Nostalgia Shot

How great it was, a bunch of friends playing Quake 3 Arena on LAN. A bunch of dudes going on long rides on their bikes, stopping at a tea stall to drink tea. Does that world still exist? Probably it does, but it has lost its meaning. Lord of The Rings on a 5.1 surround system, it had a meaning back then. Losing is not as bad as losing the meaning in the the things you once loved to do. All that remains now is nostalgia. A lot of it. You see the world through the filter of your perception. Age of Empires on a dial-up modem, Tribes 2 and its bgm on cheap 2.1 speakers which you thought you would replace with a great 5.1 surround sound system. When did you lose all the meaning in these things? You realise that it is because your priorities changed. Was it a fault in personality? Probably it was. But it is also called prioritising things. You prioritised things were more important, and that can't be wrong, never will be. The world changed too fast. And 5.1 surround sound systems became older, they were replaced by more advanced systems, just that the soul of music which one was supposed to listen on great speakers was lost. Though old music still exists and so does classical music, the music that would always have soul. How great was Yahoo Messenger. You spent days in the Harry Potter chatrooms, roleplaying as Harry Potter characters. Now they probably do that on Discord. You don't understand Discord. Probably you are old. The things you loved back then stood the test of time. Quake 3 Arena and Tribes 2 are still great games. You wonder if they would ever reboot Tribes. Quake still gets relased but it's not as fun as Quake 3 Arena. Probably it was the time back then. Probably it was the lack of options. Things were not bad back then, in fact they were great. You remember how you loved comic books and collecting them. You have no idea where did your collection go. You prioritised a goal over your interests and when you reached that goal you realise that you would have reached it even if you haven't sacrificed your interests. The comic books had worlds hidden in them. So do all the books. And so when you got the chance, you collected videogames and books. They have no meaning anymore but you wanted to do that for the old times sake. You have all the videogames and books you wanted now, but what is absent is the desire to play and read them. You understand the mathematics of the world now. Innocence is ignorance and ignorance is sin. Though when you lose the ignorance, you realise that you were better off being ignorant even if it made you susceptible to exploitation. 

A Love Letter

I was never able to make you believe that I love you. People can love different people differently, I love diffrent people diffrently I don't know about others. I have no idea how and why my love for you couldn't go across from my heart to you. You loved me the traditional way, which was right on your part but I couldn't, I couldn't because I had some rules and I was not intoxicated and consumed in love as people generally are. My love for you was, in fact, is a sane one. But it was love. How unfortunate is it when you love someone and they also love you and you can't get your love across. You know that they love you but you are not able to make them believe that you too love them. My love for you was sane, but your love for me was worldly. Is that how women love? To get married? Probably that's how all women love. To get married. It's a splinter in my heart, that I couldn't make you believe that I too love you. What was so special in me that I wouldn't love you. Though the world comes in between. It always does. The seeds of suspicion and disbelief are sown by the world. I could've handled it, if only the world hadn't come in between. I would have made you believe that I love you. That you are deserving of love. Did the world spoil you, I don't know. I'm not sure about it. I went through hell, but I survived it because I was a warrior, and warriors live in hell. I would never know whether you were or were not part of the problem and it doesn't matter because I loved you, in fact, I still do. Probably you were part of the problem, or probably you were as unfortunate as me, or probably you were supposed to have a better life. I don't regret shit, except the things I did that I didn't want to do. I could've kept it clean, but does that matter. Two lonely souls taking care of each others, or maybe not, just one lonely and other not so loney soul taking care of each other. It doesn't end for me, it never will, and I know that it's the world that came in between and it was not you. I regret nothing except not being able to show my love for you, not being able to make it reach to you, and again it was the world that prevented it. I forgive you, because your love was worldly. Probably women only love to get married. 

Pineapple on Pizza

Everything turns out to be fake. It was disappointing, as it turns out everyone is a wannabe. Bikers doing cross country are wannabe, rockstars and rock fans are wannbes. They didn't have to be. I thought I had missed out on a lot, turns out I had not. It's the nature of this country, turning everyone into imposters. The style is keeping the actual culture(s) low, propagating a fake high culture and setting it as a goal to be achieved which the individuals who follow it or want to follow it think to be real. It is here that one becomes thankful for having roots. There is no point in going to comic cons, lit fests and bike weeks and music fests if one has to "achieve" it. These events and places are signifiers of interests and anyone who is interested should go if they have the money, but a decade ago, pizza became a thing to be achieved for me, probably it was the state I lived in, I have no idea how much part in it all the state I lived in at that time had to play in it, but it is the very reason that place is what it is. Pizza is not worth it if it has to be achieved, it is a food item and people who have money should eat it if they please, but we live in a country where mall escalators and pizzas are gate-keeeped from people. It was not applicable on me, but it was forcefully applied on me. The discrimination, and on a very personal scale was brewing from the past twenty years and in the process I realised how severe discrimination and gate-keeping the common people of this country go through, and also in the meantime realise that all comic cons, bike weeks, music fests and lit fests are fake and are organised with the very intent of deluding people not to mention the level of control over people I came to know about that make all these things redundant. I'm not interested in eating a pizza in a country where people are prevented from eating a pizza with their own money. It betrays an absolute lack of class in individuals who are in control. The hierarchy of the structure is the same as it looks from outside. English is not a language but a thing that you have to deserve speaking, deserve speaking by doing what is the question. Pizza even if it is bought with your own money is something that you have to deserve eating. If it is so, one doesn't deserve to sweat about it, home food is way much better, and one's colloquial languages are way better to speak in. The most unfortunate thing is that individuals who think like this have access to minds of people who are way better than them, in every respect. I was ambushed by individuals who were filled up to the brim by American propaganda, and I suppose it is the go to entertainment for high class of this country, and later I was handed over to scums for whom mall escalators are a big deal. Mall escalators can be a big deal for an old village woman who has came to the first time to the city but they are not such a big deal that their magnificence is propagated socially through technology and people have to deserve to climb them. Malls are for shopping isn't it, and mall escalators are because they aid people to easily climb floors and shop from the malls thereby bringing profit to them. Village ladies hesitating to climb mall escalators was cute only until one realised that it is systematic discrimination and oppression. It's unbelievable that an army of individuals is employed in this country to make people feel that they don't deserve to eat a pizza or speak in English or climb on escalators. This country has reached to the point where its controllers are doing favour to people by merely letting them exist. They think of rape, exploitation, torture and genocide of people as their right and this kind of thinking can't really be corrected. 

Nouveau Riche

It started with sorts of moral and ethical issues. Though I know that it wasn't that since the start but anyway, moral high ground was taken tactically. Since I became aware of the approach and the level it was at, the moral highground of these individuals had been dismantled. The control is absolute so the modus operandi is first making the target doing morally questionable things and then torturing the target. The "making the target do things" part is direct, they directly possess the mind and body of the target, disable the mind and take control of the mind and body and then make him do things, whether they are morally questionable or not. It's just to say that this level of control on human mind and body is possible. They have been reduced to brute force, so now they can't really have a moral upperground. When you use brute force it means that you have already lost the debate or discourse, though history tells us that it is only who use brute force that emerge the victors. Brute force is only and the ultimate thing, given you have the power, which these individuals have in form of mind and physiology control technology and intelligence on the target and his deepest thoughts, feelings and secrets. All of it has been for nothing, but these individuals are habituated of raping, exploiting, torturing and murdering people for nothing so it's not a big deal for them. These are genocidal rapist despots and in a country of more one and a quarter billion people. There was absolutely no need for any of it. There was a sort of an ostracisation for a silly non-moral, non-legal and non-sexual reason, and it was pretty early, but very fortunately I was able to see what kind of an individual or individuals would have taken the decision back then. The trauma was terrible and continuous but despite the trauma my reason remained and it's through this reason I was able to fight back. In short it's a gang of rapist and extortionists criminals headed by genocidal despots who frame and torture individuals and families. Why was I selected is not known to me but then these scums of the earth rape and murder people on their whims and I had some attributes and had socio-cultural attributes of standing me out, so I suppose I was one of the ill-fated persons who get into their clutches and suffer. The normal modus operandi of these individuals is making people do morally questionable things, by directly controlling them, and then get a moral upperground and then using the moral upperground they have and the guilt of the target to rape, exploit and torture him, and the target can't or doesn't protest because he is moral person and is aware of his moral low ground, it's not really rocket science, sometimes they throw in blackmail to silence the target and keep him from protesting. The fun part of it all would be if the technology is Russian or Western. It's not been long since this country has been independent and the rich and powerful, are still nouveau riche, I mean if they can go deep into my past and family history for no reason, I can do this much. So, the battle is already lost especially on the moral side if the technology turns out to be Russian or Western. It would be great if it turns out to be occult but my definition of occult is that it shouldn't use technology or external contraptions and should be accessible to all without anyone being able to prevent its access. I would be the happiest person if it turns out to be occult but it's not, at least not what my definition of occult is. These westernised genocidal bastards act like they are royalty but they are actually not. They have achieved nothing that matters, and are basically cuckolds. But yes, they can use brute force on people they have a hundred percent control over. 

Chase

How much can the stubbornness to destroy someone can be especially because of no reason? It just betrays the fact that one hasn't seen or experienced reality as it actually is, though the experience of reality that is present I suppose there isn't any need to. Some individuals live in rainbow land and from there they make the lives of other people hell. I was interested in truth and by extension, knowledge, and I got the truth, as far as knowledge goes there isn't any need to know more after what I have come to know. It's pure hatred because of no reason and the most shocking thing about it is the place it started at and the level at which it was expressed. This makes sure that common people can't have a good and normal life at all, and it means that depraved, entitled and spoilt idiots are in control of people. It's been an unbelievable journey since the past decade especially and every single good experience that I could've had has been ruined. As one realises that the most obvious thing actually turns out to be true, it probably is the underdevelopment of my region. It was hit home to me that people grow because these individuals allow them to grow. It doesn't check out they way things have gone but that tells how these individuals are scums in the name of humans and how spoilt, entitled and despotic they are. Everything I had known about the world was falsified, helping people, giving back to the society, everything, except hand to mouth and probably having some capital or real estate as security. Mental health is not even an issue because all mental health except chromosomal disorders are fake and intentionally inflicted. Things didn't have to be so simple but they actually are. It's direct slavery by despotic bottom of the barrel criminals and scum of the earth where they torture, rape, exploit and murder people without their knowledge. 

Useless Conspiracy

I find it quite funny the absolute scum of the humanity are employed by entitled extortionists and thieves to control every smallest detail of people's lives. I really didn't have any options. Things were practically not possible, and it turns out to be my own region as early as it could be and continuously. You lose all pleasure of life but it's fair as you lose it in return for the truth, and the knowledge about slavery. It's all as real as it can get and my life has been nothing short of unbelievable. Continuous torture and sabotage at each step and stage of my life for no reason at all. How much more stupid it can get when these individuals have to get meaningless thoughts and memories by rapist and extortionist criminals. It's systematised exploitation and rape. With me it started with forgetfulness which could be better explained as a full blown amnesia, with each current thought going into oblivion to never be accessed again. Adding to that was continuous pain, soreness and burning all over. I had thought of it as somatization of anxiety, which in the end it turns out to not to be so, now I think of it as sabotage which it most probably was. It's been a habit of mine to let go of my past and focus on my present and future and repression might be an actual thing but losing access to all your past is not normal. It's about ideas and thought basically and to think that one discards whole of his life for an attribute he doesn't like in himself is although possible but may not be the truth. You get famous unintentionally and the game of as many heads so many thoughts comes into play and very unfortunately these individuals deal in rape, extortion, murder and absolutes and extremes without having the ability for proper judgement of people or if there is ability then there is no intent of right judgement. It's a zero sum game in which the common man loses everything. He loses his life and dignity if he doesn't have enough money and a whole structure works continuously to bleed money from him and in a lot of cases this is perpetuated directly. The basic approach is murdering people indirectly, and in a lot of cases exploiting, raping, torturing them directly. It was just mindblowing how direct the slavery is and how delusional these individuals are and how low the threshold to qualify for perpetual torture is. I just had to be on an internet platform, and inadvertently, where the rich of the country were also present. That's all I had to do, and I didn't even try to mingle with them, I was just busy doing what I do. Later I got possessed by a rapist which by all means I already was, and things became very hyper local to my hometown and its village life. Village is the last tier of human existence in present times in this country and it helps in oppressing and discriminating against a person if you prove them to be a villager, which very unfortunately for me I'm not though I am still connected to my villages. I would have loved to have villager like qualities as they are resourceful people, but that's really not the case. When things got hyper local I realised that my past and my family's past is going through a lot of eyes and through the judgements, as based on judgements that reached me, of very incompetent individuals, but there is nothing that can be done about it as this is the reality. 

Foiled Escape Plan

The psychology that was used on me was simple. In fact it just took two extortionist rapists to sabotage me. They equipped them with my past and rest was done by them. I had my psychological theories back then and I used to think that it was all repression due to emotional trauma that needed to be vented out and I tried to do it with the help of creativity. Unfortunately it was not trauma but sabotage. Their are truths, like which regional structures has control of my brain a decade ago. I was possessed, cognitively disabled but my reason which was a distillation of all my life experiences was intact. It was real-time. I used to think that I had discarded my life due to stubbornness, but I realised that I was chosen to self-destruct, not because of some fault, but because that's what they normally do to majority, throwing them in the pit of self-harm and self-destruction while at the same time continuously torturing them for depraved and sadistic pleasures. Future was a vast place for me back then, and I had the ability and skill to make me perception of the future real, despite the disability and torture inflicted on me. These individuals have access of lives and pasts of people and thus an information edge as their realities are never revealed to the people they sabotage and torture. They work by knowing new things about people and learning new knowledge in general and then act like they had known it since years and then torture their targets for the obvious knowledge gap between them and their target while keeping tabs on the learnings of their target and how, when and why the target learnt what he knows. Their approach is having an absolute belief in inferiority of their target, and it's here one realises that belief is everything even if it is delusion, it is a war of beliefs. Their delusions of superiority is invariably a defence mechanism or if not is based on very simple rules of judgement like having direct control and superiority over the target and having an edge over knowledge, resources and power over the target, though the issue is that they choose their targets out of hatred and the process of choosing the target is more akin to picking a fight with a random person walking on the road. Since they have superiority in the power dynamic it is not telling who will actually win, but they are not actually satisfied by having a superiority in just the power dynamic and also want to win the battle of narrative by making the target feel that he is wrong by presenting lies which look like truths and since they have access to the truths it makes the target more liable to take their false version of truths as truth. The main agenda over winning the war of narrative, and proving the target wrong is that if the target is a conscientious and good person, they can exploit the target for as long as they can by blackmailing him due to him being wrong when he was not wrong in the first place. In short, it's a bunch of criminals exploiting only and only good people, and they masquerade as the providence, in fact they actually are the providence and (hopefully not) the only God that there is. The currencies in this struggle are sex, power, money and resources. Why did I have to know that, when I just wanted to create, dish out helpful psychology, write poetry and stories in my leisure and treat people to health as my vocation, but then it hit home the fact that it's a setup of totalitarian exploitation with all religious knowledge and philosophy amounting just to propaganda. With all the knowledge and books that I read in the 90s it was just unbelievable that the actual face of everything is of a rape and exploitation machine but once one sees it functioning and gets to know (of course unintentionally and inadvertently) the kind of individuals employed in the structure there doesn't remain a shadow of doubt about it.