Pesto Sauce

Living authentically is important. I didn't give shit to these new age wisdom kind of things earlier, but then in 2013 I started to have the real taste of this nation. Spoiler alert: it's not Amul. I suffered mostly the whims, arrogance, entitlement and delusions of individuals I might not even know but unfortunately or fortunately I was equipped to make sense of things happening to me because I was preparing, due to scope of my job, to heal people, until I realised that healing is not really possible in this country. People are sick because they are supposed to be sick as it helps sell medicines and hospital beds. It's demonic necropolitics posing as a democracy at its finest. As a physician I don't meddle with cases that I can't handle though accidents and misjudgment are bound to happen but I have seen doctors at critical places not equipped, and I mean that at a personal level, to handle cases that come to them. I retrospected on my life and I realised I was in the soup since the start and it is my suffering that pushed me into being a physician ultimately leading me to realise that I live in a necropolitical kleptocratic decentralised oligarchy posing as a democracy and I absolutely had no business with knowing all this shit I just wanted to do my job peacefully. In the 90s retreat in your cocoon of safety was possible, now all the avenues have been closed and in the name of entertainment you have substandard hyperreal mafia shows or voyeuristic staged reality shows. These bastards copy the west but they can't because artists in the West are authentic artists as well as as authentic as people as their politics allows them to be. They have deleted refinement from the lower classes, rooted cultures, folk cultures and traditions and replaced them with dogmatic beliefs and superstitions. I have experienced it and so I know that it's absolute slavery coupled with focused exploitation. Like it happened to me, all avenues where I could express my authentic self, my real me had been blocked. Expression is not that important though, the problem began when others ideas of what and who I am were imposed upon me. I always wanted to be a writer, long before I knew the truth of existence and by the time I was capable writing as an art itself became redundant. The base engine of this nation is operated by extremely rapey, entitled and incompetent individuals and what they decide ends up becoming fate for the people. Just like in Jesus's time they don't know what they are doing, I mean they know what they doing as far as intent is concerned but they don't have the ability to understand the technicalities of means they are using to translate their intent into reality. The method used on me was suppressing my authenticity and imposing a made up personality which extremely disagreeable to me on me and I am not the kind of a guy who asserts himself I adapt according to the people in front of me but the beauty of the shithole that we live in is they don't bother about the amount of force that is used on people and this happens when the drama of democracy keeps going on. 

Train Crack

I have had extreme experiences in my life and I was amazed that what I witnessed happening was possible. I chase authenticity. I have seen illness, both objectively and subjectively. My job is to see illness. After sometime when you deeply understand theory of illness you realise that it's mainly getting weak enough to get affected by something more strong than you. Except of course infections that can't be negotiated with. Society has its disease and sometimes society itself is a disease. I think personally I am at a place where don't need to know more about the world. Anything I come to know will just be the missing pieces in jigsaw puzzle that the world or life is. I'm an idealistic person and I strive for my ideals and I have been able to achieve them. People generally end up achieving their ideals at my age and I did the same. Then there are people who are not idealistic and are materialists and they live in a hell that is continuous, hoard and if can't hoard, deprive others to have more than them. I am glad that since start I have had the habit of prioritising. I prioritise. I also have habit of making philosophies that I have follow. Codes that I try to live by. There are two philosophies: one is, one bag man, and that means extreme minimalism as a personal philosophy. This doesn't mean that I don't acquire things, it just means at the base I am a man who can live with one bag worth of things. There is another philosophy that I developed when life became extremely hard and that was The Philosophy of The Dog and this means you got to live life like a dog. Eat, sleep, wander and one fine day get run over by a vehicle. Getting run over is not mandatory. Philosophy of the Dog went through some tests and passed them. I believed in it, then I ended up thinking that humans are more complex than that but after I came to know about the deep politics that runs the world I realised that it is a perfectly okay philosophy for the times we live in because the time of making art, music and writing poetry or even making computer programs has passed. We live in times where we have to consume with our own money and get fat with whatever we are consuming so that we can be extracted or exploited for it and this shit is non-negotiable and the only difference is some people are aware of it and some are not. Just as there are infections of microorganisms, there are social infections too. You can contract them if you become visible to social pathogens and this is a thing that you can't really avoid. There is no cure, there is prophylaxis. Only thing that helps is awareness and education. You have to be aware of your self, your patterns and your actual leanings so that you can make out what is real you and what is not, inside you. There is a particular philosophy that I developed, which was being like a detachable component as far as society is concerned. Being able to function on my own and be part of a larger whole when required. Functioning on one's own requires a degree of autonomy which is a privilege in today's times and the irony is that those who have the autonomy are too privileged to exercise it. The interference of politics in personal especially in the country we live in makes one promptly realise that they are ruled by extremely incompetent and cruel individuals and that's why the ability to adapt to situation is essentiaI though I know that it would end of me if I have to forgo my principles but it's the individual who decides what they want to die for. I know the things that I want to spend my time and life on and this is a good thing especially in a setting of chaos and especially in a setting where people are running around purposelessly. As far as I have experienced, and it's not the general truth but my own experience, that one creates their purpose themselves, and I used to believe in a higher purpose of existence but ended up realising that there isn't because it is blocked by the politics that runs the world and if it can be done, for me at least, higher purposes cease to exist and anyway we are born with an inbuilt purpose, our and our families survival. It's just that the politics pervading our life decides whether we are in survival mode or in the thriving mode. The evidences of thriving art, culture, literature and poetry are now being done by machines so all that remains is to enjoy whatever vocation one has chosen for self and the job that brings food on the table while negotiating with non-negotiable social infections and the dealing with predators through awareness and continued education.

Thousand Cuts

It's about the contrast of what do you think the world is and what it turns out to be. This is a conversation that one ought to have with themselves. It's all about the contrast. High human capabilities and emotions do not thrive in a survivalist situation. And high human capabilities and emotions do not take birth when you try to nurture and grow them from a place of privilege. A compassionate and empathetic person place in a setting of survivalism is already living the worst hell possible. But it is not about him. It is about those who are doing the placing. It's all in the mind they say, and they are right, but but it is also embodied. Suffering, and any amount of mental suffering won't be that big of a suffering if it is not embodied. Someone weaponises your conscience, the limits of your conscience are the torture chamber you are in and will be tortured in that torture chamber and in this setting the individual with no conscience at all experiences radical freedom and hence if you talk about India, the better the person you are the more you suffer it is either this or you are always on your toes which again is a form of suffering. Places where intimate and elaborate political torture can be applied on whims and not even on actual reasons lose their legitimacy and legitimacy then only remains as forced control. That place is just functioning on might makes right. Here is an example, the newly famous influencers of social media going through humiliation rituals as they go through like their MMS clips going viral or they getting in some online arguments that blows up, a state that sets this up through deep state so that crowd keeps getting their circus of breads and circuses if revealed to be the state itself in front of the crowd the whole legitimacy of the state would become redundant. What is the deep state? And I know this answer in detail. Sex, rape, drugs, humiliation rituals, blackmail, extortion and all such things of this kind. Where this country has made itself illegitimate is that this deep state has access and control over a kindergarten boy or girl. You understand what this implies? The whole country is at its base a rape chamber. The best part is people only get circuses not because the state wants to keep them pacified through them it's because the ones organizing the circuses revel in the misery of those whose mms clip went viral, because everyone knows how hard, unless you are privileged, it is to earn bread in this country. I have seen cases where the whimsical recreational sadistic torture has evolved into state persecution. The implication of it is one single individual can weaponise the whole state machinery against people and rewrite their past and future. You know who can do that? God. Some depraved asshole out there is God. Anyone can be made dispossessed because the machinery for humiliation rituals and dispossession with its mechanisms already exists, you offend someone in power or as I have seen you don't even need to offend sometimes you are walking on the road and someone in power doesn't like your face and your whole family history, your whole life your future can be rewritten and when this can be done the promise of the state collpases and it just remains as a travesty. I have seen cultures getting weaponised. Personally if I talk about my culture the motherfuckers ruling it have weaponised what were the merits of my culture, they weaponised the authenticity of my beautiful beautiful culture and now my culture only remains as a fake hyperreality with machinery of divide and rule working overtime.

Chicken Dominator

What do you do when you achieve absolute calm. When what's happening around doesn't really bother you. There are things to do still like earning a living, doing your duties. There is a difference between being dead inside and achieving absolute calm. You become dead inside when the pressure is overwhelming, you achieve absolute calm when you realise that you have done your best and there's nothing more that you could do. There is quote by Che Guevara "One has to grow hard but without ever losing tenderness." I'm just glad that I read this quote in my youth and I ended up getting hardened without losing my tenderness. Right ideas at right time can be lifesavers. If you have children you must teach them that two best friends they have, especially in today's world, are plants and books. I don't know if human to human friendships will survive the political times we live in, but plants and books will have humanities back for as long as they are in the picture. I have been alive for quite a while and I have seen the pattern of everything getting either commercialized or weaponised. This is a never ending process because humanity if it didn't overcome its tribalism 2000 years after Jesus it's not going to do that ever. It's a simple idea of a bunch of individuals with similar goals coming together to dominate another group of individuals and the goal itself might be domination, wealth and women it has always been and when the curtain of civilization lifts from a person's eyes they realise it will always be like that. I have read Thich Nhat Hanh, I have read Eckhart Tolle and while these were people who had ascended one suffers the politics and in doing so understands it and realises that ascension in itself is dependent on political permission but this doesn't make these people not great because they had their tribulations and tests. There are ways people can ascend, it's either by deprivation or excess. What rules over people ascends by excess and ascension by excess always is dependent on others, it requires a slave class permanently and having a slave class necessitates domination. When you remain in the business of domination being predatory becomes your nature and it is here the group dynamic helps, tribalism helps, you gather a bunch of individuals and dominate and prey on a group of people and if you can do it without being seen you become, at least at the physical plane, God. I do not consider myself ascended. My job is of seeing patterns and I see the patterns and after a while one achieves singularity in what they do. I, after I became responsible for myself, checked myself from becoming greedy. I was never greedy however I realised a thing that the worldly God might have different plans for you than what you have for yourself. Here comes a state where you get everything you want, of course through your own hard work, but nothing that you truly need. It's frustrating but as I ended up realising that it is a feudal technique used in the country we live in for keep people from becoming content so that the discontent can be weaponised at will and this thing is done by weaponising lower class functionaries who are jealous of what you have. Here is an example, you wanted to become a doctor for your grandfather but your grandfather dies before you could really become a doctor. Or you wanted to marry a man or a woman who understands what you say or vibe with you but you get a discontent or greedy spouse who only think about themselves. Imagine the amount of cruelty involved in executing these kinds of scenarios. And this cruelty is not the kind of cruelty done by Hitler or Ghengis Khan, it is a cruelty that lives with you, it is cruelty which is seen when tribalism establishes itself and sets up its network well enough to engage in biopolitics and necropolitics. While people like Hitler end up getting etched in history for being monsters, mini Hitlers infinitely more cruel than him engage in biopolitics and necropolitics in your small town or city which doesn't even have proper infrastructure. When you get aware of this setup, all your needs die and this is because you realise that even fulfillment of your needs is not organic, you are just an Pavlovian dog, a pawn in a greater 6D social chess. What is the bait for a man? Pussy. What is the bait for a woman? Wealth. And I say this because refinement in the present world has been deleted. Now you can't think like a man wanting a kushal grihani with Hawkins pressure cooker or a girl wanting a office worker wearing a suit. People have switched to basics because they have subconsciously realised the game. What rules doesn't even allow people to even be fully human and with civilization and traditions collapsing and a faux mongrel culture being setup, chances are very low that people would ever get to feel human again. It's knowing the truth of existence that gives calm. A slave can be calm because he knows what the truth is, while his master with his greed for more doesn't even have an idea that in his greed he has destroyed the meaningfulness of everything he wanted.

Prasaran

The hallmark of impune authority and unchecked power is that the person on the recieving end is forced to question his thoughts, speech and actions again and again despite being right. It's a sort of gaslighting through intimidation and at the base of it all is either survival or a person who wants to do the right thing. Indian epics are beautiful things, when you are happy you see the gods doing their dharma like Lord Rama and Lord Krishna and Arjuna doing his dharma through teachings of Lord Krishna. When you are in pain, you see that it is in fact about wealth and women. Ramayana, wealth and women. Mahabharata, wealth and women. The monkey business goes on no matter how supposedly evolved the humans become. Like they say in corrupt circles of this country, it's not wrong until you get caught and this whole country works on this principle. One of my favourite movies, 16 December, had a dialogue, "mera Bharat mahaan, sau main se ninyanbe baiman". It's an understood thing when one thinks about this country and we have been living with it. The bafflement for me arrived when I realised that the very core, the very soul of this nation is corrupt. Being a physician I can guess what can recover and what can not. It's basically islands of necropolitics connected at the top with individuals who lie to themselves and can't see things properly in their true form but they can see everything. Their idea of you is not what you really are but what they think you should be and they will make you carry their delusions of what you are on your back. The cognitive dissonance is mind boggling. The story does end here. A good man who only gets involved in corruption when it comes to the question of survival of their family and them is at the maximum risk of getting scapegoated because they don't know the trick of not getting caught. Living your life without getting involved in corruption in this land is a privilege and if you are able to do that that means the hand of God is on your head. Personally since I realised that family is the only authentic institution left I have been personally open to the game, I play it. The worst thing about this country is that it breaks the souls of people and this means a shopkeeper or a potter can't enjoy their shopkeeping or pottery because first their souls are broken in a way that says they couldn't crack the UPSC or couldn't do their intermediate with science or the more unfortunate one, didn't have an education at all and then that shopkeeper sells his or her bitterness with his items or the potter makes his pottery with bitterness and not with flow that comes with the art of pottery which is also his business. It's unfortunate but this what we have to live with and it is when you realise that at least the current BJP is not lying like older BJP and Congress into letting people believe School Chale Hum or Mile Sur Mera Tumhara.

Valentine Swayamvar

If there is one thing that you need to deeply understand about this nation it is that all the projection of benevolence, welfare and order is fake and all the cruelty and chaos is real. Life gets easier once you accept this fact. The only institution that matters and yet can be weaponised is family. At present, and actually since the start, this nation is a pay to win videogame. Earlier I used to think that goons who harass couples in parks on valentine day believed in dharma, I mean not the actual dharma but at least their interpretation of it, I become mature and realise they are just opportunists who search for an opportunity to harass and rape people, there is context here that a lot of them may not have awareness and might be bots but what guides them has. There is no solution to this problem because of several reasons and those reasons are that these motherfuckers feel entitled to lives and bodies of people and that's non-negotiable, they are incompetent, they are cowardly, they are extremely cruel, hypocritical and opportunistic and differential in the power dynamic is absolute. Rape is the core of this nation and once one understands it things become easier. The metaphysical arrangement of this nation stratified and there are two stratas, impunity in the upper and chaos in the lower. The most hilarious thing that I witnessed is that these bastards are hoarding beauty for themselves and depriving other people of beauty and aesthetics one of reasons folk and traditional aesthetics either went extinct or became performative. You can't really know or preserve aesthetics if your priority is rape and creating discord between people and communities plus there is an added benefit of people becoming rootless and dispossessed if folk and traditional aesthetics go extinct or become performative with all the substance beneath them getting eroded. The ultimate of being able to identify this happening is that every institution whether the government or regional will betray you, except family which too can be manipulated to betray you but anyone who truly loves their family doesn't mind that. Other than the major stratification the lower half of the strata has mindless stratifications in every level where people are made to compensate for faults that are not even theirs, it's an option between targetless compensation and suffering and you have to choose your poison and if you choose suffering there are chances that you will propagate it on your family or weak people. There might come a time when what your family and you have done in life, if they have done good, the whole credit of it will be taken by the whatever entity it is, while all the transgressions you have committed are exclusively yours. It's quite unbearable to realise that your life is a gift from incompetent rapists who only know the art of negative attention. Solution to all this: family, money, work, nature and the night sky, your hobbies and interests which give your life meaning. 

Ginti

You have a dirt bike and you sit in a village temple compound writing poems to The Mother. Or writing literature. You seek what you are. People are into slow living and those who are into fast living, most of them are reaching nowhere. I got myself an Xpulse 200 the closest thing to dirt bike you can have in this country. It was not for style some people are dirt bike people. Some people are cafe racer people. Some people are man bun people. I have two modes, a man bun mode and a military haircut mode, a dirt bike mode and cafe racer mode and the work, occupation, the job, the livelihood fills the space between these two modes. I see my weight, I check my HbA1C and I realise that I am on a journey of becoming a diabetic fatass. At least I don't have discontent, at least I'm not bitter. The work, the occupation, the job, the livelihood demands me to choose a drip to access it. Fat rimmed glasses and a checked half sleeve shirt it is though you don't bother about it, you wear anything that you get your hands on, drip is for when you are who you think. The one who you think you are has been choked inside you. And you see people putting anything and going to work and you do the same. Always remember work is more important than the drip. Drip is for mating season mostly and my kind of women don't bother about the drip, they don't bother about aura or its farming and they don't mind my negative aura. Work is more important than the drip. Always. You read a poem and identify the vibe. That vibe is now consumed by survival, the actual slow living. Gone. What remains is the memory of a poet, a poem that is not mine and yet spoke to me and you can see if it speaks to you:

याद है तुमको एक दोपहर

बिस्तर पे आँधी, लिपटी सी

अधजागी आँखों से तुमने

नापी थी जिस्मों की दूरी

और कांपते होठों से तब

नाप लिया था बदन तुम्हारा-

तीन लंबों की सुर्ख उँगलियाँ

चौदह का एक हाथ मखमली

चार लंबों की प्यासी गर्दन

तीन के गाल, पाँच के तलवे

याद है तुमको कैसे दिनभर

उलझे थे हम इस गिनती में?

और आज तक ये पैमाना

गिनता ही रह गया है तुमको

तुम जो नहीं तो गिन लेता है

सूने बिस्तर की हर सिलवट

छिलता जिस्म उधेड़ती करवट

साँसों का गहरा सन्नाटा

बंद लिफ़ाफ़े, कुछ खाली ख़त

बस जो वो गिन सका नहीं है

चार कदम जो तुम तक पहुँचे

बाक़ी तो सब गिन रखा है...

- https://www.tumblr.com/ankush-music

It's not necessary that a poet suffers, but he loves and loving is suffering in most cases. Doing is what matters, not becoming. People who do do not bother about becoming and this is a thing that people should know early in their lives. A fatass with increased HbA1C doesn't bother about what he becomes for he knows that you are what you seek and he is happy in the journey of seeking.