I worked, overcame the issues i had and got ready to help people with similar issues, but i was young and naive. There are no issues and people with suffering with keep suffering. I have been damaged beyond a point where it has become difficult to live. Had it not been the family, i would've had no reason to live. I overcame my fear, and for that i was told that i'm a psychopath. I've lived my life with integrity, and loved everyone in my life with deepest of my feelings. This is an unfortunate end to a mammoth struggle which can't even be defined. People die everyday and i will also die, what hurts me the most is the reminder of the Herculean struggle i've done. World was not for me and now i know this. I was just the opposite of everything i was portrayed as, but it won't matter anyway and anyhow. The damage has been done, my image has been tarnished. It's just that my self image has not been harmed and that keeps me happy.

अपने अनुभवों को अगर मैं लिखने बैठूं तो शायद शब्द ढूँढने पड़ें। किताबों की बातें किताबों तक ही सीमित रह जाती हैं। अगर ईश्वर होता तो शायद वो मुझे समझता, पर मेरा सुकून छोटे छोटे पत्थर के ईश्वरों में ही है। कहते हैं सत्य की विजय होती है, और अगर ऐसा है तो कितना भी घुमावदार क्यों न हो उसकी विजय होनी चाहिए। मुझे मेरी विजय नहीं चाहिए, कभी चाहिए नहीं थी। लोग ईश्वर पर विश्वास करते हैं, और अगर उनका ईश्वर है तो वो सत्य जानता है।

मैंने सत्य की खोज कर ली। ईश्वर की खोज के लिए मेरे सत्य को सामने आना होगा। परिणाम जो भी हो, मेरा सत्य मैं जानता हूँ। इस पीड़ा का कोई अंत नहीं है, और विज्ञान के युग में मैं ऐसे किसी चमत्कार की अपेक्षा भी नहीं करता जो मेरे सत्य का लोगो को अनुभव करा दे।

निरर्थक प्रयासों के बाद, ईश्वर से मैं ये ही चाहूँगा की मेरा सत्य सामने आये, क्योंकि ये सत्य सिर्फ देखने का ही नहीं, अनुभव करने का  भी है।

Probably in death i may find an answer. To confide in something or someone in the time of a crisis would be great but the design is perfect. I wish to end it, finish it once and for all. But, there are things which need to be fulfilled that make me stay. The complexity of it all and my inability to get out of it, not the things done but my life as a whole has been tiring. One thing go wrong and then the chain reaction starts. There is no escape from this, and i so want to take the final escape route.

Even with a scientific attitude it feels as if my whole life has been jinxed and there is no way out from this incessant suffering than the final goodbye. The wait for it is too punishing, but because of being betrayed by life itself.

This is a never ending loop that will continue forever. It has scarred me and my experiences. It has taken away everything i had and more. At least i know of my hardwork, courage and goodwill for  people and that should be enough. I had thought i will pull myself out, but no, i can't because one can pull himself out when he is alone, or when there is someone for pulling him up. Life has always been unforgiving to me and this is a pattern that would continue, until i end this cycle myself.

Happiness is a thing that eludes me everytime i get a little closer to it. One ends of living a life that is exactly opposite of what he is, becoming the exact opposite of what he is. The heaviness of this is indescribable but i will have to carry the load as far as i can for the people who are still there.

There is nothing i can do to undo the damage done to me. With my future goals destroyed now, i do not have much to do and i'm undergoing this phase of indefinite joblessness.

I have become a character of my imagination in world's eyes and that wouldn't have been a problem if i was not destroyed on a personal level. The paranoia doesn't leave me, and i've been rendered useless.

When personal things can't be personal anymore then there goes one's right to claim one rights. If my personality has already been decided then nothing can be done, and all i can do is refuse it, because i know myself. Now i've been damaged to such an extent that i can't even fight back, can't dare to.

Sadism is a pleasing thing and i will have to undergo the suffering so that you can get that pleasure.

My suffering is my own, and i have undergone it despite being heavily stressed, sick. While my liver was failing i was being addressed as Dr. Hannibal. It's sad because i wouldn't have been able to eat my own liver if i had died.

I have kept my personal life seperate from all these issues and highly compartmentalized until everything was dragged into it.

As i'm in real, i do not disrespect anyone, and there is not an ounce of sadism in me. I was too busy to think about all this. While i was busy adapting for people in my life, i had also to things to fulfill my very personal goals which had nothing to do with women and social status. Sadly i find the rarest of rare ways to screw up.

Some people are extremely angry on me, and i take their anger, because i deserve it. I have apologized to some people for misunderstandings that have been there, and some are just bullying.

My blogging, how much ever worthless has just been a medium to explore myself. I have never made a personal remark, and if i have, in the rarest of cases and only on intrusion of my privacy that would never show my belief.

I have gone through hell, and there is no end to it. Everybody who is good in an area or has suffered heavily in that area owes to make a difference in that area whether he/she takes the reaponsibility or not.

Intentions never matter, but they are important for my conscience, and the peace of it. I blew it all away because i realized the worthlessness of it all. One can't climb on a boat that he has sunk.
The people i have hurt, are the only ones i care about the ones who are angry on me, even with hate and disgust. The rest is all bullying, and i realize that world never ends up not being a classroom. I love my people so much that i can give my life for them. I have undergone the worse, and i will have to be prepared for if something befalls on my family.

My emotions and feelings were falsified, and i have no option but to buy the popular version of morality. But given the options i have, i would consider it a fine option.

I'm sitting in the room on the first floor writing this as my baba whom i love more than anyone in the world and who is one of the greatest and bravest of men i've ever seen or known lies unconscious surrounded by the family. He is 90, and after the brain surgery, he has detoriated.

As a medical man i know the truth, and all i want for him is to go peacefully. It is a huge loss for me personally, and i have no one to share this pain with. Funniest bit is that i have always stood by my people whenever they have needed me, and now here i am, all alone. Dark humor can't get any better.

People for whom i dedicated my time and effort are not there, and they won't be, because this is how transient things are.

You mess up with a few people over the internet, and they vow to destroy your life. A 'real' life. I think it is a tick in the checkbox.

I do not have regrets for strangers over the internet. The regrets i have are for my own people, who couldn't be my own people, and that clearly proves the point that feelings don't matter.

Knowing something, and proving it first hand are two different things. I first realized it and then proved it first hand. I never did bother to answer anything because as i thought why would someone have so much time to ruin someone's life over an internet mishap. It kept growing and growing till it came down to my real life.

My personality got falsified. My thought experiments, creativity and transgressions were thrust upon me and my people were set against me.

Feelings and intentions do not matter here, and confirmation of this thing comes as relief to me in this painful hour.

Just some people who decide to ruin somebody, especially without knowing him personally, do that, and people who are closest and even reponsible in part for the person he is, also take part.

I have lost everything that is personal and did not regret it, thinking that it was just a nightmarish accident, but now when i'm going to lose the most precious thing i have, i actually have nothing.

With all the cynicism i write about, i am basically a romantic fool. A romantic fool who believes in just the opposite of what he knows.

Half of the people who bullied me didn't even know me. My shetty anna impersonation offended my best friend so much that he turned the guys with whom i used to do the same shetty anna impersonations against me. I wish i was so good in communications.

I have felt every bit of the personal attack done on me, and i have known mostly what was being done, until it spread to my real life. Surveillance reveals nothing about a person like me, it just gives a reason to destroy, especially if a person is like me, careless and ready to anything when asked to do things.

My internet history may be shameful, but the thing that has happened to me has increased my self-respect beyond measure.

One single person, and people who don't even know him, get busy bullying him out of the senses, luring him, for what? Thought experiments? Losing it for a while during a crisis? Talking nicely?

One theory of thousands must fit, and if it doesn't, it should be made to. Do feelings matter, take my word on it. They don't. I have lost everything on this experiment, and possibly would lose my life too. Feelings do not matter. Because each one of you out there bullying me, behind that facade i have always wished the best of you especially at the time i was there. The ones who were not there, and still resorted to bully me, you don't have to worry either, there is no karma, there is just power and offence to power.

The shetty anna thing was not on you my dear friend. I know you are as idealistic as me or may be even more, and you will be in discomfort if you came to know that i was innocent. I guess this is why you made sure that i don't turn out to be one. Well i have my flaws and my situations didn't help them much, and i have nothing against you. I respect the man you are, because i am that close to that from inside and i chose not to be that because, Dr. Faustus. Once a doctor, always a doctor, of whatever kind, even if the headache is throbbing, pulsating, or due to an ice-cream. I can't stop respecting you even after you destroy me, because you are extremely good at what you do, and you are a good man, as good as one can be. I've been through the Inferno and i guess made the best and the worst of it. I told you i had a people pleasing nature. Shetty anna one was not for you, but you really marked your presence in register of my mind.

When your worst fears come true, life starts looking unreal. Unluckily for me, i'm well versed in the business of worst fears coming true and now i'm optimistic enough to not to believe that it is ever going to stop being that. Worse times filter the friends one have, and this flood has done the cleaning job for me which i would've personally found very difficult due to the hurting sentiments part.

My baba, one of the greatest men i've ever known is in ICU. Being the tough man he is, he survived a brain surgery at 90, though being a doctor i have no misconceptions about whether his body will be able to endure for long.

This said, i will resort to the best medicine humankind has, and that is hope. I'm finished and whatever wreck of me is remaining, if it survives at all, will be put in paying back the debts of people.

I've seen the beauty of it, the beauty of ugliness. The beauty of desires and the beauty of offence and of offence to power. Though unintentional in all respects, i find myself lucky to have seen it.

Funniest thing of it all is that after going through all this hell, the worst enemy of myself is still me. Looks like i'm too hard on myself. I don't even find myself getting angry on everything that has happened to me, the only thing i do is marvelling on the grandiosity of it all, and that too for a person like me.

I fight my animal, but the beasts are in full unrestrained play everywhere. I knew where i was wrong and even after not giving the benefit of doubts and the concession of knowledge i give to others i did fine. I'm living through the nightmare as one of the greatest man i've ever known looks at me helplessly from his bed. A joke which takes lives, this is what it was, it took my future, and most probably will take my life, but it gave me knowledge about the 8th sin, and that is trust.

Why me? I wonder this sometimes but know the answer. I've been reduced to a non-functional mass, and my my skills have choked within me without seeing the daylight. My real self choked in the shadow of a projection which didn't even mean anything.

My losses have been terrible and unending, till now and i wish to put a stop to it. So much for so long, and all alone. I need to commend myself. Do i deserve this much hate? Well, i do. I'm happy if it is for the right reasons. All the pleasure that was provided has been sucked back with interest. I used to be funny once, despite all the pain i used to be extremely funny. Now i'm just a blob of flesh on the bed, eating and sleeping because of the damage done.

I'm already dead, all that is left is to kill my family by stopping my breath. Will the universe pay back for all the good deeds i've done? I doubt that.

I wish to sleep and never wakeup, and this is what i wish to do everyday. One man is never enough and i'm finished.

All of my courage and determination have become nil. Philosophizing comes in the end when one can't do anything, and i think this is what i can do, and keep breathing till i can.

Four years of incessant, inhuman treatment, and i have suffered it without flinching, only to be branded as a psychopath/ sociopath. What a life to be lived. Four years of continuous humiliation for being a person that i'm actually not. If that was not enough, i lost people from my real life.

I believe even criminals do not suffer this much. All this when i have given my best possible to everyone.

I do not have any complaint, because i think this was universe's way of answering my questions.