8/10/20
I can say that I’m not a Kafir in the sense that I do believe in a Supreme Power but then I also believe in Murtipuja and my Devtas and Kuldevi and Devtas, so that does make me a Kafir in at least one religion. I also don’t take parts in rituals much because of my health but that doesn’t mean I don’t believe in them. I think if God wants to punish me, He/She/It will and I really can’t complain. I have tried to be by the book, except for some things and also haven’t been very fond of being alive since a long time now. I think He/She/It, would already know me and with the experiences I have had, the “things” that have been troubling me don’t seem like God.
I am fond of sex, but only for the purposes of humour (jokes etc.) and when I was younger, poetry. With my age now, I don’t think I am interested in it anymore and I doubt any lassie can honey-trap me as I have been before.
What matters to me is intimacy, and not being a fountainhead. Pleasure just like morphine is a substitute to drown pain, and this is what I have experienced in my life. I needed someone and I couldn’t get that person and I don’t complain because the people I met were awesome even though I trash-talk about them sometimes. I did not need a Havaldar Shinde, I needed someone who would know that we are alone in this world together.
It was a walk of shame in here, and then what we call in Hindi a 'Nanga Naach’. I mean what can you do if you try your level best but still have to drink a Monster Energy Drink, or maybe sometimes a Red Bull. I have read a lot of “good things” too but what can you do when your head doesn’t play the videotapes of your heart but something else altogether, the morphine, ahem. I think Param Padm (or if it is something else) could do with a little understanding of sarcasm.
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