There is nothing i can do to undo the damage done to me. With my future goals destroyed now, i do not have much to do and i'm undergoing this phase of indefinite joblessness.

I have become a character of my imagination in world's eyes and that wouldn't have been a problem if i was not destroyed on a personal level. The paranoia doesn't leave me, and i've been rendered useless.

When personal things can't be personal anymore then there goes one's right to claim one rights. If my personality has already been decided then nothing can be done, and all i can do is refuse it, because i know myself. Now i've been damaged to such an extent that i can't even fight back, can't dare to.

Sadism is a pleasing thing and i will have to undergo the suffering so that you can get that pleasure.

My suffering is my own, and i have undergone it despite being heavily stressed, sick. While my liver was failing i was being addressed as Dr. Hannibal. It's sad because i wouldn't have been able to eat my own liver if i had died.

I have kept my personal life seperate from all these issues and highly compartmentalized until everything was dragged into it.

As i'm in real, i do not disrespect anyone, and there is not an ounce of sadism in me. I was too busy to think about all this. While i was busy adapting for people in my life, i had also to things to fulfill my very personal goals which had nothing to do with women and social status. Sadly i find the rarest of rare ways to screw up.

Some people are extremely angry on me, and i take their anger, because i deserve it. I have apologized to some people for misunderstandings that have been there, and some are just bullying.

My blogging, how much ever worthless has just been a medium to explore myself. I have never made a personal remark, and if i have, in the rarest of cases and only on intrusion of my privacy that would never show my belief.

I have gone through hell, and there is no end to it. Everybody who is good in an area or has suffered heavily in that area owes to make a difference in that area whether he/she takes the reaponsibility or not.

Intentions never matter, but they are important for my conscience, and the peace of it. I blew it all away because i realized the worthlessness of it all. One can't climb on a boat that he has sunk.
The people i have hurt, are the only ones i care about the ones who are angry on me, even with hate and disgust. The rest is all bullying, and i realize that world never ends up not being a classroom. I love my people so much that i can give my life for them. I have undergone the worse, and i will have to be prepared for if something befalls on my family.

My emotions and feelings were falsified, and i have no option but to buy the popular version of morality. But given the options i have, i would consider it a fine option.

I'm sitting in the room on the first floor writing this as my baba whom i love more than anyone in the world and who is one of the greatest and bravest of men i've ever seen or known lies unconscious surrounded by the family. He is 90, and after the brain surgery, he has detoriated.

As a medical man i know the truth, and all i want for him is to go peacefully. It is a huge loss for me personally, and i have no one to share this pain with. Funniest bit is that i have always stood by my people whenever they have needed me, and now here i am, all alone. Dark humor can't get any better.

People for whom i dedicated my time and effort are not there, and they won't be, because this is how transient things are.

You mess up with a few people over the internet, and they vow to destroy your life. A 'real' life. I think it is a tick in the checkbox.

I do not have regrets for strangers over the internet. The regrets i have are for my own people, who couldn't be my own people, and that clearly proves the point that feelings don't matter.

Knowing something, and proving it first hand are two different things. I first realized it and then proved it first hand. I never did bother to answer anything because as i thought why would someone have so much time to ruin someone's life over an internet mishap. It kept growing and growing till it came down to my real life.

My personality got falsified. My thought experiments, creativity and transgressions were thrust upon me and my people were set against me.

Feelings and intentions do not matter here, and confirmation of this thing comes as relief to me in this painful hour.

Just some people who decide to ruin somebody, especially without knowing him personally, do that, and people who are closest and even reponsible in part for the person he is, also take part.

I have lost everything that is personal and did not regret it, thinking that it was just a nightmarish accident, but now when i'm going to lose the most precious thing i have, i actually have nothing.

With all the cynicism i write about, i am basically a romantic fool. A romantic fool who believes in just the opposite of what he knows.

Half of the people who bullied me didn't even know me. My shetty anna impersonation offended my best friend so much that he turned the guys with whom i used to do the same shetty anna impersonations against me. I wish i was so good in communications.

I have felt every bit of the personal attack done on me, and i have known mostly what was being done, until it spread to my real life. Surveillance reveals nothing about a person like me, it just gives a reason to destroy, especially if a person is like me, careless and ready to anything when asked to do things.

My internet history may be shameful, but the thing that has happened to me has increased my self-respect beyond measure.

One single person, and people who don't even know him, get busy bullying him out of the senses, luring him, for what? Thought experiments? Losing it for a while during a crisis? Talking nicely?

One theory of thousands must fit, and if it doesn't, it should be made to. Do feelings matter, take my word on it. They don't. I have lost everything on this experiment, and possibly would lose my life too. Feelings do not matter. Because each one of you out there bullying me, behind that facade i have always wished the best of you especially at the time i was there. The ones who were not there, and still resorted to bully me, you don't have to worry either, there is no karma, there is just power and offence to power.

The shetty anna thing was not on you my dear friend. I know you are as idealistic as me or may be even more, and you will be in discomfort if you came to know that i was innocent. I guess this is why you made sure that i don't turn out to be one. Well i have my flaws and my situations didn't help them much, and i have nothing against you. I respect the man you are, because i am that close to that from inside and i chose not to be that because, Dr. Faustus. Once a doctor, always a doctor, of whatever kind, even if the headache is throbbing, pulsating, or due to an ice-cream. I can't stop respecting you even after you destroy me, because you are extremely good at what you do, and you are a good man, as good as one can be. I've been through the Inferno and i guess made the best and the worst of it. I told you i had a people pleasing nature. Shetty anna one was not for you, but you really marked your presence in register of my mind.

When your worst fears come true, life starts looking unreal. Unluckily for me, i'm well versed in the business of worst fears coming true and now i'm optimistic enough to not to believe that it is ever going to stop being that. Worse times filter the friends one have, and this flood has done the cleaning job for me which i would've personally found very difficult due to the hurting sentiments part.

My baba, one of the greatest men i've ever known is in ICU. Being the tough man he is, he survived a brain surgery at 90, though being a doctor i have no misconceptions about whether his body will be able to endure for long.

This said, i will resort to the best medicine humankind has, and that is hope. I'm finished and whatever wreck of me is remaining, if it survives at all, will be put in paying back the debts of people.

I've seen the beauty of it, the beauty of ugliness. The beauty of desires and the beauty of offence and of offence to power. Though unintentional in all respects, i find myself lucky to have seen it.

Funniest thing of it all is that after going through all this hell, the worst enemy of myself is still me. Looks like i'm too hard on myself. I don't even find myself getting angry on everything that has happened to me, the only thing i do is marvelling on the grandiosity of it all, and that too for a person like me.

I fight my animal, but the beasts are in full unrestrained play everywhere. I knew where i was wrong and even after not giving the benefit of doubts and the concession of knowledge i give to others i did fine. I'm living through the nightmare as one of the greatest man i've ever known looks at me helplessly from his bed. A joke which takes lives, this is what it was, it took my future, and most probably will take my life, but it gave me knowledge about the 8th sin, and that is trust.

Why me? I wonder this sometimes but know the answer. I've been reduced to a non-functional mass, and my my skills have choked within me without seeing the daylight. My real self choked in the shadow of a projection which didn't even mean anything.

My losses have been terrible and unending, till now and i wish to put a stop to it. So much for so long, and all alone. I need to commend myself. Do i deserve this much hate? Well, i do. I'm happy if it is for the right reasons. All the pleasure that was provided has been sucked back with interest. I used to be funny once, despite all the pain i used to be extremely funny. Now i'm just a blob of flesh on the bed, eating and sleeping because of the damage done.

I'm already dead, all that is left is to kill my family by stopping my breath. Will the universe pay back for all the good deeds i've done? I doubt that.

I wish to sleep and never wakeup, and this is what i wish to do everyday. One man is never enough and i'm finished.

All of my courage and determination have become nil. Philosophizing comes in the end when one can't do anything, and i think this is what i can do, and keep breathing till i can.

Four years of incessant, inhuman treatment, and i have suffered it without flinching, only to be branded as a psychopath/ sociopath. What a life to be lived. Four years of continuous humiliation for being a person that i'm actually not. If that was not enough, i lost people from my real life.

I believe even criminals do not suffer this much. All this when i have given my best possible to everyone.

I do not have any complaint, because i think this was universe's way of answering my questions.

I had a lot to live for. After battling the condition for so long, i'm now weary of it. Before i go i will pen down things i have to. I don't know about my work and what to do about it but probably it is not needed here after what has happened to me.

I've thought about acquiring barbiturates but it is not easy. How wonderful is it that despite knowing so many in the profession, one gas to struggle for acquiring the drugs of choice.

It is a web that i can't get out from, except only in one way. I do not want to fight for my innocence because it is not worth it. Who am i trying to prove the point. The deal will be to live happily till i get my desired means and take a final exit.

I had not imagined this for myself, not after despite undergoing the worst suffering possible in the world, and still being productive, happy, helpful. I have been there for everyone, in time of need and in time of want, and that's the best one can do for people.

When you suffer too much, materialism doesn't matter much, but then one has to survive. I had thought to pen down my work but i do not know if i would do that.

One wrong choice and end is this, i haven't had much luck ever. In the end it is all about self and when i can be pushed to this extent, then its better i accept my fate.

I have been so obstinate that i have never accepted what i do not deserve, and for that i've struggled beyond capacity. I sometime wonder about my family and what good people they are, too good, and thus here i'm, too good to survive.

The more is the suffering, the more realization one has, and clearer the world becomes and presents itself. When one knows how it works, the only thing one wants to do is pull out, or choose a corner where one can't be disturbed.

The mistakes were not unforgivable, but then that's how it goes for some people. In one perspective it was nothing, and in the other, good enough to take a life and destroy a family.

After so much, i wonder how am i able to still present my side. I have no doubts, and no misunderstandings about anything, and the hell wouldn't have been hell otherwise.

I wish to solve this complexity once and for all. My questions have been answered and i'm totally satisfied. Now, all that remains is love for my loved ones and extreme boredome.

I can't feign caring for someone when i don't, and thus it is easy to fool me even when my mind says completely opposite. What i missed in truth, i made up in efforts but then things are too simple out there.

The thought of leaving my family troubles me beyond measure but i think i need to end this suffering. It's not that big a deal and i won't have to keep a laughing face anymore. I'm trying to my resolution stronger with each passing day and i hope it ends soon.

I have no regrets, mostly because with people i've lived reasonably, and otherwise i've tried to live with as much happiness with the pain.

I have solved my issues and now i hope i make my transition as soon as luck favors me. A life ended, and an innocent family destroyed. I guess i tried a bit too hard for that. The writer wrote his own destruction. A beautiful life, though full of pain, but beautiful ended due to foolishness. No, people can't be like that, and in the end it's like yes they can be.

The hardest one to take were people who really knew me and whom i decided to trust, believing that i'd be able to change their mind, but the end had to be like this for everyone's amusement.

While i thought i could be solving the issues, and some greater one like this. It was of no use. Ultimately, it brought my own ruin. To be truthful, i have always been torn between being myself and being able to reply. Writing is something which i desire, and not from today. How this thing has gone about has been strange and unreal. The way i have carried myself in my reality, the kind of person which i really am all of a sudden went to the drain.

As i gather pieces of my broken self and try to mend them together, being labelled as the Frankenstein i created, and then being consumed by the same is the strangest occurrence to happen to someone.

I've had such a clear conscience, and even clear  knowledge of the conscience of people around me that it doesn't affect me much, but the real damage is  done and i do not know how to get out of it alive.

I have a lot of work to do which keeps me occupied, and i wonder if that can be judged by someone. A mask is not my real self, it was just a reflection of me trying to push myself beyond my limitations. I know it for sure, saddest part is that i lost my friends, but then what more i could've expected.

I have lived fully, and if i will end there will be no sorrow. I have never wished for something that i do not deserve, and my pleasures in life are really small. Each time my dear friend psychoanalyzes me, it hurts deep down, just for not being this person, but then Frankenstein consumes its own master. If you create a monster it there are all the chances that it will consume you.

It is not black and white, but since there were no intentions of harm to anyone, i would consider it all white.

What a journey to hell it has been, and all this while the ones closest to me have been there, i'm sure they had their reasons. Just waiting to be ready can lead to the end, and while i thought right time is going to arrive, it is now going to be eternity.

This is a place where grammar means more than feelings, and it should. While i will be giving my reasons, the judgement done has taken away my capability of helping people who have suffered like me. To know how much a person knows is more difficult than actually judging him.

There is more to a person than his pornographic profile, and just the superficial aspect. I had a few basic goals in my life to be able to help people who have suffered as me, to find out the reason for my suffering and to be able to write a book.

My Hindi writing is extremely good but it is tedious to write in Hindi. I wanted to experiment with perspectives and along with that i wanted to keep working on knowing and solving certain pathological conditions. I've had enough training for that and being a sufferer i finally managed to make myself better and was able to find out the reasons behind it.

I could've had my own clinical setting, because i find myself fully capable for it. I decided to experience fully. At the time i needed care, i took care of myself. I lived a normal life, i had as much fun as it was possible, i loved my friends. I believe in helping people in a way i can best help them.

When someone tags or hangs on to you, despite knowing the risks of being with such a personality, because i can obviously identify the traits which can cause harm, one tends to stay back, because one is swimmer against the current, because one knows the reasons behind it and can work over them. Despite the risks involved i went along, i stayed, talked, gave advice, why because i knew why. Now, i don't even know if it was a revenge or that person was hired.

I connected with someone and unfortunately in the worst phase of my life. I had thought it to be just pen and paper kind of a bond, but things do not happen as we plan, but i'm sure about my intentions. I was just to dumb with my idealistic thinking. In my real life, none of my friends can blame me for not standing by them, i just suffered alone, and this is because they couldn't help.

I've been bombarded with information of all kinds, pins and links, narcissistic personality disorder, generalised anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder etc. They all have their chemical basis and their pathological origin. If we go by the books, we can't be sure about the origin because the sufferers are not informed. Generally it happens that people are put on medication and for long time. Well, in severe conditions it is necesaary. Such people what they actually need is care and attention.

People are obsessive, clingy, compulsive, they suffer with perversions and in my belief it needs to be worked upon. When someone is with me, i tend to know their needs, and i fulfill them.

My clinical skills are good enough despite wanting to escape due to sheer disappointment and disinterest only because of the reason that i can't let people suffer because of my ignorance.

I decided not to practice, unless it was extremely necessary due to family crisis because i wanted to know more and add more certificates to my name. I do not need a job, i'm the job or i was, until i was destroyed.

I do not wish to talk about my job or how much i know, because i am aware that i know enough in my field and was actually working for more until things went out of control.

My family, i believe is the most beautiful family in the world and i can do anything for them. Every family has their problems and mine has it's own. I pushed myself to the limit for my family because i love them, and i'd do it thousand times.

Any issues i've had in my life is due to outside reasons and not my family. I thought i can keep people in my life, but unfortunately it is not possible. My basic job is healing and this is what i do. I wanted to be a writer, and i wanted to have a story. I wanted to know perspectives, i wanted to sublimate my darkness in it. Sometimes things get too much. Not every job profile is the same and not every person is the same. I pursue my interests and not everyone can be a friend, though i believe in having a good relation with my acquaintances. A few kind words do not harm, and i find nothing fake about it.