Love... aur uska the end...

What is love? I'm still trying to figure out but I really hope it's more than just play of chemicals in the brains as given in physiology and neurophysiology books. I would always prefer to believe in the ideal concept of love, but then it's not that practical in today's scenario, or may be it never was.
For me the first experience of it was during my 11th std, and it was a rather strong one. I am not sure if it was love or infatuation, and don't even want to be. It was strong though, like very strong.
Act I:
It was summer and it was the first day of my Chemistry tution class. We were sitting in the room and doing some numericals on moles concept or something I don't exactly remember. I was trying to solve the problems as fast as I could so that I can impress the teacher coz obviously the first impression is last impression, and then I heard that voice "Yaar tere paas pen hai?" This was the sweetest voice I had ever heard, and it happend, it was love at the first hearing (no it was not a court and you can judge me), I turned back and looked at her.
*Violin music cue*
  "Haan hai"
"Actually woh na mere pen ki ink khatam ho gayi"
"Ok"
"Toh please ek pen de de na"
"Ok"
*End violin music cue*
Now, "Yaar tere paas pen hai" would have left me rolling on the floor with laughter as 'pen' those days was a short for male genitalia in my class andor that matter the coversation "Yaar tere paas pen hai" "haan hai" would have been declared the joke of the year among my mates. But, I didn't laugh. One.
Two. I did not have two pens. I had just one with which I was writing, and she did not ask me "yaar tere paas do pen hain?" but "yaar tere paas pen hai?" Still, I handed over my pen to her.
I sat and whiled away my time, couldn't complete my numericals and was branded as a fool by my teacher. First impression is the last impression. Indeed.
Act V
It was a pink february cold and it was class 12th. Holidays for preparation of boards had begun.
Three friends were sitting in the park. Some random rock band played a depressing lyrics in one of the phones.
"Lega"
"Tu jaanta hai na main cigarette nahi peeta"
"Lele, us kutiya ke liye kyun ro raha hai"
"Kutiya mat bol"
"Ok mere baap, us mahaan devi ke liye kyun ro raha hai, le sutta pee"
Don't ask me about the missing acts coz it's a long story. But then one of the dialogues in between include "tu jispe marta hai na, maine uski ghodi banayi".
I never thought her as a bitch, but then thinking her as a mare was a nightmare. I had lost my first race in the racecourse of love.
LOL

The Gift..

"Can you tell me what is going on with him?" Dr Chandra inquired.
"No, not yet."
"For what you're waiting?"
"Government clearance, seems like he was a top secret government project.", Dr Bhaskaran spoke in his parmanently grave tone.
"A man suffering with last stage leukemia? A secret government project? Well, I don't care, I won't let a guy like him die in this pathetic manner, I heard you people are letting the Intelligence people to do their silly experiments on him. He was under my care once, and I won't let a guy like him suffer because of you idiots."
"I can't help you Chandra." Bhaskaran spoke in a flat tone.
Just as Bhaskarn ended his statement. A lanky figure approched him from the door.
Very next moment Dr Bhaskaran's body was flying out of the window of the fifth story of the hospital.
The lanky figure now faced Dr Chandra who was still in shock.
"Don't worry doc", Subject 143 as they called him spoke. "Bhaskaran won't die, he can fly"
"143..."
"I will live doc.... They saved me and I want to give you a gift for all the care you gave me."
Saying this he pierced the carotids of Dr Chandra with his fangs.
143, now the commander of Vampire Corps of Indian army gifted Dr Chandra immortality.

The Smokin Bar

"Is she your sister, you son of a bitch?" - The fat guy in the bar shouted at him still holding hand of that bar girl. The bar girl still trying to pull away herself.

"Fuck you." - He said calmly.

The fat guy stared at him. 

"Yo motherfucker, you got guts, aint you?" - A beefy man said, coming towards him at the quick signal of the fat guy.

"Yeah, so do you" - He said moving his cigarette to the other corner of his lips.

Sudden movements happened. Five shots were fired. The beefy guy was now writhing about on the floor with his intestines all around him in a pool of blood.

One more shot was fired and the fat guy fell with a thud.

The guy with the smoke in his mouth looked in the eyes of the not yet dead beefy man with his sausage like intestines moving along with his body as he quivered with pain and spoke calmly - "Told you, you got guts too."

There was pin-drop silence in the bar, the crowd either being on the floor or under their tables. 

Putting his gun in the holster, the man with the smoke coolly walked out of the door. 

Fighting with self..

Resolving your own conflicts can be difficult. You know it all. You've figured out everything but still your self does not agree to accept the truth. It wants to believe in it's own version of truth which is comfortable to itself and not to you.

Opposing wills, very schizoid trait I must say, but I've been struggling with it almost half of my life and even more than that. I am sometimes surprised on realizing that how people can be so sure of things, but as I know, most people see things from a fixed perspective, unlike me, who sees things in various perspectives and thus fails to tell if an idea, action or incident is wrong, unless ofcourse it's wrong on humanistic and moralistic terms. 

Resolving conflicts with your own self takes time, especially if it's genetically obstinate, which in my case it is. But I will do it.

Piya... - Song #1

Piya.....  main hui teri baawri.

Jiya...... ye mora chahe tujhko hi

Kitne saawan hain beetey yun..

Johu main teri aahat..

Jab se gaya pardes tu..

Badhti rahi ye meri chaahat..

Piya.. main hui teri baawri

Jiya... ye mora chaahe tujhko hi

Aas nihaare yun naina more..

karti rahun main tera intezaar..

Ankhon mein leke ye sapne kai..

Dil bhi ye mera bekaraar..

Piya.....  main hui teri baawri.

Jiya...... ye mora chahe tujhko hi

Nature of delusions...

The biggest mistake I did in my life was breaking my delusions. Naked stark reality is not cool and when it comes to motivation it sucks like a 50 year old experienced whore. After my each dream got fucked by circumstances, I stripped  myself of beliefs and started believing in the philosophy of 'nanga nahayega kya aur  nichodega kya'. Now, the major error that occurred was that I was not selective while stripping myself of delusions. I just shed them all at once, and that brought me insurmountable suffering.

The thing to know is, everything has a reason, if people are deluded, they are deluded for a reason. Letting things happen naturally, as they really are is the deal. Things are the best when they are natural, and a very few people will deny this statement. Then a thought strikes, what is unnatural? Everything is governed by the laws of the nature and even if something is not happening in accordance to its normal nature, it's still happening according to natural laws. This is so confusing that it looks like a long shitty wordplay and probably it sounds like crap too. I give up.

Of black sheep, dark horses and ugly ducklings

I have felt alone, I have felt lonely and I was forsaken in my worst times but still I love company. I like meeting with people, talking to them, knowing about them, mixing with them but still I was a loner by choice during my college days. I did not like the obvious approaches of my classmates, their predictable behaviour and jealousy so I behaved more in a ‘cute smile-fuck off’ manner. Most of my time was spent on that hidden path cut in the hill, smoking, listening to music and contemplating.Every evening I used to go to that area with a soft-drink can and a pack of cigarettes. With the earplugs plugged into my ears and the beautiful bright green scenery contrasting with the red hills, the puffs of smoke felt nothing but heavenly.The real cause of loneliness I believe, is not having people who complement you, around. The people whom you like, who share your interests and make you happy. One can be surrounded by thousand people and still feel lonely if he is not accepted or identified. A person needs his kind but in the end of it all we realize, up to a limit, being lonely is not a choice but feeling lonely is.