and all other things which you don't even know being done. She is generally harmless until you keep locking your door.