The old music teacher of my school was a man expert in Hawaiian guitar. The way he used to play the guitar was incredible. Me and my bengali friend used to go to him in recess where the bengali used to play drums and i used to play the Spanish.

He was a good man, the music teacher, his speech was with a lisp but when he sang nothing of that sort was noticed. When the management of our school arrived to the school from london we were the ones selected for singing a bhajan. A bhajan called 'prabhuji tum chandan hum paani'. While we were standing there singing the bhajan our music teacher looked at as nodding his head giving us silent instructions 'jaaki ang ang baas samaani' he silently sang with us. The school got over. He kept on tecahing, speaking with a lisp and playing his favorite instruments the Hawaiian and the mandolin. I look back and still see the man engrossed madly in his mandolin playing 'tujhe dekha toh ye jaana sanam'.

सरकार और समाज

रोग और लोग। सरकार और समाज। आज़ादी के इतने सालों के बाद भी अभी बहुत कुछ बदलना है। मेरी समझ में भारत का संविधान शानदार है। मैं हमेशा स्वयं को एक देशभक्त मानता हूँ, क्योंकि हर वो चीज़ जो आपको जीवित रखती है उसके प्रति आपका कर्त्तव्य होता है।

भारत अपने हिसाब से प्रगति कर रहा है, तेज़ या धीमे जैसे भी। कुछ चीज़ें हम बदल नहीं सकते, और कई चीज़ें बदलना संभव है। मैं हमेशा एक ऐसे विश्व की कल्पना करता हूँ जहाँ कोई सीमाएं न हो, परंतु ये एक मुश्किल बात है। जब तक स्वयं को दूसरों से बेहतर समझने वाले लोग रहेंगे तब तक ये मुश्किल रहेगा। लोग बेहतर होते हैं पर उनके कारण होते हैं। इसीलिए मैं सोचता हूँ की जीवन में इतना बुद्धिजीवी बनने का कोई अर्थ नहीं।

क्या हम सच में दूसरों के बारे में सोचते हैं? शायद, जब हमारी अपनी ज़िन्दगी हमारी नज़र में ख़राब हो जाती है, या फिर तब जब हम महान बनना चाहते हैं। सब अपने अपने अनुभवों को शब्दों में ढालते हैं, और सीख देते हैं, अपनी विचारधारा बनाते हैं और दूसरों को उसपर चलने को मजबूर करते हैं।

विश्व का सत्य, धरती जा सत्य नहीं है, और यही सत्य मैं जानना चाहता था। हम सोच सकते हैं की कोई शक्ति हमारा खयाल कर रही है और साथ ही ये भी ख़याल कर रही है कि हम ज़रूरत से ज़्यादा न जाने। ऐसा हो भी सकता है और नहीं भी। भय शांति लाता है, पर अंतर की नहीं। अंतर की शांति आती है संतुष्टि से। मैं विश्व का नहीं, पर मैं सांसारिक हूँ, मैं धरती से नाता रखता हूँ। मैं उचित को जानता हूँ और अनुचित को पहचानता हूँ।

जीवन बहुत छोटा है, और कुछ करना या न करना मन पर निर्भर है। लोग अपने नासमझी में जीते रहेंगे, और समझ वाले लोगो को उनका ख़याल रखना पड़ेगा। क्यों? क्योंकि उनके पास करने के लिए कुछ बेहतर नहीं है।

यथार्थ

यथार्थ का महत्त्व
कहानियों में घुला
अनंत से शुरू
अनंत में चला
सत्य की परख
मिथ्या का तत्व
धैर्य की महत्ता
सामन्जस्य की अशांति
प्रेम की सत्ता
घृणा की भ्रान्ति
यथार्थ का अंत
मिथ्या का सन्दर्भ
अनंत का जन्म
शून्य का गर्भ

GSome things are difficult to articulate. You keep alternating between the back and the front bench and know the best and worst of the both worlds. Some times you think you are delusional enough to believe in yourself but life teaches you that whatever you are, you are the only person whom you can trust.

You sit besides the window and see the rain pouring down hitting the dusty ground. The wind sprinkles water over your face, and you are all make believe.

You drive on the highway, and see the the white divider lines passing by endlessly. The flyovers bypassing the mundane life of people and making you believe that you can bypass the mundane and go to a special territory where you have the power to choose.

The power to choose and the power to believe are almost superpowers. When combined they become something difficult to beat.

Driving on the sleet covered mountain roads where the tyres are slip to let you know that your car actually has ABS. You see the deodars and know that things aren't that bad still. You smell the pines and the misty forest air and realize that somethings can still make you fall in love.

It is all here and now. While the head concots stories which you feel too lazy to write, you look into your heart and see the truth you were searching for all your life.

You miss the coarse palms of the old women, who though gruff, are masters at dispensing motherly love.

The cooler with the smell of khaskhas in the summers of june , while one sips rasna and watches cartoon network lays a foundation for your upcoming fight with the world.

Dexter is never going to win from Deedee and Courage will always remain the cowardly dog inspite of his courage in every episode.

While countries destroy each other, and children starve to death, you keep yourself busy with downloading the latest movies. Because you believe that it makea the world better, at least yours.

You discard your dream of playing indian classical on the guitar because if a guitar playing rag malhar could bring rains, Jimi Hendrix born in Vidarbha would have been a life saver.

The stale pakoras at that small station are famous, and you wonder why, but still get down everytime to get them because you believe that they are good, and that out of no reason.

Time is passing everyday and world keeps getting unreal. Sometimes you feel that you do not want to know more about anything. A quiet corner with a lantern, a few books, and people to love would be enough.

But here, enough is never enough, and this is why your dreams would be snatched by others. The pieces of the jigsaw your dreams are will be stolen, to complete somone else's dreams. Keep dreaming still, and as always keep it real.

4th wave

I am a staunch supporter of women equality, some people equate women equality with feminism which i find kind of funny. Women and men are different, physically, mentally and their roles in the society are different. Women had to bear children so they lagged behind men and the men evolved to gain control and establish a patriarchial society. Now women have equal rights and men are sorta losing their extra powers they had over women. No body likes losses but then it is all about equality and it has to happen.

I have always thought that women have always contolled the world and they have had this real twisted method to rule the world, that is through men.

Everything in the world has been made either for women, or due to women, directly or indirectly.
Now when men and women are equal and some are still cry babies demanding equal rights, you the women should realize that it is you who bring the fellows with penises hanging between their legs into this world. There is no point in being crybabies if you instead of getting radical because you couldn’t get enough attention in college and that beautiful dumb chic got, or due to your excessively cocky nature because you need to control things and the way you find is of manipulating good women who are content with their jobs and family into vicious bitches who fight for a cause that doesn’t exist, instead you could have paid attention to that little fella that grew up to become a mega asshole. Do protest, but do not militate against men. Assholes are not just masculine entities. And you won’t be able to change them, because once an asshole is asshole forever. You can work to send them behind the bars if you will, and you can go to Afghanistan and Iraq to help the real oppressed if you got real guts. Armchair bullshit does much in fucking with people’s head, i can’t even say it doesn’t do anything.
The way feminists want to evolve women, the women will turn into men. That’s how evolution works. You need testosterone to face the world as a man does. You won’t remain a woman. And men to compensate will then become feminine. Ultimately binary fission or hermaphrodite reproduction will remain as the method of choice for reproduction.

I dream of a world where ladies are treated as ladies. Where they are soft and strong as they actually are. Where they are motherly and caring and made of iron as they actually are, where they don’t have to get PCOD or turn into a man to survive. A place where they rule the world, and where there is no opression from either side. Where all the militant feminists gets enough love, attention and dicks to shut their mouths and fill the holes (in their hearts).

Mad Ramblings

Mar 112 min read

I wonder how it should go. There is so much reality that being delusional is not much of a thing. I look at her daily and it pisses me off sometimes. She is just too out of way. I do not like such people, who are too good at theirand too cocky and extremely selfish at the same time, but isn’t it all the ingredients for success? I was like that once except the extreme selfishness and cocky part. She is right most of the times, and i can’t let her see my perspectives so that’s a no go. Remedy needs to be on my part, why am i being troubled is due to the opportunistic and rude behaviour which gets on my nerves but then it is an epidemic now a days or as i suspect since always.
There is a remedy to this and that remedy is the single remedy to all the situations. Implementation is important and as much as it is important, it is to be done correctly. Finding out the reason is important because if it is important enough to trouble me, steps need to be taken.
‘Do not’ is the thing here. At any cost.
My days are just passing and there is a lot of work to do. I need to finish my work and presentation because college is getting tough these days. And then i have exams too. Jaundice fucked my semester along with other things which includes my own disinterest which stemmed out of conditions. So basically its a topic per day and it will be done with. I hope. The thought and the reason should fuel this. This is cool.
Mar 12

There is no substitute to hardwork and their is no substitute to pushing the wall. To be really clear about the principles, information and values is not that difficult. Afterall being a master means that. So here when the fear tends to creep in the heart, one is reminded of environmental studies. It is funny how judgemental people are, and survival of the fittest seems to be the motto of all those who are either fit or wicked. I avoid playing with people especially lower class fucks but then i love it how they put all their energy into peaking in other peoples soul. Thanks to my x ray vision that i do not have to peek a boo much and it is all like a naked dance which people do in front of me.
Subjects give a fine dopamine release, but it should give serotonin too.
Cells, respiratory, circulatory, and so many more system arranged so neatly and connected with fibers and chemicals to perform one function that is survival. It does sound like magic.
The problem is on whole different scale and there is no need for solution. The desire forces you to seek the solution and you know that you won’t be able to know it ever but seeker needs to seek. Need is the word here.
Mar 132 min read

The worst thing about not knowing is that you can not know what you do not know, not at the time you do not know it. Things can be better or worse but when barriers are lifted, it feels like a release anyway. The road looks clear, and the horizon looks as if we can reach there.
The level at which things are, i can only imagine. Skills do not have end, they may have limitations but they are endless. The amount of botherance that is taken, is unbelievable. For the controllers, control is keeping the others ignorant, and if you can’t do that make them afraid or confuse them. We may believe in one god or a bunch of controllers. The nature of controllers and the skills are divided for every department. This is how it is in hindu and greek philosophy. Gods divided according to philosophies.
In the system, anarchists are always demons. Gods in hindu mythos live in utopian settings, where it is all fun and pleasure. Demons do not live in hell. Hell is a factory for demons. It is where they are produced, not the original ones, the factory made ones. Original demons have godly qualities. Factory made ones are disfigured and ugly.
A strange thing would be to be demigod with a demonic curse. The one from the mythos who suffers due to fate. Paradise and heaven are not the same thing.
Anarchy is a truth, just as how control is. It should be known. But you can not practice controlled anarchy, can you? And i really doubt if there is anything like respobsible anarchy. Anarchy is just chaos, and i think this is what it is meant to be. The fun thing is that it is difficult to deny the order in the chaos.
Mar 132 min read

This gets on this level. The thought travels through nerve imulses and chemical messangers to bring about changes. Belief works like that. Things work like this. The potential unleashes like this. It will feel different at first. I am not this but this has already happened and from here who will take the reigns is the thing that matters. Let everything and everyone do the part of work that they a required to do. Getting down on this level and when faced with the thought and the setting, the thing to know is to decide and to do it and to have a choice is an option. And when the reality is not working, while going back it is necessary to face the setting in a better way since the other original setting is causing a closure the best option is another extremely and if possible best suitable setting should be used to dwelve deeper and to steer according to wish. It is true that originality will lack but it will be complete in its own way.

The hatred for disordered means an extreme fondness of order. Is order stability? Or stability a form of order? It gets difficult to know.
Something being too heavy that it crushes. It crushes so bad that the effect goes down a few levels down.
The option here is either taking away the force for rebuilding or creating an alternate universe where the force loses its power or the effect. Other thing which also could be done is rebuilding while fighting the force and pushing it further while gaining so much strength that it can’t crush or even break anymore.
Mar 162 min read

So i take up this heavy work and hope to continue it. I think i should not only hope but also do it for sure. It matters a lot to me and when i REALLY take up a job i tend to finish it.
The past year has been a hiatus, an incubus upon me. I have had made my presumptions and am unsure if my assumptions are right.
I can work according to my plan or completely change it accordingly. It has been extremely risk and i am totally aware of the lack of smartness it contains with in itself.
Planning was never my thing as far as my personal life was concerned. I plan my assignments, my work, my cases but i do not plan my life. I tend to throw myself in, which ofcourse like all things has a reason.

It has been a long long time and the awareness refuses to settle down. I have actually reached somewhere in this thing and i think it will do pretty good.
I have a little priorities of my own. Whenever i go home i am reminded of what should i be actually doing instead of doing all the other things. But i have done those ‘actually’ things so much that it has bored the shit out of me.
The level of escapism that i wish to find out is extremely difficult. After so much of a struggle a little escape from a bored pathetic life is not bad.
Escape to the lala land. As i had decided earlier. Lala land is fun and frolic, actually.
Mar 21

I want to pursue somethings, but deep down i know that it is all about pleasure and pain. A culture which is so suppressive, so oppressive but still a good system. I have worked, fought, have been misunderstood, have mistaken myself and still persisted. What to do with all this pain?
One answer you should take me for sure, whatever good doing, greatness, efforts for others people do, it is all very selfish.
I am so good that i was almost destroyed. This is what people do to goodness, they trample it. One can only escape, either by fighting, running or crushing the competition. Now when the competition is more what people do is whine. Seeing thing as they really are is a difficult thing. One got to be very practical and pragmatic about it.
Mar 27

If i have this belief now and all of tbis that has happened to me is actually reality then how shall i take it. This is a great time to be alive and i have done much effort now to prove myself right.
It was when i still used to feel the same pain and the reason behind it was seething slowly continuously. It is a harm which is only a harm because of a belief and a desire. This has come to this level now and it gets even better. Pain tends to be fotgotten but my best moments are all pain. They are painted in pain, twisted in a strange manner which i would really find awkward. I must have thought of it as shameful sometime but shame has a very short halflife with a reptilian brain functioning in the background.
Banks, paperwork, stamps and such things and here the real problem comes to picture.
This is solvable and first requirement is limiting it. Self-limiting things and diseases have way to much in common. Now what is responsible should be responsible and thus when we think of the background and ideas arising with it, we can have much fun with it.
It was all about doing it and then having fun. Before that it was all conditional and this is how you do it. This has one option and this is the option.
Well fuck this shit. Crazy men should walk on the face if earth with their balls hanging beyond the rainbow. I am good enough to know that he is being good. It was all deep and dead. Nobody knows how something like yellow soil gets around.

Naked bodies lying around. Nakedness and such things. Nakedness is a process of unhiding. Only when one is strong or has nothing to lose or is extremely brave.
Be naked. Get naked. Show off the organs you hide but the ones that detoxify you and give you a new life. People are fucked up. Just as the way they are. People are really fucked up.

Vaginas and penises walking around in the world. Copulating for various reasons. Sometimes just for fun. Many a times just for fun.

Hot chics with nice ass as they call em. Women are meant to smell good to men. Many of them.

It happens like this and one can get fucked beyond repair.
Now it is like humans can have emotions and fight the wrongs and can see how strange it all is. What does it matter? People do matter. Only reason one can fight beyond any reason and reasonable doubt. In the light of the day beyond a reasonable doubt i should right one page a day to return to the light saber we have.

संसार और प्रकृति

एक बेहद एकाकी अंतर्मन में कहीं कुछ उथल पुथल है। ये गुफाओं की तरह है, ये मन। गहरी स्याह गुफाएं। एक अकेला योद्धा अपने पथ पर बढ़ता हुआ। मैं क्या कर सकता हूँ ये सोचने वाली बात है। संस्कृतियों का मेल हो रहा है और अब सब कुछ आपस में मिल रहा है। मैं क्या हूँ मैं ये जानता हूँ पर स्वयं को पाना और बनाना ऐसी चीज़ें हैं जिनका कभी अंत नहीं होता। मैं डरा नहीं और मैं चलता रहा। मैंने स्वयं को ऐसी चीज़ों का परिचय दिया जिनको सहन कर पाना मेरे लिए कठिन था। मैं रुका नहीं और न ही मैं डरा। जो सत्य है वो है, और हमेशा रहेगा। मैं क्या हूँ ये न तो मुझे दूसरे बताएँगे और न मैं सुनूँगा।

आगे बढ़ने के लिए लोग कई चीज़ें करते हैं। मैं भी कई चीज़ें कर रहा हूँ। पर बृह्माण्ड और संसार का सच जानते हुए भी सत्य के लिए लड़ना ही मकसद है। प्रकृति कमज़ोरों के लिए नहीं है और संसार का सच प्रकृति का सच नहीं है। प्रकृति का सच जानते हुए भी संसार के सच का साथ देना ही मेरा कर्त्तव्य है।

साँसे आगे चलती रहेंगी और मैं एक दिन मिट्टी में मिल जाऊँगा। उस दिन तक सत्य और शांति के लिए लड़ना ही मेरा लक्ष्य है। सत्य कड़वा होता है, पर उसे मीठा बनाना मेरा काम है। प्रकृति का सच न सही तो संसार का ही सही।