The B and C of betrayal and cheating

Betrayal is not a sweet thing. In my opinion it is ugly. I have been on the receiving side numerous times and may have been on the giving side unintentionally.

The real picture of the world is cheating and betrayal. The ones who do not cheat and betray, will be cheated and betrayed till they are dead. The sacrificing ones will be made to stand on the podium and encouraged to continue with their great work while selfish ones rip others of their skin and bones. The sacrificing ones will be betrayed into throwing away their lives for others which is actually good for them because their self-destructing instinct wants the same.

World is an intricate mesh of systems designed to make cheating look like honesty. An ideal world of honesty, truthfulness and of being able to accept one’s responsibility is only possible theoretically. The law can see things as black and white but reality is different. The law fails most of the times because the black and white many a time depends upon on what angle the light falls upon the object.
Innocence and goodness is bound to suffer in this world, and consequently would continue to produce self-sacrificing idiots whom the self-serving assholes will trample to achieve their goals.

We are being betrayed every moment. We are being cheated every moment. And we are doing the same to others because we are free to do so. Behind this facade of greatness, sacrifice, care, love, tenderness, all we are doing is serving ourselves. The best we can do here is to stop cheating ourselves.

I follow strict moral codes when it comes to others but my personal codes do not bind others to not to cheat me. I can’t let go of my codes, and whenever any mistake happens, i feel terribly guilty. The guilt trip is one of the most favourite hunting device of social predators. And these social predators with their self-serving ideals are being most true to the nature.

If you can’t go according to nature, it is your fault and you are going to suffer. And that suffering will ultimately get you on the right path. But among all this,even the most vicious ones are better than you, because they do not betray themselves.

God is alive and kickin

This is how i pay for being true, honest and kind. This is how the design is. I had well understood this as my suffering had begun. We carry our individual hell with us, at all times, and our paradise too. The satan walks with us, and the angel too, but for me, the God is dead.

We have individual rules for our hell. One hell can be different than other, by having more complex and difficult rules. Achieving some heavens can be so difficult that they may be almost impossible.
Failed to help someone even when you wanted to? You are going to burn in hell forever. In another hell it is not even an offence, even snatching food from a hungry person is not an offence there, may be it is the pre-requisite for the heavens.

When i failed to understand the world, biology became my bible. And Nature, my god. I am the son of Nature, the Natural Jesus or NJ who gets on the cross all the time for other beings. And yes, Jesus loves you.

I am just fed up of the facade of our dear society, but then it is necessary to keep people deluded because not everyone is sensible, and not every one is Jesus.

I have had my experiences with God, before i started believing in Nature like a pagan. God basically helps those who help themselves, and he helped me too, till the time i was able to help myself, then i suffered some problem and couldn’t help myself. My bad. I have nothing against God. The day i realized that God is dead, everything became God for me. And specially the nature.

God is the rising sun, the falling leave from the tree, the blooming flower, the drops of rains in the monsoon, the innocent smile of a child, the chivalry of a man, the beauty of a woman. Shiva, Parvati, Ganesha, Allah, Jesus, million other Gods of Hinduism, the pagan gods, the Greek gods, the Norse gods, the chinese, japanese, i am free to believe in all of them. I can scream and tell the deluded ones, that their god is dead, but mine is and are alive and kickin’.

A little dash of Nihilism

Knowing oneself is difficult. But we can know the basics, or the essence. We are work in progress, and we can keep building ourselves till we reach our deathbeds.

I consider myself a strong person but then Einstein had talked about relativity and a person is only as strong as the forces opposing him are weak. A tortoise can’t be harmed through its shell but has its vulnerabilities. I had my vulnerabilities and the damages were spot on, and continuous. Sometimes i wonder that a person as sensible and useful to the society as me, why he had to go through so much trouble, but then i realize the futility of this question. We as humans are so self-obsessed that we fail to see the bigger picture. But if you decide on seeing the bigger picture, it keeps getting bigger and bigger and never ends.

It is all about acceptance in the end. How much ever damage you undergo, accepting the damage and moving on would be the best approach.

I failed to accept the damage. Couldn’t do it because i did not deserve it, and it was not my fault. I am basically a stubborn person, and that tends to aggravate my problems.

When you end up knowing too much, you start sharing Lovecraft’s view of the world. But then humans are not designed to be Lovecraftians, not all of them. We are designed to be deluded to release enough serotonin, and keep ourselves happy and to be able to pass our time till we reach our deathbeds. Let us not forget to be a work in progress till then.

Nonsensical on love

What am i trying to do? Am i trying to stitch imagination and reality together? I may tell you things about love, but you won’t be able to get it unless you yourself have been in love. The whole world just disappears and the one whom you love becomes the world. It is so fascinating, this process. In a world of so many people, a person becomes so important to you that it becomes difficult to breathe without their presence. You want to hold them so tight that they get into your skin and bones. Each and every thing about that person looks and feels so special. Being a physiologist, i can give scientific reasons for all this but why to ruin things?

Man wants to find out reasons for everything. I want to find out the reasons for everything. Knowing reasons as a race helps us in our development, and as an individual gives us an edge over others.
But in case of love, even if you know the reason, it is not going to help much. To love one must be able to feel. And most of us are capable of feeling. Some of us are so good at feeling that constant disappointments render us incapable of feeling.

We all want our paradise. But in hurry to reach there we board the train to hell. There is no one out there in the world made just for you, saying this will be a cruel and wrong thing to say. There may be someone just like you out there. But what are the chances they will meet you? Till then you will have to be with people, whom you decide to love, and do your best, and most of the times fail. Constant failures in love lead to a reluctant approach. And sometimes it’s not even love. It is just two people trying to act like they do in movies.

Love i think is a luxury, which is available to all in some form but to a very chosen few in all forms. The problem is the devastation which happens after withdrawal of this luxury.

drifter talks

It is all about taking the opportunity. If you do not take it, things are going to be difficult. One is basically the choices made by him, or the choices made for him by others. The reality is a little not too sweet and that is not an issue. Circumstances and fate also play an important part in the life of an individual, and sometimes they may play much bigger part than choices.

We generally try to mold the world as we want to see it from the things we know about it. It is always incomplete, and it always will be.

I never wanted to delude myself. I stripped myself of all my defences and experienced the world, and sadly it is all so mathematical. So, i made my choices. I have my things, my interests, my passions and i pursue them. At a time i decided to let go of beliefs and acceptance of general population and walk on my own individual way but it is a very difficult thing to do. I have been doing it for very long, and this way of life is a part of me now, but surprisingly still, i am able to mingle with people easily. But i do not like people much, and it is very rare that i like someone.

Loss teaches you a lot. And the kind of loss i underwent was a cruel joke. I am very clear in my head, and i tend to follow a set of rules to prevent myself from going astray.

Right choices at right times prevent damages. Events happen in a series, in a string. Sometimes you get so tired that it becomes an effort, and this is where you need to be passionate enough to carry yourself well.

Life and friendship

Life is one hell of a complex thing. If you set out to understand life, you are doing nothing but trying to court insanity. Life is meant to be lived and to be lived without inhibitions, except the necessary ones.

Life can be simple if we can take it in a linear fashion. We live through our interactions with the surroundings.

My life is dependent on the interactions with people and places, everybody’s life is. Going to my friend’s place from my solo lifestyle. Uncontrolled, reckless for a few days, cartons of cigarettes scattered everywhere, rolling grass, and participation in my group. Songs being played on music system, trippy, soulful and popular music playing, in strange order.

Sometimes i feel like playing Pink Floyd and going to the depths of Comfortably Numb.
Beautiful memories with my friends stringed together. Memories at different places, on beaches, at hills, at farms. I always feel that the presence of people keeps lingering at those places even after they leave. I feel that presence of us, at every place stays there. We are captured in that time frame in infinity.
The burning fags, the rolled joints, chips packets, empty bottles of booze are the glues that keep the friendship together, even though tend to harm us individually. Friendship holds us like nothing else, though if we think properly, it is all just in our head.

Life is complex if not taken simply, same with friendship, though it looks a lot easier. Some say friends are the closest enemies, and still some tell to keep enemies closer. How will you believe anyone?
Anyone and anything can be a friend. Places, things, people anyone and anything. Also, life is great if you are friends with yourself.

मैं बस में बैठा खिड़की से बाहर देख रहा था। दुनिया वही रहती है, फिर भी कितनी बदल जाती है। दो विरोधाभासी सोचों के साथ जीना कठिन है, जो सच है वो सच है। इसीलिए विचारधाराएं बनी हैं। जब आपका खुद पर से विश्वास उठ जाए तो आप विचारधाराओं पर विश्वास करते हैं।

सत्य और असलियत का फर्क क्या है ये कहना मुश्किल है। जब आप दर्द में होते हैं तो सोचते हैं की किसी और को ये दर्द न देखना पड़े, पर दुनिया बड़ी होती जाती है और आप को पता चलता है कि आप कुछ नहीं कर सकते। सिर्फ इतना करने के सिवा की जो आपके पास हैं और जो आप पर निर्भर हैं आप उनका ख़याल रखें और उनको तकलीफ न होने दे। वैसे यही चीज़ करना काफी कठिन है।

गुस्सा एक नकारात्मक भावना है, पर कुछ गलत होने पर गुस्सा आना लाजिमी है। कभी कभी गुस्सा ठन्डे बस्ते में डालना पड़ता है क्योंकि उसके आड़े प्यार आ जाता है। प्यार और गुस्से में मुझे कुछ चुनना हो तो मैं हमेशा प्यार को चुनूंगा।

भावनाएं कमज़ोरी हैं, और समाज के जानवर इसी कमज़ोरी की वजह से शिकार करते  हैं। मैं भी शायद वही हूँ, कमज़ोर और भावनाओं से मजबूर, पर अपने अहम् की हत्या करने के बाद काफी चैन पड़ा। अहम् की हत्या के बाद जीवन को हर नज़रिये से देखने की कोशिश कर सकते है। नज़रिये आपके ही होते हैं, कोशिश अलग अलग तरीके से देखने की होती है।

हर दर्द के अपने इलाज होते हैं, फरक बस इतना होता है की वो आपकी पहुँच में हैं या नहीं। कभी कभी कुछ मर्ज़ लाइलाज होते हैं। प्रकृति में दया नहीं है, और प्रकृति में कमज़ोर को जीने का हक़ नहीं है। पर मनुष्य की प्रकृति ही प्रकृति का विरोध करना है। मैं दया से मज़बूर हूँ, और मुझे इस बात की ख़ुशी है, क्योंकि अगर मैं मजबूर नहीं रहता तो गुस्सा प्यार पर हावी हो जाता। जैसे किसी व्यक्ति ने एक बार कहा था कि इंसान को बलशाली होना चाहिए, पर अपनी कोमलता खोये बिना।