Shortform Therapy

We live in times when mental health is everything. India as a country is governed through psychosocial designs and thus a lot of mental health depends on social relations. My personal approach is of defining my relationships and I had to do this when I realised that the bottom line reality of this country doesn’t allow for sentimentality in relationships and when it does it is bound to get exploited in future and so “choosing the ones one is ready to suffer for” is the better approach. Another approach I took was that I stopped thinking about people at all, unless of course it is necessary for survival or otherwise. I think about ideas and things and so when I get thoughts about people I end up knowing that it is not me but psychosocial designs. In India, hell is other people. You don’t suffer yourself, you suffer others and so simplification is absolutely necessary. Another thing that is important is to keep a journal and to learn to find your voice in the rubble of psychosocial and psychopolitical designs. And one should always ask questions to oneself. Asking questions to oneself is absolutely required in the political reality we are living in present because this is the only way you’d end up knowing what you truly want though it is absolutely important that you are confirm that the answer is yours and not bypassed through the politics in your head. There are psychosocial thought complexes, of fear, of shame and other emotions especially negative emotions and to keep your mental health good you must be able to simplify and resolve these thought complex. It is important to resolve the conflicts in your mind and you must ask yourself first the answers you are seeking. Poverty and dysfunctional families not only cause mental health issues but also sustain it. Money and love of family are very important for mental health as they are for survival in fact they are the primary treatment for mental health issues. Most mental health issues are not true mental diseases but of sociopolitical origin and finding out whether one has a genuine mental issue or sociopolitical oppression helps with self-blame. Mental health is a stigma for the sole reason that what rules people in this country doesn’t want the people, especially those who don’t have the hand of providence on their heads, to become the best version of themselves. When you can’t talk about mental health you can’t take corrective steps because all action begins with acknowledgement of issues that one has. Resolution of thought complexes are important and one can play it as a game of solution, giving solutions to self like they are giving advice to someone in their position. Having second person and third person perspectives of one’s problems helps immensely. It all ultimately boils down to money and family support if we are talking mental health though it doesn’t mean a person lacking them can’t survive without them, it would just be more difficult. Having an ideological and ethical framework according to one’s beliefs and personality is important so that one knows that they are actually playing their own game and not of others.

 

Life Forty-seven

I love literature and I love writing. I first started writing in the late 2000s and that time was different. People used to have personal blogs back then where they used to express themselves or document their lives. Just recently I saw people doing that again on my Wordpress feed and on Substack. I look back at my late 2000s and early 2010s blog with me expressing my will to help people with my knowledge of medicine and writing slice-of-life, travelogues and poems and short stories. Back then I did not know that this country is run by a criminal syndicate projecting itself as providence and my supposed home region of Purvanchal is run by protection racket. Back then I took life as it came and while I still do that I also tend to anticipate things. I have lived an extremely tough life but I have thoroughly enjoyed it because I know that if my life was not tough I would have made it tough by choosing an interest like mountaineering. In late 2000s I recorded my life and thoughts on a blog and now in late 2020s I still to the same however redundant it might have become. I have made and discarded numerous blogs along the way because I wanted to have the vibe just right and now I think it is in case of my blogs. I proofread my formal blogs such as my Substack and Medium with AI because I do not get time to correct grammar and other mistakes, the main goal however is conveying the idea. This particular blog is for intimate writing but it ended up becoming political as I ended up realising personal is in fact political and if one is not privileged all art ends up becoming political. I write about my interests such as book, comic books and pop culture on my Wordpress blog and I also maintain a lifestyle blog. I think I have written enough for the diagnosis of human condition in present times and for awareness and now I must focus on my interests, which is writing fiction. I think my writing would pass the test of writing but I also believe that one shouldn't hesitate in writing just because they are afraid their writing wouldn't pass the test of time because writings are evidence of the times people have lived in and it doesn't matter whether they pass the test of the time. Long form writing is mostly extinct in this country except the recent small peak that I saw on Substack and Wordpress feeds and some longform writing in Hindi that is present on Facebook. I however continue to write and hope to write some fiction that satisfies and entertains me above all. When one can't find the fiction that entertains them they must create it and it is especially true in today's times, the era of shortform videos. The issue with fiction I face is negotiating it with the reality I have faced in my life that is stranger than fiction and it is the reason for the inertia in my fiction writing though I hope that it would get resolved. Writing is a hobby, an interest and a vocation, and for me it is mostly a hobby and a vocation and I practice it as an art and for bringing awareness to those who read me. I had given up the thought of having writing as my vocation when I realised becoming a published author is not an organic thing based on talent but a game of contacts in this country though I might end up self-publishing some of my work later in life. 

Chicken Salami and Virgin Mojito

One of the most important skills is to be able to talk to yourself. You can do it on paper or you can do it vocally though you will crazy talking to yourself and so I recommend doing it on paper and keeping a journal is the best way to do that. It is important to know what you truly want and talking to yourself allows you to do that. Keeping a journal is important for mental health and always stress on keeping a journal. I live without preferences and it is through this habit I was able to find out my innate preferences though I can live without them too. I was a friendly guy till 2013, and it is after my experiences post 2013 that I became consciousness and it is through my experiences post 2013 along with my professional skills that I developed an ability to identify people. One has understand that some people in this country are born with their fates sealed and it is to be recognised that this sealing of fate is not of a divine origin but of a political origin and from here comes my philosophy of doing the best you can within the constraints you have, if nothing you don't have regrets of not trying enough later. There is one thing that should be learned deeply about the country we live in, that it functions more on perception than actual substance though people who are honest will always chase substance over perception. There was a time post 2013 that everything I did felt wrong and it can happen due to political interference in one's life. Anything you do will feel wrong as political frameworks governing one's life can be tightened by the entity that governs live of people in this country. Here is an example: laughing at a man slipping on a banana peel would feel like an unforgivable crime but it is human to laugh at such a thing and it doesn't make one a bad person especially if one runs to help that person after or while having a good laugh. The discovery that I made about this nation post 2013 is that the employed workforce that governs lives of people in this country is composed of tyrannical potential genocidal rapists, it is their conditioning and that means with all the drama of kundalis and horoscopes people's lives at the deepest level is at the mercy of potential genocidal rapists who are also incompetent and here is how it works: they function on extremes and that means absolute anarchic freedom for themselves and absolute tyranny for their victims and that means extremely selfish criminals who have impossible standards of moral, and in case of places like Purvanchal, religious, conduct for people. When someone is sabotaged by the deep state of this country it works at all the levels, familial, economic, professional and social and the most important, their reputation. I have faith, but organised religion of this nation ended for me when I experienced the feudal-criminal core of this nation that connects seamlessly with the corporate. While this might seem paranoid I agree on Kejriwal's assessment of the situation that "sab mile huye hain ji". When shit got real for me in the mid 2010s I thought maybe I made some mistake and was experiencing hell, though on retrospection I realised only mistake or if we are pushing it "sin" that I did was jacking off on internet pornography in my college days. So as it turns out while I was in hell it was not of a divine or for that matter even demonic origin it was political and socio-economic for the most part though it is enforced by criminals who are essentially spiritual parasites who weaponise a person's own self against them. The motherfuckers are demonic and murder of people and families is their daily business and this is how events like Burari murders happen or it is how marriages get ruined and become a humiliation ritual in hinterlands of Uttar Pradesh. Marriages were a sacred thing up until the 90s and I know because I have participated in them during 90s. People's lives are now spectacle and it is so because these motherfuckers feed on people's suffering they enjoy the humiliation of the bride or groom when the wedding gets cancelled due to someone getting offended due to absence of gulaab jaamun in the wedding menu. It is here it is important to always keep in mind that the origin of all of it are feudal-criminal and socio-economic. The base layer of existence in this country as I ended up realising is rape and that sustains at a subconscious level, and thrives on the amnesia of people. These individuals are technically gods because the surveillance as well as control is total and awareness is gained only when psychic immunity kicks in against the false consciousness. While this might all seem like a delusional conspiracy theory I write it because people for whom shit hits the fan can identify the mechanisms and do not feel alone as shit hitting the fan in this country doesn't depend on how good or moral you are, in fact it only makes you more vulnerable as the base reality itself is rape and predation, it might just be someone you don't even know not liking your face. 

Tarantino Barjatya

I diagnose suffering through my writing but what's the treatment? There is no cure for this condition, especially in a socio-political and feudal arrangement where people's family histories and memories are being destroyed in retrospect to, for the most part, prevent them from socio-economic mobility. I have seen it and it's like an elevator ride through the socio-economic strata. I'm from considerably well off family by its own standards but I have seen poverty, and this poverty wasn't poverty actually as I was eating what I wanted to, watching OTTs, sleeping in air-conditioning. The kind of poverty that I felt was an induced mental state despite being skilled in what I do, and my work not being dependent on job creators, an inability in becoming self-reliant. I did my best and I do my best, but then imagine someone in my condition and without food, contacts and air-conditioning. The violence on me has not been purely structural or psychological, it has been physiological and without any basis, and by basis I mean basis in morality, ethics, social conventions and law. It's funny that after my medical degree I wanted to specialise in physiology, the same domain in which I was violated but then as my knowledge and experience grew I realised that this is a systemic arrangement and at a deeper level whimsical hatecrimes or predation is committed and then the victim is blamed for their own downfall and then eliminated and it all ends up looking like fate or God's will. When actually God is nowhere in this arrangement except being a tranquilizer or something that accompanies one in their suffering. Since there is no cure for this arrangement only prescription that I have in such a setting is having fun and as much as possible, creating good memories for oneself. Unfortunately ability to create good memories too is a structural allowance, a provision by the so-called providence which in this country is a criminal syndicate populated by informal participants and possibly from individual who hold formal positions too. So, as it goes, only prescription remains in this case is to have fun. A rickshawala who drinks his desi pouch in the evening knows this thing subconsciously and acts accordingly. The privileged can have vast lives but unfortunately they are what they are, privileges. The best part of it was that I had no business in it, I had offended no one who was in power, did nothing that would offend power and took the violence for more than a decade until I realised that there is predation of totally helpless and dispossessed going on in this country by individuals totally undeserving of the power they have been given to exercise. I couldn't do much so I just decided to name the mechanisms and I can't really be blamed for it because since the start my style was to do my work and mind my business and when I became the earning edge I quietly chose my corner, social, professional and economic wanting to silently devote my time to my work. There is zero authenticity in a country even in the backward regions in which you would expect organic existence, when there is no authentic and organic existence in a third world country then there is not much left to discuss and debate after that. 

Robodogs of Pavlov

The past decade for me has been a decade of realisations and it ended up destroying most of my illusions. I ended up realising that there is nothing deeper to humans other than earning money, eating, shitting and sleeping and things like love, in the political setting we live in, is a privilege and majorly a tool for exploitation. Depth of humans, in the present times is just an additional design. Though I am a deep man and I feel deeply and that's why I used to write poetry when I was in college. However feeling deeply is not enough you need intellectual depth too which I cultivated intentionally. My goal was to cultivate a depth that was present in people of early 20th century, a depth similar to my grandfather's while understanding that the deeper arrangement of this conducive to intellectual depth as it profits from keeping people psychologically sedated. Here are the basic truths of socio-economic existence of this country, money and contacts. The deeper reality however is composed of money, resources and sex which due to the absolute edge in power dynamic of the ruling class expresses itself as exploitation and rape which the common person experiences as fate or just life. I simplified life, realising that emotions are just additional designs especially after realising that a false consciousnesses can be imposed on people politically. Though the silver lining was the realisation of the beauty of nature, the realisation that our mind or consciousness posseses a psychic immunity similar to body's immunity which rejects the false consciousness once it becomes aware of it however it can't overcome the false consciousnesses and has to live with it and negotiate with it constantly due to the psychopolitical design throughout life. One has to understand that majority of what we see as spiritual afflictions are actually psychopolitical designs which mimic spiritual afflictions, I however, am an open minded person so I don't reject paranormal and supernatural though given the empirical reading of the society it seems that even the paranormal and supernatural can be used as technologies and if paranormal and supernatural existed independent of power and class the fate of the lower classes wouldn't have been as consistent as an empirical reading of the society shows it to be. Depth, except the ability to feel deeply which might be innate, is an additional module though intellectual depth, other than through deep study and experience, is also helped by the ability to feel deeply. In the present society depth serves no function except being a module, which for the majority and especially the lower classes only increases their suffering as it makes them more exploitable than the others. The deep "adminstration" of this country is Pavlovian in nature and that means it relies on manipulating perception and experession and guiding people through conditioning based on fear, desire and repetition. It's simple manipulation of input and output of the unit that is the individual and guiding them like a dog salivating at the sound of bell even though the real food never arrives and leading people by hanging of carrot like in the carrot and stick arrangement. While depth is totally not required in the present society we live in, those who already feel deeply must engage intellectually to develop intellectual depth especially for being able to name the mechanisms of exploitation. 

Opposing Force

Ph.D. is a stressful degree but I wanted to do it for quite a few reasons, first it would help me specialise in research through understanding of subjects such as Research Methodology and Statistics and second my father is a Ph.D., the third reason is related to my childhood when I used to play Half-Life, a great game which is one of top games of all time, where the protagonist is a Ph.D. When it used to flash "Gordon Freeman, Ph.D., MIT, Theoretical Physics" on screen, it looked very cool. Real PhD, specially in the shithole we live in isn't really cool, it's humiliating and like all other domains riddled with mafia. My main goal is being able to be better in research methodology so that I can design my personal research and use statistics/biostatistics for my research as till now most of my research has been empirical in nature. At a personal level I specialise in psychosomatology but I do not have a specific formal credentials for this specialisation though I do have general credentials to deal with psychosomatology. It is through my research in psychosomatology that I ended up knowing the psychopolitical nature of our existence and when shit hits the fan psychopolitically people can end up losing hundred percent of their autonomy and yet would be held a hundred percent responsible, accountable and if wrong, which in most cases they will be due to lack of autonomy, for their thoughts, speech and actions. I am aware that a lot of what I talk about might look like delusion of persecution and paranoia for those who are not aware of the deep reality of this country which would be the majority, because the majority only experiences the deep reality and deep politics, and that includes social engineering, of this country as fate. I majorly write for people who are suffering and for those for whom shit has already hit the fan and I think I have built enough body of work for awareness and now I can do something constructive and creative with my writing. I would try work on counter measures for exploitation and if that is not possible, which in many cases isn't, than at least methods to live one's best life within the exploitation. I specialise in empirical research and a Ph.D. give me tools to do standard scientific research. Which I might also use for my work with literature and culture to create a body of work that helps people exist peacefully in the increasingly exploitative reality that people experience as fate. 

Kamayani

There are some things that are destroyed that will never come back and one of them is culture. I mourn it and that’s what I can do as I see the mongrel cultural hyperreality functioning at its place. Culture like all things evolved and the mongrel hyperreality too is a culture but it can’t replace the refinement of the culture that I saw and lived in in the 90s. It is quite late that I realised that deletion of refinement which includes cultural refinement in the lower and middle classes is intentional. I had no idea that English as a linguistic privilege is a base tenet of the deep machine of this country until I ended up realising it. The so called upper class of this nation, and I’m talking about the actual upper class, those who have achieved irreversible edge in power dynamic, speak in English and so they employ individuals to gatekeep English from the common folk. Imagine being so low in self-esteem that you have to gatekeep a foreign language from the common folk. English was just a language for me, but it is a language that I love because it is one of the most spoken and most travelled language and if you have to transmit your ideas to more number of people you have to know English. English has words and concepts to name and counter oppression, manipulation and exploitation which you have to express in long sentences in common Hindi which is mostly devoid of terms and concepts to counter oppression, manipulation and exploitation which are present in Shudh Hindi or Sanskritised Hindi. However Hindi is not that bad either but in the past decade I have seen literary Hindi getting crushed and deleted from the national narrative and popular culture and official Hindi is just for government communication in North Indian states and it is obviously not literary Hindi. The colloquial and common Hindi speaking individuals end up making fun of standard and shudh forms of Hindi but anyone who has listened to All India Radio broadcasts in the 90s know how beautiful and dignified the standard Hindi actually is. Like I ask people to read early 20^th century English literature from Europe and North America, the same way I would I ask people to read early and mid 20^th century Hindi literature from India. If you don’t decide which culture to follow, the country would choose it for you and, as far as my experience goes, it wouldn’t choose something good and dignified. One has to get acquainted to Jaishankar Prasad, Premchand and Ramdhari Singh Dinkar and countless others that left dignified literature for people to know how their standard language actually sounds like. I write in English only because it has the capacity to reach more people and given the suppression of Hindi literature which was made to look like a side-effect of modernity there are no takers for it anymore and Hindi literary aesthetics are almost dead by now. When I realised the total inauthenticity of the culture we live in I ended up making modules of my cultures, the colloquial as I knew it from my villages, the Hindi literary from 90s Hindi magazines and literary writings of 19^th and 20^th century and English from the early 20^th century and the contemporary narrative. Folk cultures have been destroyed and every person is an island of their social media algorithm and there is not much that can be done except salvaging some dignity.

 

 

Hiranyagarbha

The best thing that I ended up realising is that in India at least seths and zamindars are the real God, there is no other God except them and they are not the kind of seths that built Dharmshalas and zamindars who take care of their subjects and serfs, they head an extractive biopolitical machine which projects God, fate and karma while extracting people. The tax they collect is intimate and existential and so is coercion done by them. There is no escaping this system because of its invasive nature, it invades people personal and private domain leaving nothing personal and private except the delusion of personal and private which only lasts until one is not able to see the invasion. I do not know about the rest of the nation but the place I belonged to, a place which still has pious men and women in good numbers though steadily decreasing. I ended up realising that the actual gods of this nation employ career rapist for deep crowd control and while I had grand ideas about purpose and destiny the reality I ended up seeing was existential manipulation and extraction. My personal stand is that of political atheism but I believe in my gods at a personal level there are various reasons for it the major one being my faith but also the fact that if you don’t believe in your God or gods no one else will and if you don’t believe in your god then you can be forced to believe in others. Life has simplified for me after my realisations and it is a result of the invasiveness and domination of the arrangement. The best part of the arrangement is that it can be customized and individualised, you will see others flourishing while the doors close for you. In my case it is especially interesting because I didn’t need any doors to open because I was in all respects independent and so the arrangement closed doors with a bang so that I could notice that the doors closed on me even when I didn’t have the intent to walk through them. It was hilarious when I realised that at the deepest level the arrangement is what is mine is mine and what is yours is also mine. A majority still lives in bubbles of their delusions but I have stopped doing that when I realised that social Darwinism is actually existential and so is the totalitarianism and the amount of breathing room one has depends on the whims and incompetence of the so-called gods. 

Darwin's Dry Dream

The most important thing that I ended up realizing is that humans can be conditioned in any way and that means that they can be conditioned into believing that sex and money as the ultimate goals of life. I have paid heavily for this realization and it’s ironical because I was a believer in meaning, ideals and higher purpose. What happens when individuals thinking of sex and money as ultimate goals of life end up getting control of people who believe in higher purpose? People believing in higher purpose become disillusioned. One can’t believe in healing people and helping them achieve meaning and fulfill their lives when there is an active genocide going on which looks like fate. All good things in life are free, air, water, nature, the night sky, sun but as we see now, nothing in life is free except air. I have seen a level of corruption in this country that is hard to describe in words. It is spiritual corruption and in a country known for its spirituality. In the past decade I ended up realising that cultural machine of this country, and specifically from the region I hail from is corrupt and compromised. I ended up seeing the crude application of Marxist false consciousness, it was not even a refined but what restored my faith is when I saw the nature working its magic from within the body and mind of a person. And that is when the self realises the political imposition of false consciousness it rejects it just like the body’s immunity rejects foreign bodies. Realising this was enough for strengthening my belief in nature and its neutrality which I already was a believer in. Nature doesn’t save you from predators, it helps you in developing abilities to save you from it and that’s why a deer or a rabbit can run fast or a turtle has a hard shell. Of course we are talking survival and in a civilized environment we wouldn’t have needed to but what I have seen at the psychic plane is a jungle raj, predation that preys on the helpless and the dispossessed, a place where higher human values collapse. While other people might have a different experience than me, I believe that the base reality of this nation is jungle raj and it is because it is the bottom line. When things devolve, or even stripped bare all that remains is power play, exploitation of weaknesses, predation and weakness and I wouldn’t have been so cynical if I didn’t know that this thing happens at an existential level. I got my evidences empirically and I chose to believe them because there is no level deeper than the existential plane and it is Darwinism at this plane in this country however the genius of this country is that this social Darwinism and predation hits people as fate, karma or God’s will. 

Howl

I have seen kafkaesque scenarios in life, scenarios where walls close in on you and when you scream into the void your scream is then turned into rebellion. Only that I never screamed, I kept it professional and dignified. Who gatekeeps dignity from people, the ones who themselves do not have dignity. Who employs these individuals? Again, who themselves do not have dignity. I always knew that life is suffering, my grandfather had prepared me for it. Like Rana Sanga had eighty wounds on his body and yet he kept on fighting. I just didn’t know that my fight would be like fighting with pigs, undignified scum who drag people into the same muck they dwell in. When walls close in and start crushing you it’s the normal human response to scream, I didn’t. I noted what was happening as evidence, because, one, I wanted to be a writer and two, this whorehouse of a nation needs to be  dealt with as it actually is and not as what it projects itself to be. A normal person would have screamed with fear and pain, and I’m normal too, but I didn’t. When the truth base truth boils down to existential coercion, rape and blackmail there is nowhere to go because things are existential and there is nothing deeper than that. I ended up realizing that it’s a daily business, perfectly good people are made into monsters and let out of the walls, either this or they get crushed by the walls as they close in and are branded as rebels for screaming in pain. There is no option. When I was in college I had become Socrates for a tableau, who ended up drinking hemlock and dying for his philosophy but there is dignity in that. I could have drank the hemlock but this country, this whorehouse of a nation doesn’t even believe in giving people dignity in death. When someone in Iran is hanged at the town square, there is dignity in that, when someone in North Korea dies by a firing squad there is dignity in that, and here I’m talking about personal dignity. Knowing the reason for your death and accepting it. This shithole we live in is like a sugarcane juicer, it extracts you and then discards you and this is the base reality. It doesn’t have the ability to understand people and but it has the ability to know everything about them and this knowledge is then used for extraction of anything and if there isn’t anything then misery that these individuals feed on and when that’s done, when a man turns into a zombie they plan a spectacle for his demise and blame everything on him before is life ends. In a scenario like this there are only two options, infinite suffering that can’t be defined in words or rebellion which of course would be at an existential level because the coercion, blackmail and rape is at an existential level. I did not rebel, though I would be branded one. I just noted down the mechanisms and made them public, from my side. I’m not distributing pamphlets, it’s all just at a place and is not advertised. And when those who need to know this stumble upon it, they would be able to see through the design. The best thing that I was able to learn from what happened to me, for whatever reasons, and reasons are immaterial as they can be conjured out of thin air, is that only God that exists is inside you, at least the God we grew up believing in. He or She is inside you, whatever archetype of Him or Her you believe in you and He or She will watch you screaming in void because He or She can’t do anything except giving you dignity when the walls closing in crush you. 

Ghaslet

It took me a bit of time but I finally ended up realising that only true literature and only truthful books for the most part belong from pre-World War II era of course it is extrapolation but if you read books from early 20th century you'll get the idea. It's not different from alternative reality presented in Alan Moore's Watchmen or Philip K. Dick's The Man in The High Castle. There is a decentralised machine that co-opts every dissent while consuming totally innocent people and this is how you get the guitarist from Rage Against The Machine selling guitar courses on Masterclass. The Indian machine as I ended up realising in the past decade is operated by retards who neither have control over their impulses nor have the intellectual capacity and the condition is so bad and so unbelievable in the deep "administration" or as I prefer to call it, the deep state that it took me more than a decade to make sense of it. And the best part is when one ultimately sees their impunity, exploitation and rape and opposes it, they brand him as a communist when in fact at the deepest level the machine itself is organised as a communist state where the top order has given itself the right to excercise mindless impunity on totally innocent and helpless people and decided their fates based on their whims and the most unfortunate part that I ended up realising is that these motherfuckers aren't even competent. Most people experience this impunity as fate or act of God but unfortunately as I ended up realising in the past decade that it is totally of a human origin and these motherfucker are basically acting on their whims and doing anything to anyone except of course the one who are either part of this machine or are selected to rise in ranks, government or corporate. One of the methods is to weaponise people's conscientiousness against them and that means the better human being you are, the less are your chances of social mobility, survival and more is your suffering and I ended up realising that this is why "God tests good people more". I studied the mind for helping people but when I was persecuted I ended up seeing through the whole design, it's cold war Soviet surveillance and British extractive, divide and rule exploitation mixed with the Indian rationalisation and this means that these motherfuckers are essentially giving poison to people mixed with Indian flavoured sweets and this is being done at an industrial scale. They talk of traditions, culture and religion while the absolute base reality of this nation is rape. The real culture of this land which survived until the 90s and that's how I was able to experience it has been replaced by a mongrel cultural hyperreality that mimicks the real culture but it isn't the same. The mental states of the people of this country is visible all throughout the social media and it is not their fault. The country itself is organised at the metaphysical plane like an Indian railways train. The first class speaks English and has facilities and the general compartment murders each other for seat which is still a fine arrangement until I realised that these bastards are actively murdering people while destroying anything they can find meaning in if they end up surviving. I realised the media is actively complicit when a Hindi newspaper the name of which starts with "Dainik" put up a flex near my clinic in Varanasi to gaslight me, and anyway the arrangement in places like Varanasi, Meerut and hinterlands is feudal in nature. You have to realise that the surveillance is total, and the kind of individuals who you save your families from have total access to your family secrets and your personal secrets and I'm talking about the kind of individuals who fill SD cards of people with blue films at a mobile shop or the kind who smokes ganja and works at a call centre for fifteen thousand rupees, (not the good kinds), a hotel waiter, these are the kind of individuals who are part of the informal intelligence apparatus of this country (unfortunately it's not the Intellligence Bureau as I had expected) a Banarasi panwala is still fine and quite Arthashastra. The thing to note, and as you can make out, that it is just an example and not all panwalas are complicit, the point is that the kind you save your families and would not allow your family even hundred kilometres near them have complete information of your secrets and your family secrets. I'm in healthcare so I know that these bastards are actively making people sick and then selling them medicines, actively making people lazy and then making them order through quick-commerce websites. This is not capitalism, this is extraction. When I ended up realising that these bastards are making people commit incest for political leverage and blackmail or even for sadistic fun I realised that India as a civilization has collapsed and ended, no not because of the incest but because of the political weaponisation of incest by the institution that was responsible for the order itself. I don't see the Ganga Aarti at Varanasi ghats the same way as I used to before, it is real for those who perform it and those who take part in it but it isn't real at the cultural and civilizational scale. For me the base reality matters and the base reality of this country as I ended up realising, even after not being ready to believe it for a decade, is rape. I write things that people will hesitate to write and at the risk of sounding crazy, but I write for awareness and the conditions are so bad that even though what I write sounds crazy people who have suffered this country subconsciously know that it is true, and anyway someone has to do this dirty job. 

Remote Neural Bhangra

There is a Hermetic expression: "As above, so below; as within, so without; as the universe, so the soul.” Then there is the Freudian iceberg model in which the conscious is just the upper one-third expression of lower 2/3rd of unconscious. In India this can be generalised at a societal scale and that means what is the visible part of the society is just an expression of the invisible 2/3rds and that would be deep state of this country. I through my experiences in the past decade ended up realising that deep state of this country is a criminal syndicate, and it wouldn't have bothered me until I ended up realising that it is also the providence of this country. If we expand the iceberg model discussed previously at a sociological level that would mean that the rape and coercion in the society is just an expression of the lower 2/3rd of the iceberg that the society is. At base it is a stratified feudal system in which career rapists are employed for crowd control who also act as feudal intelligence operatives and that means if someone has to be targeted or sabotaged it is them who are mobilised. The feudal India, if at all there is a country called India except on paper, supplies human resource to Industrial and corporate India. In modern times there are instances of gangstalking or cases of Targeted Individuals or TIs who due to what they say discredit themselves, the truth however is that these individuals were simply branded as insane in the 60s, 70s and 80s and put in the asylum. What access to media and education in the modern times did is give the individuals who are gaslighted by the deep state of a country or corporate espionage setup a means for metacognition and so they, instead of falling into total insanity and losing the conrrol over their consciousness, end up knowing that while they are not crazy, something is terribly wrong which in fact it is when we see the general state of the world for the majority. In time of social media gaslighting has become excessively easy and if the deep state itself wants to gaslight you it can do it extremely easily by tailoring your social media algorithms and presenting you with information that makes you uncomfortable or paranoid. This is however not a paranoid reading, media is one of the chief means of institutional gaslighting and since we have seen how aliens drink milk of cows on Indian news channels and how totally superstitious and baseless reels and shorts of middle aged housewives of this country. These superstitious and baseless reels and shorts are not only freedom of speech of their creators but also a means to keep the middle-aged housewives of this country tripping on superstitions just as middle aged uncles trip on BJP vs Congress on their reels and shorts while petrol prices keep on increasing. It was never BJP vs Congress, it is a oligarchic feudal-corporate kleptocratic system. It's unfortunate that feudal in Hindi means samant (सामंत) and one would expect a bit of class from the so called samants but unfortunately the extractive exploitation in this nation has become existential. It's not the tax anymore, people themselves are the resource and this feudal arrangement in coordination with the mafia which is the source of informal economy through racketeering, extortion, human trafficking and smuggling while people are victim blamed and gaslighted through religion. My return to Purvanchal and subsequent tribulations made me realise that religion is an active part of this criminal syndicate and actively consists of individuals who have given themselves the right to rape others while they actively project benevolence. The issue is not only this, individual family cultures as well as community cultures are getting destroyed due to social and financial pressures and the society is getting atomised. After coming to Purvanchal I realised that the deep state consists of the age old village rapist setup which we know existed in India where Dalits were raped for drawing water from wells or entering temples, just that these career rapists now act on the behalf of politicians and mafia. In Purvanchal if the veil of hyperreality ends up lifting from people's eyes it's basically a state of existential coercion and rape. So, the crux is rapes happen in this country precisely because we are being essentially ruled by rapists and all rape is not by force a majority is through coercion. An anonymous survey of women of this country will tell you truly about who actually rules this country while we keep doing BJP vs Congress. 

The Ballad of 12 Gauge Automatic

Seven years ago I had seen on Netflix Coen Brothers' The Ballad of Buster Scruggs. The story is set in the harsh, snow-dusted backroads of the Old West where a traveling showman played by Liam Neeson drags his most unusual act from one dusty town to the next: a young man born without arms or legs, who somehow lights up the stage with his voice alone. With quiet dignity, this performer recites Shakespeare, the Bible, poetry, and Lincoln’s words so beautifully that for a while, people stop and listen. But audiences are fickle. Their attention drifts. Then one day, the showman discovers something far simpler and more profitable, a clever little rooster that can count and do basic math tricks. The crowds suddenly come alive for the chicken. And just like that, the human being who had given everything becomes dead weight. What happens next is as cold as the river below the bridge they cross. Without a word, without hesitation, the showman discards the performer like yesterday’s cargo, throwing him into the icy waters to drown. No anger, no struggle, just pure, quiet opportunism. The rooster takes his place. The show goes on. It’s one of the most hauntingly matter-of-fact depictions of human cruelty I’ve seen. In the name of survival and spectacle, empathy evaporates the moment someone stops being useful. We all know that humans can be like this in the back of our minds but I ended up realising that God is like this. Once one realises that God, not the one we grew up believing in but the actual providence, the bureaucratic one that projects itself as divine, soemthing shifts inside and on a private, personal level the social contract and social pretensions collapse. When the veil lifted from my eyes, even then I just wanted to do my work quietly like I always wanted to do but soon I realised that even that was not an option. I ended up realising that the consequence of our lives and our lives as a whole are a thought in the mind of God and then God employs his bureaucracy, which is unfortunately straight from Ram Gopal Varma's underworld flicks and a lot of it even worse, even from the Kanti Shah's underworld, to make the thought in his mind true. What I have seen in my life, and totally unprovoked, is not something that I had thought I'd ever see. I often give The Matrix references and while what I saw was in fact doors turning into concrete walls as Mouse had experienced in the first movie and like him, when I realised that not only doors are turning into concrete walls but also violence is being rained on, and that too without any provocation, I had no option but to bring out the big guns. The difference here is that I'm not using big guns as a last resort, I'm just having fun with it while it might look like last resort because of the optics. I ended up realising that it's all about optics. The whole thing is nothing but optics. The difference between what a thing actually is and how it is perceived, and the whole sadistic fun of this arrangement lies in this created misunderstanding. This is the misunderstanding due to which people drink themselves to death and I studied the mind so that I can save those people finally realising that this in fact is the very design. We are just a bunch of organic androids playing out the designs enforced on us, stereotypical, preset designs. My concern was not this however, my concern was that these designs are not only being enforced by incompetent assholes, but they are also acting on their sadistic whimsy without any consequences. I know Mouse's fate in The Matrix but he went out with style unlike the young man without arms and legs thrown into the water by the travelling showman. 

Gtalk

 The thing about culture is that it needs a group of people. A single person can't sustain a culture. Culture evolves, just like in a petridish, and how a culture evolves depends on the conditions of that petridish. In a survivalist culture people end up becoming predators and the theory of big fish consumes small fish becomes applicable. In a culture that is community oriented people help each other, participate in one another's moments whether they are happy or sad. As the culture gets destroyed in this country and people become slaves to their algorithms what happens is that there is no community and there are no young men to serve food when there is a wedding in the village or someone dies. That job then goes to the caterers. In anyway, once the youth get corrupted they themselves stop to participate in community events and what remains is islands of families that always bothers about what their community or relatives would think but know that when things go sideways the same community and relatives would not come to their aid. This is a recent development post mid 2000s and I used to think that it is the side effect of modernity until I realize that this thing is systemic and centralised and that things are going to get even worse. What is going to arrive is modernity without visible signs, the youth of village lying on the cot and watching Kanti Shah's movie on their Android phone which they bought on EMI while there isn't a road or healthcare centre in the village. It's the genius of the setup of introducing technology as a commodified and weaponised element without moral and financial development of the masses. The masters can earn through the village youth but the village youth can't earn except for the way he did before. How many people become YouTube and Instagram influencers? They earn but what becomes of their lives afterwards. There is no replacement of genuine work, something you do and get money in return. Except for the cooking reels and reels that make you laugh, what else is useful on social media. When social media arrived, then social networking, in form of Orkut and Facebook we thought it would connect people, same happened when Whatsapp arrived. Life has become easy no doubt with Whatsapp and UPI but did it manage to connect people, even in the manner they used to get connected on Yahoo Messenger and GTalk? Things are going to deteriorate and I ended up realising why. China has bullet trains, and in India the lower class enforcers employed for crowd control by the structure are jealous that people will climb on the Metro train, there is no cure for this and it is the continuation of the British tradition in which only those who have hand of British over them would grow, only this time the hand is Indian and so you see Youtubers and their videos and wonder if they have a soul. You hear music and wonder what happened to the soulful music. Here is what happened, only those who agreed to sell their souls ended up growing. 

पीड़ा

हृदय की पीड़ा छुपाये

कांटो भारी राह पर

वह चलता रहा।

कुछ पल रुका अवश्य

पेड़ की छांव में सुस्ताने के लिए

पर फिर चल पड़ा।

रास्ता कठिन था

राह में कांटे थे

पर वो चलता रहा

अपने हृदय की पीड़ा छुपाये।

Mother Song

Dear Mother

Save me

I need you

More than I ever have

I love you

O my divine Mother

Save me

From myself and the world

सब्र

कई बार जब हम कुछ खोते हैं

तब कुछ पाते हैं

खोया पाया का खेल है

जीवन सुख दुख का मेल है

कुछ पा के कुछ खोया है

सब्र का बीज बोया है

फल की उम्मीद नहीं

मिल जाये तो जीत वही

प्रेम के बीज भी बोये हैं

कुछ पंछी अभी भी सोये हैं

पेड़ों पर उनका रैन बसेरा है

अब कुछ देर है फिर सवेरा है

ज़रिया

अंधेरे को चीरती रौशनी की एक किरण

दिल में उठी उम्मीदों की लहर

देर हुई पर आए दुरुस्त हैं

दर्द का कर्ज चुका एक मुश्त है

लगता है जैसे रौशन हुई ये दुनिया

जैसे अधूरे कामों का था मैं ज़रिया

खुशनुमा

कभी कभी शब्द ढूंढना मुश्किल होता है

कभी कभी हम खो जाते हैं

गहराइयों में कोई तो हो

जो मिले हमसे तो हम बताएं दिल का हाल

डर से भरे सपने जो सच न हो तो अच्छा

खुशी से भरे सपने जो सच हो जाएं

कभी कभी गहराइयों में खुद को ढूंढना होता है

कभी कभी लफ्ज़ खो जाते हैं

गहराइयों में कोई तो हो

जो हमसे हमारा हाल पूछे

जो जाने कि हमने क्या नहीं सहा

इन सारे खुशनुमा सपनों को सच करने के लिए

Mother Song

O mother, grant me strength

Purify my soul and grant me new perspectives

Take me out from hell and keep me in your arms

O mother, you know your child has suffered much

Do not let him suffer more

Save your innocent child

कलरव

सुंदर फूल खिले बगिया में

नए प्रभात का है आगमन

बिखरी है छटा चहुंओर

ललित हुआ है सूरज का तन

कलरव करते पंछी

उड़ते चारो दिशाओं में

नया सवेरा लाया हर्ष

जो फैला है फ़िज़ाओं में

दिनकर

असंभव को संभव करने चला

द्वैत को अद्वैत करने चला

भीषण पथ पर अग्रसर

करने चला वह सबका भला

भय स्वयं का उसको अनंत

स्वयं विजय ही भय का अंत

अंत में हो सबको आनंद

सोचता वह जीवन पर्यंत

प्रेम का है दूत वह

अभागों का वह भाग्य

दीनों का वह दुख समझता

ऐश्वर्य में वह वैराग्य

पीड़ा का करने अंत

चला वह उस पथ पर

जीवन के अंधकार में

बना वह उज्ज्वल दिनकर

समीक्षा

सत्य की समीक्षा

ज्ञान की परीक्षा

आनंद की भेंट है

प्रेम की है इच्छा

संपर्क सूत्र में बुनें

स्नेह रूप में ढले

प्रेम ही वो तत्व है

जो दीप सा जले

धरा प्रकाशमान हो

ज्ञान का आह्वान हो

प्रेमरूपी सत्य से

दिशा गुंजायमान हो

Vishwanath's Tears

I have had the good luck to feel the full force of Purvanchal deep state and I find it funny because I spent my childhood and and majority of my life outside Purvanchal. I obviously was the wrong guy for these shenanigans but since the power dynamic is absolute there is nothing that can be done about it except writing out the mechanisms. The deep state of Purvanchal is a feudal-criminal syndicate and an extractive setup with rape as the chief currency. I have always believed my culture to be of a superior nature and it is because I have seen its superiority at my nani's village, it is nothing different from the greater nation as this whole nation, at the lower two-thirds of the iceberg this society is a rape based economy but in Purvanchal it is special because these motherfuckers are especially cruel and the reason for this is that they are weak. I ended up realizing that my region is ruled by individuals who will sell their mothers for money and the setup operates like a protection racket which is still okay because all places have criminal underworlds which work as informal economies, the issue arises when one realizes that this rape based protection racket is directly linked to religion and operates from the level where most people think God resides. It's been a humilation to realize how inferior kind of assholes rule my region and the best part of it all is that I had no business in it, it's just simple predation by impune predators who decide fates of people because their finances are sorted mainly because the source is the informal economy of extraction and extortion. I know for sure that the race of my people is not inferior it's just that the strenth came from the culture and these motherfuckers have destroyed the real culture and now forcefully dictate a mongrel hyperreality to people in the name of culture. While everything looks alright outside, communities that were present in the 90s have been thorughly destroyed and a surveillance mafia dictatorship at the psychological plane is enfoece where fates of people are being decided by incompetent rapist who also double as feudal intelligence operatives and religion only act as a victim blaming mechanism for good men and pious women. There is not much can be done once a place has devolved into a rape based extractive economy with each district acting as an independent feudal kingdom, where making people commit incest is used as political tool. Next time when you visit Varanasi and feel the spiritual vibes which unfortunately are fake, know this bottom line truth. Of course normal life goes on at the surface but I'm talking about the deep state which unfortunately decides the fates of people and these motherfuckers are not only not well-intentioned but have also given themselves the right to rape people while young children eat salt and rice in their mid-day meals in primary schools. 

Folk Pouch

Folk Pouch

I remember writing blogs in 2010-11, they were simple slice of life blogs and at that time a lot of people used to write blogs. About their lives, interests, about cooking, about their gardens and now we have short-form videos. Telling is different than showing and long-form was actually a thing back then. A bit of long-form still remains on Facebook where female literary writers present culture through Hindi literary lens but a lot of Hindi literary aesthetics and refined and finer sensibilities have been annihilated from the popular culture and have been replaced by mockery which you can see on the comedy shows of today. The problem is not that mockery exists, it’s that the alternatives of mockery are getting deleted from popular culture and it took me a decade to realise that it is systemic and intentional. Folk cultures survived for the very reason that they escaped the British colonial gaze but our post-colonial feudal, industrial and corporate masters managed to destroy even that so much so that our folk traditions are now presented as token entertainment to whites in five star hotels while folk tales, music and dances and culture in general has been deleted from existence. It is easy to think of it as a side-effect of modernity which in the past decade I ended up realising it isn’t after realising the amount of control that can be exercised on people and it baffled my mind when I realised the real reason folk cultures have been destroyed and are only retained as tokens. It is because they were a source of refinement for the lower class and that they gave dignity to people. Harm, physical, psychological and cultural in this nation is systemic and it is because there can be people to build buildings in Dubai and make iPhones and deliver your quick commerce order. When I realised the setup, a couple of years spent in sheer disbelief of the lack of class of those who rule over people in this country but as things became clear I ended up realising that deep structure of this country is in fact a criminal syndicate and human trafficking and exploitation of people is one of its chief agendas. After thoroughly destroying the lower class and making them dispossessed they then set their eyes on the middle class and I realise a clear visible boundary of when the things started going sideways for the middle class and it was in the mid 2000s, mid 2000s were still far from when the economic liberalization of India happened in 1991 and guess under whom? Narsimha Rao and ex-Prime Minister Manmohan Singh who was finance minister then. I can mark the exact time when popular culture of India was still well-intentioned and it was when comics were still readily available for the middle class kids and final nail in the coffin for the well-intentioned popular culture came when Bollywood released Kartik Calling Kartik, and you can check out why, and after that only remained the last breaths of well-intentioned popular culture with movies like Lootera and Hasee Toh Phasee. What we are living with at present can be defined as an iron hand with a velvet glove which doesn’t even bother to wear the velvet glove for people who can see through this bullshit. Hindi literature is dead, comics is dead and so is middle class aesthetics except the middle class tiles and furniture you see in middle class homes and it is all intentional the furniture you see in middle class homes that odd showy furniture and curtains and bathroom tiles, they are actually class markers. The middle class in today’s India is as dispossessed as the lower class but lower class is freer because it doesn’t have relatives acting as a panopticon and it can still roast green grams in fire under the night sky and can still end the day on a good note after drinking a desi pouch. 

Red Tank

We have to understand that the political times we are living in only true friends are nature, especially flora, and books, if one is able to use them wisely. If one has friends, only friends that matter are the ones one feels safe with and has fun with. If being with your friends is not making you feel safe or you are not having fun, they are not your friends and even if there are deeper reasons to why you are not feeling safe and having fun with them. Developing acquaintances and transactional relationships is important especially for social survival. Transactional relationships are the bottom line because when the bottom line hits even the love based realationships end up becoming transactional. The joint family ethos of this nation has collapsed and I know that this is not organic but there is nothing that can be done about that. It's absolutely important to develop the capability of living alone and having fun alone. Once you do that life becomes incredibly easier. I had started developing the ability to live alone when I was in the second year of college. I used to go to eat out alone, I used to go to the movies alone and I used to live alone. Once one has sorted out how to live alone it is then comes developing ability of finding good people for company. A good man should always find the company that respects his goodness. Indian society at large is populated by selfish retards and predators, good people after several heartbreaks end up bothering only about themselves or living in small groups. In India colleges there are stereotypes, just like in Indian society, and Indian colleges are a good mirror of Indian society. There are guys who share things with others, I was one of those guys, I never hesitated in sharing my things with others, then there are parasites who do not spend themselves but find a host for their survival. I never bothered with parasites because once I came to know their nature I maintained distance from them though one has to know that India's deep structure actively promotes parasitism and this is a realisation I arrived upon after keenly observing and suffering the Indian reality. The reason is simple, those who control the deep structure of this nation have sealed their positions and they keep the lower strata as a general compartment of Indian railways like first come first serve or fight till death for the seat. This setup in lower strata eliminates people who stand up and offer their seat when they see an old man or a pregnant woman in a train. One has to realise, like I did after suffering the system for more than a decade, that while this country feigns to be a socialist democracy, the deep structure of this country is arranged like an oligarchic communist state. A small set of people have the power which is arranged in a multilevel fashion with tributaries starting from different regions and ending in the main branch, that means every location has a party that controls that location and has enforcers that do it on their behalf and reports to the higher branch and the smallest unit of this setup is a village. The enforcers are criminal rapists and this is the reason why existence of good people in the lower strata is extremely difficult, or for that matter anywhere. While this might look like a conspiracy theory, this is the structure of the deep structure of this nation. The ones on top insert spears from the holes in glass ceiling indiscriminately stab people and these glass ceilings are present at different levels, while the drama of a socialist democracy goes on. Since all of this is a metaphysical arrangement the system can take any shape, to some it might look like capitalist America, to some social democracies like Nordic countries, to the majority it looks like socialist democracy like as promised in constitution and for some it might take the form of the so-called Nazi Germany or Cold War Soviet Union or Fascist Italy. The whole game is to keep people from arriving at same page. However the ultimate arrangement is that of a communist state where power and capital is concentrated at the top while the majority lives with the illusion that they can own capital. The truth is that their capital can be drained anyday and the blame would fall on fate or God. When one understands this setup, one has to realise that only thing that matters is having fun and making good memories for you and your loved ones. 

लकड़हारा

लड़ता वह परिस्थितियों से

जूझता झंझावातों में

सारगर्भित हृदय ले कर

अहंकार से करता दो-दो हाथ

बोया गया एक पाप का बीज

जो उगता एक पेड़ स्वरूप

जैसे विषधर हों लगे चंदन पर

ऐसा लेता वह रूप

बन के लकड़हारा वह

काटे जाता पाप का पेड़

रात जैसी कालिमा छंटेगी

और खिलेगी हर्ष की धूप

Mother Song

Divine mother

Grant me peace

Allow me to be free

Destroy my ignorance

And save my soul

O compassionate mother

Grant your child courage

To get through the twists and turns of life

Let me live with pride

At least till I'm alive

O mother of wrath

Pardon my shortcomings

And my mistakes

Grant me the power to endure

And hold me in your motherly embrace

Mother Song

In the depth of darkness, alone and afraid

I was walking in search of light

Beyond time and space

I was searching for you

O my perfect mother

Hold your warrior child

Take your healer son in your lap

For he is wounded

And cannot fight anymore

The darkness within is swallowing the peace

You seen beneath the facade

You correct the mistakes

You hold your warrior son

And kiss his worries away

O perfect mother - lead your warrior child to the kingdom of peace

Mother Song

O mother

I am your foolish child

A warrior fighting the darkness within

Show me the light in this deep dark tunnel

So that I may see the light at its end

O divine mother

Save my soul

Save your foolish child

Grant me the divine consciousness

So that I may achieve Nirvana

So that I can be with you forever and never lonely

O kind mother 

Save me from demons

Grant me the courage to fight valiantly

Grant me the power to destroy evil

O mother, save my soul, save my honour

Save the warrior child of thee

Mother Song

O divine mother

I see nothing but thee

Help your child

To conquer the demons

Destroy the darkness

Within his being

And grant him your eternal light

O mother, take your child in your lap

And save him from the world

O divine mother

Save your child

And feed him the nectar of your divine love

Destroy the evil

Just as you slay demons

O slayer of Mahishasur

O divine mother

I bow down to thee

दैत्य

पुरानी यादों की छाया में,

अब भी कई दैत्य घूमते हैं,

ग़लतियाँ जो ग़लतियाँ नहीं थी,

बनाई गई थी।

माचिस की तीलियों से जलते बुझते

ख्यालों में से,

चुन लेना विचारों के मोती।

नंगे पैर घास पर चल कर,

कभी देखना,

पैरो के तलवों से ओस को टटोलना।

कभी खुद को परखना,

प्यार के दरिया में डुबो कर,

या फिर कर्म के पथरीले

रास्तों पर चल कर।

सुकून

बारिशों में टपकती बूंदो से,

घरों में जलती हुई रोशनी,

बातें करती है।

कभी लगता है कि जाड़े की बारिश

और घरों की गर्माहट एक दूसरे से

प्यार करते हैं,

पर एक दूसरे के करीब नहीं आ सकते।

सड़क पर जलती स्ट्रीटलाइट्स,

रोशनी के साथ एक साया भी देती हैं,

जो साथ साथ चलता है।

भरी बारिश की ठंड से घर पहुंचने का सुकून,

अपने घर के जानी पहचानी गर्माहट

का एहसास तभी होता है

जब किसी ने देखा हो बाहर की बारिश

और घर के सुकून का रिश्ता।

पुल

दोस्ती के मायने,

पैसों से तोलते लोग।

पुल बनाने वालों को

पुल जलाने वाला कहते दोस्त।

कभी खुशमिज़ाज इंसानों में

शैतान ढूंढते हैं,

कभी अपने रसूख से 

तबाह करते हैं जिंदगियां।

असली शैतान पढ़ते हैं

खयालों को,

और करते हैं अपनी हरकतें।

आम को खास बना दिया जाता है,

लेकिन वो पुल कहाँ जलेगा

जो कभी था ही नहीं।

समय चक्र

झीलों में तैरते हंसो को देखा,

नीले पानी में देखी अपनी छाया,

काले कौवों का कर्कश स्वर,

आखिर किसने बनाई ये माया।

खेतों में फसल काटते किसान,

धूप से काली जर्जर काया,

ट्रैक्टर पर बैठे उनके सहोदर,

कुछ ने खोया कुछ ने पाया।

रात की चांदी करती चमचम,

चंदा देखो शीतलता लाया,

सजग हो उठे रात्रिचर,

श्वानों ने अपना गान गाया।

उगता सूर्य ललित हो उठा

दिन से रात फिर दिन आया

चक्र समय का चलता रहता,

चिड़ियों ने फिर दाना खाया।

Naked War

In the lonely room,

Cigarette smoke,

A clandestine attack

Shattering you into pieces.

Respite from relief, violence

Breaking into the soul,

Impotence and sadism,

A naked war.

A mournful wedding

Turning into a disgusting chase,

A lonely heart

Made a criminal for laughs.

Feverish

Cold feet, 

Eyes afraid to be free,

A burning, a fear,

A feverish need.

Ravenous desire to create.

Feelings flowing away

With dearth of expressions.

Can't reach the source,

Some words are not owned yet.

Befuddled with lack,

Shamelessly trying 

To be sublime.

Submission

Mute conversations,

Misunderstood intentions 

And a silence, unyielding.

A door left ajar

A sturdy heart beating 

Relentlessly.

A trap, a maze,

A stringent conscience,

A perpetual torture.

Delirious terror,

Wanton disregard,

A submissive ardour

Misplaced in hell.

Sacred

I'm afraid, that I won't be able to be of use,

When I'm needed,

It's this fear that keeps me distant.

Two different worlds, one of vineyards and one of quilts in winter with hot tea.

What I feel for you is very sacred, 

And if you want 

Has the potential of becoming very dirty.

A chasm, of social divides, between us,

A mountain of survival

And I have realised the futility of climbing it.

Yet, I'll climb the mountain, to convince myself that I deserve you, or die trying. 

Some birds mate for life,

Some men become lonely for a lifetime.

It could've been that I could've shown you the world of quilts and hot tea in winters, and taken you to vineyards where they display quotes of rockstars who die young.

My dignity stops me from crossing the chasm of social divide, and yet I'm yours.

Consider me your geisha, who has stories to tell, 

Consider me your slave, your who*e, your anything,

Just consider me yours.

Saved

Was she a girl that wanted to save a boy?

Cause he was a boy who wanted to be saved once,

Shattered into pieces, he rebuilt himself brick by brick,

Pain becoming the mortar.

The one who would save him never arrived

Until that kiss that melted his being, making him realise

That there is more to being human than what Darwin says.

Love is personal, alchemy of souls is not,

Languages differ, essences speak to each other.

Her scent smells to him like home, always, forever.

Some poets are warriors,

Some are cowards,

And some just write to soothe their souls.

Wounds of souls are an epidemic,

They not special.

Healed and scarred,

He watches her from afar.

The boy would compensate each day for the reasons he couldn't get her, effortlessly. 

When someone makes you feel Darwin is wrong,

They are right for you. 

Long Drive

A long drive into the setting sun is the dream.

A man in straitjacket unable to drive,

Building a life he doesn't want to build, but then it's life.

To get more worldly, I would smell the scent of Ezee from your pullover.

To get more worldly, I would compare the schools I studied in, and the ones you did. 

To get more worldly, I would compare how I'm still struggling to be the man that I think you deserve.

My heart deserves your heart, and that I know in my heart,

But life is not about what hearts deserve,

It's about what the stomachs deserve,

It's about what bank accounts deserve.

You inspire in me, a comedian, a poet, a man wanting to give you anything you want.

You inspire me to give you the best in me that I kept hidden from everyone else. 

I'm forged in pain, and being a healer I knew that the only thing that could ever heal me was you.

But the world is not about healing, it's about stomachs and bank accounts.

You make me believe in next life, maybe then I would have what I think you deserve, maybe then I would be a good driver, and we would drive into the sunset smoking cigarettes. 

Truth Serum

She is his truth serum,

She is someone to whom he has never lied to. 

He had women that he lied to,

Small lies, to get their attention,

But as he grew into a man he realised

A man shouldn't have to lie to get a woman. 

He saw a dream come true in front of his eyes.

The kind woman of his dreams

Acknowledged him and his feelings

And that was enough for him for a lifetime. 

He wants to show her his wounds.

He wants to see her wounds and heal them.

He wants to make her smell the scent of khaskhas from the desert cooler when he used to read comicbooks in the hot afternoons of summer holidays.

He wants to tell her how he used to secretly read women's magazines of his mother. 

He wants to take her to his village when he used to sleep on mattresses on the rooftop under the starry night only to wake up in the homely chill of the mornings. 

He wants to tell her about how he carried the world on his shoulders for more than a decade.

How he, holding the finger of his grandfather went to buy the latest copy of his favourite children's magazine.

The things that he wants to show her can only be seen by someone who has known real love. 

And that's why he has never lied to her.

Hellscape Navigator

I have had tribulations in my life and from them I have learnt a very important thing and that is how to inhabit worlds of one's choice. One has remember that every person in this world inhabits a world and travels through worlds all the time. They can be physical, metaphysical, tangible, intangible. Here are the examples, when you visit a new place, you come across a new world, when you talk to a person and they tell you about their life you tend to see a new world or to be accurate world from a new perspective that is so different that it feels like a whole new world. When you have enough experience with life you realise that reality is not fixed, it is variable, it is only the material reality that is fixed not the relational reality. Try reading Bram Stoker's Dracula and feel the eerie yet warm vibe and the world of it. Again, read Sherlock Holmes and feel the thrill and warmth of Victorian era England. India, except for its mythological literature and folktales failed to build warm stories due to colonialism but the closest we came in modern times was Tagore, Malgudi Days and 80s and 90s children's magazines and comics. Watch any movie, and you inhabit it's world and it's world has laws of its own, be it a Nolan movie, Spielberg movie, Tarantino movie, Anurag Kashyap movie, David Dhawan movie or Manmohan Desai movie. The worlds we inhabit depends on our interests, I like warmth but I also tolerate hardboiled noir well. Your social media algorithms these days cater to you, and for the most part, show you the worlds you want to inhabit. My world consists of nature, cosmology, astronomy, hard science and philosophy, bikes, martial arts, freestyle motocross Indian classical music and rock, literature, comic books and graphic novels and Mother Goddesses. I have curated my world according to my interests. There are some worlds you can't negotiate with, like your workplace. I go to my work, a scheming bureaucratic, save your own ass and scapegoat the other person, preferably the weakest and the most helpless, setup and I try to stay out of trouble and keep the things under my control comfortable and happy. I go to my clinic and try to give my patients the best possible care that I can and best value for their money. It's hard. But these are the worlds you can't negotiate with. You can't negotiate with the general compartment of Indian railways while travelling in it but you can upgrade your class which again is not feasible for all. It's for inhabiting the more classy and comfortable worlds that young men turn criminal and youthful and beautiful girls turn into escorts. It's not very intelligent, but a lot of times this lack of judgement is structural and they don't know that reading a comic book in front of a desert cooler or reading Sherlock Holmes on a rainy Saturday can give a sort of pleasure a luxury car or a branded handbag can't, but then to each his own because we shouldn't judge someone else's preferences and why they took the decisions they took especially when a lot of it is structural in nature. As far as the structure goes, I ended up realising that it consists of pigs who will drag you in the muck they live in because it is the only way they know to beat a dignified person. To me dignity matters, and even during my tribulations I tried to keep my suffering dignified. I like to inhabit worlds, no matter the world's I'm forcefully dragged into I keep my worlds with me, Lovecraft's cosmic horror, the Kafkaesque, Harry Potter's magical vibe, The Matrix's choices. I chose the red pill because it's the absolute truth, and I manufacture my blue pills because sometimes after you are done with the day's work you need to taste that juicy steak in your mouth. Cypher was not wrong, he was just a scoundrel. 

Cuckoo's Nest

The two mental health tips that I give to my patients is that they should ask questions to themselves and that they should do write a journal daily. Daily journaling is a habit that you are never going to regret especially in difficult political times unless the conditions turn to the so-called Nazi Germany and your journal is used as evidence. India, however, doesn’t operate like that, it is unimaginably cruel but it operates from beneath the visible surface though you can’t be sure of what happens in future. So, two tips, ask a lot of questions to yourself and do journaling daily and if you can add 5-5-5 breathing, 5 second inhale, 5 second retain and 5 second exhale, it would help your nervous system too. One has to realise that mental health status of a person in India is directly related to his or her fate. A person gets a mental health issue in this country and suffer because their fate is sealed while the impune turn criminal or if they are resourceful they make others suffer. I used to wonder why psychopathy and narcissism goes unpunished for the most part, and then I realised that psychopathy and narcissism is a common occurrence in positions of power and these individuals despite being narcissists and psychopaths feign benevolence in public. It has to be clearly understood that what is happening in this country post the mainstreaming of the internet is not a left vs right or BJP vs Congress issue. The left and right are the wings of the same bird, it’s just that the lower level functionaries do not know this and they are for the most part puppets or plants who are clueless about the arrangement except their own survival. The main difference between BJP and Congress is that BJP is crude and the Congress is snobbish. BJP however was not always like that, it had ideologues like Atal Bihari Vajpayee but when feudalism supplies politicians to the national politics ideologues crushed for the very reason that they are decent. Feudalism, in India, thrives on brute force and of course conspiratorial deception. So when you have to choose between BJP’s fake sentimental nationalism hiding feudal crudenss and mercantile opportunism and Congress’s elitist snobbery it is better to choose none unless of course making a choice is necessary for survival because of course survival trumps all. One has to be clear that it is the Congress and it has been the Congress throughout. BJP just got the symptoms out. The base of all politics any which ways is socioeconomics and it’s the rich who are God and it’s not the old money because old money has class, they might have chosen their corner and would be living their lives quietly and undisturbed knowing that all of what that is going on in bullshit. It’s feudalism and the nouveau riche and of course the loyal dogs of the British empire. Unfortunately this arrangement has led to exploitation which includes sexual, invasive and structural manipulation of lives as fate and mental health crises. There is not much that one can do, because if you have mental health issues know that you have been singled out and there is enough “workforce” to single out people and anyway only true cure for mental health issues that are not too complicated is a combination of family support, love and enough money all of which are becoming structurally impossible for the majority in this country. 

Chicken Tandoori

The most important thing that I have learnt in my life is that only thing that matters in life is the present. The right here right now. I, since I have seen the deep arrangement of this nation, have realised that the future is unsure, more than one would believe it to be, and that one's past can be co-opted and reinterpreted or can be irreversibly ruined. It's all psychological alchemy, if some good person comes to know that you used to masturbate in your teens it would be something endearing. It is how I view the antics of the Gen Z on social media. However if a lower class criminal rapist, exactly the kind of Individuals who are employed be the deep structure of this nation as crowd control enforcers, it would be a thing of blackmail. The normal state for good people and the dispossessed in Purvanchal, and I do not know about whole of the country, is that of an existential blackmail and intimidation through religion and this religion unfortunately fails to affect the so called "bahubalis". When I returned to Purvanchal in 2016 after living out of the region for whole of eighteen years I found my culture destroyed. My hometown now has burger and pizza shops but the community that was there in the 90s has been destroyed and people live like the how people in metros live in their flats and the community now is not of genuine concern but fake. Villages, despite the Panchayat politics, still retain genuine concern but I do not know for how long and in villages one pays for genuine concern by also allowing malignant interference in life. This malignant interference was not there in the 90s, or at least not as rampant. Though, personally, I have been a victim of malignant interference in my life throughout my life. It is post 2016 that I realised that in Purvanchal, and I don't know if it can be genralised to the whole of India, the intelligence and providence are the same thing and it is invasive, so invasive that if you do not pay attention it will take your decisions on your behalf, and since it is malignant those decisions won't be good. It's basically the age old village rapist setup, in which which village rapists raped mothers and sisters of lower caste people in front of them for entering the temple or drawing water from the well but just a level deeper where you can't differentiate this setup from God and at the upper echelons this setup meets the industry and corporations. The issue is not this however, any system is technically a system, the issue is that not only these motherfuckers are impune but also incompetent and tyranny hits differently when it is coupled with incompetence. The most tragic part that I ended up realising was that indigenous religion in this country is not even nationalised and networked. The godmen are lackeys of local so called strongmen and do the job that is equivalent of guiding the chicken to tandoor. 

Hell Hath No Fury

 It’s all about simplification, about essence of things. There are majorly two types of people, those who take other people’s things without compensating for them and do not feel bad about it, and the second those who do not take other’s things and if they do they compensate for them. There should be no questions that the world is actually ruled by the first kind of people. It is at the base about domination, socio-economic, financial, resource, sexual. When one comes to know about it, it leaves the ones who just want to do their job quietly and peacefully in a very bad place but there is nothing that can be done about this. The arrangement of the world was such that it could have been ensured that the second kind of individuals look over people but it didn’t happen and there can be a few reasons for it, one, the first kind is what that ended up with power of course through the only method power can be acquired, brute force and deception, and propagated its own kind, and second, the maxim that absolute power corrupts absolutely is true and those who tasted power became irreversibly corrupted, and in any of the scenario a common hardworking man who simply wants to do his work and chill with family is in the loss. Is there something that can be done about that? Not really. Only things that are going to help are acceptance and awareness. Awareness that one is being exploited by individuals who they wouldn’t want to a hundred kilometers near in real life. Once this is understood and the awareness is established, the normal life can resume. I have seen the bottom line and existence of God is impossible and by God I mean real God the loving, caring God. If by God you understand something that has absolute power over you and your life. That God exists but this God is whimsical and in a country like India it is also incompetent despite being omniscient. Technically this God is omnipotent too but this omnipotence is undercut by incompetence. We live in worlds where hell and heaven both exists and they can be both physical locations and states of mind and worse both physical location and state of mind at the same time. When one is younger they want to do a lot of things, they want to be a lot of things and when I was younger and I saw Vice documentaries and the Vice reporter going at locations that were equivalent to hell I wanted to do that. Though I didn’t need to get employed by Vice to do so. Hell, as it turns out, can be delivered directly to you and you can be on a beach sipping a margarita and yet your mind can be in the deepest pit of hell. For such individuals it doesn’t matter whether they are on hills or beaches, whether they are in a 5 Star hotel or a red light area. I have seen illness and I have seen that hell and since people who have chronic illness get used to it. I entered hell and I got used to it, I setup my hammock and prepared my pina colada while switching to a beach view. The concept of hell, especially the biblical kind of hell, needs you to make only one mistake to transport you to hell for eternity, for eternal damnation. This is what happened with Dr. Faustus. He signed a pact with the Devil for more knowledge and got eternally damned. So one mistake and one is eternally damned. Unfair? Well those are the rules of the game. In the country we live whether one lives in hell or heaven gets decided even before birth, and then there is concept of reincarnation. There is also Garud Puran where numerous punishments are given to people like boiling a person alive for their transgressions. Now lets have a cyberpunk twist to the story of Faustus. What if Faustus didn’t sign the pact by himself and if he was under influence just like a robot being run through a wireless setup? His eternal damnation becomes even more tragic. Though the world we live in thrives on tragedy. In Indian red light districts the prostitutes still pray and light incense to God. Those who are totally disenfranchised and dispossessed still think they have something to lose and this is the actual beauty of the country we live in, making people who have nothing to lose still think that they have things to lose while at the same time keeping the deprivation alive. The same example can be sought in the case of Indian transgenders or hijras. When you enter a metaphysical hell, like in the case of people with mental health issues such as depression or dysthymia with anhedonia you still have choices although they are very limited. Self-care for people with mental health issues is extremely difficult and while the world goes on thinking of them as lazy or losers this judgement keeps on accumulating as a ledger that they have to balance. When I entered hell, it was the best thing that could’ve happened to me because I since my late teens wanted to be a writer and what can be more interesting than mapping the territory of hell, or becoming an investigative journalist in hell, Vice style. 

Libido Disco

I had read somewhere that the job of a writer is to write what other people think but can't put into words. I don't know how true it is but sometimes it is necessary and I kind of do it in case of my political writings which were never my priority as I was majorly a fiction writer but you know about life enough and you end up realising all life is political. I was a poet during my college times along with other personal topics I used to write romantic poetry and sometimes, when the libido accumulated, sensuous poetry. I was a believer in sublimation and poetry was a medium for sublimation of my impulses. This write-up is about romantic relationships and it, like I said contains things people think but can't put into words. In the past decade I ended up realising that the base reality of this nation is rape and through my experiences I ended up realising that this land is basically controlled by enforcers who have somatized sexual predation and somatized misogyny. There are talks about Brahmincal patriarchy in the common narrative and Indian feminist narrative but I haven't been able to confirm it through my experiences that it is actually patriarchy of a Brahminical nature but what I have subjectively confirmed is that predatory misogyny is the base state of the deepest structure of this nation and it actually turns out to be Brahminical patriarchy, and there is no apparent way to confirm it, it has betrayed not only the culture, nation but also the civilization. Like I said, sexual predation and misogyny is somatized in the enforcers employed for clandestine crowd control in this nation who are I would guess either employed by the oligarchic establishment, feudal establishment or intelligence setup of this nation, and if it turns out to be the intelligence setup of this nation it would be a shame because the setup is so invasive it can't even be called intelligence at all as it one assumes intelligence involves some kind of "work" plus as I have experienced this entity these motherfuckers are incompetent and whimsical and are doing anything to anyone and presenting it as fate. As I was talking about Purvanchal, the place I hailed from. Relationships between a man and woman lasted for a lifetime and it is the case until the boomer generation who were the last generation to use handwritten letters for communication. The current trend in management of Purvanchal, which is unfortunately too invasively biopolitical, is getting incompatible people married with each other so that either they keep suffering throughout their lives or end up in divorce, it seems unreal but then divorce cases are increasing and so are the cases of women running away with other men or men having affairs. While just three decades ago women and men had their separate domains in the household, now everything is confused and the latest feudal technology crowd management is to prevent social mobility of talented individuals by getting them married to someone who is a liability and works like stone tied to their leg, while this might seem too strange and unbelievable, the patterns speak for themselves and they can be noticed. In metros there is an epidemic of infidelity and swinging and unfortunately the same can be said about the small towns it's just that they are actively repressed though the concept of "rakhail" has been in small towns for quite a long time even if it is looked down upon. When I was in college I got into a platonic relationship, which unfortunately is impossible with Indian women, because, and I'm sorry to say this, they lack the education to have depth and it's not their fault because this lack of education is structural and a byproduct of entrenched misogyny. As my personal life goes, I'm married and as a poet I have a muse who I base my poetry on. Though I had to think on the lines of what is emotionally right as far as male female romantic relationships go, not politically, legally or socially right but emotionally right. I was forced to think on these lines when I realised that there is a structural arrangement to deprive people of romance and emotional fulfillment and a lot of people live with a hole in their hearts throughout their lives and unfortunately it is done by individuals employed by the deep structure who are whimsical rapists with rape somatized in their systems with no hope of recovery. I realised the western concept of sugar daddy or sugar mommy is a correct concept though in a western setting is finance dependent and the sugar stands for money,  in an Indian context, if we are talking decency, the sugar can be emotional safety and guidance and this might end up helping people with holes in their hearts. The blunt truth is that decency in India is the domain of middle class which unfortunately eroding fast due socio-political and socio-economic pressures and if I be blunt and overgeneralize a bit the middle class is sandwiched by beasts downward due to deprivation and upward due to excesses and it is really difficult to really be human with deprivation. Romance I realise is dead in this country and entertainment for those who have their eyes open they know is a front for sex trafficking and I'm not talking about valid platforms such as theatre. Sublimation of impulses and especially libido is getting extinct worldwide and people are now monetizing their libido and instead of writing poetry they are opening an OnlyFans account. There is not much that can be done here but those who want to really love the old fashioned way will have to stick to their old fashioned ways with conviction. 

Proximal

What I write has an embedded goal in it that those who read what I write become free of their pain and suffering. However this is structurally impossible. Pain, in the world, we live in is like physics, it's a force and you will feel the pain when the force hits you no matter whether you are prepared for it or not. Also, since this physics is political in nature it would be made sure that environments, both internal and external, are such that you end up feeling the pain. So, my goal has its limitations but it still achieves much by giving people the diagnosis of their pain and suffering. The way I had my life experiences, I ended up seeing the base reality of this nation as predatory, and it's not a paranoid reading, it's a very much empirical reading based on what I ended up seeing beneath the surface of religion, culture and politics. I was majorly a fiction writer but I was forced to write political shit, something that I have no interest in whatsoever, because I ended up realising through very concrete, although subjective still, experiences, that those who control the culture as well as religion only see it as a means to an end. The base psychology of this nation is Pavlovian, and that means what you suffer doesn't have to be your Karma, it has to just appear as your Karma. I ended up realising for those who truly rule this country people are not even numbers, as taking people as numbers is a common bureaucratic method, they think of people as animals, and not in an animal lover manner but in a contemptuous manner. They breed, herd and cull people, and worse they slaughter and use them as game. Of course I ended up seeing this shit, and I talk in bottom lines and what I might have seen and experienced is bottom line, but once you see it and if you have an analytical eye, you can't really unsee it and anyway if you see it happening once you know the basic truth that it happens. People being herded like animals is not the most tragic part here, the most tragic part is that not only these motherfuckers are infinitely, cruel and sadistic, they are also incompetent. The incompetence is the most tragic part here. Of course at the base is resources and finance, and sex which given the absolute edge in power dynamic expresses itself as exploitation and rape. While I had my views of the world constructed from Discovery Channel and Nat Geo documentaries the base truth remains mediaeval whimsy, now just at a level it can't be visible unless you end up getting the eyes to see it which again is covered by elaborate systems and designs but they end up being hogwash once one ends up being on the recieving side of the whimsy. The thing to remember is that happiness is the base state of a human being and let no one tell you otherwise. If you are not happy or content, something is wrong. Buddha might have said that life is suffering which is true for most but if you open your eyes and see, it is actually not for all and so many relegate and dump their suffering on others or worse in a pure mediaeval method suffer through a proxy. 

Lion Capital

One has to have a deep understanding of the country to navigate the deep reality of it. I understood the country through Purvanchal, which was supposed to be my native, though ultimately I ended up realising that your only native is your family and if you are pushing it, your community. It was a serendipity but I ended up realising that the cultural machine in Purvanchal is corrupt and I do not know how true it is for other regions of this country. This kind of thing is inevitable when the culture intersects with feudalism, religion, politics and corporate interests. I have seen the last remnants of my culture back in the 90s, and when I woke up from my sleep of chasing a career and stability, I ended up realising that it is James Cameron's Avatar happening in real-time only thing different is the ones doing it to my culture are not as classy and grossly incompetent compared to Avatar's antagonists. When I gained the eyes to see it I realised that it is British style Divide and Rule and active exploitation in overdrive coupled with cold war Russia style surveillance. One would suppose that a country like India would have an intelligence establishment, especially internal, doesn't seem to be the case from what I have seen because as a common citizen I would assume that the intelligence establishment, especially domestic, would neutralise threats, and that's not happening at all crypto-islamists and urban naxals with iphones who send common people on the path of naxalism are thriving, the indigenous religion of this nation has been dogmatised and defiled. If at all what I have experienced is the intelligence establishment of this country here are my two cents about it: one would assume that intelligence establishment of a country would have good individuals who know how criminals function, but what I have seen is it's criminals who know how good people function and it ends up being less of an intelligence setup and more of a criminal exploitation setup. In the past decade I have seen the kind of misuse of power and capriciousness that was beyond my wildest imaginations to associate with a country like India as it projects itself. People's lives are based on whimsy and this happens when these motherfuckers have all the means to judge people and their characters though I doubt they have the intent and competence. While I believed in the government till at least 2013, I ultimately ended up realising that at the base of it all is feudal-corporate exploitation setup with religion and mafia as its enforcers and while that shouldn't bother common people who are good and do their jobs diligently unfortunately this setup is also the providence.