Equated Monthly Installment

Traumas shape the lives of those who let traumas shape their lives. The first step to dealing with a trauma is acknowledging that it happened. The next step is learning from it and then the next and the final step comes, that is getting over it. The difficulty of the final steps varies from person to person and depends on the kind of trauma. I used my traumas to practice kintsugi, I mended myself with ideas I considered as higher in nature just like a broken vase is mended with gold in kintsugi. It’s been more than a decade I have been dealing with rabid conspiratorial designs and yet somehow, I persist. I don’t know how long I would be able to persist with the barrage of conspiracies thrown at me, but now that I’m aware that it is not my own self sabotaging me things kind have kind of become simpler. Though self-sabotage has a Sanam Teri Kasam male protagonist kind of sex appeal and charm to it, but then since the system is mathematical and optimised for exploitation, these things do not really matter. I have seen the abyss and parachuted into it; I have also hand-glided over it. High ideas mean a lot to me. I believe in ideals, and I believe in codes and following them. The truth however is cheap and in a setting like this hypocrisy becomes a norm. People are anyway hypocrites and those who are not are forced to become by controlling and manipulating conditions around them. Once you become a whore it doesn’t matter if you are dicked by two or by hundred. Suffering used to have meaning, and that’s how poets, writers and philosophers took birth in normal humans. Now suffering is a norm and the best you can do is sell your suffering. I refuse to sell my suffering. What would do though is create lifebuoys and throw them around in the void for people suffering aimlessly into the void. Suffering is not cool, but it is essential for character development. The best thing is that it develops the character of the ones who are good, as assholes just pass on their suffering to those weaker than them. The thing is to realise that there is no legacy to leave, and no greatness to achieve. Your legacy can be shat upon by subhuman assholes who also have the power to retrospectively destroy your pedigree and as much horrific as it sounds, once you digest it, it gives you a kind of freedom you haven’t really experienced before. Stars can be your ancestors, or they can be masses of exploding gases, depends on the route you choose. There comes a time when you start to question reality despite knowing all the science in the world and it gets so extreme that you start wondering if flat-earthers are right. Which cosmology to believe, the cosmologies of different religions, or the scientific cosmology which is a work in progress. I choose to believe the science, and this is what it ultimately comes down to. Your choices. You know what happened to Jesus? He was a good guy, and he was made an example of by Romans and Jews, and such a big example that people follow that example till date and yet the masters in the world of today exploit the people based on sins that he died for. It’s kind of a tribal approach where a goat is assumed to carry the burden of sins of people, and then, is sacrificed or if the tribe is kind, let go into the wilderness. I was a retainer who couldn’t find a master however hard he tried and so I decided to be my own master and while I do partake in the Ekta Kapoor drama that a portion in my life is, I also realise that it is fake. The wheel of time keeps moving and I keep sitting on the assembly line getting closer to be culled like the sacrificial lamb that I am and while I’m doing that, I just keep writing what would make people aware of the fake drama that is going on. The basics are simple, food, clothing and shelter and these things are procured with money. Maslow is writhing in his grave seeing people getting self-actualised even before fulfilling their physiological needs.  

Write Concepts #11

I started writing just as I got into college. I had my favourite genres back then and one of them was noir. Slowly I started getting exposed to transgressive fiction, and the writers who wrote it, like Bret Easton Ellis and Chuck Palahniuk. My goal was to weave, along with other genres, stories from margins and underground of the society, though after truly getting exposed to the society and the way it functions I ultimately realise that the things happening in the margins and underground of the society is actually the normal and standard setting and people are kept unaware of it through individualised and custom tailored bubbles of reality. My writing is a mix of all the genres I like. I have written poetry for quite some time so I do have metaphorical approach to writing, and even though I don't intend to shock people the very approach used in transgressive fiction might elicit a shocking response. I have seen shit and I use it to write transgressive stuff, unfortunately it may or may not be fiction. The reality, as I realised, is in itself transgressive, and it's just our bubbles that are saving our sanity. If I was not a physician, I would have gotten crayed by seeing what I saw, but then in the end it was beneficial for my writing. I think I have written a lot of truth and writing more than this, unless I feel really compelled to write it, would come in the domain of whining. While whining was not my intent at all and it was mostly documenting the truth of this shithole of a country as I saw it, I think I have written enough of the truth, and I must retreat in the domain of fiction, and in the realm of culture and aesthetics and try to preserve what I deem worth preserving. It's not easy. I lack the skills to exactly preserve what I want to preserve in English language, or it might be that it is the limitation of the language, but the least I can do is try. There are domains I specialise in, philosophy, psychology and some cultures, and although I would like to see myself mastering fiction and aesthetics and even poetry, the truth is that I'm not very skilled at any of these, though I like working in these domains and even if I'm not a great poet, there is truth in my poetry and I think it suffices for now. So, the focus shifts on culture, aesthetics and fiction and sometimes, on science, philosophy and psychology. I might get political every now and then but only when I really have something to say. Grammar has been an issue since always but I'm determined to get better, and my personal style at present is a potpourri of genres I like but I would like to be better at taking individual genres or styles and writing in them. 

Hopeless Romantique

Society will shame you for being a romantic but there is nothing shameful in being a romantic. Of course it is all transactional in the times of today and romance practically doesn't exist, but if you are a romantic, don't discard your romanticism and keep it within you as an aesthetic quality. It is infinitely hard in today's times to get someone on whom you can project your romanticism and they deserve it, but if you have got that special someone count your blessings. This country deals, other than marriage, in pussy, and the chief methods pussy is obtained are transactions (money or favours), intimidation and deception. The powerful use women as a fleshlight, and it is later I realised that this happens at a deeper level, practically almost the deepest level. I'm a romantic and I stick to romance in my life, if only in the form of poetry now. Marriages are breaking all over the country now, but there is a deeper and more insidious reason other than or even along with, disagreements and incompatibility. Majority in this country are still arranged, and its not a bad thing, but unfortunately the focus now is not on compatibility but the economics side of things. It was different earlier because people used to get married in their early 20s and in case of our grandparent's generation even teenage and child marriages were prevalent and that gave the couple a lot of time to develop compatibility, partnership, companionship love, even if romantic love was absent. Nothing bonds two people together more than than trying to survive together. Expecting romance in a country where women are no more than fleshlights is kind of a tricky situation, but then that's what sells romance novels and romantic comedies. When I was younger I used to write a lot of romantic poetry and a bit of sensuous or erotic poetry only to end up seeing the actual truth of this country, with regards to male female dynamics, that is sexual opportunism. You are lucky if you find sexual compatibility, friendship, companionship and spiritual connection, all in one partner, which given the political state of this country is impossible. What is carrying marriages in this country is plain and simple common survival goals in which you aid each other to survive. Having spiritual connection to someone you love is anyway a far cry in the type of political scenario we live in this country, which you can call having a soulmate, and it is only available to incredibly privileged. What you can do however is find the person you vibe with and eat bhuttas in the rain with him or her. The power dynamic is such that women, except the ones from privileged families are totally helpless, and they get used until they or their family finds someone to settle down with. I, as a man have seen the setup of this country and how hard it is to navigate it so I realise that women except for the privileged ones, stand no chance as the gap in power dynamic advantage between men and women is way too vast to overcome. Politics trumps companionship, and love, even higher forms of romantic love and spiritual connection despite existing, is prisoner to the greater politics that governs our lives. The simple thumb rule is that good people get cucked, whether they are males or females, though even if you do, you can learn to not to make the same mistake again. Having a soulmate matters shit in a world where the powerful use living, breathing women as fleshlights. Though the allure of walking under the streetlights on a rainy winter evening eating icecreams with your beloved never really fades for a person who is truly romantic. 

Premature Evacuation

Railways are the true picture of where Indian society is at, always has been. I travel by train often, and I have travelled a lot by train during my childhood. The approach of people in trains has changed. Earlier it was warmth, when you met someone in train there used to be bonding, they even offered food, accepting which of course depended on you because of the criminal elements who were prevalent and poisoned people and took their belongings but train journeys were different back then. Now, you just meet people busy within themselves, at maximum they would ask you to exchange your berth with them or adjust. Opportunism in the society has increased manifold and it will continue to get worse for all classes except the class that is "above the noise". I was in train and it was funny that Indians behave the same whether they are in planes or in a train. As soon as the last station arrived they started pushing and shoving each other for getting down. It's the last station for the god's sake and the train is not going further than that. The same behaviour is exhibited in planes. It was all normal for me a few years ago. I thought of it as India even if it all was progressively getting worse, until a few years ago I realised that this kind of behaviour is politically and intentionally propogated centrally. The first class of this country who took over from the British, if at all they took over, make sure that it is always "throwing of food packets during a flood from a helicopter scenario and people fighting for who can get the food packets". My ideal country for etiquettes, discipline and manners is Japan. India too has manners but in theory, once you get on a train or a social setting, the manners vanish. The issue is that this shit is going to get worse. I miss my train journeys in the 90s when I used to get comics from A.H. Wheeler on the station and filled with the joy of going home used to get immersed in world of comics until home arrived. I talk a lot of about 90s and pre-90s comic books and the depth they had. I recently happened to chance on an old copy of Comic World, comic magazine published in the late 90s. It was an issue I hadn't read before and when I read it I realised that I was not wrong, stories and comics really used to have depth back then. There is no doubt that we are, and probably have always been ruled by incompetent demonic retards and the age of technology is just making the totalitarianism worse. It was particularly targeted in my case but I survived because I was a physician and had ample knowledge of psychiatry because I wanted to be a psychiatrist. Always remember that mental health issues in at least 90 percent of cases are political in nature. You don't get emotional traumas and mental health issues so that you can recover from them, it is in majority of cases inflicted by the entity that acts as providence as well as intelligence, just at a way deeper level than the elected government visibly operates. You can become successful and attain a level where you are above the noise and only see the insides of a plane and airport lounges and five star hotels, though it was never my plan. I wanted to help people and do research, the only thing I wanted to do other than that was attending music fests and food establishments of my choice. Though it doesn't matter anymore because clubs like BlueFrog have closed or have disappeared from the scene and my kind of music, except for on YouTube, has become extinct. Society has been stratified, and it's basically dogs and Indians not allowed boards, just not as obvious as the British were kind enough to be. I don't really like dancing on "tera pyar pyar pyar Hookah bar" on weekends and don't take me wrong, I'm a huge Himesh fan and would certainly attend his concert. I'm just talking about the stratification and stratification of things like music. I mean I would attend a Midival Punditz concert, they were my favourite artists once upon a time, but ultimately you realise that you need something more than the capacity to buy the tickets for the event. 

Mixed Fruit Jam

The smell of the first rain hitting the soil, do you remember it? Life has a lot to offer. I remember a prominent comics creator hating rains because in his childhood the ceiling in his home used to leak during rains and that reminds me of a joke, "I hate eating pineapples, because I was raped in Hawai". That's the thing about life, associations. You have to stop associating and generalising. Generalising does help sometimes, in fact maybe a lot of times, and the brain does have a habit of generalising to save time, but you should develop a habit of judging things on their individual merits and demerits if things are not urgent and if you have time. How hard is it to disassociate a leaking roof that wets your bed and household items, or a pineapple from an unfortunate event. It depends actually but efforts can be made. If you are able to do that world becomes a beautiful things and pockets of hatred and revenge become smaller and smaller and the larger area that had hate and revenge now is just occupied by caution and forgiveness. One needs to learn to trust their instincts but before that one needs to learn if what they are thinking of as their instinct is really their instinct, this is unfortunately the kind of world we are living in, even what we feel and the thoughts in our heads might not be our own. The level of psychology in this country is very low, because those who owns this country didn't even bother about thinking people as deserving of something higher that Pavlovian psychology. It's a simplified process reward and punishment (though punishment is not actually punishment in a lot of cases as the fault is not with the person who did the thing to deserve the punishment, so it essentially becomes torture) or reward and torture, or in its simplified process pleasure and pain. You go a bit higher in human realm and, I can tell of Purvanchal, it is favours and revenge. A lot of human dealing is based on human revenge. The controllers of the shithole really believe that a man who has forgotten a childhood insult would really take it out on someone he barely knows just because he shares some common attribute to the person who inflicted that insult and this is the level of psychology in this country and we are talking both psychology and neuropsycholgy here. It is because these motherfuckers are criminally insane and only focused on rape and exploitation and have built the psychology around it and optimised it to the maximum level it could have been optimised. The focus is sex and money (and resources) which due to absolute upper hand in power dynamic has become rape and exploitation and of course needless conspiring is there. At this point they are just having fun, getting you raped in Muzaffarpur so that you grow up hating litchis. 

Hell Blazing

Characters are everything. I have always loved comic book characters. Batman is one of the most favourite comic book characters and he is mine too. But other than that, if we talk comic books of the west my favourites would be The Punisher and John Constantine. I like Punisher for his instant justice approach, though I also believe that for doing instance justice you must have capacity to judge rightly, which is not a problem in comic books mostly, except the newer iterations of characters, because heroes and villains are clearly defined. I got exposed to John Constantine during my college days, and him being a cynical occult detective. I was very cynical, and finally after decoding the world I would say rightly so, so Constantine really vibed with me. The punisher deals with demons on Earth while Constantine deals with actual supernatural demons and hell. You be around on the earth for a while and you realise that there is not much differences between demons on Earth and actual supernatural demons, they are the same. It's kind of biblical that devil actually rules this planet. In Hindu mythology Asuras and Rakshasas are played down and shown inferior to the Gods who sometimes manage to overthrow them, it's not like that. This shit is permanent. The devil really tempts, and this temptation is not because temptation is bad but because it is the way of politics. In political terms this is called baiting. Of course there might be supernatural and occult truths that I as a common man might not be knowing. And actually some supernatural things have happened to me. But as a common man I know what I need to know, that a poor man dies when he gets typhoid or even some really common infection and no miracles or magic saves them, or many families starve to death. What is funny to me is that they really went ahead with absolute totalitarianism in a country like India where relationships were everything. Sitting on the iron throne means shit when you just have a pedigree and legacy of seventy years but then time is something that will pass and until you keep giving assholes incentives as money and freedom to rape people, the reign, since it is insidious will continue. Incorruptible people will remain incorruptible even if they are framed in a molestation case, though they can be silenced, especially by using their family, but whatever crime they are forced to do, they will remain incorruptible. The problem with this country is that they didn't develop metaphysics as the West did for the devil being the ruler of the world, and this makes these motherfuckers just cheap roadside criminals with a lot of power. I always believe that warriors are creatures of hell and they can't really be corrupted, I mean true warriors. Right and wrong moral and immoral anyway matters shit, but it matters to those whom it matters and the problem here is that God itself is corrupt. 

Your Worlds and The World

You should choose the worlds you inhabit it and in today’s world of you should make sure, just for the sake of your dignity, that you inhabit worlds you have purchased or built, that is if you are a good man or women. You know the best place to get inspiration from? It’s the nature. The nature holds secrets that haven’t yet been deciphered. It’s seeming like oversaturation, the knowledge about the nature but it’s not really oversaturated. There is still a lot of knowledge left to be discovered and learnt from nature. The same goes for the universe but the universe is not accessible to a common person, though he can wonder with the knowledge he already has. Wonder and imagination are beautiful things and so is curiosity. In today’s world it’s hard to find someone to share your curiosity and wonder but that shouldn’t matter, you must have yourself to explore your curiosity and wonder.  I recently bought a book about how different animals perceive the world. Our perception is limited, and we don’t see a lot of things that other animals can see, one of the examples would be spectrum of light and colours. We can’t really see infrared and ultraviolet, but some animals can see, like the fish. I wanted to explore the domain of sickness, of mind and body both but I have done it, and I have reached the edge, I mean health research becomes redundant when active insidious murder and genocide of people is going on at a deeper level. It’s this simple, the flow of money to you or your family can be prevented, and we all know that health requires money. You get admitted in a hospital and the bill increases at an exponential rate. I wanted to become a doctor to help people, but I realised that it is just another market, and people can’t really be helped. Your health directly depends upon the amount of money you have and if you are poor your best bet is your immunity and that’s just natural selection at work. This doesn’t baffle me, as I know it. What baffles me is the large-scale drama of saving lives goes on literally saving zero lives. There are health and healthcare conferences to what end I have no idea. There were drug experiments going on the unprivileged for leprosy, and back then I used to think that they were already suffering so drug experiments might even help them, but back then I didn’t know the truth. In a third world you can do anything with lives of people. There is recently a lot of criticism of Mother Teresa on the social media, I mean I don’t really care if she converted lepers, sick and helpless to Christianity if she took in and even clean the wounds of the lepers, the sick and the dying. I have a distinct image from my childhood visiting Haridwar and lepers and others with severe disease sitting at holy places and no one paying attention to them at all except for some who dropped some money and coins. I have realised that one can’t really help anyone and I have broke the code of helping people. Help only those who come to you for help and those in emergency, the help wouldn’t last long though as “God” may have other plans for them, but then at least you did your part. Now when I see jokes on Instagram about the plane of doctors having a cure of cancer crashing, my laugh is about realising how dark the joke actually is than it is intended to be. I mean 90s bollywood was absolutely right about helping people getting you in shit, but then how was I supposed to know.