I had a lot to live for. After battling the condition for so long, i'm now weary of it. Before i go i will pen down things i have to. I don't know about my work and what to do about it but probably it is not needed here after what has happened to me.

I've thought about acquiring barbiturates but it is not easy. How wonderful is it that despite knowing so many in the profession, one gas to struggle for acquiring the drugs of choice.

It is a web that i can't get out from, except only in one way. I do not want to fight for my innocence because it is not worth it. Who am i trying to prove the point. The deal will be to live happily till i get my desired means and take a final exit.

I had not imagined this for myself, not after despite undergoing the worst suffering possible in the world, and still being productive, happy, helpful. I have been there for everyone, in time of need and in time of want, and that's the best one can do for people.

When you suffer too much, materialism doesn't matter much, but then one has to survive. I had thought to pen down my work but i do not know if i would do that.

One wrong choice and end is this, i haven't had much luck ever. In the end it is all about self and when i can be pushed to this extent, then its better i accept my fate.

I have been so obstinate that i have never accepted what i do not deserve, and for that i've struggled beyond capacity. I sometime wonder about my family and what good people they are, too good, and thus here i'm, too good to survive.

The more is the suffering, the more realization one has, and clearer the world becomes and presents itself. When one knows how it works, the only thing one wants to do is pull out, or choose a corner where one can't be disturbed.

The mistakes were not unforgivable, but then that's how it goes for some people. In one perspective it was nothing, and in the other, good enough to take a life and destroy a family.

After so much, i wonder how am i able to still present my side. I have no doubts, and no misunderstandings about anything, and the hell wouldn't have been hell otherwise.

I wish to solve this complexity once and for all. My questions have been answered and i'm totally satisfied. Now, all that remains is love for my loved ones and extreme boredome.

I can't feign caring for someone when i don't, and thus it is easy to fool me even when my mind says completely opposite. What i missed in truth, i made up in efforts but then things are too simple out there.

The thought of leaving my family troubles me beyond measure but i think i need to end this suffering. It's not that big a deal and i won't have to keep a laughing face anymore. I'm trying to my resolution stronger with each passing day and i hope it ends soon.

I have no regrets, mostly because with people i've lived reasonably, and otherwise i've tried to live with as much happiness with the pain.

I have solved my issues and now i hope i make my transition as soon as luck favors me. A life ended, and an innocent family destroyed. I guess i tried a bit too hard for that. The writer wrote his own destruction. A beautiful life, though full of pain, but beautiful ended due to foolishness. No, people can't be like that, and in the end it's like yes they can be.

The hardest one to take were people who really knew me and whom i decided to trust, believing that i'd be able to change their mind, but the end had to be like this for everyone's amusement.

While i thought i could be solving the issues, and some greater one like this. It was of no use. Ultimately, it brought my own ruin. To be truthful, i have always been torn between being myself and being able to reply. Writing is something which i desire, and not from today. How this thing has gone about has been strange and unreal. The way i have carried myself in my reality, the kind of person which i really am all of a sudden went to the drain.

As i gather pieces of my broken self and try to mend them together, being labelled as the Frankenstein i created, and then being consumed by the same is the strangest occurrence to happen to someone.

I've had such a clear conscience, and even clear  knowledge of the conscience of people around me that it doesn't affect me much, but the real damage is  done and i do not know how to get out of it alive.

I have a lot of work to do which keeps me occupied, and i wonder if that can be judged by someone. A mask is not my real self, it was just a reflection of me trying to push myself beyond my limitations. I know it for sure, saddest part is that i lost my friends, but then what more i could've expected.

I have lived fully, and if i will end there will be no sorrow. I have never wished for something that i do not deserve, and my pleasures in life are really small. Each time my dear friend psychoanalyzes me, it hurts deep down, just for not being this person, but then Frankenstein consumes its own master. If you create a monster it there are all the chances that it will consume you.

It is not black and white, but since there were no intentions of harm to anyone, i would consider it all white.

What a journey to hell it has been, and all this while the ones closest to me have been there, i'm sure they had their reasons. Just waiting to be ready can lead to the end, and while i thought right time is going to arrive, it is now going to be eternity.

This is a place where grammar means more than feelings, and it should. While i will be giving my reasons, the judgement done has taken away my capability of helping people who have suffered like me. To know how much a person knows is more difficult than actually judging him.

There is more to a person than his pornographic profile, and just the superficial aspect. I had a few basic goals in my life to be able to help people who have suffered as me, to find out the reason for my suffering and to be able to write a book.

My Hindi writing is extremely good but it is tedious to write in Hindi. I wanted to experiment with perspectives and along with that i wanted to keep working on knowing and solving certain pathological conditions. I've had enough training for that and being a sufferer i finally managed to make myself better and was able to find out the reasons behind it.

I could've had my own clinical setting, because i find myself fully capable for it. I decided to experience fully. At the time i needed care, i took care of myself. I lived a normal life, i had as much fun as it was possible, i loved my friends. I believe in helping people in a way i can best help them.

When someone tags or hangs on to you, despite knowing the risks of being with such a personality, because i can obviously identify the traits which can cause harm, one tends to stay back, because one is swimmer against the current, because one knows the reasons behind it and can work over them. Despite the risks involved i went along, i stayed, talked, gave advice, why because i knew why. Now, i don't even know if it was a revenge or that person was hired.

I connected with someone and unfortunately in the worst phase of my life. I had thought it to be just pen and paper kind of a bond, but things do not happen as we plan, but i'm sure about my intentions. I was just to dumb with my idealistic thinking. In my real life, none of my friends can blame me for not standing by them, i just suffered alone, and this is because they couldn't help.

I've been bombarded with information of all kinds, pins and links, narcissistic personality disorder, generalised anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder etc. They all have their chemical basis and their pathological origin. If we go by the books, we can't be sure about the origin because the sufferers are not informed. Generally it happens that people are put on medication and for long time. Well, in severe conditions it is necesaary. Such people what they actually need is care and attention.

People are obsessive, clingy, compulsive, they suffer with perversions and in my belief it needs to be worked upon. When someone is with me, i tend to know their needs, and i fulfill them.

My clinical skills are good enough despite wanting to escape due to sheer disappointment and disinterest only because of the reason that i can't let people suffer because of my ignorance.

I decided not to practice, unless it was extremely necessary due to family crisis because i wanted to know more and add more certificates to my name. I do not need a job, i'm the job or i was, until i was destroyed.

I do not wish to talk about my job or how much i know, because i am aware that i know enough in my field and was actually working for more until things went out of control.

My family, i believe is the most beautiful family in the world and i can do anything for them. Every family has their problems and mine has it's own. I pushed myself to the limit for my family because i love them, and i'd do it thousand times.

Any issues i've had in my life is due to outside reasons and not my family. I thought i can keep people in my life, but unfortunately it is not possible. My basic job is healing and this is what i do. I wanted to be a writer, and i wanted to have a story. I wanted to know perspectives, i wanted to sublimate my darkness in it. Sometimes things get too much. Not every job profile is the same and not every person is the same. I pursue my interests and not everyone can be a friend, though i believe in having a good relation with my acquaintances. A few kind words do not harm, and i find nothing fake about it.

Let me talk about this topic now, i wish to finish my work as soon as possible, and use my chance. I wish to spend my end days as happy as possible.

When i meet someone i like i do not consider about their class. If i like someone i like someone. Ultimately what ever u feel, or have felt has been negated.

It is difficult to comment on a person until the real truth and reason for his choices are known but no one can stop the ones who wish to.

I know my job well, i had decided to quit when i realized it is not worth the effort and not satisfying me in any given manner. I had decided to take up literature, but then i had to finish it up. A thing when it can't solve your problems, makes you take matters in  your own hands, which i did.

I do not need a job, because i am good enough to have one when i wish, or was good enough. Destroying someone's life first and then taunting about the job prospects is good enough thing to do.

Making fun of someone's emotions is not my deal. I have not been bullied in my life until now and neither have i bullied anyone, unless ofcourse 3 years back.

If i'm going to kill myself, i'm going to do it happy and in senses, since my life has been left unlivable.

I have kept searching answers for my pain, and kept discovering perspectives. My work is my work and all my weaknesses have been used against me and i am not surprised on that.

I will be very clear on that, how much ever improbable it may seem that Suniel Shetty was not based on my dear friend. It is a thing that i used to do with my facebook earlier just for the sake of fun. Though i had cracked a joke earlier about him which may have offended him and i had apologized to him.

I was there for fun and creativity and all i have got is 4 painful years of hatred. I wanted to write, and was experimenting with preferences. At a time i need to be cared for, i took care of myself. I did not lose my time, neither did i waste it.

What actually wasted my time and life was continuous attacks over me. The person i have been talking to for so long i do not even know if that person is actually what she tells me to be.

The most stressful period of my life that is when i'm surrounded with lot of trouble was used to destroy me. I was fed movies and lured.

The one thing to understand is that i'm not after money. I was actually brought up like that, and i do not live in denial. I just prefer to do my own work because i've suffered enough.

I write to get my negativity away and those are not my only thoughts and beliefs, and i can't be judged on them. Every person is different, i have lived my life according to my ideals and rules.

I have been continuosly taking it and in the end it just becomes black lives. I understand that, but my beliefs matter to me, and whatever the damage was though it was extremely severe, it hadn't reached my real life, but eventually it did and I have taken all of it.

Anyone who has feelings, or empathy, would know how it feels. The best part of it was i never had such intentions, none of any kind. I always had reasons, and obviously i was a fool.

Some places just have a bad effect on people. The place i lived at, had on me, they always have their effect on me.

The beauty of the world is that no one comes forward to help a suffering man, but everyone is their when it is time to throw stones, that is how it is, and it can't be helped.

I have no idea where is feminism in this thing. I haven't even treated anyone badly. My way of answering and responding to messages can't be made fun of, i care for my people in my own way and no one is living my life.

I have taken all the humiliation and everything. I can take a joke on me very well, but this is a joke on my life. Everyone has a way or a plan to function at various parts of their life and i can't take advices on that.

This thing has been made so that only way out of it is an exit. My feelings have been crushed and damaged, the saddest part is, by people i've given and spent so much time, energy and feelings on.

I do not know what it has been about. I have my reasons and i have my answers, and before i take a ride home, i would like to speak on how i think and function. Everything i have said and done has been made fun of. No scope for improvement was left, neither was any effort made to ask the person.

I believe in what i think and what i have worked for so long. With so many people against it actually gets difficult, especially when one is already judged and branded.

I will answer the questions, even with the investigations done on me and personal harm caused to me. I know where i've been wrong, and why.

I have my thoughts and reason, and how i function. How one chooses to live is based on one's own experiences and unless somebody has lived that life, any commentary on it is difficult to accept.

I'm at an unbelievable place right now, and i find it a need to explain, but there is a severe reluctance in me to answer for people who can destroy someone's life lIke that. Everything i've done has a reason and i function on my rules. My prime goal in my life is to keep people in my life happy, and i think that it is very difficult to judge a persons life sitting at your own place, watching and noting how his/her life goes on.

I'm a private person, and i keep my problems to myself, unless ofcourse someone can solve them. My past has taught me to not to trust people unless my heart says so, and even my heart has been wrong.

I do not ask for favors generally and i try to help people as much as i can. To be with people or not is i believe a personal choice if such a thing exists. I've known since long that my situation is a no win situation, and i've never wanted to win. I've done somethings and i'll accept them, and i will also refute the allegations which i believe are false.

I'd never like to bring my interpersonal relations in and make a mockery of them but i have my valid reasons and i believe relationship are complex things to be judged like that.

I've kept everyone that has been with me, or has lived with me happy and have tried my best to solve their problems if it was possible for me, and not even a single person can deny that. It gets especially difficult when one has to give justifications for himself, despite knowing who he is.

My belief about myself is very clear and i would prefer go with that belief instead of accepting someone else's opinion thrust upon me. I have accepted my faults even though i have reasons for most of them, but i would definitely not accept something that is not me.

I'm like this because of a reason, and since i know it, i'm more than happy with it. I've been fooled and played with on such a grand scale that if i were someone else it would definitely permanently damaged their worldview. With this level of attack trust is the last thing one is going to have.

Explanations do not matter when one has been judged already and here i've no intentions of the same, but i have my answers and i've lived my life in a way till now and i hope to die in the same way.

For me life is too important to be played with like this, and whatever i did, i had my own reasons for that. It is sad that people can fake personal relationships and hang on till they destroy you completely.

It is like whether i should tell why i chose to do what i did or not, and then it comes on to concerned persons privacy and i have to let it go.

People i have known personally over the internet, i have told them clearly at a point of time that 'this is just a handle' , whether they agree on it now or not.

The damage done to me is too much and has affected me but i have kept my mouth shut just for the privacy and respect for these people who despite knowing me personally, and despite giving the essential infirmation that is required to stop a person going further with a person, went on with it and it has brought me suffering.

Bondings don't have to be dependent on class, at least this is what i used to feel. I'm a boaster sometimes and i can speak things just for the sake of it, but what i feel is only known by me.

I was not able to trust the person but i did my best to do, i'm a shoulder because i know how is it to not to have any. People living their lives normaly won't understand this thing. I was not here to make friends but i actually did.

I have been played with in my life, and i had promised myself that i will not anyone play with myself neither will i ever play with anyone.

Sad thing is that my desire to not to reveal my identity came in the way and led to a fiasco this big.

I did not know if the concerned person was even real, i thought someone was joking with me. The desire to keep myself private and the attachment that formed conflicted so much that it became a mess, still i had told that i'd meet. It actually looked like setup to me but i went along trusting the bond with that person, despite knowing in the back of my head that it could bring about my ruin. I've very clear reasons for my decisons but since my damage is done and i have set my departure, i would let it go.

I was ostracized from the twitter community, was severely made fun of, was hacked, shamed, my privacy was compromised, my personal life was judged, i've suffered this all continuously with times of personal, family and financial crisis. I've gone through it all, because i knew i have been wrong at a point and also because i had no choice.

I have suffered heavy consequences in my real life, just for a bunch of retweets. I have been terribly sick, suffering, and it has never stopped, even for once.

I will give my reasons, and since it has come down to my personal life, choices and reasons, i will talk about them too.

I will definitely document the last days of my life as i am getting closer and closer to my salvation. I would free myself of this bondage as soon as i get proper means and chance to do that. This is a time when i am feeling extremely peaceful. I can sense my proximity to my end and nothing seems so beautiful. Thing about dying is if one has lived a life full of pain, one would definitely want to go without pain and with peace. Nothing wrong in that.

While i make plans to peacefully end my life, one thing i know for sure, that there is no hell, and if there is, i'm sure i'm not going there. My hell was here, and my time i believe is approaching its end.

During childhood i believed in my Gods, and also Jesus Christ. Now, i believe in all of them and none of them. I do not believe in holding prejudices and thus can't reject a white-bearded old man sitting on cloud or living inside a blackhole. If it happens to be, well i am getting ready to meet my maker.

I want my departure to be with courage, exactly like my life has been. Real courage is when you walk even if your body refuses to. I want it to be willful and not out of any fear. I've seen enough, i've known enough and i've had enough. The pain of loved ones is what that still makes me rethink, but they will have to do without me.

World is a cruel place and all that talk is not for me, anyone who has had some disability knows it, and very few survive against the tide. World is a Darwinian pastry sprinkled with a lot of sugar. It is plain and simple, and there is no make a difference, and make a change to it. Whether you make out of it or not is based on either pure unrestricted ability, outside help, or good luck. Well, good luck to me then.

I wish to go without fear, and with peace. Fear is a way of living for some, and i don't want it to come between me and my end. Preparing self is an important thing and while i prepare myself, i doubt there would be any lies. My life's work is going to be wasted but i hope i would leave some snippets. I haven't had deceiving intentions even then and now when i'm preparing my end i doubt i'd be lying about anything.

Any which ways whatever matters only matters if it matters to us, and how much ever important or big a thing is all that it takes to make it small is our convenience.

People die daily and due to various reasons. I wish to die out of choice and not out of fear. The good thing about being right is once people opposing you go off track, the fear vanishes. All that remains is the discomfort multiplied by the number of people opposing you, and the animal fear of survival.

We all have our patterns and spirals and identifying them is important. A conscious decision of death so that there won't be a last minute panic is important, though it can't be helped. I've seen people die and i wonder what is going to be different here as i'll see myself die.

I do not know if it is normal to feel so philosophical during one's end days but having a layered heart is an issue and exposing the core, i think should be done in the end.

We can live our lives choosing our philosophy, being a romantic, or an idealist or we can simply live like a dog on a day to day basis. We can choose our death similarly, though not always but if we are lucky enough.

At a point all the literarure, all the philosophy becomes a mere drudgery. It can happen that we know what exactly going to happen but we expect the opposite, hoping that someone would be like you, swimming against the current, and some people actually are, until they perish.

I do not wish to die in fear. I wish to die in completely free from it. All my youth i have been working to understand the workings of human psyche, its suffering and what causes problems. After a point of time things stop surprising.

I do not wish to change the image which has formed of mine anymore. Though it being my nature that a wrong understanding of my personality in someone's eyes troubles me, but that is not a problem because explanations are simple.

After living relentlessly i wish my death to be proper and peaceful, unfortunately the means available for an elegant death are difficult to procure especially in a family setting. Trying still helps, and if not i will have to resort to the good old methods.

The family has been such a major worry, and it keeps coming in my mind but that would have to be overcome.

The solutions have been found and can be found, but no solution beats death. The method to the solution is a thing actually to be pondered on.

I've been as honest to myself as it was possible for me, and life has come as a revelation to me. I hope death will come as a sound sleep.

I'm preparing myself daily, making my heart strong to leave behind my loved ones which is a difficult and excruciating thing to do, but i think one should do what one should do.

The definition of right, what i've seen is so  beautiful and my experiments with life have given me so much insight that all that remains after this is a prolonged boredome. I wish and hope not to be bored for long.

Since past few years i have suffered for something that was an experiment of sorts. The push to the level beyond, for the creativity and the solution. It did not concern anybody and most of all no one would understand and thus no one was included.

On an outside level at a point it may be seen in a developmental perspective. I have handled it very subjectively and i know how large a thing it is. It is all i have lived for basically with every other thing being secondary.

Solutions to simple problems are easy, and mine once after it was found out was easier. The thing here is the choice of exploring as much as i can till i can return back. Everything else goes on to be secondary here. I had time, and most of all need.

I  do not regret because i'm able to judge what is possible and what is not and i somehow know that anyone else in my position would have done worse.

I used my time as good as possible, and thus achieved most of what i wanted. I have my answers and they are a result of my struggle.

This was important because no one else should struggle. I have sublimated hard, and harder than anyone can. I have explored and worked on something i thought would solve mine and others' problems.

I wish i could've had a better surrounding and resources but whatever it was, finally i reached my conclusion.

I wanted to do so many things at once because i knew that till the the time i'm young i can make mistakes and with the kind of pain and suffering i had been going through recklessness was not a bad option, not if it wasn't IRL.

I have found my answers and i have found my story that i wanted to write. It's just that i do not have enough skills to write it. I made mistakes because i wanted to make them but without hurting anyone. I wanted to test the limits of morality to its final frontier, with only one rule remaining in the end and that was never hurting or harming anyone intentionally.

In my personal life i have kept it seperate  because no one needs to be brought out of there happy place. I let people be happy and be of use to them.

My relationships are individual and i take care of my people to the best of my capacity.

I understand the developmental approach and trust me no one is more clear on that than me. The thing here is that some one has to make use of the opportunity to go deeper and understand if fate has given a chance.

Only sad thing here was that i had a lot to juggle with and it was hard. It is an extremely subjective thing and so being judged by my lowest does not bother me much.

I wanted to compile my experiences which i would if i live when i am best capable of doing so. I got into such depths that i forgot that my expression can cause fear and discomfort to people who are not used to it and when it happend i got an actual reply.

This thing has so many perspectives that i would be tired of explaining. A few of them are so reckless and automated that it would be almost impossible to explain their origin except for the basics. Here, though one thing is extremely clear that i did not want to harm anyone, neither was any sort of terrorism my intention. I know when people need something and i do whatever i can to ease them because it gives peace to me. I do not do it for any sort of favor. I believe in hardwork and have always worked enough to be at least average at the work i do.

I believe in keeping people happy because i know what the loss of it means. This place was a place of experience and experiment and i know the things which i have got from it other than ruin. I lost it for sometime because i had to. It was not intentional sadism. The best form of empathy arises from having experienced the thing and since i had a great chance i made use of it, in a very random fashion.

There are so many of reasons and so many of things which have lead to this. Here, the major part is that not everyone has the opportunity i have. It was something i couldn't miss, just for the sake of knowledge of it.

I do not know if it could be understood by anyone else but among everything and the recklessness, it was too great an opportunity to miss. Working on it meant less time for everything else and the world works in its own way. I pushed myself harder, kept learning in the way. Studying for the certificates i knew i will require. Loving people i love, but then it gets too much to handle with a beautiful mind. Especially if crisis arrives at wrong times. Of-course this is just one perapective of many which i will have to pick an choose to explain because i was the one who pushed auto-pilot and wished to observe.

Dissatisfaction with the system is not a bad thing and it ultimately leads to its improvement. My suffering was so intolerable that i wish that no one ever goes through such a thing. Losing a limb, or death will be a better option. People are smart and selfish, each of us are, and that would include me. We are good for ourselves and we want more and more. I explored because i needed answers. More answers than neurochemical responses and serotonin uptake.

I do not consider myself better than anyone and neither am i. I just chose to find the reason, and with it the truth. The truth is known by many but the reason by very few.

Going back to normality was easy for me. It was just acceptance of the losses and being average due to the blocks and limitations, but it is difficult not to explore. To feel what others have felt. When you give up all your defences, that is where the real fear begins. A very animal sort of fear, which can turn into a monstrosity.

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The reason for my experimentation was very clear. One, you do not want to go without solving the thing which spoiled your life and curbed your capacities, for yourself and for others, and being in the field one sees that the solutions for such problems are very bleak. Why?

Two, because i could do it better than anyone else. It was not like anyone else was the subject. The subject was me myself and it was i who had to learn.

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With all my personal faults. I stay back for people. I do what i say and try my best to fulfill my promises. The promises i have broken have not let me sleep.
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This level of gaslighting and investigation was not required. My intentions were clear, and one does want to experience better things. I had known it since start and i had no resources. I knew i would be made fun of, but then at a place in absence of much company that you really enjoy it becomes a necessity to be creative.
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I have suffered too much to be materialistic and people in my life are all that matters to me. I let them be at their happy places, and do what i can do. I think this is the best approach one can have. My work has been too vast and too lonely because as it looks people fail to understand it, obviously due to valid reasons.

Beyond handles and comedy is something which needs to be understood, the need for testing the limits so that it could be worked upon was required.

All the damage done to me is accepted. The people i have been with, i have given enough time attention, and i have genuinely cared for them. So that cuts away the guilt there.