I will definitely document the last days of my life as i am getting closer and closer to my salvation. I would free myself of this bondage as soon as i get proper means and chance to do that. This is a time when i am feeling extremely peaceful. I can sense my proximity to my end and nothing seems so beautiful. Thing about dying is if one has lived a life full of pain, one would definitely want to go without pain and with peace. Nothing wrong in that.

While i make plans to peacefully end my life, one thing i know for sure, that there is no hell, and if there is, i'm sure i'm not going there. My hell was here, and my time i believe is approaching its end.

During childhood i believed in my Gods, and also Jesus Christ. Now, i believe in all of them and none of them. I do not believe in holding prejudices and thus can't reject a white-bearded old man sitting on cloud or living inside a blackhole. If it happens to be, well i am getting ready to meet my maker.

I want my departure to be with courage, exactly like my life has been. Real courage is when you walk even if your body refuses to. I want it to be willful and not out of any fear. I've seen enough, i've known enough and i've had enough. The pain of loved ones is what that still makes me rethink, but they will have to do without me.

World is a cruel place and all that talk is not for me, anyone who has had some disability knows it, and very few survive against the tide. World is a Darwinian pastry sprinkled with a lot of sugar. It is plain and simple, and there is no make a difference, and make a change to it. Whether you make out of it or not is based on either pure unrestricted ability, outside help, or good luck. Well, good luck to me then.

I wish to go without fear, and with peace. Fear is a way of living for some, and i don't want it to come between me and my end. Preparing self is an important thing and while i prepare myself, i doubt there would be any lies. My life's work is going to be wasted but i hope i would leave some snippets. I haven't had deceiving intentions even then and now when i'm preparing my end i doubt i'd be lying about anything.

Any which ways whatever matters only matters if it matters to us, and how much ever important or big a thing is all that it takes to make it small is our convenience.

People die daily and due to various reasons. I wish to die out of choice and not out of fear. The good thing about being right is once people opposing you go off track, the fear vanishes. All that remains is the discomfort multiplied by the number of people opposing you, and the animal fear of survival.

We all have our patterns and spirals and identifying them is important. A conscious decision of death so that there won't be a last minute panic is important, though it can't be helped. I've seen people die and i wonder what is going to be different here as i'll see myself die.

I do not know if it is normal to feel so philosophical during one's end days but having a layered heart is an issue and exposing the core, i think should be done in the end.

We can live our lives choosing our philosophy, being a romantic, or an idealist or we can simply live like a dog on a day to day basis. We can choose our death similarly, though not always but if we are lucky enough.

At a point all the literarure, all the philosophy becomes a mere drudgery. It can happen that we know what exactly going to happen but we expect the opposite, hoping that someone would be like you, swimming against the current, and some people actually are, until they perish.

I do not wish to die in fear. I wish to die in completely free from it. All my youth i have been working to understand the workings of human psyche, its suffering and what causes problems. After a point of time things stop surprising.

I do not wish to change the image which has formed of mine anymore. Though it being my nature that a wrong understanding of my personality in someone's eyes troubles me, but that is not a problem because explanations are simple.

After living relentlessly i wish my death to be proper and peaceful, unfortunately the means available for an elegant death are difficult to procure especially in a family setting. Trying still helps, and if not i will have to resort to the good old methods.

The family has been such a major worry, and it keeps coming in my mind but that would have to be overcome.

The solutions have been found and can be found, but no solution beats death. The method to the solution is a thing actually to be pondered on.

I've been as honest to myself as it was possible for me, and life has come as a revelation to me. I hope death will come as a sound sleep.

I'm preparing myself daily, making my heart strong to leave behind my loved ones which is a difficult and excruciating thing to do, but i think one should do what one should do.

The definition of right, what i've seen is so  beautiful and my experiments with life have given me so much insight that all that remains after this is a prolonged boredome. I wish and hope not to be bored for long.