Chain kuli ki

Too much cold causes gangrene, but it also preserves you. In a social sense cold behaviour towards other is like social gangrene, which is kind of epidemic. But, when you have contracted it. Once you are dead, ironically, it preserves you. It preserves you from scavengers, those who'll feed even on necrosed tissues. Until you have the slightest existence left in you, you are always in the line. A line for consumption. A part of the food chain. Being the apex predator never helps because death is the apex predator, and life is on its mercy.

We are like a 4th grade karmachari working for this intricate foodchain, waiting to be consumed. What would one feel when one's neck is between the jaws of a predator after all those costly and time consuming treatments of one's cervical spondylosis. Material accumulation, and non material accumulation, for our safety, or sense of safety, and our basic and self-created needs. Need for food and water, for love and for something to thrust our privates against. All are baits. And all we have to do is to relish the juicy taste of the bait, till we are hunted.

Moonchild the sailor dogfish

The yellow submarine silently explores the vast green sea. The captain looks through the periscope for the slightest hint of the island of strawberry fields, where japanese school girls pick strawberries in their straw baskets.

The sailors are donating the atoms in their cells to the reactor and the submarine goes on.

The underwater kingdom of mermen and mermaids look in awe at the yellow alien spaceship as the yellow submarine moves on in its quest.

The purple dogfish is looking at the orange goldfish with thousand eyes. Dogfish loves the goldfish. Dogfish's name is Moonchild, and goldfish is called Rainbow.

Moonchild's love for Rainbow is not known to all; not even the sweet Rainbow. He wants to buy her glasses with thousand lenses so that she can see the world as he sees it. But all true love stories are tragedies, and Moonchild has been in love more than ten times, and knows that Rainbow's body is of no use to him(as it is full of eyes all over, and it freaks him out), and he can never win her heart( because she hasn't any).

As the submarine passes the abode of Moonchild, he quietly hops in and wears a sailors cap. He goes to the coffee machine, drinks the kaapichino, and salutes the captain. The captain is happy to see Moonchild.

Finally they see the island. And once the submarine anchors there, the crew pluck a lot of strawberries and pop a lot of Japanese cherries. Later, on the beach, on a breezy moonlit night with sailors all inebriated and gleeful, Moonchild is placed on a fire with a strawberry stuffed in his mouth. He looks at the sailors drooling at something but he was feeling too hot to guess what's cooking in crew's mind.

When....

When chameleons grow little dragon wings and fly towards the rainbow to add more colors to their deception. When virgin roses bloom to scatter their fragrance in the misty air to call for their lovers. When crystal glasses clang together to incite  a feeling of friendship and bonhomie in suspicious hearts. When the slimy octopus sucks away the life from a helpless prey. When corroded barrels refuse to follow the orders of trigger-happy fingers. When....

Hard bottomed abyss

What are you afraid of when you've lost everything? That's a question which keeps echoing in my mind and then I realize that loss is endless, and i am in debt. A sensation of a gangrape being committed to your soul the each living moment and then your soul acts like a whore. Why must i not enjoy it? Being fucked. The voice in the head says. When you're falling into an endless abyss,  is it not like a free of cost bungee jumping without a rope? May be it is not. You scratch your balls in your solitary abode; you look around and you find no one and that's because you've chosen it. Life poses difficult questions and not all need to be answered, and who says that? Are we sure of anything, unless we choose to be sure? The hands of the clock keep moving, and you keep getting older, just waiting for your impending doom, getting life lessons from the experts around you. They teach you lessons, or may be they give you the revisions of the lessons you've already had. And you learn quietly. Because it is going to be never ending. And when it ends, you end. When you hit the ground, it's no more an abyss. But when you hit the ground it's then the real fun begins. I like music but it depends; for some the sound of breaking bones is music, for me it's not. A matter of personal taste. May be the real journey begins when you reach the end of not-so-much-of-an-abyss. May be. Who wants to be sure?

Stars and bears

The stars in the galaxy keep staring at us, or are they busy burning? Burning because of us or for their respective planets? Stars are all gas; but unlike the answer papers of students like me, this gas is matter. And the stars burn, and from far away it looks like they are twinkling, for us, and we make figures out of them, in our minds, like the bear. Bears make kids happy. Like the teddy bear. But do children make the bear happy? I think not. Not even his own children. But Winie the pooh and Yogi bear are stars and so is our own Ted.

A fool's story

I consider myself invariably a foolish fellow. I have spent almost half of my life experimenting with myself without regard to consequences though in this process i have taken utmost care that i don't hurt anybody but i have come to see that whatever precaution you take life is a bitch which makes you commit mistakes which you do not intend to commit in the first place. Anyway, my life has been an interesting journey till now, and if i may say, more interesting than anybody's life i am acquainted with. After suffering some major blows from life i had decided to live without any sort of principle except one, that is, not to let anybody have any trouble because of me, and i thought i was successful until life proved the exact opposite.

I have lived a reckless life, at least till now, and am an extremely irresponsible brat, though deep inside i am very responsible and thus feel guilty for everything, but does it matter? Does anything matter? Well not unless we want it to.

Sone ki chiriya

I would like to think about India as 'sone ki chiriya' as they had mentioned in our school textbooks. Thinking is a beautiful thing. You can think anything and reality may be totally away from the things going in your mind.

I have stopped reading newspapers, I would not recommend you to read them unless you're too delusional and still believe in 'Mera bharat mahan'.

'Mera bharat mahan tha'. Stone age mein, Iron age mein, Bronze age mein. We have been ruled by so many people throughout the history that it's a shame on us. That actually hints that we're born to be ruled, anybody can subject and overpower us? We have been like sheep, the Indian people, guided by shepherds throughout the history.

Today, our rulers are chosen from among us, home-made-shepherds and how do we choose them? Around 30% of our population is illiterate. If we see how at least half of them are born? We will see their roots in college politics, and that's a good thing, but how many of them choose politics for the good of the country, I don't know.

People lack basic amenities and our representatives chosen by us from among us enjoy VIP status forgetting what it's like to be a common man and indulging in political plays to save their position and power. These are the old things about politics, and these things are happening since ages, all over the world. But, the motive of a leader should be welfare of people, for the sole reason, that they have chosen their life, though for this we need ideals which seems to be lacking in today's Indian society.

Love... aur uska the end...

What is love? I'm still trying to figure out but I really hope it's more than just play of chemicals in the brains as given in physiology and neurophysiology books. I would always prefer to believe in the ideal concept of love, but then it's not that practical in today's scenario, or may be it never was.
For me the first experience of it was during my 11th std, and it was a rather strong one. I am not sure if it was love or infatuation, and don't even want to be. It was strong though, like very strong.
Act I:
It was summer and it was the first day of my Chemistry tution class. We were sitting in the room and doing some numericals on moles concept or something I don't exactly remember. I was trying to solve the problems as fast as I could so that I can impress the teacher coz obviously the first impression is last impression, and then I heard that voice "Yaar tere paas pen hai?" This was the sweetest voice I had ever heard, and it happend, it was love at the first hearing (no it was not a court and you can judge me), I turned back and looked at her.
*Violin music cue*
  "Haan hai"
"Actually woh na mere pen ki ink khatam ho gayi"
"Ok"
"Toh please ek pen de de na"
"Ok"
*End violin music cue*
Now, "Yaar tere paas pen hai" would have left me rolling on the floor with laughter as 'pen' those days was a short for male genitalia in my class andor that matter the coversation "Yaar tere paas pen hai" "haan hai" would have been declared the joke of the year among my mates. But, I didn't laugh. One.
Two. I did not have two pens. I had just one with which I was writing, and she did not ask me "yaar tere paas do pen hain?" but "yaar tere paas pen hai?" Still, I handed over my pen to her.
I sat and whiled away my time, couldn't complete my numericals and was branded as a fool by my teacher. First impression is the last impression. Indeed.
Act V
It was a pink february cold and it was class 12th. Holidays for preparation of boards had begun.
Three friends were sitting in the park. Some random rock band played a depressing lyrics in one of the phones.
"Lega"
"Tu jaanta hai na main cigarette nahi peeta"
"Lele, us kutiya ke liye kyun ro raha hai"
"Kutiya mat bol"
"Ok mere baap, us mahaan devi ke liye kyun ro raha hai, le sutta pee"
Don't ask me about the missing acts coz it's a long story. But then one of the dialogues in between include "tu jispe marta hai na, maine uski ghodi banayi".
I never thought her as a bitch, but then thinking her as a mare was a nightmare. I had lost my first race in the racecourse of love.
LOL

Fighting with self..

Resolving your own conflicts can be difficult. You know it all. You've figured out everything but still your self does not agree to accept the truth. It wants to believe in it's own version of truth which is comfortable to itself and not to you.

Opposing wills, very schizoid trait I must say, but I've been struggling with it almost half of my life and even more than that. I am sometimes surprised on realizing that how people can be so sure of things, but as I know, most people see things from a fixed perspective, unlike me, who sees things in various perspectives and thus fails to tell if an idea, action or incident is wrong, unless ofcourse it's wrong on humanistic and moralistic terms. 

Resolving conflicts with your own self takes time, especially if it's genetically obstinate, which in my case it is. But I will do it.

Nature of delusions...

The biggest mistake I did in my life was breaking my delusions. Naked stark reality is not cool and when it comes to motivation it sucks like a 50 year old experienced whore. After my each dream got fucked by circumstances, I stripped  myself of beliefs and started believing in the philosophy of 'nanga nahayega kya aur  nichodega kya'. Now, the major error that occurred was that I was not selective while stripping myself of delusions. I just shed them all at once, and that brought me insurmountable suffering.

The thing to know is, everything has a reason, if people are deluded, they are deluded for a reason. Letting things happen naturally, as they really are is the deal. Things are the best when they are natural, and a very few people will deny this statement. Then a thought strikes, what is unnatural? Everything is governed by the laws of the nature and even if something is not happening in accordance to its normal nature, it's still happening according to natural laws. This is so confusing that it looks like a long shitty wordplay and probably it sounds like crap too. I give up.

Of black sheep, dark horses and ugly ducklings

I have felt alone, I have felt lonely and I was forsaken in my worst times but still I love company. I like meeting with people, talking to them, knowing about them, mixing with them but still I was a loner by choice during my college days. I did not like the obvious approaches of my classmates, their predictable behaviour and jealousy so I behaved more in a ‘cute smile-fuck off’ manner. Most of my time was spent on that hidden path cut in the hill, smoking, listening to music and contemplating.Every evening I used to go to that area with a soft-drink can and a pack of cigarettes. With the earplugs plugged into my ears and the beautiful bright green scenery contrasting with the red hills, the puffs of smoke felt nothing but heavenly.The real cause of loneliness I believe, is not having people who complement you, around. The people whom you like, who share your interests and make you happy. One can be surrounded by thousand people and still feel lonely if he is not accepted or identified. A person needs his kind but in the end of it all we realize, up to a limit, being lonely is not a choice but feeling lonely is.

A Religious Atheist?

Personally I am an atheist and I consider myself a Hindu atheist. Since I was born a Hindu and a Rajput I will be trying my very best to stick to my duties. I can't believe in God for very scientific, factual, basic reasons(and still I use capital G in God because I respect other peoples beliefs).

I am a Hindu and I take part in prayers, idol worship, pujas, yajnas and every Hindu ritual and that is obviously for satisfaction of my family. I don't believe that these things have any effect except for mental satisfaction, peace of mind and obviously bringing the community together. These things are then obviously good but not so good to satisfy me.

There is one Hindu philosophical school which satisfies my quest for truth and that is the 'Samkhya'. It is a dualistic and Atheistic Hindu philosophical school which denies God and accepts 'Purusha' and 'Prakriti'. Samkhya philosophy regards the universe as consisting of two realities: Purusha (consciousness) and Prakriti (phenomenal realm of matter). Well I must say this is the best way out I have got to personally satisfy myself in the area of religion and God because after all we all need something to believe in.

 

God is a DJ... World is a dance-floor......

*scratch* chiki chiki whoosh....

Djing is cool. Not for parents but for teenagers. I am not teenage now but still it looks cool may be because I have a history with it. Stand in front of the console and just yo yo and go go.

Well it still looks cool but not that cool and definitely not as a job though. I remember my time in tenth when I used to be Neo.... quiet in my room.... experimenting with the digital stuff. That was when I came across DJing. The first target of my amateur bedroom djng was Himesh reshammiya. It was the time when he was the king of music. OooooooOooooooOooooOoooOoooOooOooOooooo. These are not bubbles but Himesh Reshmmiyas superhit doggy style nasal twang. I remixed all songs of him.

Then in twelfth the amateur DJ used his skill to try and get her girl.....the plan was also amateur just like him... He remixed Bheege honth tere(and few others) for his girl and for her sidekick(every beautiful girl's got a giggling sidekick.) and then this DJ Dhoomketu(Suketu is/was already there) took it in his phone to make them listen. They stood outside the tutions and listened and laughed at him. He felt miserable and that was the end of his djing career.

But liking remains the liking. Nice mixing and Djing still catches his ears. Nice club music and fusion still makes him move to the beat. He still craves to hear nice beatmatching and scratching. But now he himself is like a scratch disc and God is moving him... backward.... forward.. chiki chiki...whoosh.

Top Recommended Hindi Remixes....

Chandan sa badan Remix.
Kabhi Kabhi Remix
Kanta laga Remix ;)
Chhod do aanchal
Yaara seeli seeli
Badan pe sitaare
list is longer......

keep scratching ;)

Laddu.....

People should have a little if not much humanity in them but that bastard didn't had any. I respect my elders, teachers and everybody,.. I mean that's what you call 'sanskar'. But he was a person who broke my rule. I feel really bad about myself when I hate someone but I hate that person with the bottom of my heart,... he made my life misrable and instilled in me a fear which took a lot of time to be overcome. And yes he was my teacher in school.

I don't know why people become teachers. Is it to show of the whatever little knowledge they have to the children who don't know anything? six years have passed but I haven't forgotten those days. I mean he totally believed in the concept of "catch them young and ruin them young", but he failed. The bastard is still alive and may be ruining more lives of innocent children.

i was blocked and i couldn't retaliate but things still linger....., some times i feel that how can I hate a teacher? But then i know... he wasn't a teacher,.... he was a bastard...

I gotta feeling...2

I am feeling like a freaking n00b in a quake 3 arena filled with experts. I have to save my butt from getting fragged. All kinds of Visors, Majors and Grunts ready with their plasma, chain, rail and machine guns.

It's the real most quake 3 arena you can ever think of. If you go well it'll be.......

Perfect..

Accuracy...

and all the others...

I gotta feeling 1..

Wow! Everything I believed till now proved to be wrong. Lots of things there are to be known till you feel you are correct but you can never be fully correct. Not until you gotta gun in your hand and that is never in my agenda :). Everyday I notice people with full blown defences, everyday I notice my defences. My personality was composed purely of defences until recently and then you get the insight. Nice time. So took a lot cracking up mine and i am still watching defences of others. Am I laughing? Still I don't have a gun so I ain't right.

My grandfather often says- "आत्मसम्बल और आत्मसम्मान व्यक्ति की सबसे बड़ी पूँजी है". So I was bankrupt until recently because I had lost both of these assets till I found them back. My grandfather is a great man and when I see him I see him doing the right thing always and he has never had a gun.

A jigsaw.....

Life is a just like a jigsaw puzzle. You need put every piece at its place to make the picture. I have been trying to fix up my puzzle since a long time and have been quite successful in it. I've been very critical about me and now its like I should give myself a relaxation. You can't be too critical about yourself because it makes you strive for perfection which is hard if not impossible to achieve.

My job as a homoeopathy student is teaching me a lot, though I am absolutely not what you would call an ideal student because I sleep in class, I sit at the backbench most of the times and do a few things an ideal student won't do. I have been having a hard time to understand homoeopathy as it is taught in the college because I see homoeopathy in my own light. I see the beauty of this art and I have experimented it over no one but myself. I am the first patient of myself and have seen the miraculous result of this art.

I have been having trouble in bringing myself together after the illness which has significantly improved now but still one of the major problems affecting my performance. I have been having lots of trouble in social front but it all comes in the same package.

I am inclined to neurosis I believe and have been trying a lot to remove the causes of it. I have been quite successful in doing so.

Now I am bent on making this puzzle a complete picture and see what is it!

A sense of humor.........

People used to tell me that I have a great sense of humor once. People do tell me this sometimes now also when I am in state of hypomania. Man had a tail once, and the appendix also used to function once to digest cellulose when we used to eat cellulose content like cows do. I had a sense of humor once and one of the greatest, it has become like an appendix not yet a tail though.

I think serious man. People still consider me funny. I am some serious fun for them I guess. Well its just my belief that I am something great something like Plato and Socrates, Its a fucking delusion. But those guys were also humans and had the same brains(morphologically, anatomically, physiologically, chemically and all that)inside their brain vault. Am I funny, am I? I mean It's just something like Travis Bickle from the Taxidriver, "you talkin to me?". I am funny? Oh yeah I am. I have the most serious sense of humor if you have got some bloody intellect. I mean if you haven't got enough brain cells in your brain, I aint funny and that's totally cool with me because I don't want to be funny.

Now since I am doing some serious homoeopathy in some serious college sense of humor is up in my arse. I have become a serious phiosopher reading homeopathic philosophy from H.A. Roberts, Stuart Close and great J.T. kent. Reading psycho analytical works of freud and busy coping up with some serious personal shit in my college. I mean when the study is up in your arse and you can't cope with it and atmosphere the sense of humor you tend to have ascends to your portal circulation from your arse and gives you shocks at unexpected times. You can't control it can you, who cares? and who wants to be called funny? That word is made for clowns.

locating me in a maze and everywhere i've been...

Sometimes I feel that my mind is a kind of maze. I feel lost within myself. The one thing I have been desperately looking forward to is clarity of mind. I mean my life has not been that simple still one of my professors quoted me, "things are simple, don't make it complex." I agree to that.

Now after all these hardships I believe that I am attaining clarity of thinking process. Lots of knowledge can screw you, that kind of happened with me.

I behave differently at different times though that's common for a human but still I feel I should be more in control of myself. The association of different mes is important.

I changed various places. Nagina was beauty. Too many good memories and some very bad too. But thats what life is. I still remember my life in Nagina 'the handicraft city' it was very cool, I mean one of the coolest life I ever had.

Then in Ghazipur I was comfortable, at home but not under my own skin, I will say Ghazipur is my hometown and I love my hometown, I am comfortable in Ghazipur but its a little pressure over me at that place.

Meerut I mean is 'whateva'. I learnt to survive there. But it was one of the coolest times of my life.

Mangalore is kinda 'save my ass place' which is what I am doing in college. Lot's of rants but that later............

Shit!

Different versions of shit!

College Guys- "oh Shit man!

College Girls- aww shit!

Video game playing guy- shiit! darn!

Rikshawwala- oh sett..

Guy relieved with shit - shit.... yess

Hollywood movie - Oh no shit!

Hollywood movie dubbed - dhat teri ki (oh shit)

Some village boys playing cricket and missing a ball - oh satttt yaaar

Sophisticated aunty - ohh ouch shiat!

Guys falling from a bike - bullshit!