Destructo

He lived near the asylum for the sane. Insanity had taken over the world, and his father was sent to the asylum, while his mother worked in the insanitorium of the teenage people.

He was called Destructo, he could never know why. He liked creating. He liked making paper animals, and animals from play dough. He liked making poems about his imaginary friend Barney the hippo.

One day in the playground he was playing with children of his age when he fell upon a girl by mistake. The girl became furious but smiled at him later.

The sky suddenly got filled with enemy bombers and a bomb dropped over the playground. Everybody died. Except him and a bunch of others.

He was caught and charged for summoning the planes. He was made the commander of Parachute Battalion of Child Corpses and was presented a water gun and a lunch box full of grenades.

"But i like to create", was all he could say in the midst of applause.

The black goat

He had met her in a train. Trains are great places to meet strangers because they are places going places.

They were sitting besides each other when she asked him to open her bottle. He did, and with it he also uncorked his mouth. They got off at the same station.

He woke up on the bed covered in sweat. She was still sleeping. He did not even know her well.

He looks around and the green paint on the wall turns red. The walls start closing in and she disappears from the bed, leaving him into a cell the size of his bed.

He looks at the ceiling and sees a black goat drawn over it. The yellow eyes of the goat were gazing at him.

The cell suddenly becomes transparent and he sees her laughing at him, looking through the transparent wall.

She starts reading something from a book, finishes it, and then looks at him and says, "Sorry, my children are hungry!"

He turns into a black goat with yellow eyes.

मेरी बेवकूफियों का अंत नहीं है। बेवकूफियों में भाग नहीं लेने का फैसला कर के सबसे बड़ी बेवकूफी करना भी कैसी बेवकूफी है। मैं हिंदी में लिखना पसंद नहीं करता क्योंकि हिंदी में भावनाओं का महत्त्व कई गुना बढ़ जाता है। बचपन में जब मैं बाबा की गोद में बैठ के दूरदर्शन समाचार देखता था तो सोचता था की दुनिया बस इतनी सी है। बाबा मुझे पता नहीं कितनी बार उस जापानी लड़के की कहानी सुनाते थे जो अपनी अंधी बूढी माँ को छोड़ के जहाज़ ले कर उड़ गया ताकि अपनी जान दे कर वो अमेरिका का बड़ा विमान गिरा सके।

रात में छत पे बाबू मुझे पता नहीं कितनी कहानिया सुनाते थे। बड़े हो कर इन कहानियों का कोई मतलब नहीं रहता पर फिर भी बहुत मतलब रहता है। डर के जीने का कोई फायदा नहीं। पर अच्छे लोगों के पास डरने के अलावा कोई रास्ता नहीं है। यही सच है।

लड़ाके लड़ने के लिए पैदा होते हैं, किसी चीज़ से नहीं तो अपनी किस्मत से। मैं फ़ालतू लड़ाइयां नहीं लड़ना चाहता था पर असलियत जानने के बाद असली लड़ाइयों का औचित्य ही खत्म हो जाता है।

बेहतर है कि ये नकली खेल ऐसे ही चलता रहे। हर समय और हर वक़्त। ईमानदार लोग अपना काम ईमानदारी से करते रहें। मैंने अपना काम काफी ईमानदारी से किया है, और उसका परिणाम मुझे मिला है, अच्छा भी और बुरा भी। मुझे कोई दुःख नहीं है, सिर्फ इसके अलावा कि मेरे पास जानने के लिए कुछ बचा नहीं है।

I worked, overcame the issues i had and got ready to help people with similar issues, but i was young and naive. There are no issues and people with suffering with keep suffering. I have been damaged beyond a point where it has become difficult to live. Had it not been the family, i would've had no reason to live. I overcame my fear, and for that i was told that i'm a psychopath. I've lived my life with integrity, and loved everyone in my life with deepest of my feelings. This is an unfortunate end to a mammoth struggle which can't even be defined. People die everyday and i will also die, what hurts me the most is the reminder of the Herculean struggle i've done. World was not for me and now i know this. I was just the opposite of everything i was portrayed as, but it won't matter anyway and anyhow. The damage has been done, my image has been tarnished. It's just that my self image has not been harmed and that keeps me happy.

अपने अनुभवों को अगर मैं लिखने बैठूं तो शायद शब्द ढूँढने पड़ें। किताबों की बातें किताबों तक ही सीमित रह जाती हैं। अगर ईश्वर होता तो शायद वो मुझे समझता, पर मेरा सुकून छोटे छोटे पत्थर के ईश्वरों में ही है। कहते हैं सत्य की विजय होती है, और अगर ऐसा है तो कितना भी घुमावदार क्यों न हो उसकी विजय होनी चाहिए। मुझे मेरी विजय नहीं चाहिए, कभी चाहिए नहीं थी। लोग ईश्वर पर विश्वास करते हैं, और अगर उनका ईश्वर है तो वो सत्य जानता है।

मैंने सत्य की खोज कर ली। ईश्वर की खोज के लिए मेरे सत्य को सामने आना होगा। परिणाम जो भी हो, मेरा सत्य मैं जानता हूँ। इस पीड़ा का कोई अंत नहीं है, और विज्ञान के युग में मैं ऐसे किसी चमत्कार की अपेक्षा भी नहीं करता जो मेरे सत्य का लोगो को अनुभव करा दे।

निरर्थक प्रयासों के बाद, ईश्वर से मैं ये ही चाहूँगा की मेरा सत्य सामने आये, क्योंकि ये सत्य सिर्फ देखने का ही नहीं, अनुभव करने का  भी है।

Probably in death i may find an answer. To confide in something or someone in the time of a crisis would be great but the design is perfect. I wish to end it, finish it once and for all. But, there are things which need to be fulfilled that make me stay. The complexity of it all and my inability to get out of it, not the things done but my life as a whole has been tiring. One thing go wrong and then the chain reaction starts. There is no escape from this, and i so want to take the final escape route.

Even with a scientific attitude it feels as if my whole life has been jinxed and there is no way out from this incessant suffering than the final goodbye. The wait for it is too punishing, but because of being betrayed by life itself.

This is a never ending loop that will continue forever. It has scarred me and my experiences. It has taken away everything i had and more. At least i know of my hardwork, courage and goodwill for  people and that should be enough. I had thought i will pull myself out, but no, i can't because one can pull himself out when he is alone, or when there is someone for pulling him up. Life has always been unforgiving to me and this is a pattern that would continue, until i end this cycle myself.

Happiness is a thing that eludes me everytime i get a little closer to it. One ends of living a life that is exactly opposite of what he is, becoming the exact opposite of what he is. The heaviness of this is indescribable but i will have to carry the load as far as i can for the people who are still there.

There is nothing i can do to undo the damage done to me. With my future goals destroyed now, i do not have much to do and i'm undergoing this phase of indefinite joblessness.

I have become a character of my imagination in world's eyes and that wouldn't have been a problem if i was not destroyed on a personal level. The paranoia doesn't leave me, and i've been rendered useless.

When personal things can't be personal anymore then there goes one's right to claim one rights. If my personality has already been decided then nothing can be done, and all i can do is refuse it, because i know myself. Now i've been damaged to such an extent that i can't even fight back, can't dare to.

Sadism is a pleasing thing and i will have to undergo the suffering so that you can get that pleasure.

My suffering is my own, and i have undergone it despite being heavily stressed, sick. While my liver was failing i was being addressed as Dr. Hannibal. It's sad because i wouldn't have been able to eat my own liver if i had died.

I have kept my personal life seperate from all these issues and highly compartmentalized until everything was dragged into it.

As i'm in real, i do not disrespect anyone, and there is not an ounce of sadism in me. I was too busy to think about all this. While i was busy adapting for people in my life, i had also to things to fulfill my very personal goals which had nothing to do with women and social status. Sadly i find the rarest of rare ways to screw up.

Some people are extremely angry on me, and i take their anger, because i deserve it. I have apologized to some people for misunderstandings that have been there, and some are just bullying.

My blogging, how much ever worthless has just been a medium to explore myself. I have never made a personal remark, and if i have, in the rarest of cases and only on intrusion of my privacy that would never show my belief.

I have gone through hell, and there is no end to it. Everybody who is good in an area or has suffered heavily in that area owes to make a difference in that area whether he/she takes the reaponsibility or not.

Intentions never matter, but they are important for my conscience, and the peace of it. I blew it all away because i realized the worthlessness of it all. One can't climb on a boat that he has sunk.
The people i have hurt, are the only ones i care about the ones who are angry on me, even with hate and disgust. The rest is all bullying, and i realize that world never ends up not being a classroom. I love my people so much that i can give my life for them. I have undergone the worse, and i will have to be prepared for if something befalls on my family.

My emotions and feelings were falsified, and i have no option but to buy the popular version of morality. But given the options i have, i would consider it a fine option.