Probably in death i may find an answer. To confide in something or someone in the time of a crisis would be great but the design is perfect. I wish to end it, finish it once and for all. But, there are things which need to be fulfilled that make me stay. The complexity of it all and my inability to get out of it, not the things done but my life as a whole has been tiring. One thing go wrong and then the chain reaction starts. There is no escape from this, and i so want to take the final escape route.

Even with a scientific attitude it feels as if my whole life has been jinxed and there is no way out from this incessant suffering than the final goodbye. The wait for it is too punishing, but because of being betrayed by life itself.

This is a never ending loop that will continue forever. It has scarred me and my experiences. It has taken away everything i had and more. At least i know of my hardwork, courage and goodwill for  people and that should be enough. I had thought i will pull myself out, but no, i can't because one can pull himself out when he is alone, or when there is someone for pulling him up. Life has always been unforgiving to me and this is a pattern that would continue, until i end this cycle myself.

Happiness is a thing that eludes me everytime i get a little closer to it. One ends of living a life that is exactly opposite of what he is, becoming the exact opposite of what he is. The heaviness of this is indescribable but i will have to carry the load as far as i can for the people who are still there.